The Roundest of Them All

In a moment of premenstrual weekness today, I stuffed my face with McDonald. Yes, I can't believe it, me, Ms. Step Aerobics herself. I ate a big 'n tasty, small fries, and a diet coke, like the diet coke would save me from falling off the edge of my daily allowance of calories and fat.
I haven't written in a while. I noticed that everything was starting to suffer, not because of the blogging per say, but because I felt that I was indulging in too much self disgust and anger. Things have changed quite a bit, I've been more productive at work and still not happy with it, but I am trying to promote myself within the company I am not having a lot of luck with it thus far, but at least they know now that I am not going to be in this line of work forever.
Things with the boy have been inching along, there have been a few rough patches, but nothing that isn't manageable. I've noticed though that I am in this increasing hurry to get married and settle down. Perhaps my biological clock is tick-tocking a little too loud, but I just have so many plans. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately too. Sometimes I run my hand over my tummy and wonder what it will be like when I finally decide to house a little one in there. What will he/she look like? What sort of mom will I be? What sort of dad will the honey be? What sort of family could we have? Will I be happy or resentful? I think back to words that a friend of mine said a while ago, she said, after having her daughter, she wondered why she waited so long for this? It was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I am not as career driven as I used to be. I guess I get discouraged from not being able to climb this corporate ladder. I can't seem to get to the next rung. So, maybe I am thinking about babies by default...Not sure. I've seen my cousin and her daughter a lot lately, and when I see that happy shiney little face I just want to kiss her all over. I've held her sweet little face in my hands and my heart melts, it's scary how special she is to me, and she isn't even mine. But I am so close to my cousin, that we're almost like sisters, so naturally anything of hers, I feel like it's mine as well. I love that little baby, I can see why my cousin wants to change her life and be the best that she can be. Maybe that's it, I am in a slump. I am not really seeing a need to be the best that I can be, why? For what reason? To prove it to the world that I can? I know that I can, I know that I can be at least ten pound lighter too. I've just gotten lazy and a little complacent over the pas year. My burning drive to please and to look amazing is sort of fading...
I'm feeling lethargic, tired, sore (did a crazy kick-boxing class last night) and down on myself for not being more restrictive with my pre-menstrual cravings. Again, they have gotten the better of me. I can almost feel the downward spiral suck me in. I know it's all psychological, I can choose to not let this get to me.
Yes, I have the power of choice. I have the power and ability to pull myself out of all this bullshit. I know I can. I believe in myself, I know that I am a strong woman, stubborn as hell and proud of it.
I wanted to go do something spontaneous this weekend and the honey got all irritated with me because he had his heart set on golf.... but what can I do? Maybe I will go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get a tree, but he didn't want to do that without the tot. I just wanted to do it without any arguing. There has been a lot of that going around lately. I don't know if it's because the tot is getting to a argumentative age or if he really just doesn't like me being around. I just try to stay out of it, but it wears on you after a while, when closing the door and trying to be alone just doesn't cut it. It's so funny because as a child, I was so happy and peaceful, always smiling and laughing. And look at me know, a heap of emotional matter, rounding out to be a longing mother with very few friends that even want to socialize with me anymore. I sometimes wish for that excitement, that spark which new relationships bring, that giddiness, but I know that it always fades. I don't want a new relationship, I just want this one to go forward and perservere. I thought about that today, why am I always comparing him to others? Why do I compare myself to the ex-monster? Why do I always feel like whatever I do, it's never enough? Has this just come full circle? Is the timer on the stove ringing because it will overcook if I don't pull it out of the oven? Or is it ringing because preheating has finished and I can finally plop my goods in to cook?
I can't stand this time of the month, I usually can't sleep, I cry a lot and I always have to re-think the direction of my life. When is it going to just stay in one place? When will my hormones allow me to have an emotionally normal and cry-fee/non-life altering moment of just plain happiness? I would settle for bliss, but somehow I think thats asking for too much.
I need to run, too much stuff to do before the end of the business day and I am already behind....Back to the daily grind.