After talking to my mom, tonight I realized that life is too short to live sadly. She made some very eye-opening points. No one has a perfect life, and I should by no means try to live my life to anyone's standard. I have a great life, a loving husband, and a nice home. I don't know why I complain. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone has it so much better than I do. When in fact, I am probably better off than a lot of people. Not to ride my high horse or anything, but I really do need to step back a be more grateful. My mom reminded me of how much I laugh, and how important that is in life. She's right, stupid and funny little things really do make me laugh.
For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.
I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Off She Goes
You're gone, and I am really emotional about it. I shouldn't be, but every time you leave it's like this. I fight, I cry, I and I love. I miss you, boy do I miss you. You haven't been gone but an hour, but I know it will be a while until I see you again. It's funny, cause not many people actually know that I am talking about my sister. My sister. I miss using that term with frequency. There aren't many people, well no one actually, that knows me as intimately as you do. I don't have to say anything, and you just know. I miss that closeness when you're gone. Because I am not that way with anyone.
Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.
It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?
Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.
Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.
It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?
Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.
It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?
Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.
Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.
It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?
Friday, April 04, 2008
Stress-Eating Rears it's Ugly Head
Driving away from the sandwich shop after lunch, she makes a quick right into the parking lot of 7-11. Slowly making her way down the sweets aisle, she stops in front of the hostess stand. Toying over Twinkies and Ding Dong's she grabs the round plump coconut covered Snowballs. Practically running to the counter, she throws five dollars at the clerk, stuffs her change in her wallet and rips open the package of Snowballs. Sitting in her car she stuffs them into her mouth, ignoring the onlookers, and the strangely loud and thumping mini-van next to her. "Why, did I just do that? I just ate lunch, and what about my Zone Diet, wasn't I going to start that today!?" Forget about The Biggest Loser club at work, she really is a loser...
Sound familiar?
This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.
We can! We must.
Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....
That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."
For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.
I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.
So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.
Sound familiar?
This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.
We can! We must.
Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....
That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."
For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.
I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.
So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.
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