To contract, or not to contract....

So I've been toying with the idea of being a full time contractor. For some reason, this option (if I were to take it at Cisco) kind of quells my fears about committing to a place that I might be unhappy at. Also, this will give me some time to get a grip on the job situation at Apple. Seeing that I might need to hang out for a while longer...I mean, if the pay is good, and I am working on my own terms, why not? I feel better about this. More hopeful. Like I am accepting an opportunity, but not closing all the doors. This might actually work out for me...

I made an apple pie tonight. I must say, I f-ing rocked it. It was sooo good. I watched "The Secret" today. And for some reason, it always urges me to do what I love to do, and that is cook. I haven't picked up the sewing book in a while. I am scared to f-up my fleece mittens. I've got the hat nailed down, but man the mittens are killing me.

I am peeling like crazy. That's what I get for going to the beach last week and literally getting toasted all day. :D It was good for me, I never do stuff like that and I really needed to let go. It was pretty funny, here I am running around in my bikini around gals I used to work with. It was great. I surprised myself in the fact that I was okay with this. Normally my harsh inner critic doesn't show any skin, if I can avoid it. But after a few fuzzy navels and glass of wine in cheap plastic cups, I kicked inhibition to the curb. I must say, I am proud of myself for handling my feelings the way I have been. I have ups and downs, but today, they've been more up. I get depressed sometimes, but now I know what to do when I start to get scared. I think it's made me closer to my husband too. I can see the need now for more harmony in our lives. Now, more than ever it's been really important for me to feel close to him. Sometimes though, I am just not there 100%. I don't know why, I think I am just caught up in the "what is going to happen with my life next?" moment...I ran yesterday, that was good. I am glad I went, it lifted my spirits and my heart rate, which I desperately needed.

I am getting tired. (first time this week, that I am tired before 12 or 1) so I am going to jump at the chance to hit the hay a little earlier.

nighty night.

It's unbelievable how you come to the realization at a much later date, that when things change, you'll do whatever you can to change them back. If you're like me at all, and you don't adapt to change very well, it's almost like dying a painful death. I was on my way out of my old job when I got caught off guard and got laid off. Now it feels like nothing is really as it seems. And although I wasn't happy at the time, I've been unexpectedly booted from the nest.



It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..

I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...

My chocolate escapade

(photo is not my actual cookies) So last night I started my first night of "Making the Cut" with Jillian Michaels after the most sweat producing 30 minutes of my life, I of course in denial and stuck in a self-sabotoging behavior cycle decided that I needed to make chocolate chip cookies. Of course, I HAD to test the batter, the chocolate chips and the end result. This was actually a good night, I only had one cookie (snort) I think my premenstrual mania took over..After feeling like a cow for eating so much sugar after my "day 1" workout. I kicked into full gear. Unloading, loading, dishes, folding, washing, drying clothes. Making the bed, paying bills. Ummm, I guess I can't handle chocolate that well. At 12am last night, I am lying in bed, blinking thinking, WTF did I eat? Was it that vitamin? Was it my workout, I CAN'T sleep. Well...Something finally kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up in the same position...

Lesson learned, no more cookies, chocolate or sweets at least until I meet my 20lb weight loss goal..

In the Face of Adversity

Just to give you a little background of what's been going on I am copying a snippet from another blog I wrote to.. (I know cheater that I am)

"So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church..." (posted on Thursday 7/10)


Fast forward to 8am yesterday morning (Friday 7/11)

I am driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I am behind a 2007 Acura MDX. (I guess the driver lives in my neighborhood) We take the same road, to the same Starbucks. He pulls into a parking spot, I pause, then pull in right next to him, trying to make sure he has enough space to get out. He doesn't see me, and swings his door open, right into my passenger door....The biggest fucking dent you've ever seen. (We quickly and uncomfortably exchange info, while his little boy hangs around waiting) he goes into starbucks, I sit in the car debating on telling hubby what just happened...He leaves, I go in for some coffee. Visibly shaken, disgruntled, I get my coffee, and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwhich and leave, late to work now...On the way, I call his insurance company and file a claim, explaining that I was not at fault...Later I find out he's disputing the claim. I go to the garage his insurance wants me to go to, get a quote and photos taken. I leave with a $1700 dollar cloud hanging over my head...Not completely disheartened, cause I know that Apple is going to call! I know they want me!!

Fast forward to 8pm that night...(I didn't get the message until about 10 mintues ago) Apple calls, apologetic about calling so late, but informs me that the job has been placed on hold, due to the Director wanting a more "senior" person for the role, they really liked me and want to keep me in mind for another job, that they don't know when will come available...WTF?! But thanks for understanding...Take care, buh bye...

Friday night 10pm (prior to dreaded Apple voicemail) - hubby and I find out that we forgot his mom's birthday on July 1st. DOH....We look like assholes.

Saturday (12:00pm, prior to hearing the dreaded voicemail from Apple) I am sitting in our bedroom facing the sunlight after having fought with hubby over bullshit chores and things, and maybe because I am feeling a tad bit bitchy..I sit quietly doing my best at trying to tweeze my out-of-control barbarian eyebrows...I tweeze too much, cursing, I give up, sporting the vanilla ice eyebrow, I give up, and just end up drawing them in...So Iook retarded, but whatever...

12:39 pm, I browse the apple site, like a rejected lover, grasping at straws, I try to find the *perfect* job...Giving up, I write the HR people, a sticky sweet, "keep me in mind for future positions, blah blah blah" email...

12:55pm, I sit here at my computer, thinking really? Did all this just really happen all within a 24 hour time frame? Disheartened, and disillusioned.

I think I am going to try to make something...maybe food, maybe a child's gift...Whatever it is, I feel like a complete loser...