The Fire Blazes On

I am still waiting..waiting...waiting..hoping that they'll call and kick themselves for not hiring me sooner. Work has proven to be challenging, yet again.

One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...

The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....

The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.

I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.

"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."

-Ani Di Franco