Stuff Just Lot's of Stuff...

Well, so this monthly blogging thing isn't quite working out as well as I'd planned. It's quite apparent that I need to start doing this more often. I'm like a fricking time bomb when I wait too long to let stuff out. I can't really blog while I'm working - even on contract... Here's what's at the forefront on my thoughts right now....

my old employer's article that just landed on the front page of the San Jose Merc's business section
my recent choice of wedding photos
how fat and out of shape I've gotten
how badly I want a baby
how much I hope this new place (I interviewed at earlier this week) offers me a job
how lost in making money I've been
how absorbed in Sophie Kinsella (my latest fav. author) I've been
how often I've started crying lately....

So brace yourselves folks this one has the characteristics of a novel-esq blog. I warn you it's been a while since I've let my hair down...My old employer (can't name them by name) was recently interviewed for publishing this book -which I happen to be in! And for some odd reason, the article just irritated the shit out of me. I read it and wanted to throw something at them, (yes from San Jose to Mountain View) it was so f-ing obnoxious and arrogant, that it made me ill. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I guess I proved to myself that the hurt of being laid off really does take some time to heal.

Wedding photos...I've finally procrastinated longer than I have ever thought possible (in this case more than two years) and have finally chosen our 61 photos to go to press -and return in our fine leather craftsman album in Jan. 09. I mean, DAYUM I looked good! We both did.. I was so much thinner! You could actually see the contour of my lovely face! Which leads me to my next thought...This emotional eating business has gone too far. I eat what I want, when I want, and how much of whatever I want. It's actually ridiculous. It's nothing that my mere 45 min occasional runs can burn off. Or the random weight lifting session at any given gym that I'm in the mood for. I simply MUST get back to better eating habits and a routine workout. I won't journal my diet though, I hate doing that, I feel like I'm on restriction. That's the deal with me, it needs to feel normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, cause once I start thinking that I'm depriving myself, it's completely OVER -(I mean, candy, carbs, pasta, fat whatever I can get my hands on) -Not to mention my latest attempt at lowering my cholesterol levels? hahahaa, yeah, that's gone down the tubes as well. I keep telling myself, I'll just hop on over to Walgreens, and discretely purchase an "at home" self testing kit...Until I realize what I've eaten the past few weeks.

Hmmm, how convenient, this thought really leads to the next! I've been meaning to drop about 20lbs or so, just to prep my body for conception. We're not trying yet, although I think we will be pretty soon, because I am in hyper baby mode now. I can't take it. I'm almost embarrassed to say exactly how badly I've got baby fever. I irritate myself with how much I long to be a mommy. Puppies, kittens, babies, whatever, it drives me into high-octane-hand-over-the-baby-now-or-I'll-shoot mode. It's not even funny anymore. It's not even a matter of biological ticking, it's a raging obsession...

See, this is why I'm pimping myself out to other companies. I am desperate to find my niche and plant it somewhere soon. Being a contractor -and from what I hear this isn't always the case..I don't get paid holidays or leave of absence(s). So taking off 12 weeks without pay 9, 10, 11 months from now, is totally out of the question. Had this dawned on me when I accepted the stupid contract I would've kept interviewing and not gotten too comfy for the past few months...That's another obsession that's been brewing, how are we going to fork over money for daycare? (I think I've found a reasonable answer) family and more family, friends of family. It might work, if I can coax hubby into it. He's not too hot of the idea right now..But really, who better to rely on than those that raised you!?

So in taking a break from all of my busy, obsessed, and outrageous thoughts, I've turned to the latest Shopaholic series. OMG Sophie Kinsella KILLS ME. She's so outrageously funny that she actually makes me laugh out loud when everyone's gone to bed, and I am the only moron up in the world reading at 2am on a weeknight. I'm almost done with all of her books, but it's just been so much fun to read them. Turns out my sister (all the way in the UK) was reading the same exact book of Sophie Kinsella that I was at the same time! Trippy..

In hindsight, I guess it's all pretty obvious why I've been a tearful mess lately. It's quite clear that my life is changing. I know that I am the one fueling the change, but it's like I almost can't help it. Something has come over me, and I am thrown. I am ready for the next chapter. If you add raising a teen to the mix, surely you'd think I've lost it. Which I very may well have. The tot, how can I put this without sounding like a complete asshole step-monster...Has been very challenging. His lack of an actual mother in the picture hasn't lightened the load on us either. So it's really the hubby and I learning the ropes of hormonal adolescence on our own. And TRUST me, it's f-ing hard. Almost made us re-consider this whole baby thing...Until I turned on the t.v. and saw the Gerber Life Insurance commercial. Naturally, I think it's clear to all, I've lost my mind.

Ok, time to give this a rest, my eyes ache, and my head hurts. I had a glass of dessert wine tonight while making dinner (after my long bawl of course- to hubby) and now I feel like my head's been through the ringer....Man, sometimes, I realize how terrifying this must be to the average outsider, the actual crazy chaos that is our home when I watch our dog, staring at us like we're a bunch of f-ing lunatics. We love, yell, laugh, scream, and then love some more....This is my crazy life....

Home, Happy, Whole

Home home home. I am home. Today....was really hard. It's been a day that has been filled with adversity. Yesterday was similar, but today, the cracks in my shell are starting to show. The gooey inside is starting to spill out. Bubbling, and boiling to the edge of the pot, my innards tremble. There is no peace in my heart..Until now....

Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.

Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.

We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.

Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.

And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.

I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.

Life

So, I don't have a lot to write about, I just feel that maybe I should update my "blog" on the intricate ongoings of my life. :) Not so intricate these days....

As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...

Here's what's been going on lately"

- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?

Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.