Confessions of a Step-Monster

(written 8/16/04)


Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….