Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Kittens...

So, here I am. I am actually contracting. The strange thing is, even though I've been neglecting this blog, I feel more centered and down to earth than I have in a VERY long time. (My absence usually depicts a dip in my ability to verablize the crap I am going through) I am not necessarily in a bad place, but I can see that if I want to make any sort of headway into mommyhood, I will need a full time job, with full time benefits. It's cool, at least I am getting my feet wet and I am desinging again. I didn't realize how much I've missed it. I've been going through a whole gamut of emotions lately. Seeing that it's "the week before" I have to excuse myself, because I am a tad more postal than the other three weeks of the month.

Around the end of August, I had a full panel of bloodwork done. I came to realize that I had borderline high cholesterol, and high thyroid hormones. My doctor made me change my diet / exercise completely. It's been an adjustment, but definitely one for the better. I get up every morning now at 6:15 or 6:30, and workout for about an hour. I then head over to the Cisco cafeteria, where I enjoy my regular eggwhite veggie omelette. It sucks not eating normal dairy or any sort of fatty animal products. But now that I actually think it out loud, it seems kinda gross. Fatty animal products...ick.. I think I am losing weight, my clothes feel a little loser, although the scale isn't changing. I think I need to watch my portion control. Today, I just took what I normally eat, and cut it in half. It was weird at first, but when I noticed that I wasn't a starved maniac. I was cool with it. It will just take some getting used to and a lot more water intake.

I took my measurements, so that will be a good comparison in a few months. What I NEED to do, is take the dreaded "before" picture and then stow it away and then pull it out in 6 months and relish in all my hard work. Working out 6 days a week isn't as bad as it may seem. It only sucks on days like today, where I haven't gotten enough sleep and I am on the verge of ripping someone's head off. At least I've only had one major episode this month. God, I can't wait to be pregnant so I don't have to deal with my stupid premenstrual hormones anymore. Some say it gets worse, but really, can glowing for 9 months out of 12 REALLY be that bad? Ok, so there's morning sickness, and early contractions / labor pains, and the "actual" birth, but will it send raging premenstrual hormones coursing through my veins, making passerby's fear for their safety for about a week? I think not...

Oh yeah, my friend asked me to start writing lyrics for his songs! WAY COOL. I am just a little nervous as to how I will be "perceived" I am a little sensitive about that. I usually just write poetry for my own sanity. But not feeling the need to vent, I am all out of steam! So I guess I will just plug away at it. I am not feeling any one feeling stronger than any other...So this will be interesting. Had he asked me like a month ago, I would have had endless material for him.

Speaking of which...I finally decided to let go of my anger. I forgave my old boss. Chatting with him online really helped me. People keep telling me how it took a big person to do something like that. But really, all I did was listen to my heart. I had to forgive him. Too many things in my life are "right" right now, I can't afford to let that bitter my insides anymore. I have just written it off to "crappy things happen to good people." Life dealt me lemons, so I am making lemonade.

I need to go, I actually have some "work" to do. I am not really motivated to do it. There isn't a huge time constraint like there was at my last job. Jeez, working here has been a walk in the clouds compared to where I've just come from. It's good, less hair is falling out and the whites aren't sprouting quite as quickly as before :D I guess you can say, I am in a good place right now, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I haven't given up hope on Apple. But I am giving myself the freedom to be okay with maybe right now isn't the right time for Apple. But I know in my heart, eventually it will be!

In the Face of Adversity

Just to give you a little background of what's been going on I am copying a snippet from another blog I wrote to.. (I know cheater that I am)

"So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church..." (posted on Thursday 7/10)


Fast forward to 8am yesterday morning (Friday 7/11)

I am driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I am behind a 2007 Acura MDX. (I guess the driver lives in my neighborhood) We take the same road, to the same Starbucks. He pulls into a parking spot, I pause, then pull in right next to him, trying to make sure he has enough space to get out. He doesn't see me, and swings his door open, right into my passenger door....The biggest fucking dent you've ever seen. (We quickly and uncomfortably exchange info, while his little boy hangs around waiting) he goes into starbucks, I sit in the car debating on telling hubby what just happened...He leaves, I go in for some coffee. Visibly shaken, disgruntled, I get my coffee, and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwhich and leave, late to work now...On the way, I call his insurance company and file a claim, explaining that I was not at fault...Later I find out he's disputing the claim. I go to the garage his insurance wants me to go to, get a quote and photos taken. I leave with a $1700 dollar cloud hanging over my head...Not completely disheartened, cause I know that Apple is going to call! I know they want me!!

Fast forward to 8pm that night...(I didn't get the message until about 10 mintues ago) Apple calls, apologetic about calling so late, but informs me that the job has been placed on hold, due to the Director wanting a more "senior" person for the role, they really liked me and want to keep me in mind for another job, that they don't know when will come available...WTF?! But thanks for understanding...Take care, buh bye...

Friday night 10pm (prior to dreaded Apple voicemail) - hubby and I find out that we forgot his mom's birthday on July 1st. DOH....We look like assholes.

Saturday (12:00pm, prior to hearing the dreaded voicemail from Apple) I am sitting in our bedroom facing the sunlight after having fought with hubby over bullshit chores and things, and maybe because I am feeling a tad bit bitchy..I sit quietly doing my best at trying to tweeze my out-of-control barbarian eyebrows...I tweeze too much, cursing, I give up, sporting the vanilla ice eyebrow, I give up, and just end up drawing them in...So Iook retarded, but whatever...

12:39 pm, I browse the apple site, like a rejected lover, grasping at straws, I try to find the *perfect* job...Giving up, I write the HR people, a sticky sweet, "keep me in mind for future positions, blah blah blah" email...

12:55pm, I sit here at my computer, thinking really? Did all this just really happen all within a 24 hour time frame? Disheartened, and disillusioned.

I think I am going to try to make something...maybe food, maybe a child's gift...Whatever it is, I feel like a complete loser...

Joy

So, I've taken a small survey of what Joy means to people. Not just ordinary people, but the people I really care about. I have been wondering about this, because it can mean so many things to so many people..So I was wondering what the word "joy" means to other people. To me, it means, a momentary flutter of my heart. It's when I know that my soul, my mind, my heart, and my spirit are all connected. .

Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)

Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:

When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.

Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:

When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.

Joy by my definition means:

Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."

Ryan T:
"Elation"

Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)

Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!

So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."


Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"

It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?

Love you all.
SU

"There is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou

How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.

There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.

Maybe if I show you with pictures?

Hope

I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.

My Moon Catching Net

Yes, I want more. Who doesn't? I believe in me. I believe in a greater God. I believe that all things are possible. With the right attitude and a lot of faith. What comes into your life sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, is not of your control. You can control your little solar system within you, but your external environment. No way. That is not coming from you. Yes. You heard me correctly. God does that. That's his deal. What you chose to do with it is up to you. Now, this morning I had a revelation. I decided that I want more. I want the moon, if I could reach it, I'd take it. Just like Shel Silverstein said, he's makin' a moon catchin' net tonight. But it's not just the moon I am going after, it will be the stars, little planets, and all of the above.

All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.

I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.

I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."

So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.

It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.

Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.

The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.

Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.