100th post!! I was a RenFaire Nerd

Yes, I was. I am proud of it too. Seems like I've had quite a few stints in clubs where I try to fit in (Last year's Wildflower - which oddly had a similar ren-fairish feeling about it) and discover new parts of myself.

Today at lunch time, while devouring my salad, alone in my car, because everyone on earth was bugging me, I bit into a green olive that somehow transported me to August of 1995. Strangely enough, it was a very pivotal time in my life, where I had been out of high school for a year, I had just enrolled in junior college, and was trying to figure out what made my heart tick. I was getting to know myself outside the "High School" stigma. I learned how passionate I really was about the arts, and theater, and somehow managed to meet some very interesting people. My friend, and later boyfriend at the time, and I made our way to Novato, Ca for something like 9 consecutive weekends to go play and act and be complete nerds. We did go our own ways as I auditioned for the Guild of Santa Maria, where I was to play the role of a commissioned artist for the Medici family, and he, went to some peasant guild, wore dirty clothes and hung out with scantily clothed wenches at a make-shift well sort of area.

For weeks, my friend Shawnie (aka Isabella) and I slaved over my mom's old sewing machine, and managed to produce what felt like about 100 pounds worth of a beautiful brocade, and deep red dress. It came with a shift, undergarments that were completely period, ribbons, large puffy sleeves and a lacy sort of thing that I wore on my head. I fell in love with the costume, the dust of the faire, the funny people I met, and the not so funny and unsavory people I met as well.

Being as shy as I was, I had a much harder time interacting with patrons, and screaming about making a fool of myself in front of everyone and their mothers. But still it was so much fun. I met a slew of people that were dorks just like me. We hung out as a group for a few events, balls (aka Gaskals) and the Charles Dickens faire in SF during Christmas time, but after that we all just sort of grew up, got married, and drifted apart. From what I understand, they're all still pretty close, I was just a random person that floated in and out of their lives. It was fun, exciting, a little scary. It was an event that meant a lot to me. At the time I didn't realize the memories it would produce in later years. It's something I think of with fondness. Those memories somehow managed to find their way into my heart and onto this blog, marking yet one more pivotal moment for me, my 100th post!

(FYI, I am going to hunt down some photos if I can find them)

I still miss you...

I thought I was over it. I thought I was good. Okay, she's gone, I can get back to my life. But today hasn't quite panned out to be one of those days. Busy, yes. But in the busy chaotic storm that whirls around me, I find myself in the eye of it all. There's an eerie quietness that settles around me, and I find myself struggling once more to bring myself to look at your photo.

Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?

I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?

With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...

Letting Go

After talking to my mom, tonight I realized that life is too short to live sadly. She made some very eye-opening points. No one has a perfect life, and I should by no means try to live my life to anyone's standard. I have a great life, a loving husband, and a nice home. I don't know why I complain. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone has it so much better than I do. When in fact, I am probably better off than a lot of people. Not to ride my high horse or anything, but I really do need to step back a be more grateful. My mom reminded me of how much I laugh, and how important that is in life. She's right, stupid and funny little things really do make me laugh.

For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.

I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.

Off She Goes

You're gone, and I am really emotional about it. I shouldn't be, but every time you leave it's like this. I fight, I cry, I and I love. I miss you, boy do I miss you. You haven't been gone but an hour, but I know it will be a while until I see you again. It's funny, cause not many people actually know that I am talking about my sister. My sister. I miss using that term with frequency. There aren't many people, well no one actually, that knows me as intimately as you do. I don't have to say anything, and you just know. I miss that closeness when you're gone. Because I am not that way with anyone.

Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.

It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?

Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.

Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.

It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?

Stress-Eating Rears it's Ugly Head

Driving away from the sandwich shop after lunch, she makes a quick right into the parking lot of 7-11. Slowly making her way down the sweets aisle, she stops in front of the hostess stand. Toying over Twinkies and Ding Dong's she grabs the round plump coconut covered Snowballs. Practically running to the counter, she throws five dollars at the clerk, stuffs her change in her wallet and rips open the package of Snowballs. Sitting in her car she stuffs them into her mouth, ignoring the onlookers, and the strangely loud and thumping mini-van next to her. "Why, did I just do that? I just ate lunch, and what about my Zone Diet, wasn't I going to start that today!?" Forget about The Biggest Loser club at work, she really is a loser...

Sound familiar?

This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.

We can! We must.

Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....

That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."

For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.

I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.

So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.

Joy

So, I've taken a small survey of what Joy means to people. Not just ordinary people, but the people I really care about. I have been wondering about this, because it can mean so many things to so many people..So I was wondering what the word "joy" means to other people. To me, it means, a momentary flutter of my heart. It's when I know that my soul, my mind, my heart, and my spirit are all connected. .

Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)

Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:

When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.

Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:

When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.

Joy by my definition means:

Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."

Ryan T:
"Elation"

Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)

Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!

So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."


Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"

It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?

Love you all.
SU

"There is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou

How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.

There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.

Maybe if I show you with pictures?

Home, Happy, Whole

Home home home. I am home. Today....was really hard. It's been a day that has been filled with adversity. Yesterday was similar, but today, the cracks in my shell are starting to show. The gooey inside is starting to spill out. Bubbling, and boiling to the edge of the pot, my innards tremble. There is no peace in my heart..Until now....

Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.

Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.

We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.

Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.

And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.

I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.

Hope

I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.

Simon

I am so sad today. I found out that a good friend of mine died yesterday. His name was Simon. He was only 40. He fought and beat lung cancer. That's the part that's so hard to believe, it was in remission! It was pneumonia that killed him. He got sick, and his health was so fragile that his body just couldn't fight back. It's my understanding that this is far to common with patients that have undergone Chemo...

The world has lost such an amazing person. He was a wonderful engineer, a sweet friend, and such a good soul. He really was uppity, and never let things get him down. In fact, in not wanting to worry anyone around him, no one knew he actually HAD lung cancer until he was in the very late stages of it.

My heart hurts for his family. His older brother from Canada came to get him. I can't believe I will never see or talk to Simon again. It was just yesterday that Hubby, and I were with him at Orignial Joes. He and I went back to our house and he fell asleep on my couch, while I went to bed. I trusted him so much. I can almost hear his laughter, and his funny French accent. He was my hubby's good friend. And I worry about how hubby is handling this. He doesn't share much of how he's feeling with me, but I know he's hurting.

May God bless Simon. The world has lost an amazing individual.
He will be greatly missed.

Short Story # 1 - title pending

She took a deep breath and headed down the pathway directly in front of her. The bright sunshine beaming rays of light against her back. A warm gentle breeze swept her hair across her face. Pulling strands away from her face, she readjusted her shoulder bag and tossed her belongings onto a sprawling green lawn. Nearby tall trees and freshly manicured fields lining a carefully paved path, sprawled out before her.
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.

Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.

-To be continued..

Gratitude Friday

This week, has been interesting. I am learning more and more about myself and my needs with each passing week. However, I wanted to make noticeable mention to the following things that caught my attention this week. I am grateful for:

♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again

Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.

Have a great weekend!

Gratitude Friday

I have decided to hork this new tradition from this blog I *LOVE* to visit: http://artsycraftybabe.typepad.com/

Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.

This week I am grateful for:

♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!

Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.

Life

So, I don't have a lot to write about, I just feel that maybe I should update my "blog" on the intricate ongoings of my life. :) Not so intricate these days....

As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...

Here's what's been going on lately"

- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?

Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.

Wildflower 2008

So in all my mindless body image affliction, I decided that I was going to do wildflower again... Call me crazy but I think there is a strange allure in doing a triathlon. It was exhilarating the first time, but to actually consider myself a triathlete! What a high :) This year I think I am going for the long course, which consists of a 1.5 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13 mile run. Let's not probe the how or why right now. Let me just bask in the intention.

After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!

Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.

So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip.. oh well. At least I can start now. I will do just that...just as soon as my show is over!!!

My Moon Catching Net

Yes, I want more. Who doesn't? I believe in me. I believe in a greater God. I believe that all things are possible. With the right attitude and a lot of faith. What comes into your life sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, is not of your control. You can control your little solar system within you, but your external environment. No way. That is not coming from you. Yes. You heard me correctly. God does that. That's his deal. What you chose to do with it is up to you. Now, this morning I had a revelation. I decided that I want more. I want the moon, if I could reach it, I'd take it. Just like Shel Silverstein said, he's makin' a moon catchin' net tonight. But it's not just the moon I am going after, it will be the stars, little planets, and all of the above.

All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.

I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.

I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."

So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.

It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.

Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.

The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.

Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.

New Home

OMG, we bought a house last night!!!!

An Ode to The Past

I see you on the screen
giggling and laughing at things that I see.

I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.

I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.

I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.

Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.

I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.

I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.

I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.

La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta

(translation: Life isn't all bad..or ugly) at least for now. I find myself in a not-so-dismal place right now. I am happy. The house purchase is moving along, although I could strangle my MIA (second) broker right now...(deep breaths - resuming yoga-like calmness)

I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.

Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...

I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...

Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..

Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.

The Eye of the Storm

I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...

This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.

For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.

I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.

I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..

The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...

Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.

This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...

UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.