Bitter Sweet

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore


29 days until I get hitched...

Arg

So much for SBD...I've had really ridiculous bronchial cough for a week. My lungs itch, I am trying to get a Dr. appointment, but my doc has the day off tomorrow!!

I think it's this air-conditioning that is making me cough like every few minutes....I don't even feel much like blogging....

tonight I am going to try and workout and then do more wedding stuff....will write more later if I can.

South Beach Diet, Day 1

Okay folks,
this is getting ridiculous, I had to take initiative, not only because of the wedding, but because my dress fitting is this Friday and I need to change the way I look at least a little...

I just started this today (again) for like the twenty-thousandth time, but this time I am determined to stay with it until I loose my 13 pounds. The longest I did this was for a month and I lost about 8 pounds, then gained it all back....

Thing is, if you stay in phase one for too long, that fruit craving thing really starts to get to me. I start getting all cagey..I am super sluggish today from not having any caffeine..That I am not sure I can do without..But I am going to try...

Ah, okay, I am done, funny I don't have a lot to rant about today.. :D

Let's hope I can shed at least 5 pounds this week. Going to the gym tonight, weight training tonight, yee-haw, I am going to look like a superstar. ;)

Monday Blues

I don't know why, but when I am faced with stress, I start to stress eat. Not just any ole food either, it's bad, like cheetos, pie, chocolate bars, etc...It's been especially hard lately because my wedding favors are chocolate bars...

I didn't manage to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hate skipping days like this...I guess I will make an extra special effort to get out there tomorrow morning, I will go for a run tonight too...I am feel sickly. I don't know why, my throat burns, and I am already burned out, and it's just Monday.
The only fun thing I managed to do today was get my friend / co-worker a birthday present. :) I like giving gifts....
I think I found out who the nark is here at work, and it's sort of distressing...I don't have anything spectacular to write about today, I feel like I just want to go home and lay in bed....I want to leave. I have a half hour still...I think what I wished I had was more motivation to finish projects that I start. I start them and then they're just left hanging. I hate it when I do that....

I read an article today about children with overly disciplining parents tend to become overweight by the age of 6...So tell me, why did I become overweight in high-school? Or middle school even. I noticed today, that my mother is especially emotional. I am so much like her. But she was like night and day from one moment to another. It was a little disturbing, only because I hate to see her go through such swings like that. I try to play it off like I have everything under control, but I really don't. I am like a small volcano inside. The honey knows that too, and I think it really troubles him...I wish I were thinner, like the way I was a few years ago. I don't know what in the hell I did to become so thin, so fast, but man my clothes fit me so much better, and my confidence levels were so much higher..Now I look in the mirror and I see a big fat ass....
Maybe I should set up an appointment with Marilyn. She used to ground me so much.. I sometimes feel like I have lost a sense of who I am. Like my values have changed, and my thoughts have become so angry all the time. I wish I was happy-go-lucky like I used to be. So carefree, albeit a little chunky but seeming to be so much more stable....

Gotta go.