When it all started

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...