Friday Afternoon Blues (written 9/24/04)

Friday Afternoon Blues

This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…