Emotional Hangover

After reading all that I aired out last night, I feel lousy. Lousy that I let something so, I don't know, not small, but something not that big, penetrate me like that. How could I get so rattled just from a stupid conversation about a church? How could he? I know there is so much more to that than what lies on the surface. There is the hump of getting over an ex-wife in my opinion. Who knows, I may never "get over it." Perhaps I will struggle with this throughout our entire relationship, and perhaps I may not. Regardless I still need help in not letting things bother me so much. This morning he woke up all chipper, and here I was, still obviously hung up on the issues that dominated the night before. I couldn't shake it, and a part of me still can't. I don't want to just sweep things under the rug, and assume that life is fine and dandy. This is something that needs resolution. It needs airing out, it need erradicating. Yes, I like that word. ERRADICATE. I will erradicate her from my thoughts. I will not allow myself to be sucked into the abyss that is the damaging insecurity complex of him having had a wife before me. I think about it and even now, I want to cry. I have always wanted to be someone's first. First everything, wife, mother, lover. I was all those things to an ex, and I threw it away like yesterday's garbage. I wasn't ready at the time that he was, I didn't love him anymore. I don't know if I ever loved him in the way that he loved me. I wasn't ever moved by him sexually, I didn't get excited by him, I didn't feel the quake of love. Not the way that I feel for this honey. This has been one of the most up and down relationships I have ever had. Sometime it rattles my core. And what is more strange, is that whatever is going on with us, will ultimately have an impact on the tot. Even if no exchange of words are shared, there is just a feeling in the air, and the tot picks up on it. It is very true, children are so entirely suseptible to their environments. They are so moldable. I should be more careful about what I allow to upset me and what the tot sees between his father and I. I have never intended for the tot to witness arguements or lose respect for either of us. In a way, I have let myself down in that department. I know I should have set a better example, I should have shown him that I love his father, not how much he enrages me sometimes. Yes, I guess I should take this as my next goal, to not allow things to bother me so much. To show the tot that it is possible for two adults to have a mutually respectable and loving relationship without arguing all the time, or showing lousy control of emotions.
The tot isn't my son, but I love him so much. Even when he has enraged me, he always comes back to me with a kiss and hug everready for me. This makes me want to cry and kick myself for behaving so foolishly. The tot was asleep last night, but I think he can sense things, even in his sleep. And sometimes, he's really quite and pretends to be asleep, and he listens... And sometimes I just listen, to the sound of this life going on around me, our lives being intertwined, our lives changing and twisting around like a baby that doesn’t want to be changed, our lives as a family of three.