Thursday, February 23, 2006
Hooray!!!!
They offered, and I accepted...There is a long story behind this, I will post more later, lets just say I am in the safe zone now!!!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Another business week....
Ugh I am here again. I thought surely by now I'd be on my way to my new place of employment. I still haven't heard from them officially...Tonight is my Nonna's rosary, and tomorrow morning is her funeral. I bet they will call me on Wednesday and make me an offer, wouldn't that be strange? I won't be here tomorrow at least. I don't know why, I am just dreading working right now, and dealing with the people I work with. I hate being on the spot and scrutinized for my degree of saddness..They will inspect me, assess the seriousness of it all, and then start piling on the work. I really don't want to immerse myself in this bullshit today.
I finished knitting a scarf I started over a year ago, it's nice very theraputic actually I forgot how much I like to knit and make things..
I hosted a family dinner the other night (Saturday) that was fun I made lasagna that is going to last us for days, I also have enough tiramisu to feed an army. The cooking and visiting with my sister / family was such a nice distraction from everything. Now that she is gone, it's like the hard reality of it all is starting to hit me...Nonna is really gone, my sister and brother-in-law have really gone back to the UK. And I have to deal with myself again. My feelings, my saddness. I have to be here working... You see my family is uniquely close. We're so reliant on each other. I got to show my sister my wedding dress, that was a big thing for me, I forget how much I love that dress. I try it on and I instantly feel happy. Its like a drug...I also have dreaded working out, I don't know why. It was such a joy to me, I almost always looked forward to it...I have been eating a lot more and can feel myself hanging onto the extra calories. I have to be stern though, I am planning to look very good for my wedding, so that means I have to have discipline made of steel these next few months...No more dilly-dallying around with my food and workouts.
I have only been here a half hour and feel like it's been ten years. I hope this day goes fast....
I finished knitting a scarf I started over a year ago, it's nice very theraputic actually I forgot how much I like to knit and make things..
I hosted a family dinner the other night (Saturday) that was fun I made lasagna that is going to last us for days, I also have enough tiramisu to feed an army. The cooking and visiting with my sister / family was such a nice distraction from everything. Now that she is gone, it's like the hard reality of it all is starting to hit me...Nonna is really gone, my sister and brother-in-law have really gone back to the UK. And I have to deal with myself again. My feelings, my saddness. I have to be here working... You see my family is uniquely close. We're so reliant on each other. I got to show my sister my wedding dress, that was a big thing for me, I forget how much I love that dress. I try it on and I instantly feel happy. Its like a drug...I also have dreaded working out, I don't know why. It was such a joy to me, I almost always looked forward to it...I have been eating a lot more and can feel myself hanging onto the extra calories. I have to be stern though, I am planning to look very good for my wedding, so that means I have to have discipline made of steel these next few months...No more dilly-dallying around with my food and workouts.
I have only been here a half hour and feel like it's been ten years. I hope this day goes fast....
Friday, February 17, 2006
Rosalia Lo Schiavo
My Nonna died yesterday. At 1:10 pm she took her last breath. Words cannot describe the saddness I feel.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
UnFucking Believable!
OMG, I am so totally pissed off right now. These past few days have been so hard, I have been falling apart left and right and trying to keep my wits straight. Last night, I left work a little early to be with my Nonna. I was at the hospital with her by myself for a couple of hours, it was good. I had the chance to talk to her and show her my true feelings. I guess it's kinda the same thing as talking to someone in a coma. She couldn't respond, only with moving her hand and arm around a bit. It's heart wrenching, but I dealt with it. Every couple of seconds when her breath was deep and she'd exhale and wait a few seconds and take another breath, my heart would jump. I kept thinking each breath she took might be her last....
My family was due to come back to the hosptial a bit later, so I lingered on, just watching her, stroking her hair, and just being there in the moment. I wanted to make sure she was not alone. My cell phone rings. It's work..great...Earlier in the day I created table tents, and name badges for our marketing program's manager Cindi. Here's the thing about Cindi, she is totally self-centered and cares very little for those around her. She thinks the world revolves around her and has a fit when it doesn't. So I helped her out cause I knew she had a big event last night. Normally I don't concern myself with little stuff like that, but it seems to me that everyone here is a template idiot and doesn't know how to layout anything...I printed the table tents, the name badges and counted the inserts. I didn't count the number of strings (that wrap the name badges around your neck) I figured since she supplied me with everything she had a handle on her supplies...
Here I am at the hosptial, and Cindi calls. She is demanding that I go down to San Jose, to bring her more strings for the name badges because I didn't count them and she was short. There were no office supply stores near her and she insisted that I come down there...I told her "No" that I was with my grandma at the hospital by myself and couldn't leave her alone. She blurted out "okay, thanks for your help" and hung up on me!
I was flabbergasted. 1. because she would have the audacity to call me with such a ridiculous request when it's her responsibility...and 2. because she actually thought that I was going to put her needs above the needs of my family. WTF? Does she actually think I give a flying fuck about her stupid name badges!?
This morning, I came in the office ready to rip her a new asshole, but decided against it since I am leaving this place at the end of the month. You see the thing that troubles me is that she called me from my bosse's cell phone. So he knew about it...No fucking compassion at all....
Today I have closed myself in an office so I don't have to deal with any interruptions and can crank through some work. I told my boss this morning in front of her that I didn't have time for name badges and garbage like that today. Today I am on a mission. (I am responsible for laying out a 3 volume book) and no one knows that I am leaving yet, so I am in a pretty big rush to get this done....
Nonna is being moved today from the hospital back to the nursing home. I hope she is going to be okay, I am going to see her after work tonight...I feel bad, my fiance and step son haven't seen me all week, I hate neglecting them. He's been such a sweetheart. The poor little tot is sick today, he's got some sort of flu.....Why does it seem like when it rains, it pours??
One happy little note, my veil and hair piece came in, they're waiting for me to pick it up....At least I have the arrival of a beautiful wedding gown to look forward to...
My family was due to come back to the hosptial a bit later, so I lingered on, just watching her, stroking her hair, and just being there in the moment. I wanted to make sure she was not alone. My cell phone rings. It's work..great...Earlier in the day I created table tents, and name badges for our marketing program's manager Cindi. Here's the thing about Cindi, she is totally self-centered and cares very little for those around her. She thinks the world revolves around her and has a fit when it doesn't. So I helped her out cause I knew she had a big event last night. Normally I don't concern myself with little stuff like that, but it seems to me that everyone here is a template idiot and doesn't know how to layout anything...I printed the table tents, the name badges and counted the inserts. I didn't count the number of strings (that wrap the name badges around your neck) I figured since she supplied me with everything she had a handle on her supplies...
Here I am at the hosptial, and Cindi calls. She is demanding that I go down to San Jose, to bring her more strings for the name badges because I didn't count them and she was short. There were no office supply stores near her and she insisted that I come down there...I told her "No" that I was with my grandma at the hospital by myself and couldn't leave her alone. She blurted out "okay, thanks for your help" and hung up on me!
I was flabbergasted. 1. because she would have the audacity to call me with such a ridiculous request when it's her responsibility...and 2. because she actually thought that I was going to put her needs above the needs of my family. WTF? Does she actually think I give a flying fuck about her stupid name badges!?
This morning, I came in the office ready to rip her a new asshole, but decided against it since I am leaving this place at the end of the month. You see the thing that troubles me is that she called me from my bosse's cell phone. So he knew about it...No fucking compassion at all....
Today I have closed myself in an office so I don't have to deal with any interruptions and can crank through some work. I told my boss this morning in front of her that I didn't have time for name badges and garbage like that today. Today I am on a mission. (I am responsible for laying out a 3 volume book) and no one knows that I am leaving yet, so I am in a pretty big rush to get this done....
Nonna is being moved today from the hospital back to the nursing home. I hope she is going to be okay, I am going to see her after work tonight...I feel bad, my fiance and step son haven't seen me all week, I hate neglecting them. He's been such a sweetheart. The poor little tot is sick today, he's got some sort of flu.....Why does it seem like when it rains, it pours??
One happy little note, my veil and hair piece came in, they're waiting for me to pick it up....At least I have the arrival of a beautiful wedding gown to look forward to...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Buon San Valentino Nonna
The death process has begun. I don't know why I am blogging about this right now. I guess my tears have fallen so numerously that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She is giving up hope on life. They're not sustaining her life, no water, no feeding tubes, now she just lays with her eyes closed, occasionally tugging at her clothes waving one arm around. Not that actively but actively enough for me to know that she is a fighter. She is not letting go that easily. It has been 3 days since her stroke.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Strength Through Adversity
I am not quite sure if that is the appropriate headline. but it is what I most deeply desire right now. The weekend progressed slowly and thick like molasses on Friday afternoon, until I got the unusually calm phone call from my mother. Let me set this up for you...I was driving away from work, cheerful, yet a little sad since my very good friend had completed his last day of his semi-two week notice. I thought how much excitement lay before him and felt a genuine happiness in my heart for him because I knew that he would be happy elsewhere. The sad part was me being selfish because I would be stuck in this firey hell pit alone...As I bounded home down the freeway I called my mother, as I usually do at the end of the day to see how she's doing. Turns out that my grandmother (Nonna) has been hospitalized unbeknownst to me. She was having chest pains, and kept getting dizzy. I understood. She's 93 and a little spitfire of a woman, I thought, heck, she'll be fine, she's a fighter...Saturday came, the tot had a great bball game and things when relatively smoothly with the ex-monster. No major disruption. So the fam and I headed over to my folks' place to help with yard work and remodeling. But being the stubborn fitness queen that I am, insisted on a five mile run beforehand. I ran, the tot and the honey bumbled around behind me. about an hour behind me. I finished my run, completed some required wedding phonecalls and waited for them. After this we headed over to my folk's as I'd mentioned, did about 5 hours worth of very tiring manual labor then bounded for the hospital.
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wedding Updates
Well, the honey and I seem to have made huge progress last night in terms of our guest list. After much aggrivation over too much family, I have finally narrowed it down. As I hoard my spreadsheet I do not plan to rehash that nightmare again until I absolutely HAVE to get addresses to send reminders..Which, will be like tonight, tomorrow and probably most of the weekend. I didn't realize how much weight I was shouldering by not doing this sooner. Last night a huge weight was lifted as I drifted off to sleep... Until I woke up at, 3, 4 and 6am... I don't know if it was the evening run or the wedding jitters that kept me awake, but I didn't sleep much last night. It's okay, it got my ass to work a little sooner than normal. Big Whup, now I can do nothing for 8 whole hours instead of 6. Yes, I have been slacking off big time here. I am bored out of my noggin...I am holding so tightly to the fact that my hopefully new employer WIILL call that I am starting to not care so much at all anymore...
Happier news...Spring is starting to sprout! Hooray!!! I love the greenery popping up everywhere. It's like a pretty painting just for me. I can't help but notice the beautiful hues of pink showing up all over the place. My heart is sings at this sight. The warmer temperatures of the past few days have been so refreshing. It's totally renewed my spirits and made me want to be outdoors more than anything. Last night my run was so beautiful, I couldn't help but admire the goregeous setting sun peeking over the hills. What a sight! It made the hour go so much faster, moving scenery, moving water, pinkish swirls of a sunset. I could've eaten it.
I don't know why but I was so overcome with sentiment last night during my run, I started thinking of all my Italian relatives that I miss so dearly. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. It's like this huge opening in my heart opens up when I workout and all the pent up stuff and feelings just come bursting out. I guess it's a literal release for me in so many ways. I thought about my cousin Salvina in particular and I almost cried, and l laughed. I don't know why.. I miss her.
It's funny how caught up we get in our lives, how we let everyday things consume us. There is so much more in this world besides work!!! Honey and I toyed with ideas for the honeymoon. Talks of Greece, Jamaica, Fiji were flying last night. We both agree that we want a tropical climate with activities (not a cruise) but enough night life to keep us awake and drunken with excitement to be there together and away from everything realistic and practical...At least for a week.
I am listening to Jovanotti, what a great voice he has, it's thick like honey, and his pronuncaiation of Italian words brings me back to Tuscany. I love the way the words roll off his tongue and make music. His harmony and singing talent is nothing to brag about but his voice is just so rich.
Okay...I need to run. I have to pretend that I am working or something....
Happier news...Spring is starting to sprout! Hooray!!! I love the greenery popping up everywhere. It's like a pretty painting just for me. I can't help but notice the beautiful hues of pink showing up all over the place. My heart is sings at this sight. The warmer temperatures of the past few days have been so refreshing. It's totally renewed my spirits and made me want to be outdoors more than anything. Last night my run was so beautiful, I couldn't help but admire the goregeous setting sun peeking over the hills. What a sight! It made the hour go so much faster, moving scenery, moving water, pinkish swirls of a sunset. I could've eaten it.
I don't know why but I was so overcome with sentiment last night during my run, I started thinking of all my Italian relatives that I miss so dearly. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. It's like this huge opening in my heart opens up when I workout and all the pent up stuff and feelings just come bursting out. I guess it's a literal release for me in so many ways. I thought about my cousin Salvina in particular and I almost cried, and l laughed. I don't know why.. I miss her.
It's funny how caught up we get in our lives, how we let everyday things consume us. There is so much more in this world besides work!!! Honey and I toyed with ideas for the honeymoon. Talks of Greece, Jamaica, Fiji were flying last night. We both agree that we want a tropical climate with activities (not a cruise) but enough night life to keep us awake and drunken with excitement to be there together and away from everything realistic and practical...At least for a week.
I am listening to Jovanotti, what a great voice he has, it's thick like honey, and his pronuncaiation of Italian words brings me back to Tuscany. I love the way the words roll off his tongue and make music. His harmony and singing talent is nothing to brag about but his voice is just so rich.
Okay...I need to run. I have to pretend that I am working or something....
Monday, February 06, 2006
The Fire Blazes On
I am still waiting..waiting...waiting..hoping that they'll call and kick themselves for not hiring me sooner. Work has proven to be challenging, yet again.
One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...
The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....
The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.
I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.
"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."
-Ani Di Franco
One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...
The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....
The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.
I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.
"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."
-Ani Di Franco
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
When oh When.....
I'm getting spammed like 20 times a day now, for online pharmaceuticals, viagra, and god knows what else. Why is this happening? I don't go browsing at sex sites or anything, especially not when I am working!!! Yes, they're spamming me at work, I know it's just a matter of setting up some rules, but I don't know if I can resist the urge to rule out every person that emails me with a request at this place....which brings me to my next topic...when oh when will "the second most desirable company in the world to work for" call me back to make me the big offer? I say this because, I have always considered pixar to be the coolest place to work at, only because I have always wanted to be a computer animator...But I will definitely take the next best thing...I can't disclose the name of the company, but let's just say that I will forever lead a life of games if I get this job. Yes, I am targeting the gaming industry. I think it's a lucrative career move as a designer / creative person. This could be good. This could be really good. In fact this could be amazing....We shall see, I guess time can only tell me what is possible.
Last night I ran. I ran and ran and ran. And still I had pent up premenstrual angst that I just couldn't shake. I am planning on running my first half marathon in April if my schedule permits. I guess I am getting tired of running without a cause. It will be fun, hopefully it will break me free of my shell of lone running. I don't know why I find so much satisfaction in running alone. I just love it, my favorite time of the day is just before sunset....ahh I can run for hours at that time of day...If only I could talk the sun into not completely setting for me, now that would be cool.
The tot has a game this weekend, where only the ex-monster and I will be attending. This ought to be interesting. Not that I mind her that much anymore, I guess I just don't care much for the personal probbing. Like I am something for her to outshine or outdo, which is okay I guess..Hey if it makes her a better person, I am all for it. I enjoy chatting with her, but sometimes I feel like it's just to see what I am doing, and how she could do it beter.
The honey is going to be out of town, which is okay with me, we're especially overdue for some needed r&r apart for a day or two. You know how that is..when you have had so much of each other that it's just aggrivating after a while. The only problem is that I am so hopelessly attached to him, that even the dog and I get a little down by ourselves when he is gone.
hmm...running....dog....nah...I like my time alone too much...Isn't that sad, that our dog seems like an impediment right now? The good thing about the "second most diserable company in the world to work for" is that I think it will require quite a bit of traveling, which I think will be good for me right now at this point in my life....I have always equated traveling for "grown ups" Like I never really made it to that step. So this will be a "grown up" job with "grown up" responsibilities....I am ready for this next step...
Ya know..I really can't stand this feeling like I am going to blow up. Not that I am pissed off or anything, but for some odd reason I can almost understand the road rage, the angry customers in line at the post office, and the overworked and still working out people at the gym...Isn't that sad? I am not a violent person. well, not all the time, but damn I would make an excellent fighter. I wonder why I never got involved in professional fighting, I definitely have the drive and the raging hormones to do it. I just don't want to mess up my face and body...Yeah, probably not a good idea to mess with my real estate. I am not getting any younger so the chances of bouncing back quick are not as good as they might've been had I been in my 20's.
This is theraputic I think, the more I write, the better I feel, the less I feel like whacking someone. This is good. God, I can't stop checking email...when oh when are they going to call me???? I can't wait anymore!!!!!!!
Last night I ran. I ran and ran and ran. And still I had pent up premenstrual angst that I just couldn't shake. I am planning on running my first half marathon in April if my schedule permits. I guess I am getting tired of running without a cause. It will be fun, hopefully it will break me free of my shell of lone running. I don't know why I find so much satisfaction in running alone. I just love it, my favorite time of the day is just before sunset....ahh I can run for hours at that time of day...If only I could talk the sun into not completely setting for me, now that would be cool.
The tot has a game this weekend, where only the ex-monster and I will be attending. This ought to be interesting. Not that I mind her that much anymore, I guess I just don't care much for the personal probbing. Like I am something for her to outshine or outdo, which is okay I guess..Hey if it makes her a better person, I am all for it. I enjoy chatting with her, but sometimes I feel like it's just to see what I am doing, and how she could do it beter.
The honey is going to be out of town, which is okay with me, we're especially overdue for some needed r&r apart for a day or two. You know how that is..when you have had so much of each other that it's just aggrivating after a while. The only problem is that I am so hopelessly attached to him, that even the dog and I get a little down by ourselves when he is gone.
hmm...running....dog....nah...I like my time alone too much...Isn't that sad, that our dog seems like an impediment right now? The good thing about the "second most diserable company in the world to work for" is that I think it will require quite a bit of traveling, which I think will be good for me right now at this point in my life....I have always equated traveling for "grown ups" Like I never really made it to that step. So this will be a "grown up" job with "grown up" responsibilities....I am ready for this next step...
Ya know..I really can't stand this feeling like I am going to blow up. Not that I am pissed off or anything, but for some odd reason I can almost understand the road rage, the angry customers in line at the post office, and the overworked and still working out people at the gym...Isn't that sad? I am not a violent person. well, not all the time, but damn I would make an excellent fighter. I wonder why I never got involved in professional fighting, I definitely have the drive and the raging hormones to do it. I just don't want to mess up my face and body...Yeah, probably not a good idea to mess with my real estate. I am not getting any younger so the chances of bouncing back quick are not as good as they might've been had I been in my 20's.
This is theraputic I think, the more I write, the better I feel, the less I feel like whacking someone. This is good. God, I can't stop checking email...when oh when are they going to call me???? I can't wait anymore!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
A theory on human mortality
Isn't it amazing sometimes how humans actually function? It almost seems like a nasty trick. I can imagine God sitting in his heavenly pearlesque and golden rocker. Thinking aloud..."I will bless this world with humans. All kinds of them, skinny, fat, slow, fast, insanely brilliant, and even stupid ones. But here's the thing....They must be able to handle the fact that there will only be 24 hours in each day they are given to live. That along with the fact that they must sleep almost half of that time. Some will not require that much, those lot can do without the sleep, they will age faster, and will suffer the loss of sleep, but nonetheless, it won't matter that much. 95% of the remaining, must get about 8-10 hours of sleep the remainder of the time, if not more. Then, the must be able to feed themselves, hunt if they must, bathe and have time in the remaining daylight hours to accomplish as much as they can. Oh yes, one more thing, I am going to give the female bunch the ability to reproduce, with of course, the male's contribution. So, yes, once the offspring is born, they have to do all these things to the best of their abilities, and also do it for the smaller ones until they can do it for themselves."
He claps his hands together and rocks back and forth for a bit. Rocking chair squeaking.
"I think I am going to give them the ability to feel...yes, that sounds good, I am going to give them all these things they must accomplish along with the ability to feel a wide variety of emotions, sometimes all at once." This is going to be fun....
Oh what a tangled web he has woven...
He claps his hands together and rocks back and forth for a bit. Rocking chair squeaking.
"I think I am going to give them the ability to feel...yes, that sounds good, I am going to give them all these things they must accomplish along with the ability to feel a wide variety of emotions, sometimes all at once." This is going to be fun....
Oh what a tangled web he has woven...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Pride and Predjudice
I had no idea that Pride and Predjudice was such a beautiful love story. I know I read it when I was younger, but I guess I must've forgotten the story.
I found it so intriguing when Elizabeth found herself so repelled but yet so attracted to the one man, she knew she could never have. She loathed him, yet she yearned for him at the same time. Classes were such a hateful thing at the turn of the century especially in England. I can't imagine how difficult life must've been for the people born in a lower class. Especially the women. I think of how lucky I am to have been born when I was. Women have treaded down such a long and gruesome trail of inequality, and despair. It makes my heart wrench at the very thought of it. It's hard to believe that there was a time when women were at the mercy of their suitors. They had to accept a life of no love for the sake of their survival, worse yet, their family's survival.
However, there were those that were lucky, and found true love. Tonight, made me think of the honey. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him, yet we're so mutually stubborn, and born of sharp tongues, that sometimes I just have to throw my arms up in submission. Yet I chose this. This is mine to keep. This is mine to do what I please with. This is not a life that I was born into and forced to live. This is my choice. My choice. What a wonderful concept. A woman's right to choose. To choose to love or hate, to keep or to destroy. Although I couldn't bring myself to do the latter. The freedom of that concept alone is enough to make me cry. I don't know why really. I guess that movie made me think of present day values and customs. How so many women I have seen are so helplessly and stupidly arrogant with themselves. If they only knew the hardships and the predjudice we have endured, maybe their eyes would flicker open and the fog would clear. Maybe they would have more pride then to throw themselves away with contempt and poor self image. Then there are those, that I so look up to, the ones that value themselves and are pillars of strength in my life. Like my mother, my sister. These are two strong women. Two women that remind me to be proud, no matter what company I keep or whatever circumstances I find myself in. They helped form that little voice that reminds me of right and wrong. They showed me what it meant to be a woman.
I found it so intriguing when Elizabeth found herself so repelled but yet so attracted to the one man, she knew she could never have. She loathed him, yet she yearned for him at the same time. Classes were such a hateful thing at the turn of the century especially in England. I can't imagine how difficult life must've been for the people born in a lower class. Especially the women. I think of how lucky I am to have been born when I was. Women have treaded down such a long and gruesome trail of inequality, and despair. It makes my heart wrench at the very thought of it. It's hard to believe that there was a time when women were at the mercy of their suitors. They had to accept a life of no love for the sake of their survival, worse yet, their family's survival.
However, there were those that were lucky, and found true love. Tonight, made me think of the honey. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him, yet we're so mutually stubborn, and born of sharp tongues, that sometimes I just have to throw my arms up in submission. Yet I chose this. This is mine to keep. This is mine to do what I please with. This is not a life that I was born into and forced to live. This is my choice. My choice. What a wonderful concept. A woman's right to choose. To choose to love or hate, to keep or to destroy. Although I couldn't bring myself to do the latter. The freedom of that concept alone is enough to make me cry. I don't know why really. I guess that movie made me think of present day values and customs. How so many women I have seen are so helplessly and stupidly arrogant with themselves. If they only knew the hardships and the predjudice we have endured, maybe their eyes would flicker open and the fog would clear. Maybe they would have more pride then to throw themselves away with contempt and poor self image. Then there are those, that I so look up to, the ones that value themselves and are pillars of strength in my life. Like my mother, my sister. These are two strong women. Two women that remind me to be proud, no matter what company I keep or whatever circumstances I find myself in. They helped form that little voice that reminds me of right and wrong. They showed me what it meant to be a woman.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Long time no post
Wow, it's been over an entire year since I last posted to this site...So much has happened...lemme see, hmm...turned 30, that was weird, in a tragic sort of way...I got engaged, which was one of the happiest moments of my 30 year old life thus far....found out my sister is about 7 months pregnant, (my maid of honor) and also found out, that my best friend, and back-up maid of honor is due on the date of my wedding...jeesh...babies, babies, everywhere...I guess that's what happens when you're 30ish.
It's just so strange, I am in such a different frame of mind since my last post. I did manage to climb at least one step of this corporate ladder, not that much higher, but enough for now. It's made me realize that this is not the place I want to be, no matter what the position is...I don't feel that I will ever truly be taken seriously here...that along with my work ethics starting to go down the drain..I care so much less, which is a sad concept to me. I am late getting in, early leaving, dread coming in when I wake up in the morning, clearly a sign of a need to change careers, or at least place of employment....
As far as the honey goes, I have seen sides of him that I adore, and sides of him that enrage me. I love him nonetheless but am starting to get cold feet about this whole thing we call marriage. We, as I have said before, are like two sticks of dynamite, extremely explosive, but are useless when not ignited..the tot is turning out to be a little stick of dynamite and the ex monster is the darn lighter...I love the honey a lot, but past events have made me a little weary of his temper and mine when pushed too far. I have been able to open my eyes to many flaws, of both of ours, but I thank god that this has given us the opportunity to make substantial changes in the way we handle each other. I sometimes think that I haven't fully let go of past instances or even past relationships, but I push forward each day, and hope that I don't ignite someday...I don't miss the past, or care to revisit it, but I hold on to a lot of anger, this is my biggest flaw.
Ugh, well that was painful....onto lighter things....
Like the fact that I am interviewing at two places at once. I feel like Dr. Jekly and Mr.Hyde..(rubbing palms together) I am planning to plot the two against each other if given the opportunity. I am holding out for the the first place, but don't think it's such a good idea. The second place, I found out, is brining more people in to be interviewed....hmmm, I must've not wow'd them like I thought..Isn't that funny, when you're totally conviced that you're the shit, and someone tells you otherwise. It's like my hotair balloon is deflating and has become nothing but a floating canopy of hissing air, slowly and quietly making it's way back to the ground..
My body aches, I did a full body workout last night, took me 2 hours, but it felt so good. I think I got out a lot of agression. I bought my wedding dress, and man oh man, do I have a lot of work to do on these ever-so-shapely hips of mine...The dress calls for a narrow board-like figured frame, which is everything I am not...So I ordered it bigger and am going to have it downsized, so if I don't make my goal, at least I will still look good. At least I hope...I am trying to eat more often, but smaller meals that consist of more protein, which I think is helping, the weight is starting to go down...Water too, I can't seem to get enough..Too bad I can't have one of those drip things, with the needle that goes in my vein, so I could just scoot around and not worry so much about having to injest so much damned water all the time....
Hooray, its 4:40...only twenty minutes of this rubbish left, ahhh screw my poor work ethics, I have to get home, sum up some sort of tres bien, gourmet meal, preferrably involving chicken....And somehow manage to get catfood and run 5 or 6 miles, that should take me about an hour..the run that is...I don't really like running in the rain, but don't think I will have time to pop in at the gym...Although I feel like a hamster in a wheel when I run on the treadmill. Let's see what exciting adventure itrain has afforded me for oly $7.99, I have tried istrength, now I am on my way to itread...Can't beat the dish run tho' that kicked my arse, my legs hurt for like a week.....
Okay, 15 minutes and counting......I wonder if I will get to buy this laptop from this place if I leave, I love it...It's got a nice big fancy display..hmm, I have been spoiled with the technology..My poor ole dinosaur at home is on it's last legs..Oh yeah, speaking of home, we're looking at houses too. That has been an undying search from hell. Everything we want in the area we're targeting is in the lower 9's...I can't believe that I don't even cringe when I look at $1million dollar homes these days, it's like no big thing anymore, I start to calculate what the mortgage would be in my head, and I don't even flinch really..I just leisurely walk out and think..oh well, that's nice......Okay..I am done with this rant..
It's just so strange, I am in such a different frame of mind since my last post. I did manage to climb at least one step of this corporate ladder, not that much higher, but enough for now. It's made me realize that this is not the place I want to be, no matter what the position is...I don't feel that I will ever truly be taken seriously here...that along with my work ethics starting to go down the drain..I care so much less, which is a sad concept to me. I am late getting in, early leaving, dread coming in when I wake up in the morning, clearly a sign of a need to change careers, or at least place of employment....
As far as the honey goes, I have seen sides of him that I adore, and sides of him that enrage me. I love him nonetheless but am starting to get cold feet about this whole thing we call marriage. We, as I have said before, are like two sticks of dynamite, extremely explosive, but are useless when not ignited..the tot is turning out to be a little stick of dynamite and the ex monster is the darn lighter...I love the honey a lot, but past events have made me a little weary of his temper and mine when pushed too far. I have been able to open my eyes to many flaws, of both of ours, but I thank god that this has given us the opportunity to make substantial changes in the way we handle each other. I sometimes think that I haven't fully let go of past instances or even past relationships, but I push forward each day, and hope that I don't ignite someday...I don't miss the past, or care to revisit it, but I hold on to a lot of anger, this is my biggest flaw.
Ugh, well that was painful....onto lighter things....
Like the fact that I am interviewing at two places at once. I feel like Dr. Jekly and Mr.Hyde..(rubbing palms together) I am planning to plot the two against each other if given the opportunity. I am holding out for the the first place, but don't think it's such a good idea. The second place, I found out, is brining more people in to be interviewed....hmmm, I must've not wow'd them like I thought..Isn't that funny, when you're totally conviced that you're the shit, and someone tells you otherwise. It's like my hotair balloon is deflating and has become nothing but a floating canopy of hissing air, slowly and quietly making it's way back to the ground..
My body aches, I did a full body workout last night, took me 2 hours, but it felt so good. I think I got out a lot of agression. I bought my wedding dress, and man oh man, do I have a lot of work to do on these ever-so-shapely hips of mine...The dress calls for a narrow board-like figured frame, which is everything I am not...So I ordered it bigger and am going to have it downsized, so if I don't make my goal, at least I will still look good. At least I hope...I am trying to eat more often, but smaller meals that consist of more protein, which I think is helping, the weight is starting to go down...Water too, I can't seem to get enough..Too bad I can't have one of those drip things, with the needle that goes in my vein, so I could just scoot around and not worry so much about having to injest so much damned water all the time....
Hooray, its 4:40...only twenty minutes of this rubbish left, ahhh screw my poor work ethics, I have to get home, sum up some sort of tres bien, gourmet meal, preferrably involving chicken....And somehow manage to get catfood and run 5 or 6 miles, that should take me about an hour..the run that is...I don't really like running in the rain, but don't think I will have time to pop in at the gym...Although I feel like a hamster in a wheel when I run on the treadmill. Let's see what exciting adventure itrain has afforded me for oly $7.99, I have tried istrength, now I am on my way to itread...Can't beat the dish run tho' that kicked my arse, my legs hurt for like a week.....
Okay, 15 minutes and counting......I wonder if I will get to buy this laptop from this place if I leave, I love it...It's got a nice big fancy display..hmm, I have been spoiled with the technology..My poor ole dinosaur at home is on it's last legs..Oh yeah, speaking of home, we're looking at houses too. That has been an undying search from hell. Everything we want in the area we're targeting is in the lower 9's...I can't believe that I don't even cringe when I look at $1million dollar homes these days, it's like no big thing anymore, I start to calculate what the mortgage would be in my head, and I don't even flinch really..I just leisurely walk out and think..oh well, that's nice......Okay..I am done with this rant..
Friday, December 03, 2004
The Roundest of Them All
In a moment of premenstrual weekness today, I stuffed my face with McDonald. Yes, I can't believe it, me, Ms. Step Aerobics herself. I ate a big 'n tasty, small fries, and a diet coke, like the diet coke would save me from falling off the edge of my daily allowance of calories and fat.
I haven't written in a while. I noticed that everything was starting to suffer, not because of the blogging per say, but because I felt that I was indulging in too much self disgust and anger. Things have changed quite a bit, I've been more productive at work and still not happy with it, but I am trying to promote myself within the company I am not having a lot of luck with it thus far, but at least they know now that I am not going to be in this line of work forever.
Things with the boy have been inching along, there have been a few rough patches, but nothing that isn't manageable. I've noticed though that I am in this increasing hurry to get married and settle down. Perhaps my biological clock is tick-tocking a little too loud, but I just have so many plans. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately too. Sometimes I run my hand over my tummy and wonder what it will be like when I finally decide to house a little one in there. What will he/she look like? What sort of mom will I be? What sort of dad will the honey be? What sort of family could we have? Will I be happy or resentful? I think back to words that a friend of mine said a while ago, she said, after having her daughter, she wondered why she waited so long for this? It was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I am not as career driven as I used to be. I guess I get discouraged from not being able to climb this corporate ladder. I can't seem to get to the next rung. So, maybe I am thinking about babies by default...Not sure. I've seen my cousin and her daughter a lot lately, and when I see that happy shiney little face I just want to kiss her all over. I've held her sweet little face in my hands and my heart melts, it's scary how special she is to me, and she isn't even mine. But I am so close to my cousin, that we're almost like sisters, so naturally anything of hers, I feel like it's mine as well. I love that little baby, I can see why my cousin wants to change her life and be the best that she can be. Maybe that's it, I am in a slump. I am not really seeing a need to be the best that I can be, why? For what reason? To prove it to the world that I can? I know that I can, I know that I can be at least ten pound lighter too. I've just gotten lazy and a little complacent over the pas year. My burning drive to please and to look amazing is sort of fading...
I'm feeling lethargic, tired, sore (did a crazy kick-boxing class last night) and down on myself for not being more restrictive with my pre-menstrual cravings. Again, they have gotten the better of me. I can almost feel the downward spiral suck me in. I know it's all psychological, I can choose to not let this get to me.
Yes, I have the power of choice. I have the power and ability to pull myself out of all this bullshit. I know I can. I believe in myself, I know that I am a strong woman, stubborn as hell and proud of it.
I wanted to go do something spontaneous this weekend and the honey got all irritated with me because he had his heart set on golf.... but what can I do? Maybe I will go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get a tree, but he didn't want to do that without the tot. I just wanted to do it without any arguing. There has been a lot of that going around lately. I don't know if it's because the tot is getting to a argumentative age or if he really just doesn't like me being around. I just try to stay out of it, but it wears on you after a while, when closing the door and trying to be alone just doesn't cut it. It's so funny because as a child, I was so happy and peaceful, always smiling and laughing. And look at me know, a heap of emotional matter, rounding out to be a longing mother with very few friends that even want to socialize with me anymore. I sometimes wish for that excitement, that spark which new relationships bring, that giddiness, but I know that it always fades. I don't want a new relationship, I just want this one to go forward and perservere. I thought about that today, why am I always comparing him to others? Why do I compare myself to the ex-monster? Why do I always feel like whatever I do, it's never enough? Has this just come full circle? Is the timer on the stove ringing because it will overcook if I don't pull it out of the oven? Or is it ringing because preheating has finished and I can finally plop my goods in to cook?
I can't stand this time of the month, I usually can't sleep, I cry a lot and I always have to re-think the direction of my life. When is it going to just stay in one place? When will my hormones allow me to have an emotionally normal and cry-fee/non-life altering moment of just plain happiness? I would settle for bliss, but somehow I think thats asking for too much.
I need to run, too much stuff to do before the end of the business day and I am already behind....Back to the daily grind.
I haven't written in a while. I noticed that everything was starting to suffer, not because of the blogging per say, but because I felt that I was indulging in too much self disgust and anger. Things have changed quite a bit, I've been more productive at work and still not happy with it, but I am trying to promote myself within the company I am not having a lot of luck with it thus far, but at least they know now that I am not going to be in this line of work forever.
Things with the boy have been inching along, there have been a few rough patches, but nothing that isn't manageable. I've noticed though that I am in this increasing hurry to get married and settle down. Perhaps my biological clock is tick-tocking a little too loud, but I just have so many plans. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately too. Sometimes I run my hand over my tummy and wonder what it will be like when I finally decide to house a little one in there. What will he/she look like? What sort of mom will I be? What sort of dad will the honey be? What sort of family could we have? Will I be happy or resentful? I think back to words that a friend of mine said a while ago, she said, after having her daughter, she wondered why she waited so long for this? It was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I am not as career driven as I used to be. I guess I get discouraged from not being able to climb this corporate ladder. I can't seem to get to the next rung. So, maybe I am thinking about babies by default...Not sure. I've seen my cousin and her daughter a lot lately, and when I see that happy shiney little face I just want to kiss her all over. I've held her sweet little face in my hands and my heart melts, it's scary how special she is to me, and she isn't even mine. But I am so close to my cousin, that we're almost like sisters, so naturally anything of hers, I feel like it's mine as well. I love that little baby, I can see why my cousin wants to change her life and be the best that she can be. Maybe that's it, I am in a slump. I am not really seeing a need to be the best that I can be, why? For what reason? To prove it to the world that I can? I know that I can, I know that I can be at least ten pound lighter too. I've just gotten lazy and a little complacent over the pas year. My burning drive to please and to look amazing is sort of fading...
I'm feeling lethargic, tired, sore (did a crazy kick-boxing class last night) and down on myself for not being more restrictive with my pre-menstrual cravings. Again, they have gotten the better of me. I can almost feel the downward spiral suck me in. I know it's all psychological, I can choose to not let this get to me.
Yes, I have the power of choice. I have the power and ability to pull myself out of all this bullshit. I know I can. I believe in myself, I know that I am a strong woman, stubborn as hell and proud of it.
I wanted to go do something spontaneous this weekend and the honey got all irritated with me because he had his heart set on golf....
I can't stand this time of the month, I usually can't sleep, I cry a lot and I always have to re-think the direction of my life. When is it going to just stay in one place? When will my hormones allow me to have an emotionally normal and cry-fee/non-life altering moment of just plain happiness? I would settle for bliss, but somehow I think thats asking for too much.
I need to run, too much stuff to do before the end of the business day and I am already behind....Back to the daily grind.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Confessions of a Step-Monster
(written 8/16/04)
Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….
Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
On Climbing Half Dome
10/8/04 The Day that I climbed Half Dome...
The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.
The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.
She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.
The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.
She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.
That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."
The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.
The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.
She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.
The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.
She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.
That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."
Soymilk Anger (written 10/5/04)
Soymilk Anger
Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.
Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.
Friday Afternoon Blues (written 9/24/04)
Friday Afternoon Blues
This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…
This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…
Bobble Head (written 9/7/04)
Bobble-head firefighting girl
Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….
Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….
I Wish
I wish we could talk
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.
I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.
I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.
I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.
I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.
I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.
I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.
I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.
I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.
I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.
I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.
I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.
I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.
Monday, November 01, 2004
They
Things that I learned as a child / adult and now, words that I heard them say and started to believe as true.
You look like a boy
You're lazy
You're too insecure
you're dishonest
you're chubby
you're skinny
you have a lot of acne
you're let men in too quickly
you're too different
you're too clingy / needy
you need to grow up
you're too emotional
you're too moody
you rely on ________ too much
He can't give you what you need
If we don't do _________ for you, no one will
Why couldn't you be smarter like your sister?
you're a "satisfactory" student
you don't apply yourself
you can make money from art
you never have any money
you can't ever trust anyone %100
you're too fat
I can't trust you
you have a big mouth
you don't come to see me enough, you don't care about me.
you let me down
you're not good enough
My response: This is the closest I could come to releasing all this crap. I never realized that I took these words to be my own truths. It's time to let them go...
"They" by Jem
Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
You look like a boy
You're lazy
You're too insecure
you're dishonest
you're chubby
you're skinny
you have a lot of acne
you're let men in too quickly
you're too different
you're too clingy / needy
you need to grow up
you're too emotional
you're too moody
you rely on ________ too much
He can't give you what you need
If we don't do _________ for you, no one will
Why couldn't you be smarter like your sister?
you're a "satisfactory" student
you don't apply yourself
you can make money from art
you never have any money
you can't ever trust anyone %100
you're too fat
I can't trust you
you have a big mouth
you don't come to see me enough, you don't care about me.
you let me down
you're not good enough
My response: This is the closest I could come to releasing all this crap. I never realized that I took these words to be my own truths. It's time to let them go...
"They" by Jem
Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
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