Stuff Just Lot's of Stuff...

Well, so this monthly blogging thing isn't quite working out as well as I'd planned. It's quite apparent that I need to start doing this more often. I'm like a fricking time bomb when I wait too long to let stuff out. I can't really blog while I'm working - even on contract... Here's what's at the forefront on my thoughts right now....

my old employer's article that just landed on the front page of the San Jose Merc's business section
my recent choice of wedding photos
how fat and out of shape I've gotten
how badly I want a baby
how much I hope this new place (I interviewed at earlier this week) offers me a job
how lost in making money I've been
how absorbed in Sophie Kinsella (my latest fav. author) I've been
how often I've started crying lately....

So brace yourselves folks this one has the characteristics of a novel-esq blog. I warn you it's been a while since I've let my hair down...My old employer (can't name them by name) was recently interviewed for publishing this book -which I happen to be in! And for some odd reason, the article just irritated the shit out of me. I read it and wanted to throw something at them, (yes from San Jose to Mountain View) it was so f-ing obnoxious and arrogant, that it made me ill. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I guess I proved to myself that the hurt of being laid off really does take some time to heal.

Wedding photos...I've finally procrastinated longer than I have ever thought possible (in this case more than two years) and have finally chosen our 61 photos to go to press -and return in our fine leather craftsman album in Jan. 09. I mean, DAYUM I looked good! We both did.. I was so much thinner! You could actually see the contour of my lovely face! Which leads me to my next thought...This emotional eating business has gone too far. I eat what I want, when I want, and how much of whatever I want. It's actually ridiculous. It's nothing that my mere 45 min occasional runs can burn off. Or the random weight lifting session at any given gym that I'm in the mood for. I simply MUST get back to better eating habits and a routine workout. I won't journal my diet though, I hate doing that, I feel like I'm on restriction. That's the deal with me, it needs to feel normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, cause once I start thinking that I'm depriving myself, it's completely OVER -(I mean, candy, carbs, pasta, fat whatever I can get my hands on) -Not to mention my latest attempt at lowering my cholesterol levels? hahahaa, yeah, that's gone down the tubes as well. I keep telling myself, I'll just hop on over to Walgreens, and discretely purchase an "at home" self testing kit...Until I realize what I've eaten the past few weeks.

Hmmm, how convenient, this thought really leads to the next! I've been meaning to drop about 20lbs or so, just to prep my body for conception. We're not trying yet, although I think we will be pretty soon, because I am in hyper baby mode now. I can't take it. I'm almost embarrassed to say exactly how badly I've got baby fever. I irritate myself with how much I long to be a mommy. Puppies, kittens, babies, whatever, it drives me into high-octane-hand-over-the-baby-now-or-I'll-shoot mode. It's not even funny anymore. It's not even a matter of biological ticking, it's a raging obsession...

See, this is why I'm pimping myself out to other companies. I am desperate to find my niche and plant it somewhere soon. Being a contractor -and from what I hear this isn't always the case..I don't get paid holidays or leave of absence(s). So taking off 12 weeks without pay 9, 10, 11 months from now, is totally out of the question. Had this dawned on me when I accepted the stupid contract I would've kept interviewing and not gotten too comfy for the past few months...That's another obsession that's been brewing, how are we going to fork over money for daycare? (I think I've found a reasonable answer) family and more family, friends of family. It might work, if I can coax hubby into it. He's not too hot of the idea right now..But really, who better to rely on than those that raised you!?

So in taking a break from all of my busy, obsessed, and outrageous thoughts, I've turned to the latest Shopaholic series. OMG Sophie Kinsella KILLS ME. She's so outrageously funny that she actually makes me laugh out loud when everyone's gone to bed, and I am the only moron up in the world reading at 2am on a weeknight. I'm almost done with all of her books, but it's just been so much fun to read them. Turns out my sister (all the way in the UK) was reading the same exact book of Sophie Kinsella that I was at the same time! Trippy..

In hindsight, I guess it's all pretty obvious why I've been a tearful mess lately. It's quite clear that my life is changing. I know that I am the one fueling the change, but it's like I almost can't help it. Something has come over me, and I am thrown. I am ready for the next chapter. If you add raising a teen to the mix, surely you'd think I've lost it. Which I very may well have. The tot, how can I put this without sounding like a complete asshole step-monster...Has been very challenging. His lack of an actual mother in the picture hasn't lightened the load on us either. So it's really the hubby and I learning the ropes of hormonal adolescence on our own. And TRUST me, it's f-ing hard. Almost made us re-consider this whole baby thing...Until I turned on the t.v. and saw the Gerber Life Insurance commercial. Naturally, I think it's clear to all, I've lost my mind.

Ok, time to give this a rest, my eyes ache, and my head hurts. I had a glass of dessert wine tonight while making dinner (after my long bawl of course- to hubby) and now I feel like my head's been through the ringer....Man, sometimes, I realize how terrifying this must be to the average outsider, the actual crazy chaos that is our home when I watch our dog, staring at us like we're a bunch of f-ing lunatics. We love, yell, laugh, scream, and then love some more....This is my crazy life....

Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Kittens...

So, here I am. I am actually contracting. The strange thing is, even though I've been neglecting this blog, I feel more centered and down to earth than I have in a VERY long time. (My absence usually depicts a dip in my ability to verablize the crap I am going through) I am not necessarily in a bad place, but I can see that if I want to make any sort of headway into mommyhood, I will need a full time job, with full time benefits. It's cool, at least I am getting my feet wet and I am desinging again. I didn't realize how much I've missed it. I've been going through a whole gamut of emotions lately. Seeing that it's "the week before" I have to excuse myself, because I am a tad more postal than the other three weeks of the month.

Around the end of August, I had a full panel of bloodwork done. I came to realize that I had borderline high cholesterol, and high thyroid hormones. My doctor made me change my diet / exercise completely. It's been an adjustment, but definitely one for the better. I get up every morning now at 6:15 or 6:30, and workout for about an hour. I then head over to the Cisco cafeteria, where I enjoy my regular eggwhite veggie omelette. It sucks not eating normal dairy or any sort of fatty animal products. But now that I actually think it out loud, it seems kinda gross. Fatty animal products...ick.. I think I am losing weight, my clothes feel a little loser, although the scale isn't changing. I think I need to watch my portion control. Today, I just took what I normally eat, and cut it in half. It was weird at first, but when I noticed that I wasn't a starved maniac. I was cool with it. It will just take some getting used to and a lot more water intake.

I took my measurements, so that will be a good comparison in a few months. What I NEED to do, is take the dreaded "before" picture and then stow it away and then pull it out in 6 months and relish in all my hard work. Working out 6 days a week isn't as bad as it may seem. It only sucks on days like today, where I haven't gotten enough sleep and I am on the verge of ripping someone's head off. At least I've only had one major episode this month. God, I can't wait to be pregnant so I don't have to deal with my stupid premenstrual hormones anymore. Some say it gets worse, but really, can glowing for 9 months out of 12 REALLY be that bad? Ok, so there's morning sickness, and early contractions / labor pains, and the "actual" birth, but will it send raging premenstrual hormones coursing through my veins, making passerby's fear for their safety for about a week? I think not...

Oh yeah, my friend asked me to start writing lyrics for his songs! WAY COOL. I am just a little nervous as to how I will be "perceived" I am a little sensitive about that. I usually just write poetry for my own sanity. But not feeling the need to vent, I am all out of steam! So I guess I will just plug away at it. I am not feeling any one feeling stronger than any other...So this will be interesting. Had he asked me like a month ago, I would have had endless material for him.

Speaking of which...I finally decided to let go of my anger. I forgave my old boss. Chatting with him online really helped me. People keep telling me how it took a big person to do something like that. But really, all I did was listen to my heart. I had to forgive him. Too many things in my life are "right" right now, I can't afford to let that bitter my insides anymore. I have just written it off to "crappy things happen to good people." Life dealt me lemons, so I am making lemonade.

I need to go, I actually have some "work" to do. I am not really motivated to do it. There isn't a huge time constraint like there was at my last job. Jeez, working here has been a walk in the clouds compared to where I've just come from. It's good, less hair is falling out and the whites aren't sprouting quite as quickly as before :D I guess you can say, I am in a good place right now, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I haven't given up hope on Apple. But I am giving myself the freedom to be okay with maybe right now isn't the right time for Apple. But I know in my heart, eventually it will be!

To contract, or not to contract....

So I've been toying with the idea of being a full time contractor. For some reason, this option (if I were to take it at Cisco) kind of quells my fears about committing to a place that I might be unhappy at. Also, this will give me some time to get a grip on the job situation at Apple. Seeing that I might need to hang out for a while longer...I mean, if the pay is good, and I am working on my own terms, why not? I feel better about this. More hopeful. Like I am accepting an opportunity, but not closing all the doors. This might actually work out for me...

I made an apple pie tonight. I must say, I f-ing rocked it. It was sooo good. I watched "The Secret" today. And for some reason, it always urges me to do what I love to do, and that is cook. I haven't picked up the sewing book in a while. I am scared to f-up my fleece mittens. I've got the hat nailed down, but man the mittens are killing me.

I am peeling like crazy. That's what I get for going to the beach last week and literally getting toasted all day. :D It was good for me, I never do stuff like that and I really needed to let go. It was pretty funny, here I am running around in my bikini around gals I used to work with. It was great. I surprised myself in the fact that I was okay with this. Normally my harsh inner critic doesn't show any skin, if I can avoid it. But after a few fuzzy navels and glass of wine in cheap plastic cups, I kicked inhibition to the curb. I must say, I am proud of myself for handling my feelings the way I have been. I have ups and downs, but today, they've been more up. I get depressed sometimes, but now I know what to do when I start to get scared. I think it's made me closer to my husband too. I can see the need now for more harmony in our lives. Now, more than ever it's been really important for me to feel close to him. Sometimes though, I am just not there 100%. I don't know why, I think I am just caught up in the "what is going to happen with my life next?" moment...I ran yesterday, that was good. I am glad I went, it lifted my spirits and my heart rate, which I desperately needed.

I am getting tired. (first time this week, that I am tired before 12 or 1) so I am going to jump at the chance to hit the hay a little earlier.

nighty night.

It's unbelievable how you come to the realization at a much later date, that when things change, you'll do whatever you can to change them back. If you're like me at all, and you don't adapt to change very well, it's almost like dying a painful death. I was on my way out of my old job when I got caught off guard and got laid off. Now it feels like nothing is really as it seems. And although I wasn't happy at the time, I've been unexpectedly booted from the nest.



It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..

I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...

My chocolate escapade

(photo is not my actual cookies) So last night I started my first night of "Making the Cut" with Jillian Michaels after the most sweat producing 30 minutes of my life, I of course in denial and stuck in a self-sabotoging behavior cycle decided that I needed to make chocolate chip cookies. Of course, I HAD to test the batter, the chocolate chips and the end result. This was actually a good night, I only had one cookie (snort) I think my premenstrual mania took over..After feeling like a cow for eating so much sugar after my "day 1" workout. I kicked into full gear. Unloading, loading, dishes, folding, washing, drying clothes. Making the bed, paying bills. Ummm, I guess I can't handle chocolate that well. At 12am last night, I am lying in bed, blinking thinking, WTF did I eat? Was it that vitamin? Was it my workout, I CAN'T sleep. Well...Something finally kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up in the same position...

Lesson learned, no more cookies, chocolate or sweets at least until I meet my 20lb weight loss goal..

In the Face of Adversity

Just to give you a little background of what's been going on I am copying a snippet from another blog I wrote to.. (I know cheater that I am)

"So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church..." (posted on Thursday 7/10)


Fast forward to 8am yesterday morning (Friday 7/11)

I am driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I am behind a 2007 Acura MDX. (I guess the driver lives in my neighborhood) We take the same road, to the same Starbucks. He pulls into a parking spot, I pause, then pull in right next to him, trying to make sure he has enough space to get out. He doesn't see me, and swings his door open, right into my passenger door....The biggest fucking dent you've ever seen. (We quickly and uncomfortably exchange info, while his little boy hangs around waiting) he goes into starbucks, I sit in the car debating on telling hubby what just happened...He leaves, I go in for some coffee. Visibly shaken, disgruntled, I get my coffee, and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwhich and leave, late to work now...On the way, I call his insurance company and file a claim, explaining that I was not at fault...Later I find out he's disputing the claim. I go to the garage his insurance wants me to go to, get a quote and photos taken. I leave with a $1700 dollar cloud hanging over my head...Not completely disheartened, cause I know that Apple is going to call! I know they want me!!

Fast forward to 8pm that night...(I didn't get the message until about 10 mintues ago) Apple calls, apologetic about calling so late, but informs me that the job has been placed on hold, due to the Director wanting a more "senior" person for the role, they really liked me and want to keep me in mind for another job, that they don't know when will come available...WTF?! But thanks for understanding...Take care, buh bye...

Friday night 10pm (prior to dreaded Apple voicemail) - hubby and I find out that we forgot his mom's birthday on July 1st. DOH....We look like assholes.

Saturday (12:00pm, prior to hearing the dreaded voicemail from Apple) I am sitting in our bedroom facing the sunlight after having fought with hubby over bullshit chores and things, and maybe because I am feeling a tad bit bitchy..I sit quietly doing my best at trying to tweeze my out-of-control barbarian eyebrows...I tweeze too much, cursing, I give up, sporting the vanilla ice eyebrow, I give up, and just end up drawing them in...So Iook retarded, but whatever...

12:39 pm, I browse the apple site, like a rejected lover, grasping at straws, I try to find the *perfect* job...Giving up, I write the HR people, a sticky sweet, "keep me in mind for future positions, blah blah blah" email...

12:55pm, I sit here at my computer, thinking really? Did all this just really happen all within a 24 hour time frame? Disheartened, and disillusioned.

I think I am going to try to make something...maybe food, maybe a child's gift...Whatever it is, I feel like a complete loser...

The uninvited visitor

I walked down the path to her apartment to pick up the little guy. Earlier as I drove to her house, I prayed. I prayed for the strength to just get through this and get on with my night. As I approached, I could hear her bubbly high-pitched laugh. The excitement in her voice, oozing over how happy she was about her pedicure she got the day before. Snorting to myself I made my presence known, by saying "hi."
She looked over at her friend and went, "ohh." Like "Oh, just fucking great." was more of what it sounded like. She tried to make me feel small, but the funny thing is I didn't. I thought, "Oh for crap's sake, just get on with it, and say your goodbye. Yahoo might be trying to get a hold of me any second now." I said "Happy Birthday" to her as I was walking away, and she gave me a very snide squinty-eyed, sort of "fuck you" thank you. She stayed very quiet as we walked away. I walked away with my head high, because it had been so long since I was immersed in that sort of environment, or even held hostage in a situation like that. I haven't been put in a corner like that in a long time, and this time I didn't give her any strength. I laughed because I saw the near empty glass of a light amber liquid, which only tells me that she's been drinking. Glassy eyed and pissed off, she was even too loaded to fake it with me. I gathered the little guy and breathed a sigh of relief and we left her place. Happy to be back in my car away from her low energy, the little guy asked me to just call him next time and he'd come out to the door.

It's just been so long since I've felt this way, that I felt like saying "Fuck you, bitch, I am not scared of you anymore." You can huff and haw all you like I can't be shaken.

It was almost a little liberating to see how much I've grown since the times of feeling scared and small and insignificant. Now, I know I am more important, and that if she ever tried to hurt me, she would be in a world of hurt. Not because of obvious repercussions, but because I am untouchable to her. She cannot hurt me anymore.

How Could I Forget?

How could I forget, how much you really hate me....

or how much I really hate you too..

How could I forget, that I essentially have taken your place in the greater scheme of things.
How could I forget, how jealous you are of me...?
How could I forget, how pathetic your existence really is?
How could I forget, that you do still love him, and you hate to see me with him?
How could I forget, that you really do have a drinking problem, despite the lies you tell everyone?
How could I forget, the reason I spiraled off into a mess of insecurity when I met you?
How could I forget that this is how you really are deep down inside?
How could I forget, that I am your arch enemy, and that I will be an unaccepted outsider to you.
how could I forget, how much it stings to be hated, when I am ready to forgive and move on?
How could I forget, that you really are that much more spiteful, angry and hateful than I could ever be?
How could I forget, that you used to love my husband so much you promised to be with him always?
How could I forget, that you reach out to my loved ones when you're in need, and expect me to turn a blind eye to your actions?
How could I forget how above all this I am?
How could I forget how petty all this bullshit really is?
How could I forget to unwrap myself from my own life and realize that you struggle everyday, and probably every hour with yours?
How could I forget that I should forgive and forget, because you never will?
How could I forget to be a better person than the person that gets dragged down into your hole of darkness?
How could I have forgotten how to rise above all the drama and shit, and lead you by example?
How could I forget that you always put your own needs before anyone elses?
How could I forget that as a parent it's your blood right to be a part of a son's life that I wish was born to me?

How could I possibly forget any of these things?