When it all started

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...

Things that I want

It's Friday, go crazy...

1. A house, (4000 sf will do) with really nice (walnut) hardwood floors
2. a large kitchen with granite countertops, and an island. (where my Mom can teach me how to make her perfectly crisp veal cutlets -- yes I am a carnivore.)
3. at least 5 bedrooms to accomodate our growing family (no I am not preggers)
3. a very deep, lovely tub in our master bath
3B. a nice "getaway" reading room attached to our very large master bedroom

4. a pool / hot tub in our 1 acre backyard
5. a lovely garden (within our 1 acre backyard), so I can learn how to grow melons and tomatoes from Finny ;)and plant trees with my Dad.
5B. A doggy park area within our backyard for Buster.
6. a very successful design firm, owned, managed and run by moi, from home, (to be more specific, from my ultra cool mini design-firm/ business office, that I have personally decorated, and detached from my 4000 square foot house)...
7. a baby...I think....(more baby-room design ideas to come later, I've hatched several)
8. time to stay home with my husband and step-son
9. the ability to cook a flawless dinner for my fantastic friends
10. a halloween party for the little guy, equipt with a pseudo haunted house, and scary cupcake treats...I've been obsessing over the cooking magazine racks in line at the grocery store these days...
11. a massage, manicure, pedicure
12. the chance to catch up on my laudry without having to actually wash it and fold it myself
13. the loss of about 15 pounds...
14. 3x's / week meeting with my personal trainer...
15. to win last night's super lotto
16. to live much much closer to my sister, brother-in-law and family
17. to have one last conversation with Nonna.
18. to make sure my folks are taken care of (financially)
19. to love what I do for work...
20. to have time in the morning to make my family a great breakfast, take the little guy to school, and to work out regularly...


okay, there are many more "wants" I am sure, but I want to be careful how I construct them, because I do believe that what you put out into the universe really does come back to you...

so, let's just say, I am going to sit patiently and wait for these good things to happen, because I belive they really will. In the meantime, I just keep reminding myself, that as each hour passes, I am getting closer to what I am going to get in the future. Call me naieve, but I think these things are going to come to pass, sooner rather than later.

The Diamond in the Rough

I forgot to mention the one diamond in the rough today..My husband...

Me: "I was just calling to say hello, and see how you were doing.."
Him: "Hello, I am doing okay, how 'bout you?"
Me: "Eh, just frustrated, bad communication around here"
Me:"so whats on your agenda tonight?"
Him:"I am going to go home after this, and spend some quality time...with my wife"
Me:"hmm. okay, gotta go, I'll see you later."

Not that this was much, but it made me feel good...I still forget sometimes, slip and use my maiden name, sometimes call him my fiance...But damn...

I am somone's wife...

tee-hee..

Ok Damnit

I have decided to start blogging more. I am going to blog until my poor little fingers are sore. I am going to blog all the frustration and desire to stuff my face with unhealthy food....

Yes, Famous Amos, those are the last of you. I just polished off a bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with chicken strips a little earlier. I know why though, my lunch was too salad heavy and didn't have enough protein, so I got the munchies....What was strange was that I felt the worst stomach pains after lunch, and well, had to run to the loo...I don't know what it could've been, maybe my salad??

So, I am determined to get better at this. I have been keeping in too many feelings...I hate bottling shit up and then just letting go, usually at my own expense..

Last night, I took the pooch running at about 9:30. It felt so good to run and feel free. He and I do really well together in the evnings. Mind you ocassionally I get tripped up and he gets knotted around a bumper. lol, I have a hard time seeing at night I guess. Today, I have to do something active as well.

How do you find motivation when you're at work early, and leave late? Lunch is out of the question because there is too little time to do anything...

I guess I am pretty agro with my boss too. She is very unorganized and makes these ridiculous requests. Now I am getting better at managing my anger, and not eating so much. I guess today I ate because I was actually hungry. I just made the wrong choices..
I am little frazzled about $$ too. I actually forgot to pay rent this month..I am still playing catch-up after the wedding expense crunch, and I just got the little paycheck I was expecting...Since my retarded-ass boss, decided at the last minute to not give me the time off I needed for the wedding...So what was I to do? I took unpaid time off, which hurt this month. But we're recovering...It just makes me think, usually my mind goes off during my am commute...

This morning, I realized that I should be looking for two new jobs instead of one. One to pay for household bills, and the other to pay for everything else...

I heard about this suspension bridge in China where it was a popluar place to jump. One man, (in an NPR interview) wanted to jump because he had no money left and didn't know what to do. He worked and worked, but just didn't make enough...Not that I want to die or anything, but I can understand the grief and stress he must be feeling...I understand not having enough, hating where you have to be every morning, and then hating yourself for letting things get so bad..

Ha! And I wonder why I am getting fatter....

When I was skinny

I was sucha lil snot
I didn't have to hold my breath in
and my t-shirts I could knot.

I was a lot nicer to everyone around me,
I didn't eat garbage like, starchy food and candy
I had a way of holding up my head
now I just sigh heavily and pull the sheets o'r my head.

It sometimes makes me sad
to think of the body
and the tush that I had.
I was strong and lean
a cardio machine
back in the days of yore...

Now that I feel fat
and feel grossness of my
body starting to sag.
I am overcome with grief
and stricken underneath
when I look at body
that once wasn't so bad.

"It's STRESS!" I declare
as my wardrobe taunts me
with sheek tiny slacks
that I no longer wear.

"But, it's only ten pounds!" You state in anguish
doesn't matter at this point,
as I am crabby and famished,
from all the stupid diets
I fail at, and later seeth in my quiet
despair and self-loathing....

I run, and I lift, with Speedie's and with Biff's
and don't make a dent
with my one-day a week, schedule, Oh yes, I'm bent.

"It's the job!" I transpire,
as I tread home to retire.
I sit my ass down, and momentarily conspire,
to somehow pull myself out of this mire..