It's unbelievable how you come to the realization at a much later date, that when things change, you'll do whatever you can to change them back. If you're like me at all, and you don't adapt to change very well, it's almost like dying a painful death. I was on my way out of my old job when I got caught off guard and got laid off. Now it feels like nothing is really as it seems. And although I wasn't happy at the time, I've been unexpectedly booted from the nest.



It's almost horrifying to realize how much of yourself you throw into your job. Four of us were let go. Last week, we spent the whole day on Friday at the beach drinking. My burn is now a normal human burn, and no longer a toxic pain in the ass. I guess my outsides were mirroring my insides. Yesterday I had an interview at a company, but I am not so sure if I want to work there. I guess we'll see if they make and offer and how large their salary offer will be...I feel very unenthusiastic. I haven't run in a week. I am going to run tonight. I haven't been able to even put on running clothes, let alone sweat my way through a workout. I ate f-ing burger king today, and pizza yesterday. In my book of the insane diet that is my life, that is a serious setback. It's almost like I am on the road to obesity. But I guess I just needed some time to pork out, sleep and just get drunk. haha. I am going to meet with the "girls" again on Friday, this Friday we're going to San Francisco via the CalTrain. Should be interesting, I am brining the little guy with me, so I actually can't drink myself silly even if I wanted to... Not sure what we're going to do, maybe just put around the city for a while, then head home. In the meantime, I will try to motivate myself into applying for more jobs. I feel like I am sending my resume off to some dismal abyss. Most of the time I get an automated "thank you for applying." blah blah blah..

I need to go, before I talk myself into another depressing evening...

I still miss you...

I thought I was over it. I thought I was good. Okay, she's gone, I can get back to my life. But today hasn't quite panned out to be one of those days. Busy, yes. But in the busy chaotic storm that whirls around me, I find myself in the eye of it all. There's an eerie quietness that settles around me, and I find myself struggling once more to bring myself to look at your photo.

Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?

I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?

With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...

Letting Go

After talking to my mom, tonight I realized that life is too short to live sadly. She made some very eye-opening points. No one has a perfect life, and I should by no means try to live my life to anyone's standard. I have a great life, a loving husband, and a nice home. I don't know why I complain. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone has it so much better than I do. When in fact, I am probably better off than a lot of people. Not to ride my high horse or anything, but I really do need to step back a be more grateful. My mom reminded me of how much I laugh, and how important that is in life. She's right, stupid and funny little things really do make me laugh.

For example...(you may not find this funny, so just bear with me) I was chatting away on the phone and Buster (our Boxer) decided it was a fabulous idea to plop his body down next to my bed, and fart up a storm. First of all, I hate the word fart, second of all, a dog fart is the worst scent anyone can possibly imagine. So I asked the Tot to call him, he was playing video games in his room. He did the funniest and loudest whistle, that almost sounded like "Buuuuuuuuuster" but with a trill at the end of it. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I made him do it again and again, just so my mom could hear it. And soon enough we were both giggling, over I don't know what, or why even.

I did battle a small panic attack tonight, before dinner just after my last blog. I know realize that while, yes it's good to let loose and let the emotions run wild, it may not be the best for my sanity level to let them run quite THAT freely. I miss my sister, yes. I love her, more than life. I wish I could spend more time with her, all the time...But I do have a good life. I feel like I've been in a hazy sad fog and I am just now coming to my senses...Crazy, quite possibly...Enlightened? Oh yes. Grateful for all the things I have, and the things that have yet to come, totally.

Off She Goes

You're gone, and I am really emotional about it. I shouldn't be, but every time you leave it's like this. I fight, I cry, I and I love. I miss you, boy do I miss you. You haven't been gone but an hour, but I know it will be a while until I see you again. It's funny, cause not many people actually know that I am talking about my sister. My sister. I miss using that term with frequency. There aren't many people, well no one actually, that knows me as intimately as you do. I don't have to say anything, and you just know. I miss that closeness when you're gone. Because I am not that way with anyone.

Your son, goodness I had no idea my heart could be touched like that. Everyone tells me, "Oh just wait til you have your own.." But I am not sure if I can. I don't know how to deal with emotions of that magnitude. So for now, I have your son, my dearest sweet nephew, who in just two short weeks has filled a numb gap that I can't seem to fill on my own, or I'm not ready to fill. His sweet scent and his eyes that look just like yours make me weep even more.

It's the next day, and the sadness is still there, it's just a little less. You've arrived and I am glad to hear that you're travels were safe. I can't really explain this feeling. It's a sweet sorrow, because I know the distance makes up better people, but it hurts. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Is to just deal with it. In the hours since you've been gone, I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I don't trust quite as openly as I think I do. I think a part of me has shut off to the world a bit. The closeness in my heart is really only reserved for very special people. Sometimes I wonder how or why I give that access, and why it's so minimal. Is it because of the years that have aged me?

Dad and I were talking. It's in those conversations with him that make me so closely relate to him, and realize that its no mistake that I am his daughter. He hurts, just like I do, but more. To face the severity of being allowed to cry, and feeling the strong feelings he does makes me want to hug him and hold him close. Just to care for him, and take the sadness away for him.

Last night in a fit of rage, I left my house, and walked to the park alone. I listened to my music and watched the sky. I watched closely at every airplane that passed the evening stars. I wondered what you were doing at that very moment, were you feeding the little guy? Were you guys drifting off to sleep? Were you as upset as I was? Were you happy to be gone? The thing is, I guess I feel a little angry sometimes, because you leave, and I am left here. In all this. Sometimes, it's a happy place, but most of the time, it's hard to be here. Its so much work, and stress, and I wonder, is this all really worth it? Is this what I want for my life? For an instant last night, I wished to be on that airplane with you. I wish I was sitting next to you holding your hand during take-off, and telling everyone, "goodbye" I'll see you when I get back.

It used to be hard when you left. When you used to come alone. I had no idea how much harder it would be when we met your son. I had no idea how closely we would connect with him and his tiny little body, and big emotions. It's ten times harder now. I know I am a sap, and I cry a lot. But I just need to know that it's all going to be okay, it's going to be alright. I don't feel like it is right now. I feel sad, and upset, and unsure of what to do next or how to handle these big feelings. I wish I had it all figured out like you do. Or was at leas half as happy as you are in your life. I really don't know what it will take to get me there. I guess I sometimes wish that some of you will rub off on me, and I will be strong enough to move forward and deal with life. I am weak. When God decided that we should be born to our parents, I think he decided to give me about one-tenth of your courage and strength. Or maybe he's trying to make me grow, what else could hurt like this?