Bitter Sweet

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore


29 days until I get hitched...