a circle in a room full of squares

Stuff Just Lot's of Stuff...

2008-10-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well, so this monthly blogging thing isn't quite working out as well as I'd planned. It's quite apparent that I need to start doing this more often. I'm like a fricking time bomb when I wait too long to let stuff out. I can't really blog while I'm working - even on contract... Here's what's at the forefront on my thoughts right now....

my old employer's article that just landed on the front page of the San Jose Merc's business section
my recent choice of wedding photos
how fat and out of shape I've gotten
how badly I want a baby
how much I hope this new place (I interviewed at earlier this week) offers me a job
how lost in making money I've been
how absorbed in Sophie Kinsella (my latest fav. author) I've been
how often I've started crying lately....

So brace yourselves folks this one has the characteristics of a novel-esq blog. I warn you it's been a while since I've let my hair down...My old employer (can't name them by name) was recently interviewed for publishing this book -which I happen to be in! And for some odd reason, the article just irritated the shit out of me. I read it and wanted to throw something at them, (yes from San Jose to Mountain View) it was so f-ing obnoxious and arrogant, that it made me ill. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I guess I proved to myself that the hurt of being laid off really does take some time to heal.

Wedding photos...I've finally procrastinated longer than I have ever thought possible (in this case more than two years) and have finally chosen our 61 photos to go to press -and return in our fine leather craftsman album in Jan. 09. I mean, DAYUM I looked good! We both did.. I was so much thinner! You could actually see the contour of my lovely face! Which leads me to my next thought...This emotional eating business has gone too far. I eat what I want, when I want, and how much of whatever I want. It's actually ridiculous. It's nothing that my mere 45 min occasional runs can burn off. Or the random weight lifting session at any given gym that I'm in the mood for. I simply MUST get back to better eating habits and a routine workout. I won't journal my diet though, I hate doing that, I feel like I'm on restriction. That's the deal with me, it needs to feel normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, cause once I start thinking that I'm depriving myself, it's completely OVER -(I mean, candy, carbs, pasta, fat whatever I can get my hands on) -Not to mention my latest attempt at lowering my cholesterol levels? hahahaa, yeah, that's gone down the tubes as well. I keep telling myself, I'll just hop on over to Walgreens, and discretely purchase an "at home" self testing kit...Until I realize what I've eaten the past few weeks.

Hmmm, how convenient, this thought really leads to the next! I've been meaning to drop about 20lbs or so, just to prep my body for conception. We're not trying yet, although I think we will be pretty soon, because I am in hyper baby mode now. I can't take it. I'm almost embarrassed to say exactly how badly I've got baby fever. I irritate myself with how much I long to be a mommy. Puppies, kittens, babies, whatever, it drives me into high-octane-hand-over-the-baby-now-or-I'll-shoot mode. It's not even funny anymore. It's not even a matter of biological ticking, it's a raging obsession...

See, this is why I'm pimping myself out to other companies. I am desperate to find my niche and plant it somewhere soon. Being a contractor -and from what I hear this isn't always the case..I don't get paid holidays or leave of absence(s). So taking off 12 weeks without pay 9, 10, 11 months from now, is totally out of the question. Had this dawned on me when I accepted the stupid contract I would've kept interviewing and not gotten too comfy for the past few months...That's another obsession that's been brewing, how are we going to fork over money for daycare? (I think I've found a reasonable answer) family and more family, friends of family. It might work, if I can coax hubby into it. He's not too hot of the idea right now..But really, who better to rely on than those that raised you!?

So in taking a break from all of my busy, obsessed, and outrageous thoughts, I've turned to the latest Shopaholic series. OMG Sophie Kinsella KILLS ME. She's so outrageously funny that she actually makes me laugh out loud when everyone's gone to bed, and I am the only moron up in the world reading at 2am on a weeknight. I'm almost done with all of her books, but it's just been so much fun to read them. Turns out my sister (all the way in the UK) was reading the same exact book of Sophie Kinsella that I was at the same time! Trippy..

In hindsight, I guess it's all pretty obvious why I've been a tearful mess lately. It's quite clear that my life is changing. I know that I am the one fueling the change, but it's like I almost can't help it. Something has come over me, and I am thrown. I am ready for the next chapter. If you add raising a teen to the mix, surely you'd think I've lost it. Which I very may well have. The tot, how can I put this without sounding like a complete asshole step-monster...Has been very challenging. His lack of an actual mother in the picture hasn't lightened the load on us either. So it's really the hubby and I learning the ropes of hormonal adolescence on our own. And TRUST me, it's f-ing hard. Almost made us re-consider this whole baby thing...Until I turned on the t.v. and saw the Gerber Life Insurance commercial. Naturally, I think it's clear to all, I've lost my mind.

Ok, time to give this a rest, my eyes ache, and my head hurts. I had a glass of dessert wine tonight while making dinner (after my long bawl of course- to hubby) and now I feel like my head's been through the ringer....Man, sometimes, I realize how terrifying this must be to the average outsider, the actual crazy chaos that is our home when I watch our dog, staring at us like we're a bunch of f-ing lunatics. We love, yell, laugh, scream, and then love some more....This is my crazy life....

Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Kittens...

2008-09-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. I am actually contracting. The strange thing is, even though I've been neglecting this blog, I feel more centered and down to earth than I have in a VERY long time. (My absence usually depicts a dip in my ability to verablize the crap I am going through) I am not necessarily in a bad place, but I can see that if I want to make any sort of headway into mommyhood, I will need a full time job, with full time benefits. It's cool, at least I am getting my feet wet and I am desinging again. I didn't realize how much I've missed it. I've been going through a whole gamut of emotions lately. Seeing that it's "the week before" I have to excuse myself, because I am a tad more postal than the other three weeks of the month.

Around the end of August, I had a full panel of bloodwork done. I came to realize that I had borderline high cholesterol, and high thyroid hormones. My doctor made me change my diet / exercise completely. It's been an adjustment, but definitely one for the better. I get up every morning now at 6:15 or 6:30, and workout for about an hour. I then head over to the Cisco cafeteria, where I enjoy my regular eggwhite veggie omelette. It sucks not eating normal dairy or any sort of fatty animal products. But now that I actually think it out loud, it seems kinda gross. Fatty animal products...ick.. I think I am losing weight, my clothes feel a little loser, although the scale isn't changing. I think I need to watch my portion control. Today, I just took what I normally eat, and cut it in half. It was weird at first, but when I noticed that I wasn't a starved maniac. I was cool with it. It will just take some getting used to and a lot more water intake.

I took my measurements, so that will be a good comparison in a few months. What I NEED to do, is take the dreaded "before" picture and then stow it away and then pull it out in 6 months and relish in all my hard work. Working out 6 days a week isn't as bad as it may seem. It only sucks on days like today, where I haven't gotten enough sleep and I am on the verge of ripping someone's head off. At least I've only had one major episode this month. God, I can't wait to be pregnant so I don't have to deal with my stupid premenstrual hormones anymore. Some say it gets worse, but really, can glowing for 9 months out of 12 REALLY be that bad? Ok, so there's morning sickness, and early contractions / labor pains, and the "actual" birth, but will it send raging premenstrual hormones coursing through my veins, making passerby's fear for their safety for about a week? I think not...

Oh yeah, my friend asked me to start writing lyrics for his songs! WAY COOL. I am just a little nervous as to how I will be "perceived" I am a little sensitive about that. I usually just write poetry for my own sanity. But not feeling the need to vent, I am all out of steam! So I guess I will just plug away at it. I am not feeling any one feeling stronger than any other...So this will be interesting. Had he asked me like a month ago, I would have had endless material for him.

Speaking of which...I finally decided to let go of my anger. I forgave my old boss. Chatting with him online really helped me. People keep telling me how it took a big person to do something like that. But really, all I did was listen to my heart. I had to forgive him. Too many things in my life are "right" right now, I can't afford to let that bitter my insides anymore. I have just written it off to "crappy things happen to good people." Life dealt me lemons, so I am making lemonade.

I need to go, I actually have some "work" to do. I am not really motivated to do it. There isn't a huge time constraint like there was at my last job. Jeez, working here has been a walk in the clouds compared to where I've just come from. It's good, less hair is falling out and the whites aren't sprouting quite as quickly as before :D I guess you can say, I am in a good place right now, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I haven't given up hope on Apple. But I am giving myself the freedom to be okay with maybe right now isn't the right time for Apple. But I know in my heart, eventually it will be!

To contract, or not to contract....

2008-07-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

So I've been toying with the idea of being a full time contractor. For some reason, this option (if I were to take it at Cisco) kind of quells my fears about committing to a place that I might be unhappy at. Also, this will give me some time to get a grip on the job situation at Apple. Seeing that I might need to hang out for a while longer...I mean, if the pay is good, and I am working on my own terms, why not? I feel better about this. More hopeful. Like I am accepting an opportunity, but not closing all the doors. This might actually work out for me...

I made an apple pie tonight. I must say, I f-ing rocked it. It was sooo good. I watched "The Secret" today. And for some reason, it always urges me to do what I love to do, and that is cook. I haven't picked up the sewing book in a while. I am scared to f-up my fleece mittens. I've got the hat nailed down, but man the mittens are killing me.

I am peeling like crazy. That's what I get for going to the beach last week and literally getting toasted all day. :D It was good for me, I never do stuff like that and I really needed to let go. It was pretty funny, here I am running around in my bikini around gals I used to work with. It was great. I surprised myself in the fact that I was okay with this. Normally my harsh inner critic doesn't show any skin, if I can avoid it. But after a few fuzzy navels and glass of wine in cheap plastic cups, I kicked inhibition to the curb. I must say, I am proud of myself for handling my feelings the way I have been. I have ups and downs, but today, they've been more up. I get depressed sometimes, but now I know what to do when I start to get scared. I think it's made me closer to my husband too. I can see the need now for more harmony in our lives. Now, more than ever it's been really important for me to feel close to him. Sometimes though, I am just not there 100%. I don't know why, I think I am just caught up in the "what is going to happen with my life next?" moment...I ran yesterday, that was good. I am glad I went, it lifted my spirits and my heart rate, which I desperately needed.

I am getting tired. (first time this week, that I am tired before 12 or 1) so I am going to jump at the chance to hit the hay a little earlier.

nighty night.

2008-07-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

It's unbelievable how you come to the realization at a much later date, that when things change, you'll do whatever you can to change them back. If you're like me at all, and you don't adapt to change very well, it's almost like dying a painful death. I was on my way out of my old job when I got caught off guard and got laid off. Now it feels like nothing is really as it seems. And although I wasn't happy at the time, I've been unexpectedly booted from the nest.

It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..

I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...

My chocolate escapade

2008-07-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

(photo is not my actual cookies) So last night I started my first night of "Making the Cut" with Jillian Michaels after the most sweat producing 30 minutes of my life, I of course in denial and stuck in a self-sabotoging behavior cycle decided that I needed to make chocolate chip cookies. Of course, I HAD to test the batter, the chocolate chips and the end result. This was actually a good night, I only had one cookie (snort) I think my premenstrual mania took over..After feeling like a cow for eating so much sugar after my "day 1" workout. I kicked into full gear. Unloading, loading, dishes, folding, washing, drying clothes. Making the bed, paying bills. Ummm, I guess I can't handle chocolate that well. At 12am last night, I am lying in bed, blinking thinking, WTF did I eat? Was it that vitamin? Was it my workout, I CAN'T sleep. Well...Something finally kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up in the same position...

Lesson learned, no more cookies, chocolate or sweets at least until I meet my 20lb weight loss goal..

In the Face of Adversity

2008-07-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

Just to give you a little background of what's been going on I am copying a snippet from another blog I wrote to.. (I know cheater that I am)

"So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church..." (posted on Thursday 7/10)

Fast forward to 8am yesterday morning (Friday 7/11)

I am driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I am behind a 2007 Acura MDX. (I guess the driver lives in my neighborhood) We take the same road, to the same Starbucks. He pulls into a parking spot, I pause, then pull in right next to him, trying to make sure he has enough space to get out. He doesn't see me, and swings his door open, right into my passenger door....The biggest fucking dent you've ever seen. (We quickly and uncomfortably exchange info, while his little boy hangs around waiting) he goes into starbucks, I sit in the car debating on telling hubby what just happened...He leaves, I go in for some coffee. Visibly shaken, disgruntled, I get my coffee, and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwhich and leave, late to work now...On the way, I call his insurance company and file a claim, explaining that I was not at fault...Later I find out he's disputing the claim. I go to the garage his insurance wants me to go to, get a quote and photos taken. I leave with a $1700 dollar cloud hanging over my head...Not completely disheartened, cause I know that Apple is going to call! I know they want me!!

Fast forward to 8pm that night...(I didn't get the message until about 10 mintues ago) Apple calls, apologetic about calling so late, but informs me that the job has been placed on hold, due to the Director wanting a more "senior" person for the role, they really liked me and want to keep me in mind for another job, that they don't know when will come available...WTF?! But thanks for understanding...Take care, buh bye...

Friday night 10pm (prior to dreaded Apple voicemail) - hubby and I find out that we forgot his mom's birthday on July 1st. DOH....We look like assholes.

Saturday (12:00pm, prior to hearing the dreaded voicemail from Apple) I am sitting in our bedroom facing the sunlight after having fought with hubby over bullshit chores and things, and maybe because I am feeling a tad bit bitchy..I sit quietly doing my best at trying to tweeze my out-of-control barbarian eyebrows...I tweeze too much, cursing, I give up, sporting the vanilla ice eyebrow, I give up, and just end up drawing them in...So Iook retarded, but whatever...

12:39 pm, I browse the apple site, like a rejected lover, grasping at straws, I try to find the *perfect* job...Giving up, I write the HR people, a sticky sweet, "keep me in mind for future positions, blah blah blah" email...

12:55pm, I sit here at my computer, thinking really? Did all this just really happen all within a 24 hour time frame? Disheartened, and disillusioned.

I think I am going to try to make something...maybe food, maybe a child's gift...Whatever it is, I feel like a complete loser...

The uninvited visitor

2008-05-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I walked down the path to her apartment to pick up the little guy. Earlier as I drove to her house, I prayed. I prayed for the strength to just get through this and get on with my night. As I approached, I could hear her bubbly high-pitched laugh. The excitement in her voice, oozing over how happy she was about her pedicure she got the day before. Snorting to myself I made my presence known, by saying "hi."
She looked over at her friend and went, "ohh." Like "Oh, just fucking great." was more of what it sounded like. She tried to make me feel small, but the funny thing is I didn't. I thought, "Oh for crap's sake, just get on with it, and say your goodbye. Yahoo might be trying to get a hold of me any second now." I said "Happy Birthday" to her as I was walking away, and she gave me a very snide squinty-eyed, sort of "fuck you" thank you. She stayed very quiet as we walked away. I walked away with my head high, because it had been so long since I was immersed in that sort of environment, or even held hostage in a situation like that. I haven't been put in a corner like that in a long time, and this time I didn't give her any strength. I laughed because I saw the near empty glass of a light amber liquid, which only tells me that she's been drinking. Glassy eyed and pissed off, she was even too loaded to fake it with me. I gathered the little guy and breathed a sigh of relief and we left her place. Happy to be back in my car away from her low energy, the little guy asked me to just call him next time and he'd come out to the door.

It's just been so long since I've felt this way, that I felt like saying "Fuck you, bitch, I am not scared of you anymore." You can huff and haw all you like I can't be shaken.

It was almost a little liberating to see how much I've grown since the times of feeling scared and small and insignificant. Now, I know I am more important, and that if she ever tried to hurt me, she would be in a world of hurt. Not because of obvious repercussions, but because I am untouchable to her. She cannot hurt me anymore.

How Could I Forget?

2008-05-20T21:24:00.001-07:00

How could I forget, how much you really hate me....

or how much I really hate you too..

How could I forget, that I essentially have taken your place in the greater scheme of things.
How could I forget, how jealous you are of me...?
How could I forget, how pathetic your existence really is?
How could I forget, that you do still love him, and you hate to see me with him?
How could I forget, that you really do have a drinking problem, despite the lies you tell everyone?
How could I forget, the reason I spiraled off into a mess of insecurity when I met you?
How could I forget that this is how you really are deep down inside?
How could I forget, that I am your arch enemy, and that I will be an unaccepted outsider to you.
how could I forget, how much it stings to be hated, when I am ready to forgive and move on?
How could I forget, that you really are that much more spiteful, angry and hateful than I could ever be?
How could I forget, that you used to love my husband so much you promised to be with him always?
How could I forget, that you reach out to my loved ones when you're in need, and expect me to turn a blind eye to your actions?
How could I forget how above all this I am?
How could I forget how petty all this bullshit really is?
How could I forget to unwrap myself from my own life and realize that you struggle everyday, and probably every hour with yours?
How could I forget that I should forgive and forget, because you never will?
How could I forget to be a better person than the person that gets dragged down into your hole of darkness?
How could I have forgotten how to rise above all the drama and shit, and lead you by example?
How could I forget that you always put your own needs before anyone elses?
How could I forget that as a parent it's your blood right to be a part of a son's life that I wish was born to me?

How could I possibly forget any of these things?

100th post!! I was a RenFaire Nerd

2008-05-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, I was. I am proud of it too. Seems like I've had quite a few stints in clubs where I try to fit in (Last year's Wildflower - which oddly had a similar ren-fairish feeling about it) and discover new parts of myself.

Today at lunch time, while devouring my salad, alone in my car, because everyone on earth was bugging me, I bit into a green olive that somehow transported me to August of 1995. Strangely enough, it was a very pivotal time in my life, where I had been out of high school for a year, I had just enrolled in junior college, and was trying to figure out what made my heart tick. I was getting to know myself outside the "High School" stigma. I learned how passionate I really was about the arts, and theater, and somehow managed to meet some very interesting people. My friend, and later boyfriend at the time, and I made our way to Novato, Ca for something like 9 consecutive weekends to go play and act and be complete nerds. We did go our own ways as I auditioned for the Guild of Santa Maria, where I was to play the role of a commissioned artist for the Medici family, and he, went to some peasant guild, wore dirty clothes and hung out with scantily clothed wenches at a make-shift well sort of area.

For weeks, my friend Shawnie (aka Isabella) and I slaved over my mom's old sewing machine, and managed to produce what felt like about 100 pounds worth of a beautiful brocade, and deep red dress. It came with a shift, undergarments that were completely period, ribbons, large puffy sleeves and a lacy sort of thing that I wore on my head. I fell in love with the costume, the dust of the faire, the funny people I met, and the not so funny and unsavory people I met as well.

Being as shy as I was, I had a much harder time interacting with patrons, and screaming about making a fool of myself in front of everyone and their mothers. But still it was so much fun. I met a slew of people that were dorks just like me. We hung out as a group for a few events, balls (aka Gaskals) and the Charles Dickens faire in SF during Christmas time, but after that we all just sort of grew up, got married, and drifted apart. From what I understand, they're all still pretty close, I was just a random person that floated in and out of their lives. It was fun, exciting, a little scary. It was an event that meant a lot to me. At the time I didn't realize the memories it would produce in later years. It's something I think of with fondness. Those memories somehow managed to find their way into my heart and onto this blog, marking yet one more pivotal moment for me, my 100th post!

(FYI, I am going to hunt down some photos if I can find them)

I still miss you...

2008-05-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I was over it. I thought I was good. Okay, she's gone, I can get back to my life. But today hasn't quite panned out to be one of those days. Busy, yes. But in the busy chaotic storm that whirls around me, I find myself in the eye of it all. There's an eerie quietness that settles around me, and I find myself struggling once more to bring myself to look at your photo.

Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?

I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?

With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...

Letting Go

2008-04-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

After talking to my mom, tonight I realized that life is too short to live sadly. She made some very eye-opening points. No one has a perfect life, and I should by no means try to live my life to anyone's standard. I have a great life, a loving husband, and a nice home. I don't know why I complain. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone has it so much better than I do. When in fact, I am probably better off than a lot of people. Not to ride my high horse or anything, but I really do need to step back a be more grateful. My mom reminded me of how much I laugh, and how important that is in life. She's right, stupid and funny little things really do make me laugh.

For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.

I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.

Off She Goes

2008-04-28T20:46:00.001-07:00

You're gone, and I am really emotional about it. I shouldn't be, but every time you leave it's like this. I fight, I cry, I and I love. I miss you, boy do I miss you. You haven't been gone but an hour, but I know it will be a while until I see you again. It's funny, cause not many people actually know that I am talking about my sister. My sister. I miss using that term with frequency. There aren't many people, well no one actually, that knows me as intimately as you do. I don't have to say anything, and you just know. I miss that closeness when you're gone. Because I am not that way with anyone.

Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.

It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?

Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.

Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.

It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?

Stress-Eating Rears it's Ugly Head

2008-04-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

Driving away from the sandwich shop after lunch, she makes a quick right into the parking lot of 7-11. Slowly making her way down the sweets aisle, she stops in front of the hostess stand. Toying over Twinkies and Ding Dong's she grabs the round plump coconut covered Snowballs. Practically running to the counter, she throws five dollars at the clerk, stuffs her change in her wallet and rips open the package of Snowballs. Sitting in her car she stuffs them into her mouth, ignoring the onlookers, and the strangely loud and thumping mini-van next to her. "Why, did I just do that? I just ate lunch, and what about my Zone Diet, wasn't I going to start that today!?" Forget about The Biggest Loser club at work, she really is a loser...

Sound familiar?

This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.

We can! We must.

Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....

That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."

For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.

I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.

So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.

Joy

2008-03-31T16:03:00.001-07:00

So, I've taken a small survey of what Joy means to people. Not just ordinary people, but the people I really care about. I have been wondering about this, because it can mean so many things to so many people..So I was wondering what the word "joy" means to other people. To me, it means, a momentary flutter of my heart. It's when I know that my soul, my mind, my heart, and my spirit are all connected. .

Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)

Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:

When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.

Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:

When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.

Joy by my definition means:

Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."

Ryan T:
"Elation"

Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)

Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!

So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."

Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"

It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?

Love you all.
SU

2008-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

"There is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou

How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.

There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.

Maybe if I show you with pictures?

Home, Happy, Whole

2008-03-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Home home home. I am home. Today....was really hard. It's been a day that has been filled with adversity. Yesterday was similar, but today, the cracks in my shell are starting to show. The gooey inside is starting to spill out. Bubbling, and boiling to the edge of the pot, my innards tremble. There is no peace in my heart..Until now....

Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.

Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.

We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.

Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.

And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.

I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.

Hope

2008-03-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.

Simon

2008-02-21T15:12:00.000-08:00

I am so sad today. I found out that a good friend of mine died yesterday. His name was Simon. He was only 40. He fought and beat lung cancer. That's the part that's so hard to believe, it was in remission! It was pneumonia that killed him. He got sick, and his health was so fragile that his body just couldn't fight back. It's my understanding that this is far to common with patients that have undergone Chemo...

The world has lost such an amazing person. He was a wonderful engineer, a sweet friend, and such a good soul. He really was uppity, and never let things get him down. In fact, in not wanting to worry anyone around him, no one knew he actually HAD lung cancer until he was in the very late stages of it.

My heart hurts for his family. His older brother from Canada came to get him. I can't believe I will never see or talk to Simon again. It was just yesterday that Hubby, and I were with him at Orignial Joes. He and I went back to our house and he fell asleep on my couch, while I went to bed. I trusted him so much. I can almost hear his laughter, and his funny French accent. He was my hubby's good friend. And I worry about how hubby is handling this. He doesn't share much of how he's feeling with me, but I know he's hurting.

May God bless Simon. The world has lost an amazing individual.
He will be greatly missed.

Short Story # 1 - title pending

2008-02-15T13:57:00.001-08:00

She took a deep breath and headed down the pathway directly in front of her. The bright sunshine beaming rays of light against her back. A warm gentle breeze swept her hair across her face. Pulling strands away from her face, she readjusted her shoulder bag and tossed her belongings onto a sprawling green lawn. Nearby tall trees and freshly manicured fields lining a carefully paved path, sprawled out before her.
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.

Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.

-To be continued..

Gratitude Friday

2008-02-15T13:40:00.001-08:00

This week, has been interesting. I am learning more and more about myself and my needs with each passing week. However, I wanted to make noticeable mention to the following things that caught my attention this week. I am grateful for:

♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again

Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.

Have a great weekend!

Gratitude Friday

2008-02-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have decided to hork this new tradition from this blog I *LOVE* to visit: http://artsycraftybabe.typepad.com/

Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.

This week I am grateful for:

♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!

Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.

Life

2008-01-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

So, I don't have a lot to write about, I just feel that maybe I should update my "blog" on the intricate ongoings of my life. :) Not so intricate these days....

As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...

Here's what's been going on lately"

- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?

Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.

Wildflower 2008

2008-01-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

So in all my mindless body image affliction, I decided that I was going to do wildflower again... Call me crazy but I think there is a strange allure in doing a triathlon. It was exhilarating the first time, but to actually consider myself a triathlete! What a high :) This year I think I am going for the long course, which consists of a 1.5 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13 mile run. Let's not probe the how or why right now. Let me just bask in the intention.

After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!

Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.

So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip.. oh well. At least I can start now. I will do just that...just as soon as my show is over!!!

My Moon Catching Net

2007-12-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, I want more. Who doesn't? I believe in me. I believe in a greater God. I believe that all things are possible. With the right attitude and a lot of faith. What comes into your life sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, is not of your control. You can control your little solar system within you, but your external environment. No way. That is not coming from you. Yes. You heard me correctly. God does that. That's his deal. What you chose to do with it is up to you. Now, this morning I had a revelation. I decided that I want more. I want the moon, if I could reach it, I'd take it. Just like Shel Silverstein said, he's makin' a moon catchin' net tonight. But it's not just the moon I am going after, it will be the stars, little planets, and all of the above.

All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.

I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.

I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."

So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.

It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.

Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.

The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.

Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.

New Home

2007-10-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

OMG, we bought a house last night!!!!

An Ode to The Past

2007-10-22T15:07:00.001-07:00

I see you on the screen
giggling and laughing at things that I see.

I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.

I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.

I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.

Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.

I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.

I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.

I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.

La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta

2007-10-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

(translation: Life isn't all bad..or ugly) at least for now. I find myself in a not-so-dismal place right now. I am happy. The house purchase is moving along, although I could strangle my MIA (second) broker right now...(deep breaths - resuming yoga-like calmness)

I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.

Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...

I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...

Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..

Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.

The Eye of the Storm

2007-10-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...

This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.

For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.

I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.

I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..

The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...

Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.

This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...

UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.

House projects, craft projects, and more house projects

2007-10-12T16:23:00.001-07:00

"Design on a dime?" Check. "Sell this house?" check. "My house is worth what?" check. "Color correction" check.. basically you can spew off all the HGTV programs, and I am either watching them, or getting ready to. I like to keep myself as busy as possible. I don't like too much down time. The occasional yoga class or massage is nice, but generally I have a pretty upbeat tempo. I don't, however like to wake up early on the weekends, if I can at all avoid it.

Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...

Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)

Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!

Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.

House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.

So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....

Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.

Hooray it's the weekend!

New Beginnings

2007-09-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I think it's been a while since I actually post something positive. Today, I feel happy. Hubby has been gone this weekend (not that I am happy he's gone or anything..Just happy he's off doing something that makes him feel good.) It's been just me and the little guy. I forget how much I love to spend time with him. He's growing so fast, and asks such adult questions sometimes. When I am with him, I feel like I definitely need to be the grown up, and protect him no matter what. I try to give him his space, and remember that he's a child. It's not as hard as it seems, and during golden moments, it's nothing short of a moment with my own son. I know he's not my own child, but sometimes, I feel like he is. I wish he were.

Anyhow, yesterday we took my folks out for my Mom's 60th birthday. I had this great "birthday picnic" planned, starting with a quick jaunt over to a townhouse that I wanted to look at. I dragged my folks and the little guy out there with me, (which isn't far from where we live now) and I was so plesantly surprized! I loved it. It's small and of course like most bay area housing priced accordingly to where we live...(which means a lot for those living outside of CA) Amusingly, I watch HGTV and just wanna jump off a bridge when I see the gargantuan houses at the prices the buyers are buying them for, and watching them squak about the prices!!!! It's actually totally ridiculous. Anyhow..not to dampen this glorius moment or anything...but I LOVED this aforementioned place. It was cute, sunny, decently priced (considering) had all the rooms / bathrooms I wanted, but apparently had some inspection issues, so I will need to delve a little deeper. But I think we might want to make an offer, I know hubby will love it too. My folks loved it too, which was a little shocking to me. My Mom, will love whatever I love, she will always find something positive about it. My Dad, however is the opposite. He will usually find something wrong with it and warn me against it. This time though, they both loved it. The little guy skipped around discovering little dreams of his own, living there. Worried about which high school this would land him at I am sure, but quite excited nonetheless. Or maybe I was just so bubbly with excitement that I read it everywhere I looked??

After that, we went to Vasona park, which was my master plan the whole time. We got totally lost trying to find it, and FINALLY after much low-blood sugar/ driving-lost tension we stumbled onto the parking lot of my favorite park. I had visions of my Dad and the little guy riding the little train together, my Mom and I smiling, sprawled out on the grass in the shade...and come to find out....IT WAS CLOSED! Due to this gigantoid fire in the vicinity, it was being used as a Firefighter central command station....I mean c'mon guys..Labor day weekend, couldn't they find another 100 acre wood elsewhere in the million dollar hills to reconvene? Cursing under my breath, and trying to keep a smile on my face. I whizzed off back to our hometown, to a downgraded park with palm trees, a funny little blue pond, and lots and lots of grass for running, sprawling, croquet, and frisbee.

On Friday I bought this amazing super duper fast frisbee, for oh, $10. It was so amazing that only after a few minutes of tossing it around, it landed itself into the funny little pond and sunk straight to the bottom...Sigh...At this point, I gave up control, or lack there of it...

We wrapped up the night with a viewing of "Balls of Fire" which turned out to be stupidly funny, and mildly entertaining. It kept the little guy, my Mom and Dad giggling, so that's all the really mattered to me. AND Mom actually stayed awake! So I think I might've picked a winner.

Overall, it was a great day. I can't help but fantasize about being a homeowner, with our own home, and an extra room for **the baby** or future baby I should say. But still, even actually seeing another room for a potential office is music to my ears, I am so tired of having my desk in the living room for all the world to see, or balk at since I have been a disorganized pig for the last 4 years or so. I don't know what happened. Maybe I got lazy? Maybe I am too tired to clean, I don't know. I just know that trying to keep everything in its neat little place just isn't working out here, since we're rapidly running out of space. Here too, I have given up control. I just try to keep a close watch on that ever-growing mammoth pile of laundry over there in that corner...I don't mind the washing, its the folding that gets me....

I don't want to get my hopes of owning this **perfect little home** but I can't help it. We've already made offers and have been out-bid two other times. Let's not get me started on the real estate market around here, I really don't feel like crying in my coffee right now...Let's let visions of sugarplums dance through my head...At least until Thursday at noon, when the seller starts taking offers...

The Ex....

2007-08-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments, when you wonder, just how in the hell you ended up knowing someone, say for example, a completely retarded, and inexcusably lame ex-wife? Today, is one of those days. It's been a while since I've had to bitch about her. But today, I just can't take her bullshit anymore. She lies, and she's a really sad excuse of a mother. It makes me so so sad for the little guy..In fact, I feel like crying for him right now. Actually, I really just feel like beating her with my rolling pin, or a shoe. She totally doesn't value his tender young age, and the time that she has with him.

I sometimes wish I could shake her and make her realize just how stupid she is being. I almost want to have a baby just to spite her stupidity and show her how it's really done...Hubby has more than he can handle right now. Man this sucks, she sucks the biggest one of them all.

fresh apples - BLEH

2007-08-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

This morning, after rolling out of bed, quite late, I realized that hmm, maybe I've gotten a tad overweight, and yes, maybe I should start south-beaching again...I don't know, I really am a pill when I cut sugar out, and since I don't do artificial sweetner anymore, it's gotten really challenging, minus the migraines...

So I barreled into work, ten minutes early for our regularly scheduled staff meetings, (woo-hoo) I made myself a cappucino, and threw my egg whites in the fridge. An hour later (after being randomly selected to be on a team, and start video editing) I decided I needed some sugar..so..I heated the carefully prepared egg whites, and rinsed off a fresh granny smith apple a co-worker brought from an apple tree gone wild at his house.. Yumm, freshly-home-grown apples. Of course, I am here waiting for my egg whites, dreaming of apple pies, apple bread, apple butter, apple tart..all the wonderful things I could "wow" my co-workers with. After a few bites, I look down, and realize I've chomped into a small brown hole....(the egg whites finish, and the microwave buzzes, as if it's three thousand miles away) I reach for a knife, to a lurking account manager's dismay, I cracked the little sucker in half and learn that yes, it was a worm hole once, and that it mysteriously led to a larger brown hole filled with gunk....DAMNIT..I grab my egg whites, heaving, imagining a worm dancing in my stomach and head back to my cube..DAMNIT again.

Onto lunch. Yay, team outing!!! I love my team, but I don't love how "masculine" they eat...my passing thought about how quickily I've gained 10 lbs, and how mabye I should have salads for the rest of my life, goes to the wind, because they chose to have lunch at "Clarks" DAMNIT. So I order a bleu cheese burger, they order a basket of community fries and ohh, lookee here, our waitress screwed up our order, and gave us a free basket of onion rings.. OMG, is this a joke?!

DAMN DAMN DAMN

So I eat it, most of it...I join in on the grease fest, and then vow to myself that I will run everyday this week, despite the incriminating results my x-ray will produce today during my chiropractic exam...

Damn apples..

5:02:03 Wildflower

2007-08-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

It just dawned on me that I never wrote about this event.. This took place on Saturday, May 5th 2007

I've never pushed my body more than I did yesterday. It was great, it was humbling, and I hope to do it again, maybe even again next year... Pictures to come after they've been developed...Forgot my camera (doh!)Final time was 5 hours, 2 minutes and 3 seconds. I had hoped to do it in 4 hours. But I am okay with my timing. I worked my ass off.

Above are a few photos at the beginning of my swim. The reason you can't see me is because I was one in about 7 thousand athletes this weekend that participated.

Here's the breakdown according to my own timing: (these are rough estimates, I kept forgetting to turn off my stop watch before I got to the transition area)So these are from memory and not totally accurate.

swim (.93 miles) = 1 hour 5 minutes (this transition was the longest, getting out of a wetsuit and into biking gear is very tedious)

bike (25.2 miles) = 2 hours 20 minutes (had a few close calls, with some downhill high speeds, but made it through without eating gravel)

run (6.2 miles) = 1 hour 10 minutes (not totally sure on this timing, I never knew I could be so tired, I could barely run downhill)

my transitions took me longer than I expected 5 - 10 minutes each or so.. I was all over the place!

It was awesome. I am sore today but soo very humbled. There were handicapped folks with only two arms, no legs, or one leg, people of all types that competed. Overall, I have to say the support of my team is what really got me through it. As much of a pill as I was during the training season, their encouragement helped enormously. The frosting on the cake was seeing my sweet husbands face as I got out of the water trying to take my photo, and finally when I crossed the finish line. My parents were sooo sweet too cheering me on. The enormity of the whole thing was mind blowing, and how much it really makes you value your health and blessings. They all gleamed when I came across the line, and it made me feel so good. But the last person I ran to was Michael. It was great. The feeling I got is inexplicable. (it was the a combination of wanting to laugh, cry, and throwing myself back into the lake to cool off all at the same time)

There were old people (79 I think was the oldest) and young people (12 year old girl) that completed the whole course. And then the bulk of us 25-40 age range.

I will never forget this weekend. How hard I pushed myself, and how much harder I CAN push myself.

There have only been a few personal challenges that I am very proud of, now to add to my list

1. Raising over $3k for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
2. Actually being able to classify myself as a "tri-athlete"
3. Climbing Half Dome. (which now seems like such a small feat)

my next venture...to complete a full marathon before 40. I want to get back into weight training and tone up a bit first. (I actually considered going running today...until I realized that I need to let my body catch up with my brain.)But for today.. I think I've earned a day off :)

F**king Day

2007-05-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

Looking at old photos,
reminiscing about the past
looking at the way I used to look
I want my old face back
I want my old body back.

I hate the way I feel now. It sucks. I want this day to F**king end already.

It's been a hard day. I have been waiting on pins and needles, I am tired. I can't believe I was ever so thin. What did I do, why have I become like this? What do I need to do to get back to what I was. I feel like I've lost my path, my direction, and I have let myself go.

Heartache

2007-04-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

I got to spend some very quality time with my family this past weekend. And OMG my newphew is the cutest thing on earth. It's Monday and I am already missing him...Thursday they leave to go back to the UK and I dread just thinking about it...

I will see them again in July. Hubby and I have been designated God parents to the little guy. I can't wait until July....

I didn't think my heart would ache so badly.

This scares me a little...Am I grown up enough to have my own? and why am I so scared to love something so much....

If this is how I feel about my sister's baby, how will I feel about mine?

The hard part is, this little cutie was VERY anticipated. He was her 5th pregnancy (she lost 4 before him) so we all waited for him holding our breath....He is extremely special to all of us...

They're coming into town (from staying at my parent's house for two weeks) tonight, and I might see them tomorrow night...Oh lord, I can't wait....

I am sucha sap.

Hear me Roar

2007-04-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

I really can't stand nights that are planned to be fun, and turn out like crap. Last night was a prime example, went to the movies, had a quick bite to eat. and then came home and fought...I totally hate that...I know I took this scuffle a tad too far, but I think my reasoning was ligit... This time, I was tired, worn out from feeling like I am doing shit for everyone all the time, and the most aggrivating, is ALONE.

I understand wanting to come home and poop out for a while and just decompress, but when crap is starting to pile up, mail needs to be opened, dishes to be clean, laundry to be folded, dinner to be made, chores set aside for the workplace. I feel soooo distressed. I love having my job and working with the people that I do, I just wish I had more time to do personal things and a little more help...I think I have a few answers to my own rant though...

Goal #1

Get a cleaning person... I can't justify this more. there simply isn't enough time in the day to do all the crap that accumulates in my house. Caring for one or two is a different story, but three, sand maybe someday four..I don't think so..

Goal #2

Get TiVo. Nuf said..Too much time is wasted in front of the tube, no matter how much laundry folding gets accomplished. I am really sick of being a the tv networks mercy for their stupid schedules...

I need to go, I have to take time off work to get my damned oil changed....I think I need a little vacay from all this....

All things baby

2007-02-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Damnit. It's that time of year again. When all I see is all things baby. I even had enough nerve to call our benefits person to drill her about maternity leave and all that it entitles. What is with me...Is this what 31 is doing to me?? I swear I oogle, and coo at everything that resembles an infant. Even little dogs.. Maybe this has to do with Ray's passing. I dunno. But I swear I can taste the little dumplings cheeks as I hold it near me. Any anti-child person with a right mind would definitely coin me as crazy. Maybe it's parental pressure? I don't think so though. My mother and I literally have already mapped out daycare plans for this little person. BUT I SWEAR THERE IS NO LITTLE PERSON. At least not conceived..not yet..
It must be talking to my baby-fied sister. Who can't get enough of her little angel who is now in the "waving" stages. He waves at everyone and everything, cats, people, the wind. He waved the other day because he knew he was busted. So he proceeded to wave with one hand in effort to distract mommy from the big trouble he was in..Exactly what he did, I am not sure of. I DO know that he has become quite comfortable opening the oven...

(sigh) all that, and yes, I still want one or two. Twins preferably. Call me crazy but I have always wanted to little ones together. In separable so they will neither ever be alone. No matter what happens to me or the honey or the current little guy.. No gals here at my office are preggers yet. I think I might be the first..Not sure. But it feels like I might be sooner rather than later...It's all I can think about. There is a twinge little tiny spark in all this fluff that I call my mind that envelopes a little satchel of fear. Like maybe I am not ready financially..What if I will look like "night-of-the-living-dead" everyday due to lack of sleep.!? What if I amount to the size of very rotund woman if I can't lose the baby fat. I can't even lose the fat I have now!

So yeah, I guess I still have my doubts. The ex-monster even asked me when we were planning to do this. Although I think her reasoning was more paranoia and insecurity-driven than asking out of genuine concern or curiosity. Still I don't care about her. Well, I care when she pisses me off. but ick, out, get out of my brain, I don't want her in this post...Barf, gag, purge, okay, out she goes...

I am not crazy. I am premenstrual. I just need to keep chanting that, maybe I will believe it, if I say it enough times...

bubba

2007-01-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

It's been three weeks today since we put the kitty to sleep, and I still miss him like crazy. I don't cry anymore, now I am just sad about it. I thought we might be happier if we got another cat, but it's just not the same...I miss him...

Reaching New Heights

2007-01-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

I seem to have reached a new height with my workouts. I don't know exactly what it is. I guess I broke a barrier, or mental block I had put firmly in place for myself for the better part of a few years. A long time ago I was able to run for 10 miles. I am not quite there yet, nor do I strive to be. But I did manage to do a full 6 miles. I got so emotional throughout my run, I felt like crying, laughing, I was all over the place! All the while listening to my ipod! I trained sooo hard. Then today, in a moment of mental weakness I broke down and ate and ate and ate. Chocolate. I don't know why this is my comfort food...Maybe because I got scared with how well I really did, and I sorta secretly sabotaged myself?? I don't know. At least now I don't really think too much about the workouts, I just do them. I've been targeting 7 days a week. I managed to do 6 last week, and will do 6 again this week.

Our Team in Training official kickoff is this Saturday. I still have $2100 left to raise. Which I think I will pull off somehow. Tonight is supposed to be my off day, but I missed my Tuesday workout. (Wasn't feeling too well) But I am meeting with my personal trainer tonight. I am excited, he's good, just talks a lot sometimes...

Wow, I need to run, I am going to be late if I don't leave now!! TGIF.

Training Blues

2007-01-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

Lord, who knew that training AND fund-raising would be so difficult? Not only am I pushing myself physically more than I ever have, everyday, but I am living with the anxiety of not being able to raise enough money by my deadline. The schedule may not seem like much to those who are athletically gifted, but to an artist by trade, and daughter of Italians (I am touching on all the food I am inclined to eat without a moments hesitation) it's been quite a stretch for me. Mind you all this stuff happens after a full business day, and pre or post step-mommy responsibilities.. (which thankfully for my ROCKSTAR husband, have been few these days)

Monday: run 30-60 min.
Tuesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Wednesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Thursday: run 60 min.
Friday: (I am supposed to rest, but have decided to start meeting with my personal trainer to start strength training again)
Saturday: run (not sure duration yet, probably short 30 min run)

Fund-raising...ARG! I know people seem to have really good intentions, but no one is really ACTING on them...It's discouraging only because I am so heavily involved now. The only money in my online donation site is the $25 I donated to myself! (lol, it's starting to make me feel a little hopeless) However....I did notice people taking my url-tear off- thingies from the flyers I have posted at every Starbucks imaginable...Okay, so I only hit 10 or 12 places last night..but it's really interesting to see how different people treat you when you're asking for money. I didn't buy coffe, just made a complete ass of myself for trying to stick tacks onto a magnetic board..Hey, no one said you had to be a genius to do this!

Good thing about all this is, I have been sleeping like a hibernating bear. Bad thing is, I am out like a light by 10:30 or 11. poor hubby.

My toes really hurt today, lol, not my feet but my toes..Hmm and my abs to. My trainer nearly strangled me when I told him what I am planning. Not because he doesn't believe in me, but because he's visualizing all sorts of muscle tears and sprains.

Ah well, thank god it's Friday, at least I get to sleep in tomorrow and resume my knitting / crocheting bonanza. I think I am going to try and sell my scarves to help raise some dough...

Dough...hmm, cookies anyone?? I think I smell a bake sale..

Team in Training -YIKES!!

2007-01-10T08:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, call me "CRAZY"!!! I have decided to try and complete my first triathlon. My first meeting is this weekend. I have to figure out how much money I can commit to raising for Team in Training and if I am faint at heart...It goes to a very worthwhile cause..I will raises funds that will go toward research for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease, and related cancers. Seeing that I've had family members that have passed away due to cancer and that currently live with cancer, this means quite a bit to me. This is more than just a race.

Initially I never thought I could do something like this until one of my very brave co-workers reeled me in. I will be participating in 0.93-mile open water swim, 24.8-mile bike ride, and then round it off with a 6.2-mile run. I am nervous as hell, but feel confident that my excitement will propel me through. Plus, it will be nice to get in shape for such a good reason!

If you're reading this blog right now, and are a friend of mine, you may get hit up for a donation. I guess this meeting will be very telling this weekend. I am pretty amped about it, and can't wait to see what they say. This isn't a full triathlon, I think it's half, but nonetheless, I want my future kids to know that Mommy kicked some ass before they were born. :D

God help me!

For the kitty

2007-01-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubba,
I am so sorry we had to put you to sleep this morning. Your papa and I had a really rough time with this. My head is still pounding from all the tears that escaped. We were supposed to do this on Christmas Eve. But we fought it, feeling that you still had more spunk in you. You did. But you've faded quickly. After 18 years of life, which is a nice long life for a kitty, today marks the day of your death.

Last night was a very rough night for you. You meowed at all hours of the night. The bags under my eyes are very big today, and the sorrow in my heart is heavy. After I woke up and found you in the condition you were in, it wasn't difficult to make the decision. I don't want you to suffer anymore. You were very quiet on the way to the Humane Society. I think you knew what was going on. You were a great cat even to the very last moment.

Little guy is going to be very upset tonight. He doesn't know yet. He will miss you the most. He was your boy for 11 years. As far as we were concerned you belonged "to him". This is just another difficult step that I am going to have to learn to take as his step-mommy. We will be there for him, and be strong as much as we both miss you. I was told that when I said goodbye to you this morning that you took the whole thing well. You purred all the way to the very end.

You weren't my kitty from the very start, but you made me feel like you were right away. You loved me so unconditionally. I will never forget what a sweet cat you were, and there will always be special spot in my heart for you.

I hope that you make it up to kitty heaven and watch us from there. Buster already misses you and is acting strange. It's going to be hard getting used to not seeing you anymore.

I love you.
Your Mama
S

Gimmmeee a "D"

2006-11-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

U - A - R - T - E what's that spell?? Happiness..new work, new people, new stresses, new everything. I can't wait!!!! Although I must say that SCEA knows how to throw a launch party...The PS3 was a very successful launch. I even struck a conversatiom with "she-who-must-not-be-named"...Well, it's been fun. From E3 to the PS3. However, it's my time to move on...No more "she-who-must-not-be-named" ie noodlehead on my back. After today I have one more of these meetings, and I am done..I can't even tell you the relief. Today it was relief, last week, it was something strange..I dunno, almost sadness...I guess I will miss the whole glitz and glammour. The celebrities, the rappers, the fun. But I will mostly just miss my very good friend Blanca. She's been my pillar of strength here. We met early on, but clicked in the split of a second. Since then, we've stumbled out of numerous bars, company parties, and giggled ourselves into oblivion. One time, we even attempted to lift weights together, but the laughter was too much. NOTE TO SELF: DON'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WITH SILLY FRIENDS MAKING ME WANT TO LAUGH. I will definitely miss her more than anyone...

However, I am so excited beyond belief...I've got a gift exchange, holiday party, and countless creative people heading my way...although twenty graphic designers all under one roof could be hazardous..It will definitely be a job that I will never forget...I think we all belong together, creative or not. Plus I get to be a little closer to my past and present Fortify peeps. Good times...

What to make...I have been told that I will be provided with $15 and the choice to make or purchase a gift for this person that I have never met.....you ask...Well, yes of course, I will MAKE something, just don't know what...Maybe a little stocking filled with goodies..? Knitting isn't my bag..I wish it were but I don't have a lot of patience these days. Most of it goes to the eleven-year-old of our household...

I can crochet like there's no tomorrow...Hmmm, need to think on this a bit more...

in the meantime. Hooray!!!

The Dentist.....

2006-11-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, another visit. I repeat ANOTHER VISIT. Since being married, I think I have been there about 30 times...and once to a specialist, because he pulled an "Oh Shit" on me....So, needless to say I think my mouth undoubtedly will reject at all costs any sort of crown attempted to be placed in the molar region..

Granted, I thought it was pretty cool that it took only an hour. I have had death threats from noodlehead in the past for taking too much time at the dentist. Then again, a warranted death threat from her can come from coming in at 9:15 instead if 9:00...so maybe it's not as bad as I am painting it out to be...

Still, the dentist...the drilling, the cold air on my teeth, the "test" grinding, it's enough to make my hair stand on end. And trust me folks, I have a lot of curly hair..There was one episode of The Simpsons that did it to me...It was that one when Homer had eye laser surgery, and his eyes crusted over the noise of the crust, the yetllow..ugh..It gave me that same nauseating feeling like I was going to hurl...

Lol, and I want to have kids...I'll be great so long as they put up one of those blue tents on me, and I don't have to see my own blood everywhere...Snort..

So now, I am just pushing this "permanent" crown around. I give it a week until the sucker pops out. I specifically asked for heavy-duty-cement-mixing-super-duper adhesive so I wouldn't have to go through this again in two weeks..I wonder what he really thinks about me after I leave. I bet I am his biggest pain in the ass.

HAahaa

Notice of Resignation

2006-11-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

OMG, I actually did it...I gave my notice..I was totally the bigger person in all this. I was very gracious, and thanked her (her / she = noodlehead) for the opportunity she gave me here. I told her that I wasn't going to lie, to her or to myself, and that I thought it was best if I moved on. I suggested she find someone better fitted to this position than me. She agreed. I said it would be best for the "team" that I am leaving.

I did speak to HR this morning before I spoke to her. They told me that she can withold my two weeks pay if she wanted. So I felt it was best if I was curtious about it, and was nice to her upon my exit. As much as I wanted to give her "the finger."

She said she was sorry to see me leave. She asked if I had something else lined up, and I said "yes." It was actually all very civil...(I know deep down that she was just as relieved as I was)

As much as I wanted to jump up and down and do cartwheels, I didn't. I just walked out of her office, thinking this is the beginning of something great. Such a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. It's all so liberating, I think I will go workout...It's about time I put myself in the driver's seat again...

Rare Form

2006-11-09T13:25:00.001-08:00

I think it's the premenstrual curse or something plaguing me today. I swear the strangest things are so amusing to me right now. I have fought, cried, laughed, felt every range of emotion on the spectrum. Other than the fact that I am ready to bite my week-long nail growth to the bone with nervous anticipation, and that my head feels like it's going to explode, I can't wait to hear back from the people who interviewed me.

Its very nice out today. It's not all muggy and cloudy, at least up here in Foster City, it's rather pleasant. I finished my book last night "Running with Scissors." I am strangely annoyed with it. The ending wasn't the sort of monumental, "OMFG-I-loved-that -book-I-can't-wait-to-reread-it" sort of ending. It sort of trailed off like an unsuspecting fart. That's how it made me feel most of the time, plus or minus a few giggles, it made me feel gassy and so grossed out on some occassions. I sure hope the movie is better. I need a new read...Might check out Finny's suggestions.

Today I really miss working out. Probably cause I watched "The Biggest Loser" 2 hour special last night. I don't know what it is about that show that I love, the cattiness, the large people, the struggle? Don't know. I just know that I get really motivated the next day. Shit, whatever it takes at this point. I'll take the motivation in whatever form. The ex wife used to do it for me, nowadays I just feel sorry for her. But whoa, Kim Lyons, holy cow, she has a kickin' body. I WISH my mid-section looked that good!

Okay I need to run, I have to obsessively check my email, and maybe get a little work done if I can find the time, in my hectic schedule.

Sustaining Joy

2006-11-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

Last night, round 3 went so smoothly, I could hardly believe it myself. It didn't feel so much like a job interview than actually chatting with friends. I can tell the dynamics between myself and the rest of the "team" is quite good. I think I really do prefer a smaller company.

I just can't wait to give my notice. I can't wait to see the expression on noodlehead's face. I am sure she will be relieved to be rid of me, as I will be happy too. I just hope the offer, if at all, is good, bountiful and comes quickily. I hate to digress and try to anyalyze exactly where things went wrong here, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder...

Onto other topics...Family isn't doing well. Extended that is. I am worried a few may not make it through the holidays. This makes me so sad..Life moves so quickily, sometimes I really can't remember what day of the week it is, because they're all running into one. I typically look forward to the holidays, shopping, decorating, picking out a tree, although the last few years have been strangely difficult and argument laden. Is this what happens when you get old and set in your ways? Am I really that stubborn and unbending? When it comes to picking out a tree, I am the voice of perfection.

Honey stumbled onto my crocheting needle the other day. He found it in his shoe! Which is no wonder, considering how crammed and tiny our itty bitty closet is. Poor fella, I totally overwhelm the closet with all my crap, and purses and things. I mean I love being a woman, but man, I normally have a little more control over the area in which my shoes span. Right now they're all over the place. I keep fantasizing about big spacious closets with hidden drawers. One entirely for myself!

In the meantime, I shall crochet. How do you not get hand cramps? Whenever I set out to begin crocheting my fifty-foot long scarves I get so cramped up in the hands. I can switch but it's like parting your hair on the other side, it just feels weird...

I am finishing up my most recent book "Running with Scissors." Great, twisted, a little introspective, but far too much gay sex invloving minors for my tates..At one point I almost put it down out of disgust. But I really want to see the movie, and feel that I NEEDED to read the book first to get a full perspective of what the movie "could be."

It's been so long since I've written down my thoughts. I feel strange about it. Loosley liberated and very excited for things to come..

10 minutes and a bucketload of dirt

2006-11-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been so long, I forgot my username..Basically I never blog anymore because I am on the brink of "being let go of" HA! Thing is, I pretty much have another company in the bag after tonight. Cross your fingers for me. I think they will make an offer tonight after my 3RD INTERVIEW!

Watch they don't want me after tonight and I am stuck jobless. Now that would be funny. Thing is, I am OK to openly admit how much I really hate it here. No, let me rephrase that I HATED my boss. Now...well I just feel really sorry for the noodlehead. If you sense a twinge of racism, yes, I openly admit it. She's a Vietnamese barbie doll with bad teeth. She's acutally quite beautiful on the outside, and horrendously ugly on the inside...She's tried to wrangle my spirit into the ground, but AH! I prevail.I am still here kicking and screaming...But strangely enough, the urge to push her out her fourth story window is miraculously gone...I amaze myself sometimes.

Ah the drama of it all. I adore my stupidly dramatic sense of humor. I will not post about this new place. Let's just say I am very hopeful but do not want to jinx it. I've got so much on my mind and only three minutes left until I am outaheeya.

I'm out.

Word to ya mutha.

When it all started

2006-09-29T14:06:00.001-07:00

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...

Things that I want

2006-09-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, go crazy...

1. A house, (4000 sf will do) with really nice (walnut) hardwood floors
2. a large kitchen with granite countertops, and an island. (where my Mom can teach me how to make her perfectly crisp veal cutlets -- yes I am a carnivore.)
3. at least 5 bedrooms to accomodate our growing family (no I am not preggers)
3. a very deep, lovely tub in our master bath
3B. a nice "getaway" reading room attached to our very large master bedroom

4. a pool / hot tub in our 1 acre backyard
5. a lovely garden (within our 1 acre backyard), so I can learn how to grow melons and tomatoes from Finny ;)and plant trees with my Dad.
5B. A doggy park area within our backyard for Buster.
6. a very successful design firm, owned, managed and run by moi, from home, (to be more specific, from my ultra cool mini design-firm/ business office, that I have personally decorated, and detached from my 4000 square foot house)...
7. a baby...I think....(more baby-room design ideas to come later, I've hatched several)
8. time to stay home with my husband and step-son
9. the ability to cook a flawless dinner for my fantastic friends
10. a halloween party for the little guy, equipt with a pseudo haunted house, and scary cupcake treats...I've been obsessing over the cooking magazine racks in line at the grocery store these days...
11. a massage, manicure, pedicure
12. the chance to catch up on my laudry without having to actually wash it and fold it myself
13. the loss of about 15 pounds...
14. 3x's / week meeting with my personal trainer...
15. to win last night's super lotto
16. to live much much closer to my sister, brother-in-law and family
17. to have one last conversation with Nonna.
18. to make sure my folks are taken care of (financially)
19. to love what I do for work...
20. to have time in the morning to make my family a great breakfast, take the little guy to school, and to work out regularly...

okay, there are many more "wants" I am sure, but I want to be careful how I construct them, because I do believe that what you put out into the universe really does come back to you...

so, let's just say, I am going to sit patiently and wait for these good things to happen, because I belive they really will. In the meantime, I just keep reminding myself, that as each hour passes, I am getting closer to what I am going to get in the future. Call me naieve, but I think these things are going to come to pass, sooner rather than later.

The Diamond in the Rough

2006-09-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention the one diamond in the rough today..My husband...

Me: "I was just calling to say hello, and see how you were doing.."
Him: "Hello, I am doing okay, how 'bout you?"
Me: "Eh, just frustrated, bad communication around here"
Me:"so whats on your agenda tonight?"
Him:"I am going to go home after this, and spend some quality time...with my wife"
Me:"hmm. okay, gotta go, I'll see you later."

Not that this was much, but it made me feel good...I still forget sometimes, slip and use my maiden name, sometimes call him my fiance...But damn...

I am somone's wife...

tee-hee..

Ok Damnit

2006-09-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have decided to start blogging more. I am going to blog until my poor little fingers are sore. I am going to blog all the frustration and desire to stuff my face with unhealthy food....

Yes, Famous Amos, those are the last of you. I just polished off a bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with chicken strips a little earlier. I know why though, my lunch was too salad heavy and didn't have enough protein, so I got the munchies....What was strange was that I felt the worst stomach pains after lunch, and well, had to run to the loo...I don't know what it could've been, maybe my salad??

So, I am determined to get better at this. I have been keeping in too many feelings...I hate bottling shit up and then just letting go, usually at my own expense..

Last night, I took the pooch running at about 9:30. It felt so good to run and feel free. He and I do really well together in the evnings. Mind you ocassionally I get tripped up and he gets knotted around a bumper. lol, I have a hard time seeing at night I guess. Today, I have to do something active as well.

How do you find motivation when you're at work early, and leave late? Lunch is out of the question because there is too little time to do anything...

I guess I am pretty agro with my boss too. She is very unorganized and makes these ridiculous requests. Now I am getting better at managing my anger, and not eating so much. I guess today I ate because I was actually hungry. I just made the wrong choices..
I am little frazzled about $$ too. I actually forgot to pay rent this month..I am still playing catch-up after the wedding expense crunch, and I just got the little paycheck I was expecting...Since my retarded-ass boss, decided at the last minute to not give me the time off I needed for the wedding...So what was I to do? I took unpaid time off, which hurt this month. But we're recovering...It just makes me think, usually my mind goes off during my am commute...

This morning, I realized that I should be looking for two new jobs instead of one. One to pay for household bills, and the other to pay for everything else...

I heard about this suspension bridge in China where it was a popluar place to jump. One man, (in an NPR interview) wanted to jump because he had no money left and didn't know what to do. He worked and worked, but just didn't make enough...Not that I want to die or anything, but I can understand the grief and stress he must be feeling...I understand not having enough, hating where you have to be every morning, and then hating yourself for letting things get so bad..

Ha! And I wonder why I am getting fatter....

When I was skinny

2006-09-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

I was sucha lil snot
I didn't have to hold my breath in
and my t-shirts I could knot.

I was a lot nicer to everyone around me,
I didn't eat garbage like, starchy food and candy
I had a way of holding up my head
now I just sigh heavily and pull the sheets o'r my head.

It sometimes makes me sad
to think of the body
and the tush that I had.
I was strong and lean
a cardio machine
back in the days of yore...

Now that I feel fat
and feel grossness of my
body starting to sag.
I am overcome with grief
and stricken underneath
when I look at body
that once wasn't so bad.

"It's STRESS!" I declare
as my wardrobe taunts me
with sheek tiny slacks
that I no longer wear.

"But, it's only ten pounds!" You state in anguish
doesn't matter at this point,
as I am crabby and famished,
from all the stupid diets
I fail at, and later seeth in my quiet
despair and self-loathing....

I run, and I lift, with Speedie's and with Biff's
and don't make a dent
with my one-day a week, schedule, Oh yes, I'm bent.

"It's the job!" I transpire,
as I tread home to retire.
I sit my ass down, and momentarily conspire,
to somehow pull myself out of this mire..

This is Why They Call Me Fury

2006-08-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Contents contain foul language and vlugar conduct depcited...

Don't say "No" because I know this has happened to all of us...But last week, it annoyed the shit out of me..I was going to lunch with a co-worker. (good friend of mine) and we were waiting for a parking spot. Of course this stupid shithead of a woman peels right into our spot and has the audacity to chew us out!!!!

My good friend, happens to be Mexican, and this made my blood boil...I had to stop myself from beating the crap of out this woman..

Friend: "well, that was polite"
Bitch: "I'm sorry, I don't speak your language"
Me: "How about shitty parking, do you speak that language"
Bitch: "fuck you bitch"
Me: (flipping her off as I stroll into Chiptole's) "Fuck you, you stupid cunt"
Friend: (snatches my badge off of my pants and is trying to calm me down)
Me: "You stupid bitch"
Me: "Just wait until I tell all of the people that work here, what a racist pig you are, you dumb bitch"

Friend: "Oh my, (she's so cute) my blood is boiling"
Me: "Yeah, let her fuck with me, I will fucking tear her head off, I don't speak your language, who does she think she is?"

The sad part was that this woman looked old, wrinkled, with dyed black hair, kinda like Cher. She was escorting her old parents or something into Starbucks. I felt so bad for these old people, that they had to be in the company of such a stupid bitch.....

Okay, so I am still pissed about it, only because she wronged us, managed to blurt out a racial slur, and then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch... I take this all personally, not only because my friend is Mexican, but because my parents were immigrants. I take this very personally, and can not stand people like her......Ohhh, if only I wasn't on the clock I would've really done some damage.....I considered throwing black beans all over her windsheild, but I was having tacos...

Baby's Baby's Everywhere

2006-08-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

I think God is trying to give me a sign, or signal me down with HUGE flags at best. I have just received the third email of online photos of brand new babies within one week...

Two of which were born within two days of each other...I am still coming to terms that I may not be able to tear myself away from my gorgeous newphew Barnaby...Ohhhh he's precious to say the least. I can't get enough of him. I don't know what it is about babies that is scrumptuous. Is it their "new-ness" is it their total purity? Their smell of sweet milk? Or the fact that they rely so completely on you for everything?

I don't know what it is...I have given myself a year to get back on track after the craziness of the wedding. I have a semi-thought out list of what I think the honey and I should do prior to even "thinking" about little ones. But I don't want us to be too old before we conceive..Not to be in too much of a rush, but we're not exactly spring chicks either...

Just saw my best friend's baby last night, at the hospital. Austin Gene Tamm, he was three days old, and slept in my arms for the better part of my visit (about two hours) he was squeamish and made all sorts of cute baby faces and noises...Nothing prepard me for the cuteness factor. I am so proud of her, she has been an amazing sport throughout all this...I am just sad that she has to go back to work in about two months...

Oh well, speaking of work, it beckons, I cringe..not because I don't want to do it, but because I am neck deep in maddness here until we leave for lovely Playa Del Carmen....Ahh, fish tacos, margaritas....the sound of the surf...I can feel the sand between my toes already...

Why Oh why....

2006-08-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

Okay,
I don't know why I do this, but I do it with such vigor and then I proceed to feel like crap afterwards...That is eat shit that is very obviously fattening and not helping my weightloss-mindedness... I think it's turning into a mind freakiness sort of thing now... There could be a number of reasons why I am stuffing my face today, here's to name a few

1. I have missed a poorly thought out deadline at work and am now scrambling to get all the pieces together
2. My family is slowly starting to head back to the UK and my Mom has been cooking all of my FAVORITE italian dishes
3. I am nervous about tonight (the ex-monster has organized the tot's birthday party, and she always makes my skin crawl) At least right now she does. I haven't had any interaction with her since we've been married but it's plain to see that we're avoiding each other. Right now, I am missing the "pizza party" which I can certainly do without, but would make the Tot happy if I attended....
4. My best friend just had a baby and I haven't been able to talk to her...I feel like the hubby is getting annoyed with me...Oh the aggrivation...

Okay, that's it. I think I've pinned down that single derailing feeling...I think it's the ex-monster. She always makes me feel a little strange, but I guess the power that she has is all that I am allowing her to have over me..I know this, why don't I act on it? I have never sat in a movie theater with her and the honey at the same time, and I am not really looking forward to it tonight. I know I will be inspected, scrutinized and evaluated. I hate that...And somehow I eat..Call it nerves..I can't wait for tomorrow, when I can roll out of bed at any hour I please and have two whole days to not worry about deadlines, birthday partites, weddings, or anything else but the honey and me...

Mmmmm. It's good to be Bad >:)

2006-08-03T13:03:00.001-07:00

For some reason, the guilt isn't really making a dent today...Considering the very sad state of my finance to date, I decided to endulge. Okay, so I couldn't quite spend more than $5 on lunch today, and man was it a tasty $5.08....So good it almost hurts....

Okay, tummy is starting to hurt...Ok, ok, I've been working out...sorta, I know I am pissing away my workouts...but I just can't fathom eating cheap-ass salads. I am all or nothing, gimme the good stuff, or just give me trash. Of course I would be totally conent having redvines for lunch too..Oh well, yipee payday is tomorrow!!!

Blissfully Married

2006-08-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

As I type away here at my keyboard, with one eye, (why do people say that? You can't really just use one eye huh?) on the clock trying to time this just right...(4:30 meeting) I've got just a little over 30 minutes to post about my blissful wedding to my fabulous husband. The "honey" is now mine all mine (muwhaahaaa) No really, it was such a glorious day, that I wished it could've lasted longer, like at least two or three more days..
From the moment I entered the room and fought tooth and nail trying not to cry my lushes fake lashes off, to the very end of the night when he held me in his arms while we swayed to Brother Iz's "Somewhere over the Rainbow" it was a day / night I will never forget...
One of the most amazing things, was that I barely heard the string trio I so meticulously hired...The second I walked into the ballroom with my Dad gripping my trembling arm, and the whole room stood up at once, it was a wonderful sound, like a stampede all getting up for me! Flashes, trembling bottom lip, hoping to God that I wouldn't trip on the aisle runner and lose my train...Getting to the front was tough, I had a really hard time letting go of my Dad's arm. I was scared I would faint or something...I couldn't look at my gorgeous sister because she was bawling her eyes out. I somehow managed to look at the honey directly in the eyes without crying, because, well he knows me, he can read me, and he knows when I am about to lose all control. The depth of his eyes were so comforting too me, they hugged me and loved me without a single blink.. Call me a tough cookie, but I was damned determined not to cry..In retrospect I feel that maybe I should've let down my hair and shed a few tears that desperately wanted to be free'd. But I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Yes, I am vain...
The evening progressed always with one eye on the honey, with the dj blowing a fuse, (very entertaining by the way) a good friend of mine singing us a beautiful song in Italian. And my Mother and I dancing to Disney's "Once upon a dream" with everyone encircling us. It was my little gift to her. I grew up with her singing all the disney songs to me as a little girl, I told you I was a girly girl..They remain sort of special in my heart. The honey and I greeted, and greeted and greeted, and sadly enough a few of you escaped unscathed...damnit...
The cake cutting was funny, I smashed some in his face very sweetly, but he tried to sexily "tease" some into my mouth..what a sexpot I've married.
The bouquet toss, went to a woman that I'd never met, which sort of bummed me out in a way because I really wanted my good friend Emma to get it..I would've thrown it right at her if I had better aim.
The garter, oh boy, I forgot mine, luckily the honey was equipt with his own. He managed to rip that bad boy off with his teeth! Adam caught, the aforementioned friend "Francesca"'s ex. Long story, but they're good friends..I think..

And then dancing, and more dancing. Some of it with my very close friends Aimmee, Veronica, Francesca and I. We went galloping through the parlor, well, because a parlor like that was begging for four young women to traipse at full speed through it. Wedding dress, shoeless and drenched with sweat. Oh what fun!

Then, that's it, it was over that quickily. The end of it all almost brought tears to my eyes.. The hall, the music, the food, the moment of feeling like there was nothing more important to me on earth than to be right then and there..all done...
We drive away in my car, gas tank on empty with a trunk full of enough liquor to intoxicate a small country. Our gift (all million and one of them) along with our food, went off into the night in two truck loads in the hands of my relatives.

We stayed the night at a VERY lovely hotel..Lush, very very nice. Chocolate covered strawberries, champagne on ice. Folks it was peerrrrfect.. The rest I will leave to your imaginations, as it's a little secret between my husband and I :)

My husband...wow, it's so new, so different, but somehow feels so right. Like God has planted me right where I am supposed to be. In the arms of the man that I will love for the rest of my life....

Bitter Sweet

2006-06-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore

29 days until I get hitched...

Arg

2006-06-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

So much for SBD...I've had really ridiculous bronchial cough for a week. My lungs itch, I am trying to get a Dr. appointment, but my doc has the day off tomorrow!!

I think it's this air-conditioning that is making me cough like every few minutes....I don't even feel much like blogging....

tonight I am going to try and workout and then do more wedding stuff....will write more later if I can.

South Beach Diet, Day 1

2006-06-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

Okay folks,
this is getting ridiculous, I had to take initiative, not only because of the wedding, but because my dress fitting is this Friday and I need to change the way I look at least a little...

I just started this today (again) for like the twenty-thousandth time, but this time I am determined to stay with it until I loose my 13 pounds. The longest I did this was for a month and I lost about 8 pounds, then gained it all back....

Thing is, if you stay in phase one for too long, that fruit craving thing really starts to get to me. I start getting all cagey..I am super sluggish today from not having any caffeine..That I am not sure I can do without..But I am going to try...

Ah, okay, I am done, funny I don't have a lot to rant about today.. :D

Let's hope I can shed at least 5 pounds this week. Going to the gym tonight, weight training tonight, yee-haw, I am going to look like a superstar. ;)

Monday Blues

2006-06-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but when I am faced with stress, I start to stress eat. Not just any ole food either, it's bad, like cheetos, pie, chocolate bars, etc...It's been especially hard lately because my wedding favors are chocolate bars...

I didn't manage to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hate skipping days like this...I guess I will make an extra special effort to get out there tomorrow morning, I will go for a run tonight too...I am feel sickly. I don't know why, my throat burns, and I am already burned out, and it's just Monday.
The only fun thing I managed to do today was get my friend / co-worker a birthday present. :) I like giving gifts....
I think I found out who the nark is here at work, and it's sort of distressing...I don't have anything spectacular to write about today, I feel like I just want to go home and lay in bed....I want to leave. I have a half hour still...I think what I wished I had was more motivation to finish projects that I start. I start them and then they're just left hanging. I hate it when I do that....

I read an article today about children with overly disciplining parents tend to become overweight by the age of 6...So tell me, why did I become overweight in high-school? Or middle school even. I noticed today, that my mother is especially emotional. I am so much like her. But she was like night and day from one moment to another. It was a little disturbing, only because I hate to see her go through such swings like that. I try to play it off like I have everything under control, but I really don't. I am like a small volcano inside. The honey knows that too, and I think it really troubles him...I wish I were thinner, like the way I was a few years ago. I don't know what in the hell I did to become so thin, so fast, but man my clothes fit me so much better, and my confidence levels were so much higher..Now I look in the mirror and I see a big fat ass....
Maybe I should set up an appointment with Marilyn. She used to ground me so much.. I sometimes feel like I have lost a sense of who I am. Like my values have changed, and my thoughts have become so angry all the time. I wish I was happy-go-lucky like I used to be. So carefree, albeit a little chunky but seeming to be so much more stable....

Gotta go.

oh yeah....

2006-05-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should explain my circuit that I did today (:D)

1. stationary lunges: 5, 15, 20 lbs.
2. squats (some on the smith press machine): 5, 20, 20 lbs.
3. outer thigh raises 5, 15, 20 lbs
4. pull downs 40, 50, 77 lbs (random, I know)
5. bench press 10, 15, 20 lbs
6. shoulder press 10, 15, 15 lbs
7. stiff legged deadlifts 10, 15, 20 lbs
8. tricep pull downs 40, 50 60lbs. (on machine)
9. biceps 10, 15, 15 lbs.

No situps, I will do those tonight when I get home. I started running out of time. I wore my heart rate monitor too, just to keep an eye on when I really started to heat up. It was overall a fantastic stepping stone into my "rediscovery" of weight lifting. I did it for a while lost my 25 lbs, and then left it behind, for cardio hence gaining back some 10 pounds.... Since my new love affair with cardio, my poor weight lifting regimen has been kicked to the curbside...until today....

I've got a little over one month to make some serious progress. DROP DEAD DATE of WEDDING : July 27, 2006.

oh yeah, lookout wedding dress with a low back, here I come.

Dog gone good day ..Yes sireee..

2006-05-22T13:57:00.000-07:00

I had a faaaabuloso work out today at the gym. It was great because I did a full circuit three times in only 35 - 45 minutes. It's fantastic I am still shaky, I love love love it. Had to make it fast cause work beckond...I ran this weekend, not long runs but short little 30 minute jogs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I decided to take Sunday off. I noticed that when I do that, I am not quite so sluggish the following workout...

It's just that wedding dress I keep thinking about. I managed to pull it out the other night when my friend came over, and man oh man do I have a bit of work ahead of me...It's okay though, I will get there, and the 10 pounds will go screaming off my dainty little frame :) Lol. Okay, not so dainty around the hips, but every place else....

2006-05-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, spring is really in the air. My allergies are in full swing. It's so weird, I never suffered from them before, now I can't tell if it's a cold coming on or just my allergies...
I am feeling much more sane these days. I just found an awesome website for e-cards, for those of you that like to get different and retro cards, go to www.hipstercards.com, very neat stuff.
I am leaving for E3 on Monday. I am pretty excited, I have never been, but I will be working the whole time I am there. It's going to be good for the honey and I to have a little breather from each other for a week too. Yeah..give him a chance to miss my obnoxious ways. :D
I see so many things throughout the day that I want to blog about, or something creative that I need to remember to make note of, and then it totally slips my mind. I guess I still do have quite a few things going on. Minus the purchasing of the most awesome, and fantastic house ever, I am doing okay considering. My Mom is coming home from the UK tonight, I am so excited to see her. Contrary to many daughters, she is one of my closest friends. She went to visit my sweet, adorable and darling little newphew, barnaby-bear.
I got my bridal shoes, and OMG I love them. I totally want to wear them even after the wedding! They fit perfectly. Slowly the invitations are coming together. I had to deal with a monster of a lady changing prices on me and making stuff up along the way. Not only did she not listen to my requests, but she seem to glaze over my emails too.. We're going on our third proof. Which is fine with me, I am a stickler like that, but I would hate to open my momento / scrapbook of wedding stuff years later and get pissed off because she didn't do her job correctly the first time..

We're working out the wedding favors, which are no longer edible, this is good, testing out so many chocolate favors was starting to kill me. I have somehow developed some sort of allergic reaction to chocolate and sugar. I get a throbbing headache after I eat a piece as small as a truffle..Sucks, because chocolate is my absolute favorite.. The cake is going to be spectacular, I can't wait to eat it!
We booked an amazing photographer, and Thursday I have an appointment with MAC to get a trial run done for my make-up.
I need to find a florist, which might be a challenge because I am very picky and all my flowers need to smell really good...Let's just hope I don't have an allergic reaction to those too!!
I think we're heading to Mexico for the honeymoon. I will be down there in June for a friend's wedding, so I might check out some sites while I am there. I am not sure still, but I really hope I can make it. She and I have known each other since first grade at the very least.

Uh oh, server's back up, need to get back to work.

happy happy day.

2006-04-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, what is going on today? I am fighting with everyone..I am my true fury self right now and I am not happy about it. In the past day and a half I have managed to fight with 3 people. Two from work and ahem the bitterness..I refuse to call him the honey today..
I am enraged about everything and soooo friggon menstrual that my 6 mile runs that I've done twice already this week are proving to do nothing for me, but afford me bliss for all of an hour after...
Waahh. I just want to sit in a corner and suck my thumb and give the world a view of my ass right now...And I mean everyone. Okay more to him (the bitterness) than anyone right now..
I am pissed that I finished my David Sedaris book. Now I have nothing to mildly humor me in all my rage. I am pissed that its sunny outside and I am not out there. I am in here smoldering hot with a little rain cloud above my head....(not to mention if it were a comic strip, it would have F@#$K#A^$#$L#&#$%$@)!!! inside of it.....God I hate being this angry...

Not cool

2006-04-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I just got totally thrown under the buss by a co-worker who didn't back me up...Thing is I was cut out of an email chain specifically because my anwers would contradict what they wanted to hear....

I am pissed off and feel like I am not being supported. First time I have felt this here...Don't like it...

Sucks..but whatver, I am starting to learn who to not trust...

The house thing..yeah, well another sore subject, we're not going through with the deal, which could actually be a blessing in disguise. Our financing wasn't ironed out, and we started running into many small snags, we eventually junked the whole idea, which leaves me with a little more time and less stress to deal with the wedding stuff...

the wedding stuff...it's neverending.....

I am feeling especially tense today and can't shake this headache..I havn't had a chance to workout in a few days, which is why my migraines are starting to creep up on me..

This feelings sorta sucks...I can't wait for our honeymoon..

Quality of Life starting to suffer

2006-04-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am not doing so well these days..Between the wedding expenses, the ups and downs of maybe possibly buying a new home...I fear that the quality of my moods are paying a high price. I am not cheerful, I am always grumpy, not finding enough time to workout like I was, and irritated because my eating habits are all over the map...I am even having a tough time sleeping on most nights...
I wish there was a way to just have more money. At least enough to buy a house and not owe anything...Why are my chances of winning the lotto so slim? I mean, how is life on the other side really? How must it be for some of those NBA stars to just have thousands of dollars in change in their pockets on any given day? What must it be like to throw down 2 million on a home and not even think twice about it? Will I ever have a life like that?
Why does it feel like I am always struggling with money? I feel like I am always so nervous about over-spending, under budgeting, and spreading myself too thin...I never thought about the price of getting married, and trying to buy a home, especially here in the bay area.
Sure, if we lived in Montanna, or Iowa or some place like that we might be able to afford a ranch with a few acres to spare. But here, buying a townhouse is like pulling teeth..The payments make me nervous, and I am not sure if this is even worth all the stress that is going into it. I mean, thirty year loans! I will be 60 when I am done paying it off...
I am not so stressed out with work, I have a pretty good handle on that, I would like to learn more about project / time management, but between bridal magazines, and home loan applications, purchasing contracts, I have very little time if any to dedicate to alternative literature...
I keep thinking after the wedding and the house (maybe) is purchased, how nice life will be, when I can laugh easily and not worry so much, be a little more carefree and not such a witch to live with. The honey and I want to strangle each other quite regularly now, and it's throwing me off kilter. The tot is paying for our stressed out living environment as well....I think I need a weekend retreat from everything, a massage scheduled for every two weeks until the wedding or something...

My head is pounding...Money is running out, and my hopes are dwindling...

ARRRGGG!!!!

2006-04-17T15:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've had it. I have had my fill of stress. I am the middle person, and I absolutely can't stand it. Everyone is stressed out and shit is falling on my shoulders and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I went ousside for a walk, that didn't help, I calmed down, that didn't help either, the shit just comes creeping back up....
It doesn't help much that work is ramping up and getting really busy. The honey hasn't been so sweet today, more of a bitter little pill he's been. But I understand we're all under the gun and I am going nuts. I didn't think I would hit this point this soon. The tears have already started falling..this is not good folks....
We have a two week deadline that we have to meet. Talk about stressful, we need to come up with 13K or drop out of the running. This is turning me inside out. I don't really have 13K just lying around the house...
Work is getting so busy, especially hectic because I am working on a conference that will require about 2-3 times as much work as a normal function. All this is going to two weeks after our loan process is scheduled to go through....
I can't find my friggon invitation card stock like I was planning. Now I might have to end up spending waaaay more than I wanted to on stupid wedding invitations...

Okay, I am grumpy (given) I am pissed off (given) I am totally stressed out (given) I am gaining weight (WTF?!?!)
I have an open mic this Wednesday, I am looking forward to it, it will give me a chance to crap out all that has been on my mind. Very similar to what I do here...

Yipee!!!!

2006-04-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

I stayed home this weekend while the honey went to a wedding in Tahoe. I wanted to stick around, "just in case" we got the chance to bid on our house...And guess what...?? We did. I placed a 3% payment down, and will put more up later if all of our financing goes through. I can't believe this happened today. I was with my Mom, and had my sis, and the honey on the phone. It was such a joyous moment that suddenly I felt my face getting really super hot, and bam, I was red as little turnip.

I had dinner with one side of my fam tonight in lieu of Easter, and will celebrate more tomorrow with the rest. I watched UFC 59 tonight, man it rocked. I was sooo shocked that Tim Sylvia won that fight, I was absolutely sure that Arlovski had it in the bag.

I was watching a pre-fight documentary on Arlovski, and that guy runs 10 miles a day and does conditioning 3 hours in addition to that after his run. I was blown away..

I whipped out the ole wedding dress today, and to my dismay the larger size actually fit...This is not good. I ate like a little horse tonight, and didn't get to do my hour run, due to the purchasing of my first home...however, tomorrow it's all or nothing baby...I gotta get back into doing cardio everyday in addition to my weight training, I think that's how I will shed the extra pounds...

Ah well, I am off to bed, with a good book and a cup of tea. I am reading "Dress your family in Courdory and Denim" By David Sedaris. He's funnier than shit. I also just got my first free issue of Cooking Light in the mail I think I will skim through it to see if any of the recipes will be worth while...

Gotta hit the hay my baby blues-green-gray...whatever, are getting heavy. Nigh nigh.

Progress at Last!!

2006-04-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, I finally found my happy medium..It's the morning workouts that keep me smiling. I didn't realize how much I thrive throughout the day after a good hard workout in the morning. I detest getting up that early but man it's worth the effort, because then I have the whole day to frolic around and be a happy fury.

This week, I've made a lot of progress with regards to the pre-bridal body. My current goal is to see some visible changes in my muscle development and shed about 13 pounds before the wedding, which is proving to require discipline of steel.

My workout routine for this week

Monday: Weight Training (full body) : legs, chest, arms, back, abs, shoulders, and anything else that comes to mind during that hour and half.

Tuesday: Cardio (30-60 minutes) usually I enjoy running, but find that my body feels strangely jolted after an hour long run. I ran 30 minutes around my neighborhood, don't like running on pavement if I can avoid it, I will.

Wednesday: Weight Training, did the full body.

Thursday: Cardio. Ran 60 minutes (6.15 miles) during lunch at a gym near my work. Very good hard run, but found it was hard to break from the 30 minute barrier to the 60 minutes. Trying to speed up the mileage to 8.5 min/ miles, currently doing 10:00 / mile

Friday: Weight Training. Did a full body workout as planned.

Saturday: Cardio (30-60 minutes)(plan to do a 60 minute am treadmill run, with intervals, alternating sprints and hills.)

The good news is that I can tell my metabolism is speeding up, because I am constantly hot now, and wake up at night roasting, as opposed to wearing so many layers and freezing throughout the day. This is attributed to the weight training. I noticed this a few years ago when I victoriously shed ~25 pounds via constant weight training, and unbeliveably very little or no cardio...Lol, and then gained 15 back!

The food part is the most challenging for me, becuase after I've worked out so hard, I am famished and want to eat everything in site! It's so easy to undo all the hard work!! So I really have to stay on top of it with chugging more water, and drinking my protein shakes when I start getting hungry... Overall, it's been a productive week. I have worked really hard, and I am slowly starting to see some progress in my body. I am a happy little fury today :D

Grumble grumble...

2006-04-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

It all started with the stupid door last night. He insisted on keeping it wide open and I wanted it cracked...I argued that the light was in my eyes, as I have this weird need to be in complete blackness when I sleep. I argued anyway, knowing what it would progress into...And it did...It got mean, and resulted in hurt feelings. Sometimes I am just horrifically controlling and need things to be done in a certain way. See, I have so many evening rituals that if something is thrown off track I can't sleep. I am really starting to wonder if I really do have OCD. This would explain so many of my ridiculous needs to do things in a certain way. But I also have this small problem of not being able to let go of things.
I don't understand how some women do it. I just hang on and must dominate...It's awful. It's this thing that is devouring..I guess if I was a competitve athlete it might work out in my favor but as a soon-to-be-wife and step-monster it's not helping the greater good...
Which got me to thinking, actually FinnyKnit's blog got me to thinking about this. I am horribly off balance right now...I am lacking somewhere and I can't identify exactly what or where this hostility is coming from, until this morning....
It dawned on me that I spend a huge amount of time with the honey and tot, and well..work...In all this craziness that is my life, I have yet again stumbled on this little golden nugget..I need to spend more time alone...I need to reclaim myself...In a world where work is so important, where scavenging for meals that will feed my family a close second, I find that "me" gets lost in the shuffle...
I have a few events coming up that I am excited about that I think will help me reclaim my me-ness..Here is my Plan "A" Tomorrow night I am going to a princess house party...what that is I don't really know, I just know that I will get to visit with an old friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 10 years.. Then this weekend, if the gods should bestow us with riches, I will have the opportunity to claim a townhouse for us to live in. This will be done with the honey out of town and the tot with his mom, the ex-monster. And then, as if a dirty joke was played on me, the Sunday that follows is Easter..Okay, I will give up SOME time to spend with the fam..God only knows that I owe a lot to them.
Plan "B" a stand in could do my job at the home purchasing stuff (family member) and I would head off to Tahoe with the honey and some other friends to attend a long awaited wedding of some friends of ours...I don't know really I am up for either plan, but I do definitely see a need for some alone time in all this. I wonder if I would have a chance to take a nice nature walk in Tahoe? The people that we'd stay with (my friend) might think it a little odd..I don't know....
This rain certainly isn't helping matters at all.....I feel blue and down. I don't know why, I guess I just yearn for some sunlight, longer than a half days worth, to lift up my mood.
It's a lot of things. the wedding stress is getting to me, just having that little cloud above my head is bothering me, I just need to get stuff done, but can't seem to find the extra hours in the day.
I am still also contracting for my last job, which is also getting to be too much...

Oh crap, I am late for a meeting....
Gotta run..

Barnaby Joseph

2006-04-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

World, I would like to introduce you to my beautiful new-born nephew Barnaby Joseph. He is the son of my sister and brother in law. He currently resides in the UK, so it's a little hard for me to give him a snuggle, but I send loving thoughts his way. Welcome baby! We have anticipated your arrival with longing and joy in our hearts. The world is yours.

Tearfully, I thank God for giving him to my sister and her husband. They are such wonderful people and very good parents. This is just the beginning of the formation of this precious little soul's life. He couldn't have chosen a better family to belong to!

Ohhh please please please

2006-04-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

There are so many things to contemplate before buying a house, and although this whole process feels rushed to me, I want it more than anything...I guess I just want my own nest to fluff.

If all goes well, which I am starting to doubt that it will, we will have a kitchen that looks something like this:

It's a nice area, close to where we want to be, not a bad place to raise a budding family, and nice and close to Starbucks :D

There is so much financing crap that has to be ironed out, that is one thing that I am worried about. How in the heck to people actually pay for their mortgages around here??? Prices are astronimical. Maybe I have just been a renter for too long. I dunno...But having a little strip of yard to myself and a bathroom that I can completely dominate sounds like luxury to me!

Ahh well.. TGIF.

Just One of Those Days

2006-04-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like the world is working against you? Like the power of nature is just so exceptionally tremendous that you can't fight it? Like the way you feel when you're stuck at home with no electricity....Man I feel like everything is going against me today. I wonder if it's in stars or something. I can't keep up with life today. I am sooo tired, I should've gone to bed sooner than 1 last night. Who was I kidding? I am no spring chick anymore....I had a double tall latte this morning and the sucker didn't even make a dent....It only managed to aggrivate me, and fight with the honey... :(

I am feeling like work is getting overwhelming, and there's nothing I can do to stop this title wave..I didn't even work out today..Maybe that's why I feel like this..The sukcy thing is, is that when I am tired like this, I get more hungry than usual...I think it's my body's way of say "heh heh, I'll show her to deprive me of anything.."

Lord, can't the day just end already?

For all you inquiring minds

2006-04-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have a few pics to share with you..although I don't know if its bad luck to show these before the wedding or not...not sure, but at least HE hasn't seen them :)More to come later.

I am still on the hunt for some nice footware, but haven't given it my best effort. I am on the lookout for a good hairdresser too, if anyone has any suggestions..

I will just give you a sneek peek of what the back of my dress looks like :)It is very simple, straight and diamond white. I am not big of frills and big poufy dresses..

I will be losing some weight between now and then..hmm...about 13 pounds....Yes, so at last my cute little 2's will fit me again. I hate things being so tight on me righ t now, you'd think I was preggers or something...Lets not go there right now though, I am trying to wrap up the end of my business day :\

It's Raining it's Pouring...

2006-04-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

okay..what the hell has been going on? Where is spring? and why are we getting so much friggon rain!? Heading home from Pebble Beach last night (work related venture)I actually got so scared, I had to call someone. My dad..What a savior. we talked for a few miles until I got the jitters out of me. I got lost somewhere near the 17 mile drive and couldn't navigate my way out of Pacifc Grove. On my way back up hwy 1 north, I was graced with a lightening storm while traveling through the woods. Now, any normal person might appreciate this, but as an earthquake accepting, Californian I was utterly scared out of my wits. Lightening = cool, near tall tree overhead = not cool...

I manage to call the honey..well, I didn't want him to know what a fraidy cat I really am...I guess I felt stupid..After sweating bricks for a while, I caved and called him too. Man my cell phone bill is going to hurt this month..

I've got good news about wedding updates, but can't chat about it right now. will post more in a bit!!

Crazy Cat Terroizes Connecticut Town

2006-03-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

I am rolling around laughing my ass off. See below:

Wed Mar 29, 7:24 AM ET

FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

___

Phew...

2006-03-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, I actually did the math and I am still ahead, by about 500 calories. I don't know why, I just eat when I am stressed. And all this wedding maddness and making sure I fit in my dress, blah blah blah. I am stressing myself out...I guess I miss the days when I was a slight size one. I miss those days when I could throw on a pair of jeans and whatever top I wanted because they weren't tight at the hips! Yes, the days where the jaw line was more emphasized and make-up looked different because there was less face...

489 + 1040 = 1589 - 540 = saftey zone 1049

Trying desperately to stay at about 1136, but man it's tough.

Okay, I have definitely thought about this too much..

The Wild Orca

2006-03-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. How come that word is spelled with an "n" I find that incredibly annoying...

I hate undoing any good that I have done for myself. This week, I have stuck to my guns and worked out every morning at 6ish. I have utterly impressed myself. Being the non-morning grumpy queen that I am, I have proved myself wrong. But somehow by 2 or 3 o'clock I have managed to undo all my hard earned, sweat dripping, burned off calories. Today, I have managed to devour the entire planet in just one sitting. I ran for an hour, yay, kudos to me, I am finally back on track, and have done weight training every other day, it's been a pretty rigorous schedule to stick to, but man oh man am I sore. But maybe it's stress, house-purchasing jitters, wedding jitters, new job stress. I dunno. I am like 1000 calories over my diet plan for today, and am bloated like a wild orca. Great, now my very preggers best friend, is threatening to stuff a chocolate souffle down my throat after dinner tonight. Quick, lemme find the nearest building, so I can jump, and end this diet-obessive drama.

I actually do hate thinking about it so much, but I hate not fitting into my clothes even worse...and somehow, I can't cut the carbs. They're like a sneaky group of gangsters, corning me at every turn..Okay...so I stuff myself and then get pissed off at the world....God, I am soo horrifically mental about so many things right now. The honey called me "hormonal" this morning, and I was ready to launch a whole set of knives at him. Good thing we were on the phone, or else he might decide to not marry me, after seeing my head make a full rotation...

Maybe one of these days, I will try to eat and eat and eat, and then eat more. I will do my very best to eat every carb in sight so I can relish in my wild orca-ness, and then see how I feel...Wait a minute..I did that just last weekend....

I wish I knew how to post pictures on this darn site...I guess I could research it, but I am simply just too lazy. I am so ready to go home. I thought it would be a very productive thing, to try and do my laundry on my lunch hour...WRONG...seven loads, two lottery tickets, a bag of cinnamon graham crackers, a roasted chicken wrap, diet coke, and two strawberry pop-tarts later I find myself cursing the fact that we don't have a working washer. And why in the hell is it that people at laundromats are friggon crazy?! We're all there for the greater good, yet some people are just whacko. I get it...Maybe it's God's way of telling me that it's time to gather up all my quarters and run to the nearest Sears and splurge on that fancy 500 million load capacity washer that I am salivating over...It's like I feel like I am being punished every time I take all 7-9 loads of my laundry to wash it..why is that, it's so weird. Not to mention that after over-eating and getting annoyed at every funny look, I almost completely missed a meeting at work....I already got here about a half hour late this morning. I am just feeling so stinkin' out of sorts today...

Arg...

Oh Yeah

2006-03-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

I think I just found my wedding ring!!! It's just a matter of making it happen now. The honey has been diligently seeking out rings that he thinks I would like. He's been scouring the web for me...so sweet...

Purty isn't it?

I just got The Time Traveler's Wife from the library. I am tired of spending money on books that I read really fast and then just leave lying around.. So I discovered the beauty of being frugal. :D

Two whole days of doing nothing...ahh..okay I am doing quite a bit of somethings, working out, cleaning, searching for a new washer...wedding stuff. Hair cut tomorrow Yipee!!!!! I can't wait. My hair salon that I go to es tres chic. Johnnie cuts my hair, isn't that perfect? He kills me, he loves curly hair and does miracles with my wild tresses. I feel like I am in a wonderland, I don't know what to do next, should I run in the rain? Should I continue to feed my ever consuming need to calculate my caloric intake? Should I throw caution to the wind and go have a sundae?
Heck, I might even go get my nails done! Me...miss-I-can-do-everything-myself.

I am resurrecting my open mike conglomerations. I am pretty jazzed about that. They've asked me to do a reading this Thursday, but alas, it will be my first day at work on the new job, and I must leave the lines free for any sort of post work anxiety I might go through. Although I don't expect my day to be short of walking on clouds, I like to give myself some room to breathe.

To feed the every increasing big show epidemic in myself I attended my second Strikeforce event. It was the first time CA ever legalized MMA fighting, with a record breaking event at the HP Pavillion (formely known as the shark tank) about 18K people showed up, in a very long, very exciting, Mixed Martial Arts event. It reminded me of when the honey and I went to Vegas. I felt all hyped up and excited after my first UFC fight. I loved watching their techniques, their submissions, and their knockouts. Although I get irritated when men try to "box it out" so to speak, some people just aren't as strong as they'd like to think and should stick to grappling....At this fight though, Frank Shamrock put on a very good fight Cesar Gracie was in no way, shape or form prepared for that match. Shamrock knocked him out in the first 21 seconds of the first round. We met him and his brother Ken in Vegas a while back. They are really nice in person. Speaking of rounds...man those ring girls wear damn close to nothing. I suppose if I were turned on by them, I would've thought they were hot...Reminds me of what the honey's bachelor party might look like...Ugh, I don't even want to think about it..

Man I was on the edge of my seat for a whoping 4 hours. After l left, I swore I should've been born a man. After a lot of beer, and blood gushing punches and kicks we headed off for Brittainia Arms in downtown SJ. One word..ghtetto...
It was fun, although I did have to say it was rather nice having 6 rather large, and muscular men at my aid when a little pee wee tried to grab my ass. Ahh, the feeling, it was fantastic. The honey was especially sweet, after a few drinks he's so silly. We danced, it was fun.

We did manage to roll into a Taquria (ok my spanglish sucks) I ran into an old sorority sister of mine, very cool, nice chatting with her again. Later we walked back in freezing rain to our hotel room. It was certainly a fun night. I proved myself wrong, I am not, nor will I ever be "one of the guys" but nontheless, it's nice being a little feminine, and able to adapt to being with only men, and no women..It's funny men are so much more fun when they drink..I did manage to stay away from really caloric, "girly" drinks, and stuck with light beer the whole night..

Gotta run, laundry and lunch await me.

Hooray!!!!

2006-02-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

They offered, and I accepted...There is a long story behind this, I will post more later, lets just say I am in the safe zone now!!!!!

Another business week....

2006-02-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

Ugh I am here again. I thought surely by now I'd be on my way to my new place of employment. I still haven't heard from them officially...Tonight is my Nonna's rosary, and tomorrow morning is her funeral. I bet they will call me on Wednesday and make me an offer, wouldn't that be strange? I won't be here tomorrow at least. I don't know why, I am just dreading working right now, and dealing with the people I work with. I hate being on the spot and scrutinized for my degree of saddness..They will inspect me, assess the seriousness of it all, and then start piling on the work. I really don't want to immerse myself in this bullshit today.

I finished knitting a scarf I started over a year ago, it's nice very theraputic actually I forgot how much I like to knit and make things..

I hosted a family dinner the other night (Saturday) that was fun I made lasagna that is going to last us for days, I also have enough tiramisu to feed an army. The cooking and visiting with my sister / family was such a nice distraction from everything. Now that she is gone, it's like the hard reality of it all is starting to hit me...Nonna is really gone, my sister and brother-in-law have really gone back to the UK. And I have to deal with myself again. My feelings, my saddness. I have to be here working... You see my family is uniquely close. We're so reliant on each other. I got to show my sister my wedding dress, that was a big thing for me, I forget how much I love that dress. I try it on and I instantly feel happy. Its like a drug...I also have dreaded working out, I don't know why. It was such a joy to me, I almost always looked forward to it...I have been eating a lot more and can feel myself hanging onto the extra calories. I have to be stern though, I am planning to look very good for my wedding, so that means I have to have discipline made of steel these next few months...No more dilly-dallying around with my food and workouts.

I have only been here a half hour and feel like it's been ten years. I hope this day goes fast....

Rosalia Lo Schiavo

2006-02-17T07:52:00.001-08:00

My Nonna died yesterday. At 1:10 pm she took her last breath. Words cannot describe the saddness I feel.

UnFucking Believable!

2006-02-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

OMG, I am so totally pissed off right now. These past few days have been so hard, I have been falling apart left and right and trying to keep my wits straight. Last night, I left work a little early to be with my Nonna. I was at the hospital with her by myself for a couple of hours, it was good. I had the chance to talk to her and show her my true feelings. I guess it's kinda the same thing as talking to someone in a coma. She couldn't respond, only with moving her hand and arm around a bit. It's heart wrenching, but I dealt with it. Every couple of seconds when her breath was deep and she'd exhale and wait a few seconds and take another breath, my heart would jump. I kept thinking each breath she took might be her last....

My family was due to come back to the hosptial a bit later, so I lingered on, just watching her, stroking her hair, and just being there in the moment. I wanted to make sure she was not alone. My cell phone rings. It's work..great...Earlier in the day I created table tents, and name badges for our marketing program's manager Cindi. Here's the thing about Cindi, she is totally self-centered and cares very little for those around her. She thinks the world revolves around her and has a fit when it doesn't. So I helped her out cause I knew she had a big event last night. Normally I don't concern myself with little stuff like that, but it seems to me that everyone here is a template idiot and doesn't know how to layout anything...I printed the table tents, the name badges and counted the inserts. I didn't count the number of strings (that wrap the name badges around your neck) I figured since she supplied me with everything she had a handle on her supplies...

Here I am at the hosptial, and Cindi calls. She is demanding that I go down to San Jose, to bring her more strings for the name badges because I didn't count them and she was short. There were no office supply stores near her and she insisted that I come down there...I told her "No" that I was with my grandma at the hospital by myself and couldn't leave her alone. She blurted out "okay, thanks for your help" and hung up on me!

I was flabbergasted. 1. because she would have the audacity to call me with such a ridiculous request when it's her responsibility...and 2. because she actually thought that I was going to put her needs above the needs of my family. WTF? Does she actually think I give a flying fuck about her stupid name badges!?

This morning, I came in the office ready to rip her a new asshole, but decided against it since I am leaving this place at the end of the month. You see the thing that troubles me is that she called me from my bosse's cell phone. So he knew about it...No fucking compassion at all....

Today I have closed myself in an office so I don't have to deal with any interruptions and can crank through some work. I told my boss this morning in front of her that I didn't have time for name badges and garbage like that today. Today I am on a mission. (I am responsible for laying out a 3 volume book) and no one knows that I am leaving yet, so I am in a pretty big rush to get this done....

Nonna is being moved today from the hospital back to the nursing home. I hope she is going to be okay, I am going to see her after work tonight...I feel bad, my fiance and step son haven't seen me all week, I hate neglecting them. He's been such a sweetheart. The poor little tot is sick today, he's got some sort of flu.....Why does it seem like when it rains, it pours??

One happy little note, my veil and hair piece came in, they're waiting for me to pick it up....At least I have the arrival of a beautiful wedding gown to look forward to...

Buon San Valentino Nonna

2006-02-14T21:41:00.000-08:00

The death process has begun. I don't know why I am blogging about this right now. I guess my tears have fallen so numerously that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She is giving up hope on life. They're not sustaining her life, no water, no feeding tubes, now she just lays with her eyes closed, occasionally tugging at her clothes waving one arm around. Not that actively but actively enough for me to know that she is a fighter. She is not letting go that easily. It has been 3 days since her stroke.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.

Strength Through Adversity

2006-02-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

I am not quite sure if that is the appropriate headline. but it is what I most deeply desire right now. The weekend progressed slowly and thick like molasses on Friday afternoon, until I got the unusually calm phone call from my mother. Let me set this up for you...I was driving away from work, cheerful, yet a little sad since my very good friend had completed his last day of his semi-two week notice. I thought how much excitement lay before him and felt a genuine happiness in my heart for him because I knew that he would be happy elsewhere. The sad part was me being selfish because I would be stuck in this firey hell pit alone...As I bounded home down the freeway I called my mother, as I usually do at the end of the day to see how she's doing. Turns out that my grandmother (Nonna) has been hospitalized unbeknownst to me. She was having chest pains, and kept getting dizzy. I understood. She's 93 and a little spitfire of a woman, I thought, heck, she'll be fine, she's a fighter...Saturday came, the tot had a great bball game and things when relatively smoothly with the ex-monster. No major disruption. So the fam and I headed over to my folks' place to help with yard work and remodeling. But being the stubborn fitness queen that I am, insisted on a five mile run beforehand. I ran, the tot and the honey bumbled around behind me. about an hour behind me. I finished my run, completed some required wedding phonecalls and waited for them. After this we headed over to my folk's as I'd mentioned, did about 5 hours worth of very tiring manual labor then bounded for the hospital.
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?

Wedding Updates

2006-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Well, the honey and I seem to have made huge progress last night in terms of our guest list. After much aggrivation over too much family, I have finally narrowed it down. As I hoard my spreadsheet I do not plan to rehash that nightmare again until I absolutely HAVE to get addresses to send reminders..Which, will be like tonight, tomorrow and probably most of the weekend. I didn't realize how much weight I was shouldering by not doing this sooner. Last night a huge weight was lifted as I drifted off to sleep... Until I woke up at, 3, 4 and 6am... I don't know if it was the evening run or the wedding jitters that kept me awake, but I didn't sleep much last night. It's okay, it got my ass to work a little sooner than normal. Big Whup, now I can do nothing for 8 whole hours instead of 6. Yes, I have been slacking off big time here. I am bored out of my noggin...I am holding so tightly to the fact that my hopefully new employer WIILL call that I am starting to not care so much at all anymore...
Happier news...Spring is starting to sprout! Hooray!!! I love the greenery popping up everywhere. It's like a pretty painting just for me. I can't help but notice the beautiful hues of pink showing up all over the place. My heart is sings at this sight. The warmer temperatures of the past few days have been so refreshing. It's totally renewed my spirits and made me want to be outdoors more than anything. Last night my run was so beautiful, I couldn't help but admire the goregeous setting sun peeking over the hills. What a sight! It made the hour go so much faster, moving scenery, moving water, pinkish swirls of a sunset. I could've eaten it.
I don't know why but I was so overcome with sentiment last night during my run, I started thinking of all my Italian relatives that I miss so dearly. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. It's like this huge opening in my heart opens up when I workout and all the pent up stuff and feelings just come bursting out. I guess it's a literal release for me in so many ways. I thought about my cousin Salvina in particular and I almost cried, and l laughed. I don't know why.. I miss her.
It's funny how caught up we get in our lives, how we let everyday things consume us. There is so much more in this world besides work!!! Honey and I toyed with ideas for the honeymoon. Talks of Greece, Jamaica, Fiji were flying last night. We both agree that we want a tropical climate with activities (not a cruise) but enough night life to keep us awake and drunken with excitement to be there together and away from everything realistic and practical...At least for a week.
I am listening to Jovanotti, what a great voice he has, it's thick like honey, and his pronuncaiation of Italian words brings me back to Tuscany. I love the way the words roll off his tongue and make music. His harmony and singing talent is nothing to brag about but his voice is just so rich.

Okay...I need to run. I have to pretend that I am working or something....

The Fire Blazes On

2006-02-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

I am still waiting..waiting...waiting..hoping that they'll call and kick themselves for not hiring me sooner. Work has proven to be challenging, yet again.

One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...

The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....

The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.

I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.

"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."

-Ani Di Franco

When oh When.....

2006-02-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

I'm getting spammed like 20 times a day now, for online pharmaceuticals, viagra, and god knows what else. Why is this happening? I don't go browsing at sex sites or anything, especially not when I am working!!! Yes, they're spamming me at work, I know it's just a matter of setting up some rules, but I don't know if I can resist the urge to rule out every person that emails me with a request at this place....which brings me to my next topic...when oh when will "the second most desirable company in the world to work for" call me back to make me the big offer? I say this because, I have always considered pixar to be the coolest place to work at, only because I have always wanted to be a computer animator...But I will definitely take the next best thing...I can't disclose the name of the company, but let's just say that I will forever lead a life of games if I get this job. Yes, I am targeting the gaming industry. I think it's a lucrative career move as a designer / creative person. This could be good. This could be really good. In fact this could be amazing....We shall see, I guess time can only tell me what is possible.

Last night I ran. I ran and ran and ran. And still I had pent up premenstrual angst that I just couldn't shake. I am planning on running my first half marathon in April if my schedule permits. I guess I am getting tired of running without a cause. It will be fun, hopefully it will break me free of my shell of lone running. I don't know why I find so much satisfaction in running alone. I just love it, my favorite time of the day is just before sunset....ahh I can run for hours at that time of day...If only I could talk the sun into not completely setting for me, now that would be cool.

The tot has a game this weekend, where only the ex-monster and I will be attending. This ought to be interesting. Not that I mind her that much anymore, I guess I just don't care much for the personal probbing. Like I am something for her to outshine or outdo, which is okay I guess..Hey if it makes her a better person, I am all for it. I enjoy chatting with her, but sometimes I feel like it's just to see what I am doing, and how she could do it beter.

The honey is going to be out of town, which is okay with me, we're especially overdue for some needed r&r apart for a day or two. You know how that is..when you have had so much of each other that it's just aggrivating after a while. The only problem is that I am so hopelessly attached to him, that even the dog and I get a little down by ourselves when he is gone.

hmm...running....dog....nah...I like my time alone too much...Isn't that sad, that our dog seems like an impediment right now? The good thing about the "second most diserable company in the world to work for" is that I think it will require quite a bit of traveling, which I think will be good for me right now at this point in my life....I have always equated traveling for "grown ups" Like I never really made it to that step. So this will be a "grown up" job with "grown up" responsibilities....I am ready for this next step...

Ya know..I really can't stand this feeling like I am going to blow up. Not that I am pissed off or anything, but for some odd reason I can almost understand the road rage, the angry customers in line at the post office, and the overworked and still working out people at the gym...Isn't that sad? I am not a violent person. well, not all the time, but damn I would make an excellent fighter. I wonder why I never got involved in professional fighting, I definitely have the drive and the raging hormones to do it. I just don't want to mess up my face and body...Yeah, probably not a good idea to mess with my real estate. I am not getting any younger so the chances of bouncing back quick are not as good as they might've been had I been in my 20's.
This is theraputic I think, the more I write, the better I feel, the less I feel like whacking someone. This is good. God, I can't stop checking email...when oh when are they going to call me???? I can't wait anymore!!!!!!!

A theory on human mortality

2006-01-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

Isn't it amazing sometimes how humans actually function? It almost seems like a nasty trick. I can imagine God sitting in his heavenly pearlesque and golden rocker. Thinking aloud..."I will bless this world with humans. All kinds of them, skinny, fat, slow, fast, insanely brilliant, and even stupid ones. But here's the thing....They must be able to handle the fact that there will only be 24 hours in each day they are given to live. That along with the fact that they must sleep almost half of that time. Some will not require that much, those lot can do without the sleep, they will age faster, and will suffer the loss of sleep, but nonetheless, it won't matter that much. 95% of the remaining, must get about 8-10 hours of sleep the remainder of the time, if not more. Then, the must be able to feed themselves, hunt if they must, bathe and have time in the remaining daylight hours to accomplish as much as they can. Oh yes, one more thing, I am going to give the female bunch the ability to reproduce, with of course, the male's contribution. So, yes, once the offspring is born, they have to do all these things to the best of their abilities, and also do it for the smaller ones until they can do it for themselves."
He claps his hands together and rocks back and forth for a bit. Rocking chair squeaking.
"I think I am going to give them the ability to feel...yes, that sounds good, I am going to give them all these things they must accomplish along with the ability to feel a wide variety of emotions, sometimes all at once." This is going to be fun....

Oh what a tangled web he has woven...

Pride and Predjudice

2006-01-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

I had no idea that Pride and Predjudice was such a beautiful love story. I know I read it when I was younger, but I guess I must've forgotten the story.
I found it so intriguing when Elizabeth found herself so repelled but yet so attracted to the one man, she knew she could never have. She loathed him, yet she yearned for him at the same time. Classes were such a hateful thing at the turn of the century especially in England. I can't imagine how difficult life must've been for the people born in a lower class. Especially the women. I think of how lucky I am to have been born when I was. Women have treaded down such a long and gruesome trail of inequality, and despair. It makes my heart wrench at the very thought of it. It's hard to believe that there was a time when women were at the mercy of their suitors. They had to accept a life of no love for the sake of their survival, worse yet, their family's survival.
However, there were those that were lucky, and found true love. Tonight, made me think of the honey. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him, yet we're so mutually stubborn, and born of sharp tongues, that sometimes I just have to throw my arms up in submission. Yet I chose this. This is mine to keep. This is mine to do what I please with. This is not a life that I was born into and forced to live. This is my choice. My choice. What a wonderful concept. A woman's right to choose. To choose to love or hate, to keep or to destroy. Although I couldn't bring myself to do the latter. The freedom of that concept alone is enough to make me cry. I don't know why really. I guess that movie made me think of present day values and customs. How so many women I have seen are so helplessly and stupidly arrogant with themselves. If they only knew the hardships and the predjudice we have endured, maybe their eyes would flicker open and the fog would clear. Maybe they would have more pride then to throw themselves away with contempt and poor self image. Then there are those, that I so look up to, the ones that value themselves and are pillars of strength in my life. Like my mother, my sister. These are two strong women. Two women that remind me to be proud, no matter what company I keep or whatever circumstances I find myself in. They helped form that little voice that reminds me of right and wrong. They showed me what it meant to be a woman.

Long time no post

2006-01-18T16:12:00.002-08:00

Wow, it's been over an entire year since I last posted to this site...So much has happened...lemme see, hmm...turned 30, that was weird, in a tragic sort of way...I got engaged, which was one of the happiest moments of my 30 year old life thus far....found out my sister is about 7 months pregnant, (my maid of honor) and also found out, that my best friend, and back-up maid of honor is due on the date of my wedding...jeesh...babies, babies, everywhere...I guess that's what happens when you're 30ish.

It's just so strange, I am in such a different frame of mind since my last post. I did manage to climb at least one step of this corporate ladder, not that much higher, but enough for now. It's made me realize that this is not the place I want to be, no matter what the position is...I don't feel that I will ever truly be taken seriously here...that along with my work ethics starting to go down the drain..I care so much less, which is a sad concept to me. I am late getting in, early leaving, dread coming in when I wake up in the morning, clearly a sign of a need to change careers, or at least place of employment....

As far as the honey goes, I have seen sides of him that I adore, and sides of him that enrage me. I love him nonetheless but am starting to get cold feet about this whole thing we call marriage. We, as I have said before, are like two sticks of dynamite, extremely explosive, but are useless when not ignited..the tot is turning out to be a little stick of dynamite and the ex monster is the darn lighter...I love the honey a lot, but past events have made me a little weary of his temper and mine when pushed too far. I have been able to open my eyes to many flaws, of both of ours, but I thank god that this has given us the opportunity to make substantial changes in the way we handle each other. I sometimes think that I haven't fully let go of past instances or even past relationships, but I push forward each day, and hope that I don't ignite someday...I don't miss the past, or care to revisit it, but I hold on to a lot of anger, this is my biggest flaw.
Ugh, well that was painful....onto lighter things....
Like the fact that I am interviewing at two places at once. I feel like Dr. Jekly and Mr.Hyde..(rubbing palms together) I am planning to plot the two against each other if given the opportunity. I am holding out for the the first place, but don't think it's such a good idea. The second place, I found out, is brining more people in to be interviewed....hmmm, I must've not wow'd them like I thought..Isn't that funny, when you're totally conviced that you're the shit, and someone tells you otherwise. It's like my hotair balloon is deflating and has become nothing but a floating canopy of hissing air, slowly and quietly making it's way back to the ground..

My body aches, I did a full body workout last night, took me 2 hours, but it felt so good. I think I got out a lot of agression. I bought my wedding dress, and man oh man, do I have a lot of work to do on these ever-so-shapely hips of mine...The dress calls for a narrow board-like figured frame, which is everything I am not...So I ordered it bigger and am going to have it downsized, so if I don't make my goal, at least I will still look good. At least I hope...I am trying to eat more often, but smaller meals that consist of more protein, which I think is helping, the weight is starting to go down...Water too, I can't seem to get enough..Too bad I can't have one of those drip things, with the needle that goes in my vein, so I could just scoot around and not worry so much about having to injest so much damned water all the time....

Hooray, its 4:40...only twenty minutes of this rubbish left, ahhh screw my poor work ethics, I have to get home, sum up some sort of tres bien, gourmet meal, preferrably involving chicken....And somehow manage to get catfood and run 5 or 6 miles, that should take me about an hour..the run that is...I don't really like running in the rain, but don't think I will have time to pop in at the gym...Although I feel like a hamster in a wheel when I run on the treadmill. Let's see what exciting adventure itrain has afforded me for oly $7.99, I have tried istrength, now I am on my way to itread...Can't beat the dish run tho' that kicked my arse, my legs hurt for like a week.....

Okay, 15 minutes and counting......I wonder if I will get to buy this laptop from this place if I leave, I love it...It's got a nice big fancy display..hmm, I have been spoiled with the technology..My poor ole dinosaur at home is on it's last legs..Oh yeah, speaking of home, we're looking at houses too. That has been an undying search from hell. Everything we want in the area we're targeting is in the lower 9's...I can't believe that I don't even cringe when I look at $1million dollar homes these days, it's like no big thing anymore, I start to calculate what the mortgage would be in my head, and I don't even flinch really..I just leisurely walk out and think..oh well, that's nice......Okay..I am done with this rant..

The Roundest of Them All

2004-12-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

In a moment of premenstrual weekness today, I stuffed my face with McDonald. Yes, I can't believe it, me, Ms. Step Aerobics herself. I ate a big 'n tasty, small fries, and a diet coke, like the diet coke would save me from falling off the edge of my daily allowance of calories and fat.
I haven't written in a while. I noticed that everything was starting to suffer, not because of the blogging per say, but because I felt that I was indulging in too much self disgust and anger. Things have changed quite a bit, I've been more productive at work and still not happy with it, but I am trying to promote myself within the company I am not having a lot of luck with it thus far, but at least they know now that I am not going to be in this line of work forever.
Things with the boy have been inching along, there have been a few rough patches, but nothing that isn't manageable. I've noticed though that I am in this increasing hurry to get married and settle down. Perhaps my biological clock is tick-tocking a little too loud, but I just have so many plans. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately too. Sometimes I run my hand over my tummy and wonder what it will be like when I finally decide to house a little one in there. What will he/she look like? What sort of mom will I be? What sort of dad will the honey be? What sort of family could we have? Will I be happy or resentful? I think back to words that a friend of mine said a while ago, she said, after having her daughter, she wondered why she waited so long for this? It was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I am not as career driven as I used to be. I guess I get discouraged from not being able to climb this corporate ladder. I can't seem to get to the next rung. So, maybe I am thinking about babies by default...Not sure. I've seen my cousin and her daughter a lot lately, and when I see that happy shiney little face I just want to kiss her all over. I've held her sweet little face in my hands and my heart melts, it's scary how special she is to me, and she isn't even mine. But I am so close to my cousin, that we're almost like sisters, so naturally anything of hers, I feel like it's mine as well. I love that little baby, I can see why my cousin wants to change her life and be the best that she can be. Maybe that's it, I am in a slump. I am not really seeing a need to be the best that I can be, why? For what reason? To prove it to the world that I can? I know that I can, I know that I can be at least ten pound lighter too. I've just gotten lazy and a little complacent over the pas year. My burning drive to please and to look amazing is sort of fading...
I'm feeling lethargic, tired, sore (did a crazy kick-boxing class last night) and down on myself for not being more restrictive with my pre-menstrual cravings. Again, they have gotten the better of me. I can almost feel the downward spiral suck me in. I know it's all psychological, I can choose to not let this get to me.
Yes, I have the power of choice. I have the power and ability to pull myself out of all this bullshit. I know I can. I believe in myself, I know that I am a strong woman, stubborn as hell and proud of it.
I wanted to go do something spontaneous this weekend and the honey got all irritated with me because he had his heart set on golf.... but what can I do? Maybe I will go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get a tree, but he didn't want to do that without the tot. I just wanted to do it without any arguing. There has been a lot of that going around lately. I don't know if it's because the tot is getting to a argumentative age or if he really just doesn't like me being around. I just try to stay out of it, but it wears on you after a while, when closing the door and trying to be alone just doesn't cut it. It's so funny because as a child, I was so happy and peaceful, always smiling and laughing. And look at me know, a heap of emotional matter, rounding out to be a longing mother with very few friends that even want to socialize with me anymore. I sometimes wish for that excitement, that spark which new relationships bring, that giddiness, but I know that it always fades. I don't want a new relationship, I just want this one to go forward and perservere. I thought about that today, why am I always comparing him to others? Why do I compare myself to the ex-monster? Why do I always feel like whatever I do, it's never enough? Has this just come full circle? Is the timer on the stove ringing because it will overcook if I don't pull it out of the oven? Or is it ringing because preheating has finished and I can finally plop my goods in to cook?
I can't stand this time of the month, I usually can't sleep, I cry a lot and I always have to re-think the direction of my life. When is it going to just stay in one place? When will my hormones allow me to have an emotionally normal and cry-fee/non-life altering moment of just plain happiness? I would settle for bliss, but somehow I think thats asking for too much.
I need to run, too much stuff to do before the end of the business day and I am already behind....Back to the daily grind.

Confessions of a Step-Monster

2004-11-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

(written 8/16/04)

Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….

On Climbing Half Dome

2004-11-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

10/8/04 The Day that I climbed Half Dome...

The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.

The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.

She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.

The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.

She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.

That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."

Soymilk Anger (written 10/5/04)

2004-11-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

Soymilk Anger

Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.

Friday Afternoon Blues (written 9/24/04)

2004-11-02T16:58:00.001-08:00

Friday Afternoon Blues

This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…

Bobble Head (written 9/7/04)

2004-11-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

Bobble-head firefighting girl

Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….

I Wish

2004-11-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

I wish we could talk
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.

I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.

I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.

I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.

I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.

I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.

I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.

a circle in a room full of squares

Stuff Just Lot's of Stuff...

Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Kittens...

To contract, or not to contract....

My chocolate escapade

In the Face of Adversity

The uninvited visitor

How Could I Forget?

100th post!! I was a RenFaire Nerd

I still miss you...

Letting Go

Off She Goes

Stress-Eating Rears it's Ugly Head

Joy

Home, Happy, Whole

Hope

Simon

Short Story # 1 - title pending

Gratitude Friday

Gratitude Friday

Life

Wildflower 2008

My Moon Catching Net

New Home

An Ode to The Past

La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta

The Eye of the Storm

House projects, craft projects, and more house projects

New Beginnings

The Ex....

fresh apples - BLEH

5:02:03 *Wildflower*

F**king Day

Heartache

Hear me Roar

All things baby

bubba

Reaching New Heights

Training Blues

Team in Training -YIKES!!

For the kitty

Gimmmeee a "D"

The Dentist.....

Notice of Resignation

Rare Form

Sustaining Joy

10 minutes and a bucketload of dirt

When it all started

Things that I want

The Diamond in the Rough

Ok Damnit

When I was skinny

This is Why They Call Me Fury

Baby's Baby's Everywhere

Why Oh why....

Mmmmm. It's good to be Bad >:)

Blissfully Married

Bitter Sweet

Arg

South Beach Diet, Day 1

Monday Blues

oh yeah....

Dog gone good day ..Yes sireee..

Not cool

Quality of Life starting to suffer

ARRRGGG!!!!

Yipee!!!!

Progress at Last!!

Grumble grumble...

Barnaby Joseph

Ohhh please please please

Just One of Those Days

For all you inquiring minds

It's Raining it's Pouring...

Crazy Cat Terroizes Connecticut Town

Phew...

The Wild Orca

Oh Yeah

Hooray!!!!

Another business week....

5:02:03 Wildflower