Buon San Valentino Nonna

The death process has begun. I don't know why I am blogging about this right now. I guess my tears have fallen so numerously that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She is giving up hope on life. They're not sustaining her life, no water, no feeding tubes, now she just lays with her eyes closed, occasionally tugging at her clothes waving one arm around. Not that actively but actively enough for me to know that she is a fighter. She is not letting go that easily. It has been 3 days since her stroke.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.