The Eye of the Storm

I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...

This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.

For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.

I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.

I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..

The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...

Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.

This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...

UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.