Friday, October 26, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
An Ode to The Past
I see you on the screen
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta
(translation: Life isn't all bad..or ugly) at least for now. I find myself in a not-so-dismal place right now. I am happy. The house purchase is moving along, although I could strangle my MIA (second) broker right now...(deep breaths - resuming yoga-like calmness)
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Eye of the Storm
I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
Friday, October 12, 2007
House projects, craft projects, and more house projects
"Design on a dime?" Check. "Sell this house?" check. "My house is worth what?" check. "Color correction" check.. basically you can spew off all the HGTV programs, and I am either watching them, or getting ready to. I like to keep myself as busy as possible. I don't like too much down time. The occasional yoga class or massage is nice, but generally I have a pretty upbeat tempo. I don't, however like to wake up early on the weekends, if I can at all avoid it.
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
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