Rare Form

I think it's the premenstrual curse or something plaguing me today. I swear the strangest things are so amusing to me right now. I have fought, cried, laughed, felt every range of emotion on the spectrum. Other than the fact that I am ready to bite my week-long nail growth to the bone with nervous anticipation, and that my head feels like it's going to explode, I can't wait to hear back from the people who interviewed me.

Its very nice out today. It's not all muggy and cloudy, at least up here in Foster City, it's rather pleasant. I finished my book last night "Running with Scissors." I am strangely annoyed with it. The ending wasn't the sort of monumental, "OMFG-I-loved-that -book-I-can't-wait-to-reread-it" sort of ending. It sort of trailed off like an unsuspecting fart. That's how it made me feel most of the time, plus or minus a few giggles, it made me feel gassy and so grossed out on some occassions. I sure hope the movie is better. I need a new read...Might check out Finny's suggestions.

Today I really miss working out. Probably cause I watched "The Biggest Loser" 2 hour special last night. I don't know what it is about that show that I love, the cattiness, the large people, the struggle? Don't know. I just know that I get really motivated the next day. Shit, whatever it takes at this point. I'll take the motivation in whatever form. The ex wife used to do it for me, nowadays I just feel sorry for her. But whoa, Kim Lyons, holy cow, she has a kickin' body. I WISH my mid-section looked that good!

Okay I need to run, I have to obsessively check my email, and maybe get a little work done if I can find the time, in my hectic schedule.

Sustaining Joy

Last night, round 3 went so smoothly, I could hardly believe it myself. It didn't feel so much like a job interview than actually chatting with friends. I can tell the dynamics between myself and the rest of the "team" is quite good. I think I really do prefer a smaller company.

I just can't wait to give my notice. I can't wait to see the expression on noodlehead's face. I am sure she will be relieved to be rid of me, as I will be happy too. I just hope the offer, if at all, is good, bountiful and comes quickily. I hate to digress and try to anyalyze exactly where things went wrong here, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder...

Onto other topics...Family isn't doing well. Extended that is. I am worried a few may not make it through the holidays. This makes me so sad..Life moves so quickily, sometimes I really can't remember what day of the week it is, because they're all running into one. I typically look forward to the holidays, shopping, decorating, picking out a tree, although the last few years have been strangely difficult and argument laden. Is this what happens when you get old and set in your ways? Am I really that stubborn and unbending? When it comes to picking out a tree, I am the voice of perfection.

Honey stumbled onto my crocheting needle the other day. He found it in his shoe! Which is no wonder, considering how crammed and tiny our itty bitty closet is. Poor fella, I totally overwhelm the closet with all my crap, and purses and things. I mean I love being a woman, but man, I normally have a little more control over the area in which my shoes span. Right now they're all over the place. I keep fantasizing about big spacious closets with hidden drawers. One entirely for myself!

In the meantime, I shall crochet. How do you not get hand cramps? Whenever I set out to begin crocheting my fifty-foot long scarves I get so cramped up in the hands. I can switch but it's like parting your hair on the other side, it just feels weird...

I am finishing up my most recent book "Running with Scissors." Great, twisted, a little introspective, but far too much gay sex invloving minors for my tates..At one point I almost put it down out of disgust. But I really want to see the movie, and feel that I NEEDED to read the book first to get a full perspective of what the movie "could be."

It's been so long since I've written down my thoughts. I feel strange about it. Loosley liberated and very excited for things to come..

10 minutes and a bucketload of dirt

Wow. It's been so long, I forgot my username..Basically I never blog anymore because I am on the brink of "being let go of" HA! Thing is, I pretty much have another company in the bag after tonight. Cross your fingers for me. I think they will make an offer tonight after my 3RD INTERVIEW!

Watch they don't want me after tonight and I am stuck jobless. Now that would be funny. Thing is, I am OK to openly admit how much I really hate it here. No, let me rephrase that I HATED my boss. Now...well I just feel really sorry for the noodlehead. If you sense a twinge of racism, yes, I openly admit it. She's a Vietnamese barbie doll with bad teeth. She's acutally quite beautiful on the outside, and horrendously ugly on the inside...She's tried to wrangle my spirit into the ground, but AH! I prevail.I am still here kicking and screaming...But strangely enough, the urge to push her out her fourth story window is miraculously gone...I amaze myself sometimes.

Ah the drama of it all. I adore my stupidly dramatic sense of humor. I will not post about this new place. Let's just say I am very hopeful but do not want to jinx it. I've got so much on my mind and only three minutes left until I am outaheeya.

I'm out.

Word to ya mutha.

When it all started

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...

Things that I want

It's Friday, go crazy...

1. A house, (4000 sf will do) with really nice (walnut) hardwood floors
2. a large kitchen with granite countertops, and an island. (where my Mom can teach me how to make her perfectly crisp veal cutlets -- yes I am a carnivore.)
3. at least 5 bedrooms to accomodate our growing family (no I am not preggers)
3. a very deep, lovely tub in our master bath
3B. a nice "getaway" reading room attached to our very large master bedroom

4. a pool / hot tub in our 1 acre backyard
5. a lovely garden (within our 1 acre backyard), so I can learn how to grow melons and tomatoes from Finny ;)and plant trees with my Dad.
5B. A doggy park area within our backyard for Buster.
6. a very successful design firm, owned, managed and run by moi, from home, (to be more specific, from my ultra cool mini design-firm/ business office, that I have personally decorated, and detached from my 4000 square foot house)...
7. a baby...I think....(more baby-room design ideas to come later, I've hatched several)
8. time to stay home with my husband and step-son
9. the ability to cook a flawless dinner for my fantastic friends
10. a halloween party for the little guy, equipt with a pseudo haunted house, and scary cupcake treats...I've been obsessing over the cooking magazine racks in line at the grocery store these days...
11. a massage, manicure, pedicure
12. the chance to catch up on my laudry without having to actually wash it and fold it myself
13. the loss of about 15 pounds...
14. 3x's / week meeting with my personal trainer...
15. to win last night's super lotto
16. to live much much closer to my sister, brother-in-law and family
17. to have one last conversation with Nonna.
18. to make sure my folks are taken care of (financially)
19. to love what I do for work...
20. to have time in the morning to make my family a great breakfast, take the little guy to school, and to work out regularly...


okay, there are many more "wants" I am sure, but I want to be careful how I construct them, because I do believe that what you put out into the universe really does come back to you...

so, let's just say, I am going to sit patiently and wait for these good things to happen, because I belive they really will. In the meantime, I just keep reminding myself, that as each hour passes, I am getting closer to what I am going to get in the future. Call me naieve, but I think these things are going to come to pass, sooner rather than later.

The Diamond in the Rough

I forgot to mention the one diamond in the rough today..My husband...

Me: "I was just calling to say hello, and see how you were doing.."
Him: "Hello, I am doing okay, how 'bout you?"
Me: "Eh, just frustrated, bad communication around here"
Me:"so whats on your agenda tonight?"
Him:"I am going to go home after this, and spend some quality time...with my wife"
Me:"hmm. okay, gotta go, I'll see you later."

Not that this was much, but it made me feel good...I still forget sometimes, slip and use my maiden name, sometimes call him my fiance...But damn...

I am somone's wife...

tee-hee..

Ok Damnit

I have decided to start blogging more. I am going to blog until my poor little fingers are sore. I am going to blog all the frustration and desire to stuff my face with unhealthy food....

Yes, Famous Amos, those are the last of you. I just polished off a bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with chicken strips a little earlier. I know why though, my lunch was too salad heavy and didn't have enough protein, so I got the munchies....What was strange was that I felt the worst stomach pains after lunch, and well, had to run to the loo...I don't know what it could've been, maybe my salad??

So, I am determined to get better at this. I have been keeping in too many feelings...I hate bottling shit up and then just letting go, usually at my own expense..

Last night, I took the pooch running at about 9:30. It felt so good to run and feel free. He and I do really well together in the evnings. Mind you ocassionally I get tripped up and he gets knotted around a bumper. lol, I have a hard time seeing at night I guess. Today, I have to do something active as well.

How do you find motivation when you're at work early, and leave late? Lunch is out of the question because there is too little time to do anything...

I guess I am pretty agro with my boss too. She is very unorganized and makes these ridiculous requests. Now I am getting better at managing my anger, and not eating so much. I guess today I ate because I was actually hungry. I just made the wrong choices..
I am little frazzled about $$ too. I actually forgot to pay rent this month..I am still playing catch-up after the wedding expense crunch, and I just got the little paycheck I was expecting...Since my retarded-ass boss, decided at the last minute to not give me the time off I needed for the wedding...So what was I to do? I took unpaid time off, which hurt this month. But we're recovering...It just makes me think, usually my mind goes off during my am commute...

This morning, I realized that I should be looking for two new jobs instead of one. One to pay for household bills, and the other to pay for everything else...

I heard about this suspension bridge in China where it was a popluar place to jump. One man, (in an NPR interview) wanted to jump because he had no money left and didn't know what to do. He worked and worked, but just didn't make enough...Not that I want to die or anything, but I can understand the grief and stress he must be feeling...I understand not having enough, hating where you have to be every morning, and then hating yourself for letting things get so bad..

Ha! And I wonder why I am getting fatter....

When I was skinny

I was sucha lil snot
I didn't have to hold my breath in
and my t-shirts I could knot.

I was a lot nicer to everyone around me,
I didn't eat garbage like, starchy food and candy
I had a way of holding up my head
now I just sigh heavily and pull the sheets o'r my head.

It sometimes makes me sad
to think of the body
and the tush that I had.
I was strong and lean
a cardio machine
back in the days of yore...

Now that I feel fat
and feel grossness of my
body starting to sag.
I am overcome with grief
and stricken underneath
when I look at body
that once wasn't so bad.

"It's STRESS!" I declare
as my wardrobe taunts me
with sheek tiny slacks
that I no longer wear.

"But, it's only ten pounds!" You state in anguish
doesn't matter at this point,
as I am crabby and famished,
from all the stupid diets
I fail at, and later seeth in my quiet
despair and self-loathing....

I run, and I lift, with Speedie's and with Biff's
and don't make a dent
with my one-day a week, schedule, Oh yes, I'm bent.

"It's the job!" I transpire,
as I tread home to retire.
I sit my ass down, and momentarily conspire,
to somehow pull myself out of this mire..

This is Why They Call Me Fury

Disclaimer: Contents contain foul language and vlugar conduct depcited...


Don't say "No" because I know this has happened to all of us...But last week, it annoyed the shit out of me..I was going to lunch with a co-worker. (good friend of mine) and we were waiting for a parking spot. Of course this stupid shithead of a woman peels right into our spot and has the audacity to chew us out!!!!

My good friend, happens to be Mexican, and this made my blood boil...I had to stop myself from beating the crap of out this woman..

Friend: "well, that was polite"
Bitch: "I'm sorry, I don't speak your language"
Me: "How about shitty parking, do you speak that language"
Bitch: "fuck you bitch"
Me: (flipping her off as I stroll into Chiptole's) "Fuck you, you stupid cunt"
Friend: (snatches my badge off of my pants and is trying to calm me down)
Me: "You stupid bitch"
Me: "Just wait until I tell all of the people that work here, what a racist pig you are, you dumb bitch"

Friend: "Oh my, (she's so cute) my blood is boiling"
Me: "Yeah, let her fuck with me, I will fucking tear her head off, I don't speak your language, who does she think she is?"

The sad part was that this woman looked old, wrinkled, with dyed black hair, kinda like Cher. She was escorting her old parents or something into Starbucks. I felt so bad for these old people, that they had to be in the company of such a stupid bitch.....

Okay, so I am still pissed about it, only because she wronged us, managed to blurt out a racial slur, and then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch... I take this all personally, not only because my friend is Mexican, but because my parents were immigrants. I take this very personally, and can not stand people like her......Ohhh, if only I wasn't on the clock I would've really done some damage.....I considered throwing black beans all over her windsheild, but I was having tacos...

Baby's Baby's Everywhere

I think God is trying to give me a sign, or signal me down with HUGE flags at best. I have just received the third email of online photos of brand new babies within one week...

Two of which were born within two days of each other...I am still coming to terms that I may not be able to tear myself away from my gorgeous newphew Barnaby...Ohhhh he's precious to say the least. I can't get enough of him. I don't know what it is about babies that is scrumptuous. Is it their "new-ness" is it their total purity? Their smell of sweet milk? Or the fact that they rely so completely on you for everything?

I don't know what it is...I have given myself a year to get back on track after the craziness of the wedding. I have a semi-thought out list of what I think the honey and I should do prior to even "thinking" about little ones. But I don't want us to be too old before we conceive..Not to be in too much of a rush, but we're not exactly spring chicks either...

Just saw my best friend's baby last night, at the hospital. Austin Gene Tamm, he was three days old, and slept in my arms for the better part of my visit (about two hours) he was squeamish and made all sorts of cute baby faces and noises...Nothing prepard me for the cuteness factor. I am so proud of her, she has been an amazing sport throughout all this...I am just sad that she has to go back to work in about two months...

Oh well, speaking of work, it beckons, I cringe..not because I don't want to do it, but because I am neck deep in maddness here until we leave for lovely Playa Del Carmen....Ahh, fish tacos, margaritas....the sound of the surf...I can feel the sand between my toes already...

Why Oh why....

Okay,
I don't know why I do this, but I do it with such vigor and then I proceed to feel like crap afterwards...That is eat shit that is very obviously fattening and not helping my weightloss-mindedness... I think it's turning into a mind freakiness sort of thing now... There could be a number of reasons why I am stuffing my face today, here's to name a few

1. I have missed a poorly thought out deadline at work and am now scrambling to get all the pieces together
2. My family is slowly starting to head back to the UK and my Mom has been cooking all of my FAVORITE italian dishes
3. I am nervous about tonight (the ex-monster has organized the tot's birthday party, and she always makes my skin crawl) At least right now she does. I haven't had any interaction with her since we've been married but it's plain to see that we're avoiding each other. Right now, I am missing the "pizza party" which I can certainly do without, but would make the Tot happy if I attended....
4. My best friend just had a baby and I haven't been able to talk to her...I feel like the hubby is getting annoyed with me...Oh the aggrivation...

Okay, that's it. I think I've pinned down that single derailing feeling...I think it's the ex-monster. She always makes me feel a little strange, but I guess the power that she has is all that I am allowing her to have over me..I know this, why don't I act on it? I have never sat in a movie theater with her and the honey at the same time, and I am not really looking forward to it tonight. I know I will be inspected, scrutinized and evaluated. I hate that...And somehow I eat..Call it nerves..I can't wait for tomorrow, when I can roll out of bed at any hour I please and have two whole days to not worry about deadlines, birthday partites, weddings, or anything else but the honey and me...

Mmmmm. It's good to be Bad >:)

For some reason, the guilt isn't really making a dent today...Considering the very sad state of my finance to date, I decided to endulge. Okay, so I couldn't quite spend more than $5 on lunch today, and man was it a tasty $5.08....So good it almost hurts....



Okay, tummy is starting to hurt...Ok, ok, I've been working out...sorta, I know I am pissing away my workouts...but I just can't fathom eating cheap-ass salads. I am all or nothing, gimme the good stuff, or just give me trash. Of course I would be totally conent having redvines for lunch too..Oh well, yipee payday is tomorrow!!!

Blissfully Married

As I type away here at my keyboard, with one eye, (why do people say that? You can't really just use one eye huh?) on the clock trying to time this just right...(4:30 meeting) I've got just a little over 30 minutes to post about my blissful wedding to my fabulous husband. The "honey" is now mine all mine (muwhaahaaa) No really, it was such a glorious day, that I wished it could've lasted longer, like at least two or three more days..
From the moment I entered the room and fought tooth and nail trying not to cry my lushes fake lashes off, to the very end of the night when he held me in his arms while we swayed to Brother Iz's "Somewhere over the Rainbow" it was a day / night I will never forget...
One of the most amazing things, was that I barely heard the string trio I so meticulously hired...The second I walked into the ballroom with my Dad gripping my trembling arm, and the whole room stood up at once, it was a wonderful sound, like a stampede all getting up for me! Flashes, trembling bottom lip, hoping to God that I wouldn't trip on the aisle runner and lose my train...Getting to the front was tough, I had a really hard time letting go of my Dad's arm. I was scared I would faint or something...I couldn't look at my gorgeous sister because she was bawling her eyes out. I somehow managed to look at the honey directly in the eyes without crying, because, well he knows me, he can read me, and he knows when I am about to lose all control. The depth of his eyes were so comforting too me, they hugged me and loved me without a single blink.. Call me a tough cookie, but I was damned determined not to cry..In retrospect I feel that maybe I should've let down my hair and shed a few tears that desperately wanted to be free'd. But I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Yes, I am vain...
The evening progressed always with one eye on the honey, with the dj blowing a fuse, (very entertaining by the way) a good friend of mine singing us a beautiful song in Italian. And my Mother and I dancing to Disney's "Once upon a dream" with everyone encircling us. It was my little gift to her. I grew up with her singing all the disney songs to me as a little girl, I told you I was a girly girl..They remain sort of special in my heart. The honey and I greeted, and greeted and greeted, and sadly enough a few of you escaped unscathed...damnit...
The cake cutting was funny, I smashed some in his face very sweetly, but he tried to sexily "tease" some into my mouth..what a sexpot I've married.
The bouquet toss, went to a woman that I'd never met, which sort of bummed me out in a way because I really wanted my good friend Emma to get it..I would've thrown it right at her if I had better aim.
The garter, oh boy, I forgot mine, luckily the honey was equipt with his own. He managed to rip that bad boy off with his teeth! Adam caught, the aforementioned friend "Francesca"'s ex. Long story, but they're good friends..I think..

And then dancing, and more dancing. Some of it with my very close friends Aimmee, Veronica, Francesca and I. We went galloping through the parlor, well, because a parlor like that was begging for four young women to traipse at full speed through it. Wedding dress, shoeless and drenched with sweat. Oh what fun!

Then, that's it, it was over that quickily. The end of it all almost brought tears to my eyes.. The hall, the music, the food, the moment of feeling like there was nothing more important to me on earth than to be right then and there..all done...
We drive away in my car, gas tank on empty with a trunk full of enough liquor to intoxicate a small country. Our gift (all million and one of them) along with our food, went off into the night in two truck loads in the hands of my relatives.

We stayed the night at a VERY lovely hotel..Lush, very very nice. Chocolate covered strawberries, champagne on ice. Folks it was peerrrrfect.. The rest I will leave to your imaginations, as it's a little secret between my husband and I :)

My husband...wow, it's so new, so different, but somehow feels so right. Like God has planted me right where I am supposed to be. In the arms of the man that I will love for the rest of my life....

Bitter Sweet

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore


29 days until I get hitched...

Arg

So much for SBD...I've had really ridiculous bronchial cough for a week. My lungs itch, I am trying to get a Dr. appointment, but my doc has the day off tomorrow!!

I think it's this air-conditioning that is making me cough like every few minutes....I don't even feel much like blogging....

tonight I am going to try and workout and then do more wedding stuff....will write more later if I can.

South Beach Diet, Day 1

Okay folks,
this is getting ridiculous, I had to take initiative, not only because of the wedding, but because my dress fitting is this Friday and I need to change the way I look at least a little...

I just started this today (again) for like the twenty-thousandth time, but this time I am determined to stay with it until I loose my 13 pounds. The longest I did this was for a month and I lost about 8 pounds, then gained it all back....

Thing is, if you stay in phase one for too long, that fruit craving thing really starts to get to me. I start getting all cagey..I am super sluggish today from not having any caffeine..That I am not sure I can do without..But I am going to try...

Ah, okay, I am done, funny I don't have a lot to rant about today.. :D

Let's hope I can shed at least 5 pounds this week. Going to the gym tonight, weight training tonight, yee-haw, I am going to look like a superstar. ;)

Monday Blues

I don't know why, but when I am faced with stress, I start to stress eat. Not just any ole food either, it's bad, like cheetos, pie, chocolate bars, etc...It's been especially hard lately because my wedding favors are chocolate bars...

I didn't manage to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hate skipping days like this...I guess I will make an extra special effort to get out there tomorrow morning, I will go for a run tonight too...I am feel sickly. I don't know why, my throat burns, and I am already burned out, and it's just Monday.
The only fun thing I managed to do today was get my friend / co-worker a birthday present. :) I like giving gifts....
I think I found out who the nark is here at work, and it's sort of distressing...I don't have anything spectacular to write about today, I feel like I just want to go home and lay in bed....I want to leave. I have a half hour still...I think what I wished I had was more motivation to finish projects that I start. I start them and then they're just left hanging. I hate it when I do that....

I read an article today about children with overly disciplining parents tend to become overweight by the age of 6...So tell me, why did I become overweight in high-school? Or middle school even. I noticed today, that my mother is especially emotional. I am so much like her. But she was like night and day from one moment to another. It was a little disturbing, only because I hate to see her go through such swings like that. I try to play it off like I have everything under control, but I really don't. I am like a small volcano inside. The honey knows that too, and I think it really troubles him...I wish I were thinner, like the way I was a few years ago. I don't know what in the hell I did to become so thin, so fast, but man my clothes fit me so much better, and my confidence levels were so much higher..Now I look in the mirror and I see a big fat ass....
Maybe I should set up an appointment with Marilyn. She used to ground me so much.. I sometimes feel like I have lost a sense of who I am. Like my values have changed, and my thoughts have become so angry all the time. I wish I was happy-go-lucky like I used to be. So carefree, albeit a little chunky but seeming to be so much more stable....

Gotta go.

oh yeah....

Maybe I should explain my circuit that I did today (:D)

1. stationary lunges: 5, 15, 20 lbs.
2. squats (some on the smith press machine): 5, 20, 20 lbs.
3. outer thigh raises 5, 15, 20 lbs
4. pull downs 40, 50, 77 lbs (random, I know)
5. bench press 10, 15, 20 lbs
6. shoulder press 10, 15, 15 lbs
7. stiff legged deadlifts 10, 15, 20 lbs
8. tricep pull downs 40, 50 60lbs. (on machine)
9. biceps 10, 15, 15 lbs.

No situps, I will do those tonight when I get home. I started running out of time. I wore my heart rate monitor too, just to keep an eye on when I really started to heat up. It was overall a fantastic stepping stone into my "rediscovery" of weight lifting. I did it for a while lost my 25 lbs, and then left it behind, for cardio hence gaining back some 10 pounds.... Since my new love affair with cardio, my poor weight lifting regimen has been kicked to the curbside...until today....

I've got a little over one month to make some serious progress. DROP DEAD DATE of WEDDING : July 27, 2006.

oh yeah, lookout wedding dress with a low back, here I come.

Dog gone good day ..Yes sireee..

I had a faaaabuloso work out today at the gym. It was great because I did a full circuit three times in only 35 - 45 minutes. It's fantastic I am still shaky, I love love love it. Had to make it fast cause work beckond...I ran this weekend, not long runs but short little 30 minute jogs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I decided to take Sunday off. I noticed that when I do that, I am not quite so sluggish the following workout...

It's just that wedding dress I keep thinking about. I managed to pull it out the other night when my friend came over, and man oh man do I have a bit of work ahead of me...It's okay though, I will get there, and the 10 pounds will go screaming off my dainty little frame :) Lol. Okay, not so dainty around the hips, but every place else....

Wow, spring is really in the air. My allergies are in full swing. It's so weird, I never suffered from them before, now I can't tell if it's a cold coming on or just my allergies...
I am feeling much more sane these days. I just found an awesome website for e-cards, for those of you that like to get different and retro cards, go to www.hipstercards.com, very neat stuff.
I am leaving for E3 on Monday. I am pretty excited, I have never been, but I will be working the whole time I am there. It's going to be good for the honey and I to have a little breather from each other for a week too. Yeah..give him a chance to miss my obnoxious ways. :D
I see so many things throughout the day that I want to blog about, or something creative that I need to remember to make note of, and then it totally slips my mind. I guess I still do have quite a few things going on. Minus the purchasing of the most awesome, and fantastic house ever, I am doing okay considering. My Mom is coming home from the UK tonight, I am so excited to see her. Contrary to many daughters, she is one of my closest friends. She went to visit my sweet, adorable and darling little newphew, barnaby-bear.
I got my bridal shoes, and OMG I love them. I totally want to wear them even after the wedding! They fit perfectly. Slowly the invitations are coming together. I had to deal with a monster of a lady changing prices on me and making stuff up along the way. Not only did she not listen to my requests, but she seem to glaze over my emails too.. We're going on our third proof. Which is fine with me, I am a stickler like that, but I would hate to open my momento / scrapbook of wedding stuff years later and get pissed off because she didn't do her job correctly the first time..

We're working out the wedding favors, which are no longer edible, this is good, testing out so many chocolate favors was starting to kill me. I have somehow developed some sort of allergic reaction to chocolate and sugar. I get a throbbing headache after I eat a piece as small as a truffle..Sucks, because chocolate is my absolute favorite.. The cake is going to be spectacular, I can't wait to eat it!
We booked an amazing photographer, and Thursday I have an appointment with MAC to get a trial run done for my make-up.
I need to find a florist, which might be a challenge because I am very picky and all my flowers need to smell really good...Let's just hope I don't have an allergic reaction to those too!!
I think we're heading to Mexico for the honeymoon. I will be down there in June for a friend's wedding, so I might check out some sites while I am there. I am not sure still, but I really hope I can make it. She and I have known each other since first grade at the very least.

Uh oh, server's back up, need to get back to work.

happy happy day.