Strength Through Adversity

I am not quite sure if that is the appropriate headline. but it is what I most deeply desire right now. The weekend progressed slowly and thick like molasses on Friday afternoon, until I got the unusually calm phone call from my mother. Let me set this up for you...I was driving away from work, cheerful, yet a little sad since my very good friend had completed his last day of his semi-two week notice. I thought how much excitement lay before him and felt a genuine happiness in my heart for him because I knew that he would be happy elsewhere. The sad part was me being selfish because I would be stuck in this firey hell pit alone...As I bounded home down the freeway I called my mother, as I usually do at the end of the day to see how she's doing. Turns out that my grandmother (Nonna) has been hospitalized unbeknownst to me. She was having chest pains, and kept getting dizzy. I understood. She's 93 and a little spitfire of a woman, I thought, heck, she'll be fine, she's a fighter...Saturday came, the tot had a great bball game and things when relatively smoothly with the ex-monster. No major disruption. So the fam and I headed over to my folks' place to help with yard work and remodeling. But being the stubborn fitness queen that I am, insisted on a five mile run beforehand. I ran, the tot and the honey bumbled around behind me. about an hour behind me. I finished my run, completed some required wedding phonecalls and waited for them. After this we headed over to my folk's as I'd mentioned, did about 5 hours worth of very tiring manual labor then bounded for the hospital.
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?