Yes, I want more. Who doesn't? I believe in me. I believe in a greater God. I believe that all things are possible. With the right attitude and a lot of faith. What comes into your life sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, is not of your control. You can control your little solar system within you, but your external environment. No way. That is not coming from you. Yes. You heard me correctly. God does that. That's his deal. What you chose to do with it is up to you. Now, this morning I had a revelation. I decided that I want more. I want the moon, if I could reach it, I'd take it. Just like Shel Silverstein said, he's makin' a moon catchin' net tonight. But it's not just the moon I am going after, it will be the stars, little planets, and all of the above.
All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.
I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.
I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."
So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.
It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.
Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.
The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.
Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
An Ode to The Past
I see you on the screen
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta
(translation: Life isn't all bad..or ugly) at least for now. I find myself in a not-so-dismal place right now. I am happy. The house purchase is moving along, although I could strangle my MIA (second) broker right now...(deep breaths - resuming yoga-like calmness)
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Eye of the Storm
I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
Friday, October 12, 2007
House projects, craft projects, and more house projects
"Design on a dime?" Check. "Sell this house?" check. "My house is worth what?" check. "Color correction" check.. basically you can spew off all the HGTV programs, and I am either watching them, or getting ready to. I like to keep myself as busy as possible. I don't like too much down time. The occasional yoga class or massage is nice, but generally I have a pretty upbeat tempo. I don't, however like to wake up early on the weekends, if I can at all avoid it.
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
New Beginnings
I think it's been a while since I actually post something positive. Today, I feel happy. Hubby has been gone this weekend (not that I am happy he's gone or anything..Just happy he's off doing something that makes him feel good.) It's been just me and the little guy. I forget how much I love to spend time with him. He's growing so fast, and asks such adult questions sometimes. When I am with him, I feel like I definitely need to be the grown up, and protect him no matter what. I try to give him his space, and remember that he's a child. It's not as hard as it seems, and during golden moments, it's nothing short of a moment with my own son. I know he's not my own child, but sometimes, I feel like he is. I wish he were.
Anyhow, yesterday we took my folks out for my Mom's 60th birthday. I had this great "birthday picnic" planned, starting with a quick jaunt over to a townhouse that I wanted to look at. I dragged my folks and the little guy out there with me, (which isn't far from where we live now) and I was so plesantly surprized! I loved it. It's small and of course like most bay area housing priced accordingly to where we live...(which means a lot for those living outside of CA) Amusingly, I watch HGTV and just wanna jump off a bridge when I see the gargantuan houses at the prices the buyers are buying them for, and watching them squak about the prices!!!! It's actually totally ridiculous. Anyhow..not to dampen this glorius moment or anything...but I LOVED this aforementioned place. It was cute, sunny, decently priced (considering) had all the rooms / bathrooms I wanted, but apparently had some inspection issues, so I will need to delve a little deeper. But I think we might want to make an offer, I know hubby will love it too. My folks loved it too, which was a little shocking to me. My Mom, will love whatever I love, she will always find something positive about it. My Dad, however is the opposite. He will usually find something wrong with it and warn me against it. This time though, they both loved it. The little guy skipped around discovering little dreams of his own, living there. Worried about which high school this would land him at I am sure, but quite excited nonetheless. Or maybe I was just so bubbly with excitement that I read it everywhere I looked??
After that, we went to Vasona park, which was my master plan the whole time. We got totally lost trying to find it, and FINALLY after much low-blood sugar/ driving-lost tension we stumbled onto the parking lot of my favorite park. I had visions of my Dad and the little guy riding the little train together, my Mom and I smiling, sprawled out on the grass in the shade...and come to find out....IT WAS CLOSED! Due to this gigantoid fire in the vicinity, it was being used as a Firefighter central command station....I mean c'mon guys..Labor day weekend, couldn't they find another 100 acre wood elsewhere in the million dollar hills to reconvene? Cursing under my breath, and trying to keep a smile on my face. I whizzed off back to our hometown, to a downgraded park with palm trees, a funny little blue pond, and lots and lots of grass for running, sprawling, croquet, and frisbee.
On Friday I bought this amazing super duper fast frisbee, for oh, $10. It was so amazing that only after a few minutes of tossing it around, it landed itself into the funny little pond and sunk straight to the bottom...Sigh...At this point, I gave up control, or lack there of it...
We wrapped up the night with a viewing of "Balls of Fire" which turned out to be stupidly funny, and mildly entertaining. It kept the little guy, my Mom and Dad giggling, so that's all the really mattered to me. AND Mom actually stayed awake! So I think I might've picked a winner.
Overall, it was a great day. I can't help but fantasize about being a homeowner, with our own home, and an extra room for **the baby** or future baby I should say. But still, even actually seeing another room for a potential office is music to my ears, I am so tired of having my desk in the living room for all the world to see, or balk at since I have been a disorganized pig for the last 4 years or so. I don't know what happened. Maybe I got lazy? Maybe I am too tired to clean, I don't know. I just know that trying to keep everything in its neat little place just isn't working out here, since we're rapidly running out of space. Here too, I have given up control. I just try to keep a close watch on that ever-growing mammoth pile of laundry over there in that corner...I don't mind the washing, its the folding that gets me....
I don't want to get my hopes of owning this **perfect little home** but I can't help it. We've already made offers and have been out-bid two other times. Let's not get me started on the real estate market around here, I really don't feel like crying in my coffee right now...Let's let visions of sugarplums dance through my head...At least until Thursday at noon, when the seller starts taking offers...
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Ex....
Do you ever have moments, when you wonder, just how in the hell you ended up knowing someone, say for example, a completely retarded, and inexcusably lame ex-wife? Today, is one of those days. It's been a while since I've had to bitch about her. But today, I just can't take her bullshit anymore. She lies, and she's a really sad excuse of a mother. It makes me so so sad for the little guy..In fact, I feel like crying for him right now. Actually, I really just feel like beating her with my rolling pin, or a shoe. She totally doesn't value his tender young age, and the time that she has with him.
I sometimes wish I could shake her and make her realize just how stupid she is being. I almost want to have a baby just to spite her stupidity and show her how it's really done...Hubby has more than he can handle right now. Man this sucks, she sucks the biggest one of them all.
Monday, August 20, 2007
fresh apples - BLEH
This morning, after rolling out of bed, quite late, I realized that hmm, maybe I've gotten a tad overweight, and yes, maybe I should start south-beaching again...I don't know, I really am a pill when I cut sugar out, and since I don't do artificial sweetner anymore, it's gotten really challenging, minus the migraines...
So I barreled into work, ten minutes early for our regularly scheduled staff meetings, (woo-hoo) I made myself a cappucino, and threw my egg whites in the fridge. An hour later (after being randomly selected to be on a team, and start video editing) I decided I needed some sugar..so..I heated the carefully prepared egg whites, and rinsed off a fresh granny smith apple a co-worker brought from an apple tree gone wild at his house.. Yumm, freshly-home-grown apples. Of course, I am here waiting for my egg whites, dreaming of apple pies, apple bread, apple butter, apple tart..all the wonderful things I could "wow" my co-workers with. After a few bites, I look down, and realize I've chomped into a small brown hole....(the egg whites finish, and the microwave buzzes, as if it's three thousand miles away) I reach for a knife, to a lurking account manager's dismay, I cracked the little sucker in half and learn that yes, it was a worm hole once, and that it mysteriously led to a larger brown hole filled with gunk....DAMNIT..I grab my egg whites, heaving, imagining a worm dancing in my stomach and head back to my cube..DAMNIT again.
Onto lunch. Yay, team outing!!! I love my team, but I don't love how "masculine" they eat...my passing thought about how quickily I've gained 10 lbs, and how mabye I should have salads for the rest of my life, goes to the wind, because they chose to have lunch at "Clarks" DAMNIT. So I order a bleu cheese burger, they order a basket of community fries and ohh, lookee here, our waitress screwed up our order, and gave us a free basket of onion rings.. OMG, is this a joke?!
DAMN DAMN DAMN
So I eat it, most of it...I join in on the grease fest, and then vow to myself that I will run everyday this week, despite the incriminating results my x-ray will produce today during my chiropractic exam...
Damn apples..
So I barreled into work, ten minutes early for our regularly scheduled staff meetings, (woo-hoo) I made myself a cappucino, and threw my egg whites in the fridge. An hour later (after being randomly selected to be on a team, and start video editing) I decided I needed some sugar..so..I heated the carefully prepared egg whites, and rinsed off a fresh granny smith apple a co-worker brought from an apple tree gone wild at his house.. Yumm, freshly-home-grown apples. Of course, I am here waiting for my egg whites, dreaming of apple pies, apple bread, apple butter, apple tart..all the wonderful things I could "wow" my co-workers with. After a few bites, I look down, and realize I've chomped into a small brown hole....(the egg whites finish, and the microwave buzzes, as if it's three thousand miles away) I reach for a knife, to a lurking account manager's dismay, I cracked the little sucker in half and learn that yes, it was a worm hole once, and that it mysteriously led to a larger brown hole filled with gunk....DAMNIT..I grab my egg whites, heaving, imagining a worm dancing in my stomach and head back to my cube..DAMNIT again.
Onto lunch. Yay, team outing!!! I love my team, but I don't love how "masculine" they eat...my passing thought about how quickily I've gained 10 lbs, and how mabye I should have salads for the rest of my life, goes to the wind, because they chose to have lunch at "Clarks" DAMNIT. So I order a bleu cheese burger, they order a basket of community fries and ohh, lookee here, our waitress screwed up our order, and gave us a free basket of onion rings.. OMG, is this a joke?!
DAMN DAMN DAMN
So I eat it, most of it...I join in on the grease fest, and then vow to myself that I will run everyday this week, despite the incriminating results my x-ray will produce today during my chiropractic exam...
Damn apples..
Friday, August 10, 2007
5:02:03 *Wildflower*
It just dawned on me that I never wrote about this event.. This took place on Saturday, May 5th 2007
I've never pushed my body more than I did yesterday. It was great, it was humbling, and I hope to do it again, maybe even again next year... Pictures to come after they've been developed...Forgot my camera (doh!)Final time was 5 hours, 2 minutes and 3 seconds. I had hoped to do it in 4 hours. But I am okay with my timing. I worked my ass off.
Above are a few photos at the beginning of my swim. The reason you can't see me is because I was one in about 7 thousand athletes this weekend that participated.
Here's the breakdown according to my own timing: (these are rough estimates, I kept forgetting to turn off my stop watch before I got to the transition area)So these are from memory and not totally accurate.
swim (.93 miles) = 1 hour 5 minutes (this transition was the longest, getting out of a wetsuit and into biking gear is very tedious)
bike (25.2 miles) = 2 hours 20 minutes (had a few close calls, with some downhill high speeds, but made it through without eating gravel)
run (6.2 miles) = 1 hour 10 minutes (not totally sure on this timing, I never knew I could be so tired, I could barely run downhill)
my transitions took me longer than I expected 5 - 10 minutes each or so.. I was all over the place!
It was awesome. I am sore today but soo very humbled. There were handicapped folks with only two arms, no legs, or one leg, people of all types that competed. Overall, I have to say the support of my team is what really got me through it. As much of a pill as I was during the training season, their encouragement helped enormously. The frosting on the cake was seeing my sweet husbands face as I got out of the water trying to take my photo, and finally when I crossed the finish line. My parents were sooo sweet too cheering me on. The enormity of the whole thing was mind blowing, and how much it really makes you value your health and blessings. They all gleamed when I came across the line, and it made me feel so good. But the last person I ran to was Michael. It was great. The feeling I got is inexplicable. (it was the a combination of wanting to laugh, cry, and throwing myself back into the lake to cool off all at the same time)
There were old people (79 I think was the oldest) and young people (12 year old girl) that completed the whole course. And then the bulk of us 25-40 age range.
I will never forget this weekend. How hard I pushed myself, and how much harder I CAN push myself.
There have only been a few personal challenges that I am very proud of, now to add to my list
1. Raising over $3k for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
2. Actually being able to classify myself as a "tri-athlete"
3. Climbing Half Dome. (which now seems like such a small feat)
my next venture...to complete a full marathon before 40. I want to get back into weight training and tone up a bit first. (I actually considered going running today...until I realized that I need to let my body catch up with my brain.)But for today.. I think I've earned a day off :)
I've never pushed my body more than I did yesterday. It was great, it was humbling, and I hope to do it again, maybe even again next year... Pictures to come after they've been developed...Forgot my camera (doh!)Final time was 5 hours, 2 minutes and 3 seconds. I had hoped to do it in 4 hours. But I am okay with my timing. I worked my ass off.
Above are a few photos at the beginning of my swim. The reason you can't see me is because I was one in about 7 thousand athletes this weekend that participated.
Here's the breakdown according to my own timing: (these are rough estimates, I kept forgetting to turn off my stop watch before I got to the transition area)So these are from memory and not totally accurate.
swim (.93 miles) = 1 hour 5 minutes (this transition was the longest, getting out of a wetsuit and into biking gear is very tedious)
bike (25.2 miles) = 2 hours 20 minutes (had a few close calls, with some downhill high speeds, but made it through without eating gravel)
run (6.2 miles) = 1 hour 10 minutes (not totally sure on this timing, I never knew I could be so tired, I could barely run downhill)
my transitions took me longer than I expected 5 - 10 minutes each or so.. I was all over the place!
It was awesome. I am sore today but soo very humbled. There were handicapped folks with only two arms, no legs, or one leg, people of all types that competed. Overall, I have to say the support of my team is what really got me through it. As much of a pill as I was during the training season, their encouragement helped enormously. The frosting on the cake was seeing my sweet husbands face as I got out of the water trying to take my photo, and finally when I crossed the finish line. My parents were sooo sweet too cheering me on. The enormity of the whole thing was mind blowing, and how much it really makes you value your health and blessings. They all gleamed when I came across the line, and it made me feel so good. But the last person I ran to was Michael. It was great. The feeling I got is inexplicable. (it was the a combination of wanting to laugh, cry, and throwing myself back into the lake to cool off all at the same time)
There were old people (79 I think was the oldest) and young people (12 year old girl) that completed the whole course. And then the bulk of us 25-40 age range.
I will never forget this weekend. How hard I pushed myself, and how much harder I CAN push myself.
There have only been a few personal challenges that I am very proud of, now to add to my list
1. Raising over $3k for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
2. Actually being able to classify myself as a "tri-athlete"
3. Climbing Half Dome. (which now seems like such a small feat)
my next venture...to complete a full marathon before 40. I want to get back into weight training and tone up a bit first. (I actually considered going running today...until I realized that I need to let my body catch up with my brain.)But for today.. I think I've earned a day off :)
Friday, May 25, 2007
F**king Day
Looking at old photos,
reminiscing about the past
looking at the way I used to look
I want my old face back
I want my old body back.
I hate the way I feel now. It sucks. I want this day to F**king end already.
It's been a hard day. I have been waiting on pins and needles, I am tired. I can't believe I was ever so thin. What did I do, why have I become like this? What do I need to do to get back to what I was. I feel like I've lost my path, my direction, and I have let myself go.
reminiscing about the past
looking at the way I used to look
I want my old face back
I want my old body back.
I hate the way I feel now. It sucks. I want this day to F**king end already.
It's been a hard day. I have been waiting on pins and needles, I am tired. I can't believe I was ever so thin. What did I do, why have I become like this? What do I need to do to get back to what I was. I feel like I've lost my path, my direction, and I have let myself go.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Heartache
I got to spend some very quality time with my family this past weekend. And OMG my newphew is the cutest thing on earth. It's Monday and I am already missing him...Thursday they leave to go back to the UK and I dread just thinking about it...
I will see them again in July. Hubby and I have been designated God parents to the little guy. I can't wait until July....
I didn't think my heart would ache so badly.
This scares me a little...Am I grown up enough to have my own? and why am I so scared to love something so much....
If this is how I feel about my sister's baby, how will I feel about mine?
The hard part is, this little cutie was VERY anticipated. He was her 5th pregnancy (she lost 4 before him) so we all waited for him holding our breath....He is extremely special to all of us...
They're coming into town (from staying at my parent's house for two weeks) tonight, and I might see them tomorrow night...Oh lord, I can't wait....
I am sucha sap.
I will see them again in July. Hubby and I have been designated God parents to the little guy. I can't wait until July....
I didn't think my heart would ache so badly.
This scares me a little...Am I grown up enough to have my own? and why am I so scared to love something so much....
If this is how I feel about my sister's baby, how will I feel about mine?
The hard part is, this little cutie was VERY anticipated. He was her 5th pregnancy (she lost 4 before him) so we all waited for him holding our breath....He is extremely special to all of us...
They're coming into town (from staying at my parent's house for two weeks) tonight, and I might see them tomorrow night...Oh lord, I can't wait....
I am sucha sap.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Hear me Roar
I really can't stand nights that are planned to be fun, and turn out like crap. Last night was a prime example, went to the movies, had a quick bite to eat. and then came home and fought...I totally hate that...I know I took this scuffle a tad too far, but I think my reasoning was ligit... This time, I was tired, worn out from feeling like I am doing shit for everyone all the time, and the most aggrivating, is ALONE.
I understand wanting to come home and poop out for a while and just decompress, but when crap is starting to pile up, mail needs to be opened, dishes to be clean, laundry to be folded, dinner to be made, chores set aside for the workplace. I feel soooo distressed. I love having my job and working with the people that I do, I just wish I had more time to do personal things and a little more help...I think I have a few answers to my own rant though...
Goal #1
Get a cleaning person... I can't justify this more. there simply isn't enough time in the day to do all the crap that accumulates in my house. Caring for one or two is a different story, but three, sand maybe someday four..I don't think so..
Goal #2
Get TiVo. Nuf said..Too much time is wasted in front of the tube, no matter how much laundry folding gets accomplished. I am really sick of being a the tv networks mercy for their stupid schedules...
I need to go, I have to take time off work to get my damned oil changed....I think I need a little vacay from all this....
I understand wanting to come home and poop out for a while and just decompress, but when crap is starting to pile up, mail needs to be opened, dishes to be clean, laundry to be folded, dinner to be made, chores set aside for the workplace. I feel soooo distressed. I love having my job and working with the people that I do, I just wish I had more time to do personal things and a little more help...I think I have a few answers to my own rant though...
Goal #1
Get a cleaning person... I can't justify this more. there simply isn't enough time in the day to do all the crap that accumulates in my house. Caring for one or two is a different story, but three, sand maybe someday four..I don't think so..
Goal #2
Get TiVo. Nuf said..Too much time is wasted in front of the tube, no matter how much laundry folding gets accomplished. I am really sick of being a the tv networks mercy for their stupid schedules...
I need to go, I have to take time off work to get my damned oil changed....I think I need a little vacay from all this....
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
All things baby
Damnit. It's that time of year again. When all I see is all things baby. I even had enough nerve to call our benefits person to drill her about maternity leave and all that it entitles. What is with me...Is this what 31 is doing to me?? I swear I oogle, and coo at everything that resembles an infant. Even little dogs.. Maybe this has to do with Ray's passing. I dunno. But I swear I can taste the little dumplings cheeks as I hold it near me. Any anti-child person with a right mind would definitely coin me as crazy. Maybe it's parental pressure? I don't think so though. My mother and I literally have already mapped out daycare plans for this little person. BUT I SWEAR THERE IS NO LITTLE PERSON. At least not conceived..not yet..
It must be talking to my baby-fied sister. Who can't get enough of her little angel who is now in the "waving" stages. He waves at everyone and everything, cats, people, the wind. He waved the other day because he knew he was busted. So he proceeded to wave with one hand in effort to distract mommy from the big trouble he was in..Exactly what he did, I am not sure of. I DO know that he has become quite comfortable opening the oven...
(sigh) all that, and yes, I still want one or two. Twins preferably. Call me crazy but I have always wanted to little ones together. In separable so they will neither ever be alone. No matter what happens to me or the honey or the current little guy.. No gals here at my office are preggers yet. I think I might be the first..Not sure. But it feels like I might be sooner rather than later...It's all I can think about. There is a twinge little tiny spark in all this fluff that I call my mind that envelopes a little satchel of fear. Like maybe I am not ready financially..What if I will look like "night-of-the-living-dead" everyday due to lack of sleep.!? What if I amount to the size of very rotund woman if I can't lose the baby fat. I can't even lose the fat I have now!
So yeah, I guess I still have my doubts. The ex-monster even asked me when we were planning to do this. Although I think her reasoning was more paranoia and insecurity-driven than asking out of genuine concern or curiosity. Still I don't care about her. Well, I care when she pisses me off. but ick, out, get out of my brain, I don't want her in this post...Barf, gag, purge, okay, out she goes...
I am not crazy. I am premenstrual. I just need to keep chanting that, maybe I will believe it, if I say it enough times...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
bubba
It's been three weeks today since we put the kitty to sleep, and I still miss him like crazy. I don't cry anymore, now I am just sad about it. I thought we might be happier if we got another cat, but it's just not the same...I miss him...
Friday, January 26, 2007
Reaching New Heights
I seem to have reached a new height with my workouts. I don't know exactly what it is. I guess I broke a barrier, or mental block I had put firmly in place for myself for the better part of a few years. A long time ago I was able to run for 10 miles. I am not quite there yet, nor do I strive to be. But I did manage to do a full 6 miles. I got so emotional throughout my run, I felt like crying, laughing, I was all over the place! All the while listening to my ipod! I trained sooo hard. Then today, in a moment of mental weakness I broke down and ate and ate and ate. Chocolate. I don't know why this is my comfort food...Maybe because I got scared with how well I really did, and I sorta secretly sabotaged myself?? I don't know. At least now I don't really think too much about the workouts, I just do them. I've been targeting 7 days a week. I managed to do 6 last week, and will do 6 again this week.
Our Team in Training official kickoff is this Saturday. I still have $2100 left to raise. Which I think I will pull off somehow. Tonight is supposed to be my off day, but I missed my Tuesday workout. (Wasn't feeling too well) But I am meeting with my personal trainer tonight. I am excited, he's good, just talks a lot sometimes...
Wow, I need to run, I am going to be late if I don't leave now!! TGIF.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Training Blues
Lord, who knew that training AND fund-raising would be so difficult? Not only am I pushing myself physically more than I ever have, everyday, but I am living with the anxiety of not being able to raise enough money by my deadline. The schedule may not seem like much to those who are athletically gifted, but to an artist by trade, and daughter of Italians (I am touching on all the food I am inclined to eat without a moments hesitation) it's been quite a stretch for me. Mind you all this stuff happens after a full business day, and pre or post step-mommy responsibilities.. (which thankfully for my ROCKSTAR husband, have been few these days)
Monday: run 30-60 min.
Tuesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Wednesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Thursday: run 60 min.
Friday: (I am supposed to rest, but have decided to start meeting with my personal trainer to start strength training again)
Saturday: run (not sure duration yet, probably short 30 min run)
Fund-raising...ARG! I know people seem to have really good intentions, but no one is really ACTING on them...It's discouraging only because I am so heavily involved now. The only money in my online donation site is the $25 I donated to myself! (lol, it's starting to make me feel a little hopeless) However....I did notice people taking my url-tear off- thingies from the flyers I have posted at every Starbucks imaginable...Okay, so I only hit 10 or 12 places last night..but it's really interesting to see how different people treat you when you're asking for money. I didn't buy coffe, just made a complete ass of myself for trying to stick tacks onto a magnetic board..Hey, no one said you had to be a genius to do this!
Good thing about all this is, I have been sleeping like a hibernating bear. Bad thing is, I am out like a light by 10:30 or 11. poor hubby.
My toes really hurt today, lol, not my feet but my toes..Hmm and my abs to. My trainer nearly strangled me when I told him what I am planning. Not because he doesn't believe in me, but because he's visualizing all sorts of muscle tears and sprains.
Ah well, thank god it's Friday, at least I get to sleep in tomorrow and resume my knitting / crocheting bonanza. I think I am going to try and sell my scarves to help raise some dough...
Dough...hmm, cookies anyone?? I think I smell a bake sale..
Monday: run 30-60 min.
Tuesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Wednesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Thursday: run 60 min.
Friday: (I am supposed to rest, but have decided to start meeting with my personal trainer to start strength training again)
Saturday: run (not sure duration yet, probably short 30 min run)
Fund-raising...ARG! I know people seem to have really good intentions, but no one is really ACTING on them...It's discouraging only because I am so heavily involved now. The only money in my online donation site is the $25 I donated to myself! (lol, it's starting to make me feel a little hopeless) However....I did notice people taking my url-tear off- thingies from the flyers I have posted at every Starbucks imaginable...Okay, so I only hit 10 or 12 places last night..but it's really interesting to see how different people treat you when you're asking for money. I didn't buy coffe, just made a complete ass of myself for trying to stick tacks onto a magnetic board..Hey, no one said you had to be a genius to do this!
Good thing about all this is, I have been sleeping like a hibernating bear. Bad thing is, I am out like a light by 10:30 or 11. poor hubby.
My toes really hurt today, lol, not my feet but my toes..Hmm and my abs to. My trainer nearly strangled me when I told him what I am planning. Not because he doesn't believe in me, but because he's visualizing all sorts of muscle tears and sprains.
Ah well, thank god it's Friday, at least I get to sleep in tomorrow and resume my knitting / crocheting bonanza. I think I am going to try and sell my scarves to help raise some dough...
Dough...hmm, cookies anyone?? I think I smell a bake sale..
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Team in Training -YIKES!!
Okay, call me "CRAZY"!!! I have decided to try and complete my first triathlon. My first meeting is this weekend. I have to figure out how much money I can commit to raising for Team in Training and if I am faint at heart...It goes to a very worthwhile cause..I will raises funds that will go toward research for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease, and related cancers. Seeing that I've had family members that have passed away due to cancer and that currently live with cancer, this means quite a bit to me. This is more than just a race.
Initially I never thought I could do something like this until one of my very brave co-workers reeled me in. I will be participating in 0.93-mile open water swim, 24.8-mile bike ride, and then round it off with a 6.2-mile run. I am nervous as hell, but feel confident that my excitement will propel me through. Plus, it will be nice to get in shape for such a good reason!
If you're reading this blog right now, and are a friend of mine, you may get hit up for a donation. I guess this meeting will be very telling this weekend. I am pretty amped about it, and can't wait to see what they say. This isn't a full triathlon, I think it's half, but nonetheless, I want my future kids to know that Mommy kicked some ass before they were born. :D
God help me!
Monday, January 08, 2007
For the kitty
Dear Bubba,
I am so sorry we had to put you to sleep this morning. Your papa and I had a really rough time with this. My head is still pounding from all the tears that escaped. We were supposed to do this on Christmas Eve. But we fought it, feeling that you still had more spunk in you. You did. But you've faded quickly. After 18 years of life, which is a nice long life for a kitty, today marks the day of your death.
Last night was a very rough night for you. You meowed at all hours of the night. The bags under my eyes are very big today, and the sorrow in my heart is heavy. After I woke up and found you in the condition you were in, it wasn't difficult to make the decision. I don't want you to suffer anymore. You were very quiet on the way to the Humane Society. I think you knew what was going on. You were a great cat even to the very last moment.
Little guy is going to be very upset tonight. He doesn't know yet. He will miss you the most. He was your boy for 11 years. As far as we were concerned you belonged "to him". This is just another difficult step that I am going to have to learn to take as his step-mommy. We will be there for him, and be strong as much as we both miss you. I was told that when I said goodbye to you this morning that you took the whole thing well. You purred all the way to the very end.
You weren't my kitty from the very start, but you made me feel like you were right away. You loved me so unconditionally. I will never forget what a sweet cat you were, and there will always be special spot in my heart for you.
I hope that you make it up to kitty heaven and watch us from there. Buster already misses you and is acting strange. It's going to be hard getting used to not seeing you anymore.
I love you.
Your Mama
S
I am so sorry we had to put you to sleep this morning. Your papa and I had a really rough time with this. My head is still pounding from all the tears that escaped. We were supposed to do this on Christmas Eve. But we fought it, feeling that you still had more spunk in you. You did. But you've faded quickly. After 18 years of life, which is a nice long life for a kitty, today marks the day of your death.
Last night was a very rough night for you. You meowed at all hours of the night. The bags under my eyes are very big today, and the sorrow in my heart is heavy. After I woke up and found you in the condition you were in, it wasn't difficult to make the decision. I don't want you to suffer anymore. You were very quiet on the way to the Humane Society. I think you knew what was going on. You were a great cat even to the very last moment.
Little guy is going to be very upset tonight. He doesn't know yet. He will miss you the most. He was your boy for 11 years. As far as we were concerned you belonged "to him". This is just another difficult step that I am going to have to learn to take as his step-mommy. We will be there for him, and be strong as much as we both miss you. I was told that when I said goodbye to you this morning that you took the whole thing well. You purred all the way to the very end.
You weren't my kitty from the very start, but you made me feel like you were right away. You loved me so unconditionally. I will never forget what a sweet cat you were, and there will always be special spot in my heart for you.
I hope that you make it up to kitty heaven and watch us from there. Buster already misses you and is acting strange. It's going to be hard getting used to not seeing you anymore.
I love you.
Your Mama
S
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