Well, so this monthly blogging thing isn't quite working out as well as I'd planned. It's quite apparent that I need to start doing this more often. I'm like a fricking time bomb when I wait too long to let stuff out. I can't really blog while I'm working - even on contract... Here's what's at the forefront on my thoughts right now....
my old employer's article that just landed on the front page of the San Jose Merc's business section
my recent choice of wedding photos
how fat and out of shape I've gotten
how badly I want a baby
how much I hope this new place (I interviewed at earlier this week) offers me a job
how lost in making money I've been
how absorbed in Sophie Kinsella (my latest fav. author) I've been
how often I've started crying lately....
So brace yourselves folks this one has the characteristics of a novel-esq blog. I warn you it's been a while since I've let my hair down...My old employer (can't name them by name) was recently interviewed for publishing this book -which I happen to be in! And for some odd reason, the article just irritated the shit out of me. I read it and wanted to throw something at them, (yes from San Jose to Mountain View) it was so f-ing obnoxious and arrogant, that it made me ill. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I guess I proved to myself that the hurt of being laid off really does take some time to heal.
Wedding photos...I've finally procrastinated longer than I have ever thought possible (in this case more than two years) and have finally chosen our 61 photos to go to press -and return in our fine leather craftsman album in Jan. 09. I mean, DAYUM I looked good! We both did.. I was so much thinner! You could actually see the contour of my lovely face! Which leads me to my next thought...This emotional eating business has gone too far. I eat what I want, when I want, and how much of whatever I want. It's actually ridiculous. It's nothing that my mere 45 min occasional runs can burn off. Or the random weight lifting session at any given gym that I'm in the mood for. I simply MUST get back to better eating habits and a routine workout. I won't journal my diet though, I hate doing that, I feel like I'm on restriction. That's the deal with me, it needs to feel normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, cause once I start thinking that I'm depriving myself, it's completely OVER -(I mean, candy, carbs, pasta, fat whatever I can get my hands on) -Not to mention my latest attempt at lowering my cholesterol levels? hahahaa, yeah, that's gone down the tubes as well. I keep telling myself, I'll just hop on over to Walgreens, and discretely purchase an "at home" self testing kit...Until I realize what I've eaten the past few weeks.
Hmmm, how convenient, this thought really leads to the next! I've been meaning to drop about 20lbs or so, just to prep my body for conception. We're not trying yet, although I think we will be pretty soon, because I am in hyper baby mode now. I can't take it. I'm almost embarrassed to say exactly how badly I've got baby fever. I irritate myself with how much I long to be a mommy. Puppies, kittens, babies, whatever, it drives me into high-octane-hand-over-the-baby-now-or-I'll-shoot mode. It's not even funny anymore. It's not even a matter of biological ticking, it's a raging obsession...
See, this is why I'm pimping myself out to other companies. I am desperate to find my niche and plant it somewhere soon. Being a contractor -and from what I hear this isn't always the case..I don't get paid holidays or leave of absence(s). So taking off 12 weeks without pay 9, 10, 11 months from now, is totally out of the question. Had this dawned on me when I accepted the stupid contract I would've kept interviewing and not gotten too comfy for the past few months...That's another obsession that's been brewing, how are we going to fork over money for daycare? (I think I've found a reasonable answer) family and more family, friends of family. It might work, if I can coax hubby into it. He's not too hot of the idea right now..But really, who better to rely on than those that raised you!?
So in taking a break from all of my busy, obsessed, and outrageous thoughts, I've turned to the latest Shopaholic series. OMG Sophie Kinsella KILLS ME. She's so outrageously funny that she actually makes me laugh out loud when everyone's gone to bed, and I am the only moron up in the world reading at 2am on a weeknight. I'm almost done with all of her books, but it's just been so much fun to read them. Turns out my sister (all the way in the UK) was reading the same exact book of Sophie Kinsella that I was at the same time! Trippy..
In hindsight, I guess it's all pretty obvious why I've been a tearful mess lately. It's quite clear that my life is changing. I know that I am the one fueling the change, but it's like I almost can't help it. Something has come over me, and I am thrown. I am ready for the next chapter. If you add raising a teen to the mix, surely you'd think I've lost it. Which I very may well have. The tot, how can I put this without sounding like a complete asshole step-monster...Has been very challenging. His lack of an actual mother in the picture hasn't lightened the load on us either. So it's really the hubby and I learning the ropes of hormonal adolescence on our own. And TRUST me, it's f-ing hard. Almost made us re-consider this whole baby thing...Until I turned on the t.v. and saw the Gerber Life Insurance commercial. Naturally, I think it's clear to all, I've lost my mind.
Ok, time to give this a rest, my eyes ache, and my head hurts. I had a glass of dessert wine tonight while making dinner (after my long bawl of course- to hubby) and now I feel like my head's been through the ringer....Man, sometimes, I realize how terrifying this must be to the average outsider, the actual crazy chaos that is our home when I watch our dog, staring at us like we're a bunch of f-ing lunatics. We love, yell, laugh, scream, and then love some more....This is my crazy life....
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Kittens...
So, here I am. I am actually contracting. The strange thing is, even though I've been neglecting this blog, I feel more centered and down to earth than I have in a VERY long time. (My absence usually depicts a dip in my ability to verablize the crap I am going through) I am not necessarily in a bad place, but I can see that if I want to make any sort of headway into mommyhood, I will need a full time job, with full time benefits. It's cool, at least I am getting my feet wet and I am desinging again. I didn't realize how much I've missed it. I've been going through a whole gamut of emotions lately. Seeing that it's "the week before" I have to excuse myself, because I am a tad more postal than the other three weeks of the month.
Around the end of August, I had a full panel of bloodwork done. I came to realize that I had borderline high cholesterol, and high thyroid hormones. My doctor made me change my diet / exercise completely. It's been an adjustment, but definitely one for the better. I get up every morning now at 6:15 or 6:30, and workout for about an hour. I then head over to the Cisco cafeteria, where I enjoy my regular eggwhite veggie omelette. It sucks not eating normal dairy or any sort of fatty animal products. But now that I actually think it out loud, it seems kinda gross. Fatty animal products...ick.. I think I am losing weight, my clothes feel a little loser, although the scale isn't changing. I think I need to watch my portion control. Today, I just took what I normally eat, and cut it in half. It was weird at first, but when I noticed that I wasn't a starved maniac. I was cool with it. It will just take some getting used to and a lot more water intake.
I took my measurements, so that will be a good comparison in a few months. What I NEED to do, is take the dreaded "before" picture and then stow it away and then pull it out in 6 months and relish in all my hard work. Working out 6 days a week isn't as bad as it may seem. It only sucks on days like today, where I haven't gotten enough sleep and I am on the verge of ripping someone's head off. At least I've only had one major episode this month. God, I can't wait to be pregnant so I don't have to deal with my stupid premenstrual hormones anymore. Some say it gets worse, but really, can glowing for 9 months out of 12 REALLY be that bad? Ok, so there's morning sickness, and early contractions / labor pains, and the "actual" birth, but will it send raging premenstrual hormones coursing through my veins, making passerby's fear for their safety for about a week? I think not...
Oh yeah, my friend asked me to start writing lyrics for his songs! WAY COOL. I am just a little nervous as to how I will be "perceived" I am a little sensitive about that. I usually just write poetry for my own sanity. But not feeling the need to vent, I am all out of steam! So I guess I will just plug away at it. I am not feeling any one feeling stronger than any other...So this will be interesting. Had he asked me like a month ago, I would have had endless material for him.
Speaking of which...I finally decided to let go of my anger. I forgave my old boss. Chatting with him online really helped me. People keep telling me how it took a big person to do something like that. But really, all I did was listen to my heart. I had to forgive him. Too many things in my life are "right" right now, I can't afford to let that bitter my insides anymore. I have just written it off to "crappy things happen to good people." Life dealt me lemons, so I am making lemonade.
I need to go, I actually have some "work" to do. I am not really motivated to do it. There isn't a huge time constraint like there was at my last job. Jeez, working here has been a walk in the clouds compared to where I've just come from. It's good, less hair is falling out and the whites aren't sprouting quite as quickly as before :D I guess you can say, I am in a good place right now, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I haven't given up hope on Apple. But I am giving myself the freedom to be okay with maybe right now isn't the right time for Apple. But I know in my heart, eventually it will be!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
To contract, or not to contract....
So I've been toying with the idea of being a full time contractor. For some reason, this option (if I were to take it at Cisco) kind of quells my fears about committing to a place that I might be unhappy at. Also, this will give me some time to get a grip on the job situation at Apple. Seeing that I might need to hang out for a while longer...I mean, if the pay is good, and I am working on my own terms, why not? I feel better about this. More hopeful. Like I am accepting an opportunity, but not closing all the doors. This might actually work out for me...
I made an apple pie tonight. I must say, I f-ing rocked it. It was sooo good. I watched "The Secret" today. And for some reason, it always urges me to do what I love to do, and that is cook. I haven't picked up the sewing book in a while. I am scared to f-up my fleece mittens. I've got the hat nailed down, but man the mittens are killing me.
I am peeling like crazy. That's what I get for going to the beach last week and literally getting toasted all day. :D It was good for me, I never do stuff like that and I really needed to let go. It was pretty funny, here I am running around in my bikini around gals I used to work with. It was great. I surprised myself in the fact that I was okay with this. Normally my harsh inner critic doesn't show any skin, if I can avoid it. But after a few fuzzy navels and glass of wine in cheap plastic cups, I kicked inhibition to the curb. I must say, I am proud of myself for handling my feelings the way I have been. I have ups and downs, but today, they've been more up. I get depressed sometimes, but now I know what to do when I start to get scared. I think it's made me closer to my husband too. I can see the need now for more harmony in our lives. Now, more than ever it's been really important for me to feel close to him. Sometimes though, I am just not there 100%. I don't know why, I think I am just caught up in the "what is going to happen with my life next?" moment...I ran yesterday, that was good. I am glad I went, it lifted my spirits and my heart rate, which I desperately needed.
I am getting tired. (first time this week, that I am tired before 12 or 1) so I am going to jump at the chance to hit the hay a little earlier.
nighty night.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
It's unbelievable how you come to the realization at a much later date, that when things change, you'll do whatever you can to change them back. If you're like me at all, and you don't adapt to change very well, it's almost like dying a painful death. I was on my way out of my old job when I got caught off guard and got laid off. Now it feels like nothing is really as it seems. And although I wasn't happy at the time, I've been unexpectedly booted from the nest.
It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..
I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...
It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..
I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
My chocolate escapade
(photo is not my actual cookies) So last night I started my first night of "Making the Cut" with Jillian Michaels after the most sweat producing 30 minutes of my life, I of course in denial and stuck in a self-sabotoging behavior cycle decided that I needed to make chocolate chip cookies. Of course, I HAD to test the batter, the chocolate chips and the end result. This was actually a good night, I only had one cookie (snort) I think my premenstrual mania took over..After feeling like a cow for eating so much sugar after my "day 1" workout. I kicked into full gear. Unloading, loading, dishes, folding, washing, drying clothes. Making the bed, paying bills. Ummm, I guess I can't handle chocolate that well. At 12am last night, I am lying in bed, blinking thinking, WTF did I eat? Was it that vitamin? Was it my workout, I CAN'T sleep. Well...Something finally kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up in the same position...
Lesson learned, no more cookies, chocolate or sweets at least until I meet my 20lb weight loss goal..
Saturday, July 12, 2008
In the Face of Adversity
Just to give you a little background of what's been going on I am copying a snippet from another blog I wrote to.. (I know cheater that I am)
"So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church..." (posted on Thursday 7/10)
Fast forward to 8am yesterday morning (Friday 7/11)
I am driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I am behind a 2007 Acura MDX. (I guess the driver lives in my neighborhood) We take the same road, to the same Starbucks. He pulls into a parking spot, I pause, then pull in right next to him, trying to make sure he has enough space to get out. He doesn't see me, and swings his door open, right into my passenger door....The biggest fucking dent you've ever seen. (We quickly and uncomfortably exchange info, while his little boy hangs around waiting) he goes into starbucks, I sit in the car debating on telling hubby what just happened...He leaves, I go in for some coffee. Visibly shaken, disgruntled, I get my coffee, and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwhich and leave, late to work now...On the way, I call his insurance company and file a claim, explaining that I was not at fault...Later I find out he's disputing the claim. I go to the garage his insurance wants me to go to, get a quote and photos taken. I leave with a $1700 dollar cloud hanging over my head...Not completely disheartened, cause I know that Apple is going to call! I know they want me!!
Fast forward to 8pm that night...(I didn't get the message until about 10 mintues ago) Apple calls, apologetic about calling so late, but informs me that the job has been placed on hold, due to the Director wanting a more "senior" person for the role, they really liked me and want to keep me in mind for another job, that they don't know when will come available...WTF?! But thanks for understanding...Take care, buh bye...
Friday night 10pm (prior to dreaded Apple voicemail) - hubby and I find out that we forgot his mom's birthday on July 1st. DOH....We look like assholes.
Saturday (12:00pm, prior to hearing the dreaded voicemail from Apple) I am sitting in our bedroom facing the sunlight after having fought with hubby over bullshit chores and things, and maybe because I am feeling a tad bit bitchy..I sit quietly doing my best at trying to tweeze my out-of-control barbarian eyebrows...I tweeze too much, cursing, I give up, sporting the vanilla ice eyebrow, I give up, and just end up drawing them in...So Iook retarded, but whatever...
12:39 pm, I browse the apple site, like a rejected lover, grasping at straws, I try to find the *perfect* job...Giving up, I write the HR people, a sticky sweet, "keep me in mind for future positions, blah blah blah" email...
12:55pm, I sit here at my computer, thinking really? Did all this just really happen all within a 24 hour time frame? Disheartened, and disillusioned.
I think I am going to try to make something...maybe food, maybe a child's gift...Whatever it is, I feel like a complete loser...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The uninvited visitor
I walked down the path to her apartment to pick up the little guy. Earlier as I drove to her house, I prayed. I prayed for the strength to just get through this and get on with my night. As I approached, I could hear her bubbly high-pitched laugh. The excitement in her voice, oozing over how happy she was about her pedicure she got the day before. Snorting to myself I made my presence known, by saying "hi."
She looked over at her friend and went, "ohh." Like "Oh, just fucking great." was more of what it sounded like. She tried to make me feel small, but the funny thing is I didn't. I thought, "Oh for crap's sake, just get on with it, and say your goodbye. Yahoo might be trying to get a hold of me any second now." I said "Happy Birthday" to her as I was walking away, and she gave me a very snide squinty-eyed, sort of "fuck you" thank you. She stayed very quiet as we walked away. I walked away with my head high, because it had been so long since I was immersed in that sort of environment, or even held hostage in a situation like that. I haven't been put in a corner like that in a long time, and this time I didn't give her any strength. I laughed because I saw the near empty glass of a light amber liquid, which only tells me that she's been drinking. Glassy eyed and pissed off, she was even too loaded to fake it with me. I gathered the little guy and breathed a sigh of relief and we left her place. Happy to be back in my car away from her low energy, the little guy asked me to just call him next time and he'd come out to the door.
It's just been so long since I've felt this way, that I felt like saying "Fuck you, bitch, I am not scared of you anymore." You can huff and haw all you like I can't be shaken.
It was almost a little liberating to see how much I've grown since the times of feeling scared and small and insignificant. Now, I know I am more important, and that if she ever tried to hurt me, she would be in a world of hurt. Not because of obvious repercussions, but because I am untouchable to her. She cannot hurt me anymore.
She looked over at her friend and went, "ohh." Like "Oh, just fucking great." was more of what it sounded like. She tried to make me feel small, but the funny thing is I didn't. I thought, "Oh for crap's sake, just get on with it, and say your goodbye. Yahoo might be trying to get a hold of me any second now." I said "Happy Birthday" to her as I was walking away, and she gave me a very snide squinty-eyed, sort of "fuck you" thank you. She stayed very quiet as we walked away. I walked away with my head high, because it had been so long since I was immersed in that sort of environment, or even held hostage in a situation like that. I haven't been put in a corner like that in a long time, and this time I didn't give her any strength. I laughed because I saw the near empty glass of a light amber liquid, which only tells me that she's been drinking. Glassy eyed and pissed off, she was even too loaded to fake it with me. I gathered the little guy and breathed a sigh of relief and we left her place. Happy to be back in my car away from her low energy, the little guy asked me to just call him next time and he'd come out to the door.
It's just been so long since I've felt this way, that I felt like saying "Fuck you, bitch, I am not scared of you anymore." You can huff and haw all you like I can't be shaken.
It was almost a little liberating to see how much I've grown since the times of feeling scared and small and insignificant. Now, I know I am more important, and that if she ever tried to hurt me, she would be in a world of hurt. Not because of obvious repercussions, but because I am untouchable to her. She cannot hurt me anymore.
How Could I Forget?
How could I forget, how much you really hate me....
or how much I really hate you too..
How could I forget, that I essentially have taken your place in the greater scheme of things.
How could I forget, how jealous you are of me...?
How could I forget, how pathetic your existence really is?
How could I forget, that you do still love him, and you hate to see me with him?
How could I forget, that you really do have a drinking problem, despite the lies you tell everyone?
How could I forget, the reason I spiraled off into a mess of insecurity when I met you?
How could I forget that this is how you really are deep down inside?
How could I forget, that I am your arch enemy, and that I will be an unaccepted outsider to you.
how could I forget, how much it stings to be hated, when I am ready to forgive and move on?
How could I forget, that you really are that much more spiteful, angry and hateful than I could ever be?
How could I forget, that you used to love my husband so much you promised to be with him always?
How could I forget, that you reach out to my loved ones when you're in need, and expect me to turn a blind eye to your actions?
How could I forget how above all this I am?
How could I forget how petty all this bullshit really is?
How could I forget to unwrap myself from my own life and realize that you struggle everyday, and probably every hour with yours?
How could I forget that I should forgive and forget, because you never will?
How could I forget to be a better person than the person that gets dragged down into your hole of darkness?
How could I have forgotten how to rise above all the drama and shit, and lead you by example?
How could I forget that you always put your own needs before anyone elses?
How could I forget that as a parent it's your blood right to be a part of a son's life that I wish was born to me?
How could I possibly forget any of these things?
or how much I really hate you too..
How could I forget, that I essentially have taken your place in the greater scheme of things.
How could I forget, how jealous you are of me...?
How could I forget, how pathetic your existence really is?
How could I forget, that you do still love him, and you hate to see me with him?
How could I forget, that you really do have a drinking problem, despite the lies you tell everyone?
How could I forget, the reason I spiraled off into a mess of insecurity when I met you?
How could I forget that this is how you really are deep down inside?
How could I forget, that I am your arch enemy, and that I will be an unaccepted outsider to you.
how could I forget, how much it stings to be hated, when I am ready to forgive and move on?
How could I forget, that you really are that much more spiteful, angry and hateful than I could ever be?
How could I forget, that you used to love my husband so much you promised to be with him always?
How could I forget, that you reach out to my loved ones when you're in need, and expect me to turn a blind eye to your actions?
How could I forget how above all this I am?
How could I forget how petty all this bullshit really is?
How could I forget to unwrap myself from my own life and realize that you struggle everyday, and probably every hour with yours?
How could I forget that I should forgive and forget, because you never will?
How could I forget to be a better person than the person that gets dragged down into your hole of darkness?
How could I have forgotten how to rise above all the drama and shit, and lead you by example?
How could I forget that you always put your own needs before anyone elses?
How could I forget that as a parent it's your blood right to be a part of a son's life that I wish was born to me?
How could I possibly forget any of these things?
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
100th post!! I was a RenFaire Nerd
Yes, I was. I am proud of it too. Seems like I've had quite a few stints in clubs where I try to fit in (Last year's Wildflower - which oddly had a similar ren-fairish feeling about it) and discover new parts of myself.
Today at lunch time, while devouring my salad, alone in my car, because everyone on earth was bugging me, I bit into a green olive that somehow transported me to August of 1995. Strangely enough, it was a very pivotal time in my life, where I had been out of high school for a year, I had just enrolled in junior college, and was trying to figure out what made my heart tick. I was getting to know myself outside the "High School" stigma. I learned how passionate I really was about the arts, and theater, and somehow managed to meet some very interesting people. My friend, and later boyfriend at the time, and I made our way to Novato, Ca for something like 9 consecutive weekends to go play and act and be complete nerds. We did go our own ways as I auditioned for the Guild of Santa Maria, where I was to play the role of a commissioned artist for the Medici family, and he, went to some peasant guild, wore dirty clothes and hung out with scantily clothed wenches at a make-shift well sort of area.
For weeks, my friend Shawnie (aka Isabella) and I slaved over my mom's old sewing machine, and managed to produce what felt like about 100 pounds worth of a beautiful brocade, and deep red dress. It came with a shift, undergarments that were completely period, ribbons, large puffy sleeves and a lacy sort of thing that I wore on my head. I fell in love with the costume, the dust of the faire, the funny people I met, and the not so funny and unsavory people I met as well.
Being as shy as I was, I had a much harder time interacting with patrons, and screaming about making a fool of myself in front of everyone and their mothers. But still it was so much fun. I met a slew of people that were dorks just like me. We hung out as a group for a few events, balls (aka Gaskals) and the Charles Dickens faire in SF during Christmas time, but after that we all just sort of grew up, got married, and drifted apart. From what I understand, they're all still pretty close, I was just a random person that floated in and out of their lives. It was fun, exciting, a little scary. It was an event that meant a lot to me. At the time I didn't realize the memories it would produce in later years. It's something I think of with fondness. Those memories somehow managed to find their way into my heart and onto this blog, marking yet one more pivotal moment for me, my 100th post!
(FYI, I am going to hunt down some photos if I can find them)
Today at lunch time, while devouring my salad, alone in my car, because everyone on earth was bugging me, I bit into a green olive that somehow transported me to August of 1995. Strangely enough, it was a very pivotal time in my life, where I had been out of high school for a year, I had just enrolled in junior college, and was trying to figure out what made my heart tick. I was getting to know myself outside the "High School" stigma. I learned how passionate I really was about the arts, and theater, and somehow managed to meet some very interesting people. My friend, and later boyfriend at the time, and I made our way to Novato, Ca for something like 9 consecutive weekends to go play and act and be complete nerds. We did go our own ways as I auditioned for the Guild of Santa Maria, where I was to play the role of a commissioned artist for the Medici family, and he, went to some peasant guild, wore dirty clothes and hung out with scantily clothed wenches at a make-shift well sort of area.
For weeks, my friend Shawnie (aka Isabella) and I slaved over my mom's old sewing machine, and managed to produce what felt like about 100 pounds worth of a beautiful brocade, and deep red dress. It came with a shift, undergarments that were completely period, ribbons, large puffy sleeves and a lacy sort of thing that I wore on my head. I fell in love with the costume, the dust of the faire, the funny people I met, and the not so funny and unsavory people I met as well.
Being as shy as I was, I had a much harder time interacting with patrons, and screaming about making a fool of myself in front of everyone and their mothers. But still it was so much fun. I met a slew of people that were dorks just like me. We hung out as a group for a few events, balls (aka Gaskals) and the Charles Dickens faire in SF during Christmas time, but after that we all just sort of grew up, got married, and drifted apart. From what I understand, they're all still pretty close, I was just a random person that floated in and out of their lives. It was fun, exciting, a little scary. It was an event that meant a lot to me. At the time I didn't realize the memories it would produce in later years. It's something I think of with fondness. Those memories somehow managed to find their way into my heart and onto this blog, marking yet one more pivotal moment for me, my 100th post!
(FYI, I am going to hunt down some photos if I can find them)
Friday, May 02, 2008
I still miss you...
I thought I was over it. I thought I was good. Okay, she's gone, I can get back to my life. But today hasn't quite panned out to be one of those days. Busy, yes. But in the busy chaotic storm that whirls around me, I find myself in the eye of it all. There's an eerie quietness that settles around me, and I find myself struggling once more to bring myself to look at your photo.
Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?
I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?
With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...
Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?
I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?
With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Letting Go
After talking to my mom, tonight I realized that life is too short to live sadly. She made some very eye-opening points. No one has a perfect life, and I should by no means try to live my life to anyone's standard. I have a great life, a loving husband, and a nice home. I don't know why I complain. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone has it so much better than I do. When in fact, I am probably better off than a lot of people. Not to ride my high horse or anything, but I really do need to step back a be more grateful. My mom reminded me of how much I laugh, and how important that is in life. She's right, stupid and funny little things really do make me laugh.
For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.
I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.
For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.
I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Off She Goes
You're gone, and I am really emotional about it. I shouldn't be, but every time you leave it's like this. I fight, I cry, I and I love. I miss you, boy do I miss you. You haven't been gone but an hour, but I know it will be a while until I see you again. It's funny, cause not many people actually know that I am talking about my sister. My sister. I miss using that term with frequency. There aren't many people, well no one actually, that knows me as intimately as you do. I don't have to say anything, and you just know. I miss that closeness when you're gone. Because I am not that way with anyone.
Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.
It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?
Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.
Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.
It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?
Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.
It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?
Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.
Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.
It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?
Friday, April 04, 2008
Stress-Eating Rears it's Ugly Head
Driving away from the sandwich shop after lunch, she makes a quick right into the parking lot of 7-11. Slowly making her way down the sweets aisle, she stops in front of the hostess stand. Toying over Twinkies and Ding Dong's she grabs the round plump coconut covered Snowballs. Practically running to the counter, she throws five dollars at the clerk, stuffs her change in her wallet and rips open the package of Snowballs. Sitting in her car she stuffs them into her mouth, ignoring the onlookers, and the strangely loud and thumping mini-van next to her. "Why, did I just do that? I just ate lunch, and what about my Zone Diet, wasn't I going to start that today!?" Forget about The Biggest Loser club at work, she really is a loser...
Sound familiar?
This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.
We can! We must.
Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....
That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."
For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.
I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.
So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.
Sound familiar?
This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.
We can! We must.
Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....
That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."
For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.
I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.
So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Joy
So, I've taken a small survey of what Joy means to people. Not just ordinary people, but the people I really care about. I have been wondering about this, because it can mean so many things to so many people..So I was wondering what the word "joy" means to other people. To me, it means, a momentary flutter of my heart. It's when I know that my soul, my mind, my heart, and my spirit are all connected. .
Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)
Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:
When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.
Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:
When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.
Joy by my definition means:
Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."
Ryan T:
"Elation"
Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)
Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!
So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."
Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"
It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?
Love you all.
SU
Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)
Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:
When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.
Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:
When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.
Joy by my definition means:
Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."
Ryan T:
"Elation"
Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)
Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!
So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."
Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"
It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?
Love you all.
SU
Monday, March 24, 2008
"There is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou
How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.
There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.
Maybe if I show you with pictures?
How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.
There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.
Maybe if I show you with pictures?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Home, Happy, Whole
Home home home. I am home. Today....was really hard. It's been a day that has been filled with adversity. Yesterday was similar, but today, the cracks in my shell are starting to show. The gooey inside is starting to spill out. Bubbling, and boiling to the edge of the pot, my innards tremble. There is no peace in my heart..Until now....
Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.
Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.
We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.
Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.
And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.
I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.
Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.
Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.
We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.
Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.
And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.
I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Hope
I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Simon
I am so sad today. I found out that a good friend of mine died yesterday. His name was Simon. He was only 40. He fought and beat lung cancer. That's the part that's so hard to believe, it was in remission! It was pneumonia that killed him. He got sick, and his health was so fragile that his body just couldn't fight back. It's my understanding that this is far to common with patients that have undergone Chemo...
The world has lost such an amazing person. He was a wonderful engineer, a sweet friend, and such a good soul. He really was uppity, and never let things get him down. In fact, in not wanting to worry anyone around him, no one knew he actually HAD lung cancer until he was in the very late stages of it.
My heart hurts for his family. His older brother from Canada came to get him. I can't believe I will never see or talk to Simon again. It was just yesterday that Hubby, and I were with him at Orignial Joes. He and I went back to our house and he fell asleep on my couch, while I went to bed. I trusted him so much. I can almost hear his laughter, and his funny French accent. He was my hubby's good friend. And I worry about how hubby is handling this. He doesn't share much of how he's feeling with me, but I know he's hurting.
May God bless Simon. The world has lost an amazing individual.
He will be greatly missed.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Short Story # 1 - title pending
She took a deep breath and headed down the pathway directly in front of her. The bright sunshine beaming rays of light against her back. A warm gentle breeze swept her hair across her face. Pulling strands away from her face, she readjusted her shoulder bag and tossed her belongings onto a sprawling green lawn. Nearby tall trees and freshly manicured fields lining a carefully paved path, sprawled out before her.
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.
Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.
-To be continued..
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.
Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.
-To be continued..
Gratitude Friday
This week, has been interesting. I am learning more and more about myself and my needs with each passing week. However, I wanted to make noticeable mention to the following things that caught my attention this week. I am grateful for:
♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again
Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.
Have a great weekend!
♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again
Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, February 01, 2008
Gratitude Friday
I have decided to hork this new tradition from this blog I *LOVE* to visit: http://artsycraftybabe.typepad.com/
Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.
This week I am grateful for:
♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!
Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.
Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.
This week I am grateful for:
♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!
Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Life
So, I don't have a lot to write about, I just feel that maybe I should update my "blog" on the intricate ongoings of my life. :) Not so intricate these days....
As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...
Here's what's been going on lately"
- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?
Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.
As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...
Here's what's been going on lately"
- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?
Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Wildflower 2008
So in all my mindless body image affliction, I decided that I was going to do wildflower again... Call me crazy but I think there is a strange allure in doing a triathlon. It was exhilarating the first time, but to actually consider myself a triathlete! What a high :) This year I think I am going for the long course, which consists of a 1.5 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13 mile run. Let's not probe the how or why right now. Let me just bask in the intention.
After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!
Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.
So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip.. oh well. At least I can start now. I will do just that...just as soon as my show is over!!!
After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!
Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.
So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip..
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