Gimmmeee a "D"

U - A - R - T - E what's that spell?? Happiness..new work, new people, new stresses, new everything. I can't wait!!!! Although I must say that SCEA knows how to throw a launch party...The PS3 was a very successful launch. I even struck a conversatiom with "she-who-must-not-be-named"...Well, it's been fun. From E3 to the PS3. However, it's my time to move on...No more "she-who-must-not-be-named" ie noodlehead on my back. After today I have one more of these meetings, and I am done..I can't even tell you the relief. Today it was relief, last week, it was something strange..I dunno, almost sadness...I guess I will miss the whole glitz and glammour. The celebrities, the rappers, the fun. But I will mostly just miss my very good friend Blanca. She's been my pillar of strength here. We met early on, but clicked in the split of a second. Since then, we've stumbled out of numerous bars, company parties, and giggled ourselves into oblivion. One time, we even attempted to lift weights together, but the laughter was too much. NOTE TO SELF: DON'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WITH SILLY FRIENDS MAKING ME WANT TO LAUGH. I will definitely miss her more than anyone...

However, I am so excited beyond belief...I've got a gift exchange, holiday party, and countless creative people heading my way...although twenty graphic designers all under one roof could be hazardous..It will definitely be a job that I will never forget...I think we all belong together, creative or not. Plus I get to be a little closer to my past and present Fortify peeps. Good times...

What to make...I have been told that I will be provided with $15 and the choice to make or purchase a gift for this person that I have never met.....you ask...Well, yes of course, I will MAKE something, just don't know what...Maybe a little stocking filled with goodies..? Knitting isn't my bag..I wish it were but I don't have a lot of patience these days. Most of it goes to the eleven-year-old of our household...

I can crochet like there's no tomorrow...Hmmm, need to think on this a bit more...

in the meantime. Hooray!!!

The Dentist.....

Yes, another visit. I repeat ANOTHER VISIT. Since being married, I think I have been there about 30 times...and once to a specialist, because he pulled an "Oh Shit" on me....So, needless to say I think my mouth undoubtedly will reject at all costs any sort of crown attempted to be placed in the molar region..

Granted, I thought it was pretty cool that it took only an hour. I have had death threats from noodlehead in the past for taking too much time at the dentist. Then again, a warranted death threat from her can come from coming in at 9:15 instead if 9:00...so maybe it's not as bad as I am painting it out to be...

Still, the dentist...the drilling, the cold air on my teeth, the "test" grinding, it's enough to make my hair stand on end. And trust me folks, I have a lot of curly hair..There was one episode of The Simpsons that did it to me...It was that one when Homer had eye laser surgery, and his eyes crusted over the noise of the crust, the yetllow..ugh..It gave me that same nauseating feeling like I was going to hurl...

Lol, and I want to have kids...I'll be great so long as they put up one of those blue tents on me, and I don't have to see my own blood everywhere...Snort..

So now, I am just pushing this "permanent" crown around. I give it a week until the sucker pops out. I specifically asked for heavy-duty-cement-mixing-super-duper adhesive so I wouldn't have to go through this again in two weeks..I wonder what he really thinks about me after I leave. I bet I am his biggest pain in the ass.

HAahaa

Notice of Resignation

OMG, I actually did it...I gave my notice..I was totally the bigger person in all this. I was very gracious, and thanked her (her / she = noodlehead) for the opportunity she gave me here. I told her that I wasn't going to lie, to her or to myself, and that I thought it was best if I moved on. I suggested she find someone better fitted to this position than me. She agreed. I said it would be best for the "team" that I am leaving.

I did speak to HR this morning before I spoke to her. They told me that she can withold my two weeks pay if she wanted. So I felt it was best if I was curtious about it, and was nice to her upon my exit. As much as I wanted to give her "the finger."

She said she was sorry to see me leave. She asked if I had something else lined up, and I said "yes." It was actually all very civil...(I know deep down that she was just as relieved as I was)

As much as I wanted to jump up and down and do cartwheels, I didn't. I just walked out of her office, thinking this is the beginning of something great. Such a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. It's all so liberating, I think I will go workout...It's about time I put myself in the driver's seat again...

Rare Form

I think it's the premenstrual curse or something plaguing me today. I swear the strangest things are so amusing to me right now. I have fought, cried, laughed, felt every range of emotion on the spectrum. Other than the fact that I am ready to bite my week-long nail growth to the bone with nervous anticipation, and that my head feels like it's going to explode, I can't wait to hear back from the people who interviewed me.

Its very nice out today. It's not all muggy and cloudy, at least up here in Foster City, it's rather pleasant. I finished my book last night "Running with Scissors." I am strangely annoyed with it. The ending wasn't the sort of monumental, "OMFG-I-loved-that -book-I-can't-wait-to-reread-it" sort of ending. It sort of trailed off like an unsuspecting fart. That's how it made me feel most of the time, plus or minus a few giggles, it made me feel gassy and so grossed out on some occassions. I sure hope the movie is better. I need a new read...Might check out Finny's suggestions.

Today I really miss working out. Probably cause I watched "The Biggest Loser" 2 hour special last night. I don't know what it is about that show that I love, the cattiness, the large people, the struggle? Don't know. I just know that I get really motivated the next day. Shit, whatever it takes at this point. I'll take the motivation in whatever form. The ex wife used to do it for me, nowadays I just feel sorry for her. But whoa, Kim Lyons, holy cow, she has a kickin' body. I WISH my mid-section looked that good!

Okay I need to run, I have to obsessively check my email, and maybe get a little work done if I can find the time, in my hectic schedule.

Sustaining Joy

Last night, round 3 went so smoothly, I could hardly believe it myself. It didn't feel so much like a job interview than actually chatting with friends. I can tell the dynamics between myself and the rest of the "team" is quite good. I think I really do prefer a smaller company.

I just can't wait to give my notice. I can't wait to see the expression on noodlehead's face. I am sure she will be relieved to be rid of me, as I will be happy too. I just hope the offer, if at all, is good, bountiful and comes quickily. I hate to digress and try to anyalyze exactly where things went wrong here, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder...

Onto other topics...Family isn't doing well. Extended that is. I am worried a few may not make it through the holidays. This makes me so sad..Life moves so quickily, sometimes I really can't remember what day of the week it is, because they're all running into one. I typically look forward to the holidays, shopping, decorating, picking out a tree, although the last few years have been strangely difficult and argument laden. Is this what happens when you get old and set in your ways? Am I really that stubborn and unbending? When it comes to picking out a tree, I am the voice of perfection.

Honey stumbled onto my crocheting needle the other day. He found it in his shoe! Which is no wonder, considering how crammed and tiny our itty bitty closet is. Poor fella, I totally overwhelm the closet with all my crap, and purses and things. I mean I love being a woman, but man, I normally have a little more control over the area in which my shoes span. Right now they're all over the place. I keep fantasizing about big spacious closets with hidden drawers. One entirely for myself!

In the meantime, I shall crochet. How do you not get hand cramps? Whenever I set out to begin crocheting my fifty-foot long scarves I get so cramped up in the hands. I can switch but it's like parting your hair on the other side, it just feels weird...

I am finishing up my most recent book "Running with Scissors." Great, twisted, a little introspective, but far too much gay sex invloving minors for my tates..At one point I almost put it down out of disgust. But I really want to see the movie, and feel that I NEEDED to read the book first to get a full perspective of what the movie "could be."

It's been so long since I've written down my thoughts. I feel strange about it. Loosley liberated and very excited for things to come..

10 minutes and a bucketload of dirt

Wow. It's been so long, I forgot my username..Basically I never blog anymore because I am on the brink of "being let go of" HA! Thing is, I pretty much have another company in the bag after tonight. Cross your fingers for me. I think they will make an offer tonight after my 3RD INTERVIEW!

Watch they don't want me after tonight and I am stuck jobless. Now that would be funny. Thing is, I am OK to openly admit how much I really hate it here. No, let me rephrase that I HATED my boss. Now...well I just feel really sorry for the noodlehead. If you sense a twinge of racism, yes, I openly admit it. She's a Vietnamese barbie doll with bad teeth. She's acutally quite beautiful on the outside, and horrendously ugly on the inside...She's tried to wrangle my spirit into the ground, but AH! I prevail.I am still here kicking and screaming...But strangely enough, the urge to push her out her fourth story window is miraculously gone...I amaze myself sometimes.

Ah the drama of it all. I adore my stupidly dramatic sense of humor. I will not post about this new place. Let's just say I am very hopeful but do not want to jinx it. I've got so much on my mind and only three minutes left until I am outaheeya.

I'm out.

Word to ya mutha.

When it all started

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...

Things that I want

It's Friday, go crazy...

1. A house, (4000 sf will do) with really nice (walnut) hardwood floors
2. a large kitchen with granite countertops, and an island. (where my Mom can teach me how to make her perfectly crisp veal cutlets -- yes I am a carnivore.)
3. at least 5 bedrooms to accomodate our growing family (no I am not preggers)
3. a very deep, lovely tub in our master bath
3B. a nice "getaway" reading room attached to our very large master bedroom

4. a pool / hot tub in our 1 acre backyard
5. a lovely garden (within our 1 acre backyard), so I can learn how to grow melons and tomatoes from Finny ;)and plant trees with my Dad.
5B. A doggy park area within our backyard for Buster.
6. a very successful design firm, owned, managed and run by moi, from home, (to be more specific, from my ultra cool mini design-firm/ business office, that I have personally decorated, and detached from my 4000 square foot house)...
7. a baby...I think....(more baby-room design ideas to come later, I've hatched several)
8. time to stay home with my husband and step-son
9. the ability to cook a flawless dinner for my fantastic friends
10. a halloween party for the little guy, equipt with a pseudo haunted house, and scary cupcake treats...I've been obsessing over the cooking magazine racks in line at the grocery store these days...
11. a massage, manicure, pedicure
12. the chance to catch up on my laudry without having to actually wash it and fold it myself
13. the loss of about 15 pounds...
14. 3x's / week meeting with my personal trainer...
15. to win last night's super lotto
16. to live much much closer to my sister, brother-in-law and family
17. to have one last conversation with Nonna.
18. to make sure my folks are taken care of (financially)
19. to love what I do for work...
20. to have time in the morning to make my family a great breakfast, take the little guy to school, and to work out regularly...


okay, there are many more "wants" I am sure, but I want to be careful how I construct them, because I do believe that what you put out into the universe really does come back to you...

so, let's just say, I am going to sit patiently and wait for these good things to happen, because I belive they really will. In the meantime, I just keep reminding myself, that as each hour passes, I am getting closer to what I am going to get in the future. Call me naieve, but I think these things are going to come to pass, sooner rather than later.

The Diamond in the Rough

I forgot to mention the one diamond in the rough today..My husband...

Me: "I was just calling to say hello, and see how you were doing.."
Him: "Hello, I am doing okay, how 'bout you?"
Me: "Eh, just frustrated, bad communication around here"
Me:"so whats on your agenda tonight?"
Him:"I am going to go home after this, and spend some quality time...with my wife"
Me:"hmm. okay, gotta go, I'll see you later."

Not that this was much, but it made me feel good...I still forget sometimes, slip and use my maiden name, sometimes call him my fiance...But damn...

I am somone's wife...

tee-hee..

Ok Damnit

I have decided to start blogging more. I am going to blog until my poor little fingers are sore. I am going to blog all the frustration and desire to stuff my face with unhealthy food....

Yes, Famous Amos, those are the last of you. I just polished off a bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with chicken strips a little earlier. I know why though, my lunch was too salad heavy and didn't have enough protein, so I got the munchies....What was strange was that I felt the worst stomach pains after lunch, and well, had to run to the loo...I don't know what it could've been, maybe my salad??

So, I am determined to get better at this. I have been keeping in too many feelings...I hate bottling shit up and then just letting go, usually at my own expense..

Last night, I took the pooch running at about 9:30. It felt so good to run and feel free. He and I do really well together in the evnings. Mind you ocassionally I get tripped up and he gets knotted around a bumper. lol, I have a hard time seeing at night I guess. Today, I have to do something active as well.

How do you find motivation when you're at work early, and leave late? Lunch is out of the question because there is too little time to do anything...

I guess I am pretty agro with my boss too. She is very unorganized and makes these ridiculous requests. Now I am getting better at managing my anger, and not eating so much. I guess today I ate because I was actually hungry. I just made the wrong choices..
I am little frazzled about $$ too. I actually forgot to pay rent this month..I am still playing catch-up after the wedding expense crunch, and I just got the little paycheck I was expecting...Since my retarded-ass boss, decided at the last minute to not give me the time off I needed for the wedding...So what was I to do? I took unpaid time off, which hurt this month. But we're recovering...It just makes me think, usually my mind goes off during my am commute...

This morning, I realized that I should be looking for two new jobs instead of one. One to pay for household bills, and the other to pay for everything else...

I heard about this suspension bridge in China where it was a popluar place to jump. One man, (in an NPR interview) wanted to jump because he had no money left and didn't know what to do. He worked and worked, but just didn't make enough...Not that I want to die or anything, but I can understand the grief and stress he must be feeling...I understand not having enough, hating where you have to be every morning, and then hating yourself for letting things get so bad..

Ha! And I wonder why I am getting fatter....

When I was skinny

I was sucha lil snot
I didn't have to hold my breath in
and my t-shirts I could knot.

I was a lot nicer to everyone around me,
I didn't eat garbage like, starchy food and candy
I had a way of holding up my head
now I just sigh heavily and pull the sheets o'r my head.

It sometimes makes me sad
to think of the body
and the tush that I had.
I was strong and lean
a cardio machine
back in the days of yore...

Now that I feel fat
and feel grossness of my
body starting to sag.
I am overcome with grief
and stricken underneath
when I look at body
that once wasn't so bad.

"It's STRESS!" I declare
as my wardrobe taunts me
with sheek tiny slacks
that I no longer wear.

"But, it's only ten pounds!" You state in anguish
doesn't matter at this point,
as I am crabby and famished,
from all the stupid diets
I fail at, and later seeth in my quiet
despair and self-loathing....

I run, and I lift, with Speedie's and with Biff's
and don't make a dent
with my one-day a week, schedule, Oh yes, I'm bent.

"It's the job!" I transpire,
as I tread home to retire.
I sit my ass down, and momentarily conspire,
to somehow pull myself out of this mire..

This is Why They Call Me Fury

Disclaimer: Contents contain foul language and vlugar conduct depcited...


Don't say "No" because I know this has happened to all of us...But last week, it annoyed the shit out of me..I was going to lunch with a co-worker. (good friend of mine) and we were waiting for a parking spot. Of course this stupid shithead of a woman peels right into our spot and has the audacity to chew us out!!!!

My good friend, happens to be Mexican, and this made my blood boil...I had to stop myself from beating the crap of out this woman..

Friend: "well, that was polite"
Bitch: "I'm sorry, I don't speak your language"
Me: "How about shitty parking, do you speak that language"
Bitch: "fuck you bitch"
Me: (flipping her off as I stroll into Chiptole's) "Fuck you, you stupid cunt"
Friend: (snatches my badge off of my pants and is trying to calm me down)
Me: "You stupid bitch"
Me: "Just wait until I tell all of the people that work here, what a racist pig you are, you dumb bitch"

Friend: "Oh my, (she's so cute) my blood is boiling"
Me: "Yeah, let her fuck with me, I will fucking tear her head off, I don't speak your language, who does she think she is?"

The sad part was that this woman looked old, wrinkled, with dyed black hair, kinda like Cher. She was escorting her old parents or something into Starbucks. I felt so bad for these old people, that they had to be in the company of such a stupid bitch.....

Okay, so I am still pissed about it, only because she wronged us, managed to blurt out a racial slur, and then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch... I take this all personally, not only because my friend is Mexican, but because my parents were immigrants. I take this very personally, and can not stand people like her......Ohhh, if only I wasn't on the clock I would've really done some damage.....I considered throwing black beans all over her windsheild, but I was having tacos...

Baby's Baby's Everywhere

I think God is trying to give me a sign, or signal me down with HUGE flags at best. I have just received the third email of online photos of brand new babies within one week...

Two of which were born within two days of each other...I am still coming to terms that I may not be able to tear myself away from my gorgeous newphew Barnaby...Ohhhh he's precious to say the least. I can't get enough of him. I don't know what it is about babies that is scrumptuous. Is it their "new-ness" is it their total purity? Their smell of sweet milk? Or the fact that they rely so completely on you for everything?

I don't know what it is...I have given myself a year to get back on track after the craziness of the wedding. I have a semi-thought out list of what I think the honey and I should do prior to even "thinking" about little ones. But I don't want us to be too old before we conceive..Not to be in too much of a rush, but we're not exactly spring chicks either...

Just saw my best friend's baby last night, at the hospital. Austin Gene Tamm, he was three days old, and slept in my arms for the better part of my visit (about two hours) he was squeamish and made all sorts of cute baby faces and noises...Nothing prepard me for the cuteness factor. I am so proud of her, she has been an amazing sport throughout all this...I am just sad that she has to go back to work in about two months...

Oh well, speaking of work, it beckons, I cringe..not because I don't want to do it, but because I am neck deep in maddness here until we leave for lovely Playa Del Carmen....Ahh, fish tacos, margaritas....the sound of the surf...I can feel the sand between my toes already...

Why Oh why....

Okay,
I don't know why I do this, but I do it with such vigor and then I proceed to feel like crap afterwards...That is eat shit that is very obviously fattening and not helping my weightloss-mindedness... I think it's turning into a mind freakiness sort of thing now... There could be a number of reasons why I am stuffing my face today, here's to name a few

1. I have missed a poorly thought out deadline at work and am now scrambling to get all the pieces together
2. My family is slowly starting to head back to the UK and my Mom has been cooking all of my FAVORITE italian dishes
3. I am nervous about tonight (the ex-monster has organized the tot's birthday party, and she always makes my skin crawl) At least right now she does. I haven't had any interaction with her since we've been married but it's plain to see that we're avoiding each other. Right now, I am missing the "pizza party" which I can certainly do without, but would make the Tot happy if I attended....
4. My best friend just had a baby and I haven't been able to talk to her...I feel like the hubby is getting annoyed with me...Oh the aggrivation...

Okay, that's it. I think I've pinned down that single derailing feeling...I think it's the ex-monster. She always makes me feel a little strange, but I guess the power that she has is all that I am allowing her to have over me..I know this, why don't I act on it? I have never sat in a movie theater with her and the honey at the same time, and I am not really looking forward to it tonight. I know I will be inspected, scrutinized and evaluated. I hate that...And somehow I eat..Call it nerves..I can't wait for tomorrow, when I can roll out of bed at any hour I please and have two whole days to not worry about deadlines, birthday partites, weddings, or anything else but the honey and me...

Mmmmm. It's good to be Bad >:)

For some reason, the guilt isn't really making a dent today...Considering the very sad state of my finance to date, I decided to endulge. Okay, so I couldn't quite spend more than $5 on lunch today, and man was it a tasty $5.08....So good it almost hurts....



Okay, tummy is starting to hurt...Ok, ok, I've been working out...sorta, I know I am pissing away my workouts...but I just can't fathom eating cheap-ass salads. I am all or nothing, gimme the good stuff, or just give me trash. Of course I would be totally conent having redvines for lunch too..Oh well, yipee payday is tomorrow!!!

Blissfully Married

As I type away here at my keyboard, with one eye, (why do people say that? You can't really just use one eye huh?) on the clock trying to time this just right...(4:30 meeting) I've got just a little over 30 minutes to post about my blissful wedding to my fabulous husband. The "honey" is now mine all mine (muwhaahaaa) No really, it was such a glorious day, that I wished it could've lasted longer, like at least two or three more days..
From the moment I entered the room and fought tooth and nail trying not to cry my lushes fake lashes off, to the very end of the night when he held me in his arms while we swayed to Brother Iz's "Somewhere over the Rainbow" it was a day / night I will never forget...
One of the most amazing things, was that I barely heard the string trio I so meticulously hired...The second I walked into the ballroom with my Dad gripping my trembling arm, and the whole room stood up at once, it was a wonderful sound, like a stampede all getting up for me! Flashes, trembling bottom lip, hoping to God that I wouldn't trip on the aisle runner and lose my train...Getting to the front was tough, I had a really hard time letting go of my Dad's arm. I was scared I would faint or something...I couldn't look at my gorgeous sister because she was bawling her eyes out. I somehow managed to look at the honey directly in the eyes without crying, because, well he knows me, he can read me, and he knows when I am about to lose all control. The depth of his eyes were so comforting too me, they hugged me and loved me without a single blink.. Call me a tough cookie, but I was damned determined not to cry..In retrospect I feel that maybe I should've let down my hair and shed a few tears that desperately wanted to be free'd. But I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Yes, I am vain...
The evening progressed always with one eye on the honey, with the dj blowing a fuse, (very entertaining by the way) a good friend of mine singing us a beautiful song in Italian. And my Mother and I dancing to Disney's "Once upon a dream" with everyone encircling us. It was my little gift to her. I grew up with her singing all the disney songs to me as a little girl, I told you I was a girly girl..They remain sort of special in my heart. The honey and I greeted, and greeted and greeted, and sadly enough a few of you escaped unscathed...damnit...
The cake cutting was funny, I smashed some in his face very sweetly, but he tried to sexily "tease" some into my mouth..what a sexpot I've married.
The bouquet toss, went to a woman that I'd never met, which sort of bummed me out in a way because I really wanted my good friend Emma to get it..I would've thrown it right at her if I had better aim.
The garter, oh boy, I forgot mine, luckily the honey was equipt with his own. He managed to rip that bad boy off with his teeth! Adam caught, the aforementioned friend "Francesca"'s ex. Long story, but they're good friends..I think..

And then dancing, and more dancing. Some of it with my very close friends Aimmee, Veronica, Francesca and I. We went galloping through the parlor, well, because a parlor like that was begging for four young women to traipse at full speed through it. Wedding dress, shoeless and drenched with sweat. Oh what fun!

Then, that's it, it was over that quickily. The end of it all almost brought tears to my eyes.. The hall, the music, the food, the moment of feeling like there was nothing more important to me on earth than to be right then and there..all done...
We drive away in my car, gas tank on empty with a trunk full of enough liquor to intoxicate a small country. Our gift (all million and one of them) along with our food, went off into the night in two truck loads in the hands of my relatives.

We stayed the night at a VERY lovely hotel..Lush, very very nice. Chocolate covered strawberries, champagne on ice. Folks it was peerrrrfect.. The rest I will leave to your imaginations, as it's a little secret between my husband and I :)

My husband...wow, it's so new, so different, but somehow feels so right. Like God has planted me right where I am supposed to be. In the arms of the man that I will love for the rest of my life....

Bitter Sweet

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore


29 days until I get hitched...

Arg

So much for SBD...I've had really ridiculous bronchial cough for a week. My lungs itch, I am trying to get a Dr. appointment, but my doc has the day off tomorrow!!

I think it's this air-conditioning that is making me cough like every few minutes....I don't even feel much like blogging....

tonight I am going to try and workout and then do more wedding stuff....will write more later if I can.

South Beach Diet, Day 1

Okay folks,
this is getting ridiculous, I had to take initiative, not only because of the wedding, but because my dress fitting is this Friday and I need to change the way I look at least a little...

I just started this today (again) for like the twenty-thousandth time, but this time I am determined to stay with it until I loose my 13 pounds. The longest I did this was for a month and I lost about 8 pounds, then gained it all back....

Thing is, if you stay in phase one for too long, that fruit craving thing really starts to get to me. I start getting all cagey..I am super sluggish today from not having any caffeine..That I am not sure I can do without..But I am going to try...

Ah, okay, I am done, funny I don't have a lot to rant about today.. :D

Let's hope I can shed at least 5 pounds this week. Going to the gym tonight, weight training tonight, yee-haw, I am going to look like a superstar. ;)

Monday Blues

I don't know why, but when I am faced with stress, I start to stress eat. Not just any ole food either, it's bad, like cheetos, pie, chocolate bars, etc...It's been especially hard lately because my wedding favors are chocolate bars...

I didn't manage to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hate skipping days like this...I guess I will make an extra special effort to get out there tomorrow morning, I will go for a run tonight too...I am feel sickly. I don't know why, my throat burns, and I am already burned out, and it's just Monday.
The only fun thing I managed to do today was get my friend / co-worker a birthday present. :) I like giving gifts....
I think I found out who the nark is here at work, and it's sort of distressing...I don't have anything spectacular to write about today, I feel like I just want to go home and lay in bed....I want to leave. I have a half hour still...I think what I wished I had was more motivation to finish projects that I start. I start them and then they're just left hanging. I hate it when I do that....

I read an article today about children with overly disciplining parents tend to become overweight by the age of 6...So tell me, why did I become overweight in high-school? Or middle school even. I noticed today, that my mother is especially emotional. I am so much like her. But she was like night and day from one moment to another. It was a little disturbing, only because I hate to see her go through such swings like that. I try to play it off like I have everything under control, but I really don't. I am like a small volcano inside. The honey knows that too, and I think it really troubles him...I wish I were thinner, like the way I was a few years ago. I don't know what in the hell I did to become so thin, so fast, but man my clothes fit me so much better, and my confidence levels were so much higher..Now I look in the mirror and I see a big fat ass....
Maybe I should set up an appointment with Marilyn. She used to ground me so much.. I sometimes feel like I have lost a sense of who I am. Like my values have changed, and my thoughts have become so angry all the time. I wish I was happy-go-lucky like I used to be. So carefree, albeit a little chunky but seeming to be so much more stable....

Gotta go.

oh yeah....

Maybe I should explain my circuit that I did today (:D)

1. stationary lunges: 5, 15, 20 lbs.
2. squats (some on the smith press machine): 5, 20, 20 lbs.
3. outer thigh raises 5, 15, 20 lbs
4. pull downs 40, 50, 77 lbs (random, I know)
5. bench press 10, 15, 20 lbs
6. shoulder press 10, 15, 15 lbs
7. stiff legged deadlifts 10, 15, 20 lbs
8. tricep pull downs 40, 50 60lbs. (on machine)
9. biceps 10, 15, 15 lbs.

No situps, I will do those tonight when I get home. I started running out of time. I wore my heart rate monitor too, just to keep an eye on when I really started to heat up. It was overall a fantastic stepping stone into my "rediscovery" of weight lifting. I did it for a while lost my 25 lbs, and then left it behind, for cardio hence gaining back some 10 pounds.... Since my new love affair with cardio, my poor weight lifting regimen has been kicked to the curbside...until today....

I've got a little over one month to make some serious progress. DROP DEAD DATE of WEDDING : July 27, 2006.

oh yeah, lookout wedding dress with a low back, here I come.

Dog gone good day ..Yes sireee..

I had a faaaabuloso work out today at the gym. It was great because I did a full circuit three times in only 35 - 45 minutes. It's fantastic I am still shaky, I love love love it. Had to make it fast cause work beckond...I ran this weekend, not long runs but short little 30 minute jogs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I decided to take Sunday off. I noticed that when I do that, I am not quite so sluggish the following workout...

It's just that wedding dress I keep thinking about. I managed to pull it out the other night when my friend came over, and man oh man do I have a bit of work ahead of me...It's okay though, I will get there, and the 10 pounds will go screaming off my dainty little frame :) Lol. Okay, not so dainty around the hips, but every place else....

Wow, spring is really in the air. My allergies are in full swing. It's so weird, I never suffered from them before, now I can't tell if it's a cold coming on or just my allergies...
I am feeling much more sane these days. I just found an awesome website for e-cards, for those of you that like to get different and retro cards, go to www.hipstercards.com, very neat stuff.
I am leaving for E3 on Monday. I am pretty excited, I have never been, but I will be working the whole time I am there. It's going to be good for the honey and I to have a little breather from each other for a week too. Yeah..give him a chance to miss my obnoxious ways. :D
I see so many things throughout the day that I want to blog about, or something creative that I need to remember to make note of, and then it totally slips my mind. I guess I still do have quite a few things going on. Minus the purchasing of the most awesome, and fantastic house ever, I am doing okay considering. My Mom is coming home from the UK tonight, I am so excited to see her. Contrary to many daughters, she is one of my closest friends. She went to visit my sweet, adorable and darling little newphew, barnaby-bear.
I got my bridal shoes, and OMG I love them. I totally want to wear them even after the wedding! They fit perfectly. Slowly the invitations are coming together. I had to deal with a monster of a lady changing prices on me and making stuff up along the way. Not only did she not listen to my requests, but she seem to glaze over my emails too.. We're going on our third proof. Which is fine with me, I am a stickler like that, but I would hate to open my momento / scrapbook of wedding stuff years later and get pissed off because she didn't do her job correctly the first time..

We're working out the wedding favors, which are no longer edible, this is good, testing out so many chocolate favors was starting to kill me. I have somehow developed some sort of allergic reaction to chocolate and sugar. I get a throbbing headache after I eat a piece as small as a truffle..Sucks, because chocolate is my absolute favorite.. The cake is going to be spectacular, I can't wait to eat it!
We booked an amazing photographer, and Thursday I have an appointment with MAC to get a trial run done for my make-up.
I need to find a florist, which might be a challenge because I am very picky and all my flowers need to smell really good...Let's just hope I don't have an allergic reaction to those too!!
I think we're heading to Mexico for the honeymoon. I will be down there in June for a friend's wedding, so I might check out some sites while I am there. I am not sure still, but I really hope I can make it. She and I have known each other since first grade at the very least.

Uh oh, server's back up, need to get back to work.

happy happy day.

Oh my god, what is going on today? I am fighting with everyone..I am my true fury self right now and I am not happy about it. In the past day and a half I have managed to fight with 3 people. Two from work and ahem the bitterness..I refuse to call him the honey today..
I am enraged about everything and soooo friggon menstrual that my 6 mile runs that I've done twice already this week are proving to do nothing for me, but afford me bliss for all of an hour after...
Waahh. I just want to sit in a corner and suck my thumb and give the world a view of my ass right now...And I mean everyone. Okay more to him (the bitterness) than anyone right now..
I am pissed that I finished my David Sedaris book. Now I have nothing to mildly humor me in all my rage. I am pissed that its sunny outside and I am not out there. I am in here smoldering hot with a little rain cloud above my head....(not to mention if it were a comic strip, it would have F@#$K#A^$#$L#&#$%$@)!!! inside of it.....God I hate being this angry...

Not cool

Hmm. I just got totally thrown under the buss by a co-worker who didn't back me up...Thing is I was cut out of an email chain specifically because my anwers would contradict what they wanted to hear....

I am pissed off and feel like I am not being supported. First time I have felt this here...Don't like it...

Sucks..but whatver, I am starting to learn who to not trust...

The house thing..yeah, well another sore subject, we're not going through with the deal, which could actually be a blessing in disguise. Our financing wasn't ironed out, and we started running into many small snags, we eventually junked the whole idea, which leaves me with a little more time and less stress to deal with the wedding stuff...

the wedding stuff...it's neverending.....

I am feeling especially tense today and can't shake this headache..I havn't had a chance to workout in a few days, which is why my migraines are starting to creep up on me..

This feelings sorta sucks...I can't wait for our honeymoon..

Quality of Life starting to suffer

I am not doing so well these days..Between the wedding expenses, the ups and downs of maybe possibly buying a new home...I fear that the quality of my moods are paying a high price. I am not cheerful, I am always grumpy, not finding enough time to workout like I was, and irritated because my eating habits are all over the map...I am even having a tough time sleeping on most nights...
I wish there was a way to just have more money. At least enough to buy a house and not owe anything...Why are my chances of winning the lotto so slim? I mean, how is life on the other side really? How must it be for some of those NBA stars to just have thousands of dollars in change in their pockets on any given day? What must it be like to throw down 2 million on a home and not even think twice about it? Will I ever have a life like that?
Why does it feel like I am always struggling with money? I feel like I am always so nervous about over-spending, under budgeting, and spreading myself too thin...I never thought about the price of getting married, and trying to buy a home, especially here in the bay area.
Sure, if we lived in Montanna, or Iowa or some place like that we might be able to afford a ranch with a few acres to spare. But here, buying a townhouse is like pulling teeth..The payments make me nervous, and I am not sure if this is even worth all the stress that is going into it. I mean, thirty year loans! I will be 60 when I am done paying it off...
I am not so stressed out with work, I have a pretty good handle on that, I would like to learn more about project / time management, but between bridal magazines, and home loan applications, purchasing contracts, I have very little time if any to dedicate to alternative literature...
I keep thinking after the wedding and the house (maybe) is purchased, how nice life will be, when I can laugh easily and not worry so much, be a little more carefree and not such a witch to live with. The honey and I want to strangle each other quite regularly now, and it's throwing me off kilter. The tot is paying for our stressed out living environment as well....I think I need a weekend retreat from everything, a massage scheduled for every two weeks until the wedding or something...

My head is pounding...Money is running out, and my hopes are dwindling...

ARRRGGG!!!!

Okay, I've had it. I have had my fill of stress. I am the middle person, and I absolutely can't stand it. Everyone is stressed out and shit is falling on my shoulders and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I went ousside for a walk, that didn't help, I calmed down, that didn't help either, the shit just comes creeping back up....
It doesn't help much that work is ramping up and getting really busy. The honey hasn't been so sweet today, more of a bitter little pill he's been. But I understand we're all under the gun and I am going nuts. I didn't think I would hit this point this soon. The tears have already started falling..this is not good folks....
We have a two week deadline that we have to meet. Talk about stressful, we need to come up with 13K or drop out of the running. This is turning me inside out. I don't really have 13K just lying around the house...
Work is getting so busy, especially hectic because I am working on a conference that will require about 2-3 times as much work as a normal function. All this is going to two weeks after our loan process is scheduled to go through....
I can't find my friggon invitation card stock like I was planning. Now I might have to end up spending waaaay more than I wanted to on stupid wedding invitations...

Okay, I am grumpy (given) I am pissed off (given) I am totally stressed out (given) I am gaining weight (WTF?!?!)
I have an open mic this Wednesday, I am looking forward to it, it will give me a chance to crap out all that has been on my mind. Very similar to what I do here...

Yipee!!!!

I stayed home this weekend while the honey went to a wedding in Tahoe. I wanted to stick around, "just in case" we got the chance to bid on our house...And guess what...?? We did. I placed a 3% payment down, and will put more up later if all of our financing goes through. I can't believe this happened today. I was with my Mom, and had my sis, and the honey on the phone. It was such a joyous moment that suddenly I felt my face getting really super hot, and bam, I was red as little turnip.

I had dinner with one side of my fam tonight in lieu of Easter, and will celebrate more tomorrow with the rest. I watched UFC 59 tonight, man it rocked. I was sooo shocked that Tim Sylvia won that fight, I was absolutely sure that Arlovski had it in the bag.

I was watching a pre-fight documentary on Arlovski, and that guy runs 10 miles a day and does conditioning 3 hours in addition to that after his run. I was blown away..

I whipped out the ole wedding dress today, and to my dismay the larger size actually fit...This is not good. I ate like a little horse tonight, and didn't get to do my hour run, due to the purchasing of my first home...however, tomorrow it's all or nothing baby...I gotta get back into doing cardio everyday in addition to my weight training, I think that's how I will shed the extra pounds...

Ah well, I am off to bed, with a good book and a cup of tea. I am reading "Dress your family in Courdory and Denim" By David Sedaris. He's funnier than shit. I also just got my first free issue of Cooking Light in the mail I think I will skim through it to see if any of the recipes will be worth while...

Gotta hit the hay my baby blues-green-gray...whatever, are getting heavy. Nigh nigh.

Progress at Last!!

Okay, I finally found my happy medium..It's the morning workouts that keep me smiling. I didn't realize how much I thrive throughout the day after a good hard workout in the morning. I detest getting up that early but man it's worth the effort, because then I have the whole day to frolic around and be a happy fury.

This week, I've made a lot of progress with regards to the pre-bridal body. My current goal is to see some visible changes in my muscle development and shed about 13 pounds before the wedding, which is proving to require discipline of steel.

My workout routine for this week

Monday: Weight Training (full body) : legs, chest, arms, back, abs, shoulders, and anything else that comes to mind during that hour and half.

Tuesday: Cardio (30-60 minutes) usually I enjoy running, but find that my body feels strangely jolted after an hour long run. I ran 30 minutes around my neighborhood, don't like running on pavement if I can avoid it, I will.

Wednesday: Weight Training, did the full body.

Thursday: Cardio. Ran 60 minutes (6.15 miles) during lunch at a gym near my work. Very good hard run, but found it was hard to break from the 30 minute barrier to the 60 minutes. Trying to speed up the mileage to 8.5 min/ miles, currently doing 10:00 / mile

Friday: Weight Training. Did a full body workout as planned.

Saturday: Cardio (30-60 minutes)(plan to do a 60 minute am treadmill run, with intervals, alternating sprints and hills.)

The good news is that I can tell my metabolism is speeding up, because I am constantly hot now, and wake up at night roasting, as opposed to wearing so many layers and freezing throughout the day. This is attributed to the weight training. I noticed this a few years ago when I victoriously shed ~25 pounds via constant weight training, and unbeliveably very little or no cardio...Lol, and then gained 15 back!

The food part is the most challenging for me, becuase after I've worked out so hard, I am famished and want to eat everything in site! It's so easy to undo all the hard work!! So I really have to stay on top of it with chugging more water, and drinking my protein shakes when I start getting hungry... Overall, it's been a productive week. I have worked really hard, and I am slowly starting to see some progress in my body. I am a happy little fury today :D

Grumble grumble...

It all started with the stupid door last night. He insisted on keeping it wide open and I wanted it cracked...I argued that the light was in my eyes, as I have this weird need to be in complete blackness when I sleep. I argued anyway, knowing what it would progress into...And it did...It got mean, and resulted in hurt feelings. Sometimes I am just horrifically controlling and need things to be done in a certain way. See, I have so many evening rituals that if something is thrown off track I can't sleep. I am really starting to wonder if I really do have OCD. This would explain so many of my ridiculous needs to do things in a certain way. But I also have this small problem of not being able to let go of things.
I don't understand how some women do it. I just hang on and must dominate...It's awful. It's this thing that is devouring..I guess if I was a competitve athlete it might work out in my favor but as a soon-to-be-wife and step-monster it's not helping the greater good...
Which got me to thinking, actually FinnyKnit's blog got me to thinking about this. I am horribly off balance right now...I am lacking somewhere and I can't identify exactly what or where this hostility is coming from, until this morning....
It dawned on me that I spend a huge amount of time with the honey and tot, and well..work...In all this craziness that is my life, I have yet again stumbled on this little golden nugget..I need to spend more time alone...I need to reclaim myself...In a world where work is so important, where scavenging for meals that will feed my family a close second, I find that "me" gets lost in the shuffle...
I have a few events coming up that I am excited about that I think will help me reclaim my me-ness..Here is my Plan "A" Tomorrow night I am going to a princess house party...what that is I don't really know, I just know that I will get to visit with an old friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 10 years.. Then this weekend, if the gods should bestow us with riches, I will have the opportunity to claim a townhouse for us to live in. This will be done with the honey out of town and the tot with his mom, the ex-monster. And then, as if a dirty joke was played on me, the Sunday that follows is Easter..Okay, I will give up SOME time to spend with the fam..God only knows that I owe a lot to them.
Plan "B" a stand in could do my job at the home purchasing stuff (family member) and I would head off to Tahoe with the honey and some other friends to attend a long awaited wedding of some friends of ours...I don't know really I am up for either plan, but I do definitely see a need for some alone time in all this. I wonder if I would have a chance to take a nice nature walk in Tahoe? The people that we'd stay with (my friend) might think it a little odd..I don't know....
This rain certainly isn't helping matters at all.....I feel blue and down. I don't know why, I guess I just yearn for some sunlight, longer than a half days worth, to lift up my mood.
It's a lot of things. the wedding stress is getting to me, just having that little cloud above my head is bothering me, I just need to get stuff done, but can't seem to find the extra hours in the day.
I am still also contracting for my last job, which is also getting to be too much...

Oh crap, I am late for a meeting....
Gotta run..

Barnaby Joseph

World, I would like to introduce you to my beautiful new-born nephew Barnaby Joseph. He is the son of my sister and brother in law. He currently resides in the UK, so it's a little hard for me to give him a snuggle, but I send loving thoughts his way. Welcome baby! We have anticipated your arrival with longing and joy in our hearts. The world is yours.





Tearfully, I thank God for giving him to my sister and her husband. They are such wonderful people and very good parents. This is just the beginning of the formation of this precious little soul's life. He couldn't have chosen a better family to belong to!

Ohhh please please please

There are so many things to contemplate before buying a house, and although this whole process feels rushed to me, I want it more than anything...I guess I just want my own nest to fluff.

If all goes well, which I am starting to doubt that it will, we will have a kitchen that looks something like this:



It's a nice area, close to where we want to be, not a bad place to raise a budding family, and nice and close to Starbucks :D

There is so much financing crap that has to be ironed out, that is one thing that I am worried about. How in the heck to people actually pay for their mortgages around here??? Prices are astronimical. Maybe I have just been a renter for too long. I dunno...But having a little strip of yard to myself and a bathroom that I can completely dominate sounds like luxury to me!

Ahh well.. TGIF.

Just One of Those Days

Ever feel like the world is working against you? Like the power of nature is just so exceptionally tremendous that you can't fight it? Like the way you feel when you're stuck at home with no electricity....Man I feel like everything is going against me today. I wonder if it's in stars or something. I can't keep up with life today. I am sooo tired, I should've gone to bed sooner than 1 last night. Who was I kidding? I am no spring chick anymore....I had a double tall latte this morning and the sucker didn't even make a dent....It only managed to aggrivate me, and fight with the honey... :(

I am feeling like work is getting overwhelming, and there's nothing I can do to stop this title wave..I didn't even work out today..Maybe that's why I feel like this..The sukcy thing is, is that when I am tired like this, I get more hungry than usual...I think it's my body's way of say "heh heh, I'll show her to deprive me of anything.."

Lord, can't the day just end already?

For all you inquiring minds

I have a few pics to share with you..although I don't know if its bad luck to show these before the wedding or not...not sure, but at least HE hasn't seen them :)More to come later.

I am still on the hunt for some nice footware, but haven't given it my best effort. I am on the lookout for a good hairdresser too, if anyone has any suggestions..

I will just give you a sneek peek of what the back of my dress looks like :)It is very simple, straight and diamond white. I am not big of frills and big poufy dresses..



I will be losing some weight between now and then..hmm...about 13 pounds....Yes, so at last my cute little 2's will fit me again. I hate things being so tight on me righ t now, you'd think I was preggers or something...Lets not go there right now though, I am trying to wrap up the end of my business day :\

It's Raining it's Pouring...

okay..what the hell has been going on? Where is spring? and why are we getting so much friggon rain!? Heading home from Pebble Beach last night (work related venture)I actually got so scared, I had to call someone. My dad..What a savior. we talked for a few miles until I got the jitters out of me. I got lost somewhere near the 17 mile drive and couldn't navigate my way out of Pacifc Grove. On my way back up hwy 1 north, I was graced with a lightening storm while traveling through the woods. Now, any normal person might appreciate this, but as an earthquake accepting, Californian I was utterly scared out of my wits. Lightening = cool, near tall tree overhead = not cool...

I manage to call the honey..well, I didn't want him to know what a fraidy cat I really am...I guess I felt stupid..After sweating bricks for a while, I caved and called him too. Man my cell phone bill is going to hurt this month..

I've got good news about wedding updates, but can't chat about it right now. will post more in a bit!!

Crazy Cat Terroizes Connecticut Town

I am rolling around laughing my ass off. See below:

Wed Mar 29, 7:24 AM ET

FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.


"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

___

Phew...

Okay, I actually did the math and I am still ahead, by about 500 calories. I don't know why, I just eat when I am stressed. And all this wedding maddness and making sure I fit in my dress, blah blah blah. I am stressing myself out...I guess I miss the days when I was a slight size one. I miss those days when I could throw on a pair of jeans and whatever top I wanted because they weren't tight at the hips! Yes, the days where the jaw line was more emphasized and make-up looked different because there was less face...

489 + 1040 = 1589 - 540 = saftey zone 1049

Trying desperately to stay at about 1136, but man it's tough.

Okay, I have definitely thought about this too much..

The Wild Orca

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. How come that word is spelled with an "n" I find that incredibly annoying...

I hate undoing any good that I have done for myself. This week, I have stuck to my guns and worked out every morning at 6ish. I have utterly impressed myself. Being the non-morning grumpy queen that I am, I have proved myself wrong. But somehow by 2 or 3 o'clock I have managed to undo all my hard earned, sweat dripping, burned off calories. Today, I have managed to devour the entire planet in just one sitting. I ran for an hour, yay, kudos to me, I am finally back on track, and have done weight training every other day, it's been a pretty rigorous schedule to stick to, but man oh man am I sore. But maybe it's stress, house-purchasing jitters, wedding jitters, new job stress. I dunno. I am like 1000 calories over my diet plan for today, and am bloated like a wild orca. Great, now my very preggers best friend, is threatening to stuff a chocolate souffle down my throat after dinner tonight. Quick, lemme find the nearest building, so I can jump, and end this diet-obessive drama.



I actually do hate thinking about it so much, but I hate not fitting into my clothes even worse...and somehow, I can't cut the carbs. They're like a sneaky group of gangsters, corning me at every turn..Okay...so I stuff myself and then get pissed off at the world....God, I am soo horrifically mental about so many things right now. The honey called me "hormonal" this morning, and I was ready to launch a whole set of knives at him. Good thing we were on the phone, or else he might decide to not marry me, after seeing my head make a full rotation...

Maybe one of these days, I will try to eat and eat and eat, and then eat more. I will do my very best to eat every carb in sight so I can relish in my wild orca-ness, and then see how I feel...Wait a minute..I did that just last weekend....


I wish I knew how to post pictures on this darn site...I guess I could research it, but I am simply just too lazy. I am so ready to go home. I thought it would be a very productive thing, to try and do my laundry on my lunch hour...WRONG...seven loads, two lottery tickets, a bag of cinnamon graham crackers, a roasted chicken wrap, diet coke, and two strawberry pop-tarts later I find myself cursing the fact that we don't have a working washer. And why in the hell is it that people at laundromats are friggon crazy?! We're all there for the greater good, yet some people are just whacko. I get it...Maybe it's God's way of telling me that it's time to gather up all my quarters and run to the nearest Sears and splurge on that fancy 500 million load capacity washer that I am salivating over...It's like I feel like I am being punished every time I take all 7-9 loads of my laundry to wash it..why is that, it's so weird. Not to mention that after over-eating and getting annoyed at every funny look, I almost completely missed a meeting at work....I already got here about a half hour late this morning. I am just feeling so stinkin' out of sorts today...

Arg...

Oh Yeah

I think I just found my wedding ring!!! It's just a matter of making it happen now. The honey has been diligently seeking out rings that he thinks I would like. He's been scouring the web for me...so sweet...

Purty isn't it?

I just got The Time Traveler's Wife from the library. I am tired of spending money on books that I read really fast and then just leave lying around.. So I discovered the beauty of being frugal. :D

Two whole days of doing nothing...ahh..okay I am doing quite a bit of somethings, working out, cleaning, searching for a new washer...wedding stuff. Hair cut tomorrow Yipee!!!!! I can't wait. My hair salon that I go to es tres chic. Johnnie cuts my hair, isn't that perfect? He kills me, he loves curly hair and does miracles with my wild tresses. I feel like I am in a wonderland, I don't know what to do next, should I run in the rain? Should I continue to feed my ever consuming need to calculate my caloric intake? Should I throw caution to the wind and go have a sundae?
Heck, I might even go get my nails done! Me...miss-I-can-do-everything-myself.

I am resurrecting my open mike conglomerations. I am pretty jazzed about that. They've asked me to do a reading this Thursday, but alas, it will be my first day at work on the new job, and I must leave the lines free for any sort of post work anxiety I might go through. Although I don't expect my day to be short of walking on clouds, I like to give myself some room to breathe.

To feed the every increasing big show epidemic in myself I attended my second Strikeforce event. It was the first time CA ever legalized MMA fighting, with a record breaking event at the HP Pavillion (formely known as the shark tank) about 18K people showed up, in a very long, very exciting, Mixed Martial Arts event. It reminded me of when the honey and I went to Vegas. I felt all hyped up and excited after my first UFC fight. I loved watching their techniques, their submissions, and their knockouts. Although I get irritated when men try to "box it out" so to speak, some people just aren't as strong as they'd like to think and should stick to grappling....At this fight though, Frank Shamrock put on a very good fight Cesar Gracie was in no way, shape or form prepared for that match. Shamrock knocked him out in the first 21 seconds of the first round. We met him and his brother Ken in Vegas a while back. They are really nice in person. Speaking of rounds...man those ring girls wear damn close to nothing. I suppose if I were turned on by them, I would've thought they were hot...Reminds me of what the honey's bachelor party might look like...Ugh, I don't even want to think about it..

Man I was on the edge of my seat for a whoping 4 hours. After l left, I swore I should've been born a man. After a lot of beer, and blood gushing punches and kicks we headed off for Brittainia Arms in downtown SJ. One word..ghtetto...
It was fun, although I did have to say it was rather nice having 6 rather large, and muscular men at my aid when a little pee wee tried to grab my ass. Ahh, the feeling, it was fantastic. The honey was especially sweet, after a few drinks he's so silly. We danced, it was fun.

We did manage to roll into a Taquria (ok my spanglish sucks) I ran into an old sorority sister of mine, very cool, nice chatting with her again. Later we walked back in freezing rain to our hotel room. It was certainly a fun night. I proved myself wrong, I am not, nor will I ever be "one of the guys" but nontheless, it's nice being a little feminine, and able to adapt to being with only men, and no women..It's funny men are so much more fun when they drink..I did manage to stay away from really caloric, "girly" drinks, and stuck with light beer the whole night..

Gotta run, laundry and lunch await me.

Hooray!!!!

They offered, and I accepted...There is a long story behind this, I will post more later, lets just say I am in the safe zone now!!!!!

Another business week....

Ugh I am here again. I thought surely by now I'd be on my way to my new place of employment. I still haven't heard from them officially...Tonight is my Nonna's rosary, and tomorrow morning is her funeral. I bet they will call me on Wednesday and make me an offer, wouldn't that be strange? I won't be here tomorrow at least. I don't know why, I am just dreading working right now, and dealing with the people I work with. I hate being on the spot and scrutinized for my degree of saddness..They will inspect me, assess the seriousness of it all, and then start piling on the work. I really don't want to immerse myself in this bullshit today.

I finished knitting a scarf I started over a year ago, it's nice very theraputic actually I forgot how much I like to knit and make things..

I hosted a family dinner the other night (Saturday) that was fun I made lasagna that is going to last us for days, I also have enough tiramisu to feed an army. The cooking and visiting with my sister / family was such a nice distraction from everything. Now that she is gone, it's like the hard reality of it all is starting to hit me...Nonna is really gone, my sister and brother-in-law have really gone back to the UK. And I have to deal with myself again. My feelings, my saddness. I have to be here working... You see my family is uniquely close. We're so reliant on each other. I got to show my sister my wedding dress, that was a big thing for me, I forget how much I love that dress. I try it on and I instantly feel happy. Its like a drug...I also have dreaded working out, I don't know why. It was such a joy to me, I almost always looked forward to it...I have been eating a lot more and can feel myself hanging onto the extra calories. I have to be stern though, I am planning to look very good for my wedding, so that means I have to have discipline made of steel these next few months...No more dilly-dallying around with my food and workouts.

I have only been here a half hour and feel like it's been ten years. I hope this day goes fast....

Rosalia Lo Schiavo

My Nonna died yesterday. At 1:10 pm she took her last breath. Words cannot describe the saddness I feel.

UnFucking Believable!

OMG, I am so totally pissed off right now. These past few days have been so hard, I have been falling apart left and right and trying to keep my wits straight. Last night, I left work a little early to be with my Nonna. I was at the hospital with her by myself for a couple of hours, it was good. I had the chance to talk to her and show her my true feelings. I guess it's kinda the same thing as talking to someone in a coma. She couldn't respond, only with moving her hand and arm around a bit. It's heart wrenching, but I dealt with it. Every couple of seconds when her breath was deep and she'd exhale and wait a few seconds and take another breath, my heart would jump. I kept thinking each breath she took might be her last....

My family was due to come back to the hosptial a bit later, so I lingered on, just watching her, stroking her hair, and just being there in the moment. I wanted to make sure she was not alone. My cell phone rings. It's work..great...Earlier in the day I created table tents, and name badges for our marketing program's manager Cindi. Here's the thing about Cindi, she is totally self-centered and cares very little for those around her. She thinks the world revolves around her and has a fit when it doesn't. So I helped her out cause I knew she had a big event last night. Normally I don't concern myself with little stuff like that, but it seems to me that everyone here is a template idiot and doesn't know how to layout anything...I printed the table tents, the name badges and counted the inserts. I didn't count the number of strings (that wrap the name badges around your neck) I figured since she supplied me with everything she had a handle on her supplies...

Here I am at the hosptial, and Cindi calls. She is demanding that I go down to San Jose, to bring her more strings for the name badges because I didn't count them and she was short. There were no office supply stores near her and she insisted that I come down there...I told her "No" that I was with my grandma at the hospital by myself and couldn't leave her alone. She blurted out "okay, thanks for your help" and hung up on me!

I was flabbergasted. 1. because she would have the audacity to call me with such a ridiculous request when it's her responsibility...and 2. because she actually thought that I was going to put her needs above the needs of my family. WTF? Does she actually think I give a flying fuck about her stupid name badges!?

This morning, I came in the office ready to rip her a new asshole, but decided against it since I am leaving this place at the end of the month. You see the thing that troubles me is that she called me from my bosse's cell phone. So he knew about it...No fucking compassion at all....

Today I have closed myself in an office so I don't have to deal with any interruptions and can crank through some work. I told my boss this morning in front of her that I didn't have time for name badges and garbage like that today. Today I am on a mission. (I am responsible for laying out a 3 volume book) and no one knows that I am leaving yet, so I am in a pretty big rush to get this done....

Nonna is being moved today from the hospital back to the nursing home. I hope she is going to be okay, I am going to see her after work tonight...I feel bad, my fiance and step son haven't seen me all week, I hate neglecting them. He's been such a sweetheart. The poor little tot is sick today, he's got some sort of flu.....Why does it seem like when it rains, it pours??

One happy little note, my veil and hair piece came in, they're waiting for me to pick it up....At least I have the arrival of a beautiful wedding gown to look forward to...

Buon San Valentino Nonna

The death process has begun. I don't know why I am blogging about this right now. I guess my tears have fallen so numerously that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She is giving up hope on life. They're not sustaining her life, no water, no feeding tubes, now she just lays with her eyes closed, occasionally tugging at her clothes waving one arm around. Not that actively but actively enough for me to know that she is a fighter. She is not letting go that easily. It has been 3 days since her stroke.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.

Strength Through Adversity

I am not quite sure if that is the appropriate headline. but it is what I most deeply desire right now. The weekend progressed slowly and thick like molasses on Friday afternoon, until I got the unusually calm phone call from my mother. Let me set this up for you...I was driving away from work, cheerful, yet a little sad since my very good friend had completed his last day of his semi-two week notice. I thought how much excitement lay before him and felt a genuine happiness in my heart for him because I knew that he would be happy elsewhere. The sad part was me being selfish because I would be stuck in this firey hell pit alone...As I bounded home down the freeway I called my mother, as I usually do at the end of the day to see how she's doing. Turns out that my grandmother (Nonna) has been hospitalized unbeknownst to me. She was having chest pains, and kept getting dizzy. I understood. She's 93 and a little spitfire of a woman, I thought, heck, she'll be fine, she's a fighter...Saturday came, the tot had a great bball game and things when relatively smoothly with the ex-monster. No major disruption. So the fam and I headed over to my folks' place to help with yard work and remodeling. But being the stubborn fitness queen that I am, insisted on a five mile run beforehand. I ran, the tot and the honey bumbled around behind me. about an hour behind me. I finished my run, completed some required wedding phonecalls and waited for them. After this we headed over to my folk's as I'd mentioned, did about 5 hours worth of very tiring manual labor then bounded for the hospital.
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?

Wedding Updates

Well, the honey and I seem to have made huge progress last night in terms of our guest list. After much aggrivation over too much family, I have finally narrowed it down. As I hoard my spreadsheet I do not plan to rehash that nightmare again until I absolutely HAVE to get addresses to send reminders..Which, will be like tonight, tomorrow and probably most of the weekend. I didn't realize how much weight I was shouldering by not doing this sooner. Last night a huge weight was lifted as I drifted off to sleep... Until I woke up at, 3, 4 and 6am... I don't know if it was the evening run or the wedding jitters that kept me awake, but I didn't sleep much last night. It's okay, it got my ass to work a little sooner than normal. Big Whup, now I can do nothing for 8 whole hours instead of 6. Yes, I have been slacking off big time here. I am bored out of my noggin...I am holding so tightly to the fact that my hopefully new employer WIILL call that I am starting to not care so much at all anymore...
Happier news...Spring is starting to sprout! Hooray!!! I love the greenery popping up everywhere. It's like a pretty painting just for me. I can't help but notice the beautiful hues of pink showing up all over the place. My heart is sings at this sight. The warmer temperatures of the past few days have been so refreshing. It's totally renewed my spirits and made me want to be outdoors more than anything. Last night my run was so beautiful, I couldn't help but admire the goregeous setting sun peeking over the hills. What a sight! It made the hour go so much faster, moving scenery, moving water, pinkish swirls of a sunset. I could've eaten it.
I don't know why but I was so overcome with sentiment last night during my run, I started thinking of all my Italian relatives that I miss so dearly. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. It's like this huge opening in my heart opens up when I workout and all the pent up stuff and feelings just come bursting out. I guess it's a literal release for me in so many ways. I thought about my cousin Salvina in particular and I almost cried, and l laughed. I don't know why.. I miss her.
It's funny how caught up we get in our lives, how we let everyday things consume us. There is so much more in this world besides work!!! Honey and I toyed with ideas for the honeymoon. Talks of Greece, Jamaica, Fiji were flying last night. We both agree that we want a tropical climate with activities (not a cruise) but enough night life to keep us awake and drunken with excitement to be there together and away from everything realistic and practical...At least for a week.
I am listening to Jovanotti, what a great voice he has, it's thick like honey, and his pronuncaiation of Italian words brings me back to Tuscany. I love the way the words roll off his tongue and make music. His harmony and singing talent is nothing to brag about but his voice is just so rich.

Okay...I need to run. I have to pretend that I am working or something....

The Fire Blazes On

I am still waiting..waiting...waiting..hoping that they'll call and kick themselves for not hiring me sooner. Work has proven to be challenging, yet again.

One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...

The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....

The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.

I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.

"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."

-Ani Di Franco

When oh When.....

I'm getting spammed like 20 times a day now, for online pharmaceuticals, viagra, and god knows what else. Why is this happening? I don't go browsing at sex sites or anything, especially not when I am working!!! Yes, they're spamming me at work, I know it's just a matter of setting up some rules, but I don't know if I can resist the urge to rule out every person that emails me with a request at this place....which brings me to my next topic...when oh when will "the second most desirable company in the world to work for" call me back to make me the big offer? I say this because, I have always considered pixar to be the coolest place to work at, only because I have always wanted to be a computer animator...But I will definitely take the next best thing...I can't disclose the name of the company, but let's just say that I will forever lead a life of games if I get this job. Yes, I am targeting the gaming industry. I think it's a lucrative career move as a designer / creative person. This could be good. This could be really good. In fact this could be amazing....We shall see, I guess time can only tell me what is possible.

Last night I ran. I ran and ran and ran. And still I had pent up premenstrual angst that I just couldn't shake. I am planning on running my first half marathon in April if my schedule permits. I guess I am getting tired of running without a cause. It will be fun, hopefully it will break me free of my shell of lone running. I don't know why I find so much satisfaction in running alone. I just love it, my favorite time of the day is just before sunset....ahh I can run for hours at that time of day...If only I could talk the sun into not completely setting for me, now that would be cool.

The tot has a game this weekend, where only the ex-monster and I will be attending. This ought to be interesting. Not that I mind her that much anymore, I guess I just don't care much for the personal probbing. Like I am something for her to outshine or outdo, which is okay I guess..Hey if it makes her a better person, I am all for it. I enjoy chatting with her, but sometimes I feel like it's just to see what I am doing, and how she could do it beter.

The honey is going to be out of town, which is okay with me, we're especially overdue for some needed r&r apart for a day or two. You know how that is..when you have had so much of each other that it's just aggrivating after a while. The only problem is that I am so hopelessly attached to him, that even the dog and I get a little down by ourselves when he is gone.

hmm...running....dog....nah...I like my time alone too much...Isn't that sad, that our dog seems like an impediment right now? The good thing about the "second most diserable company in the world to work for" is that I think it will require quite a bit of traveling, which I think will be good for me right now at this point in my life....I have always equated traveling for "grown ups" Like I never really made it to that step. So this will be a "grown up" job with "grown up" responsibilities....I am ready for this next step...

Ya know..I really can't stand this feeling like I am going to blow up. Not that I am pissed off or anything, but for some odd reason I can almost understand the road rage, the angry customers in line at the post office, and the overworked and still working out people at the gym...Isn't that sad? I am not a violent person. well, not all the time, but damn I would make an excellent fighter. I wonder why I never got involved in professional fighting, I definitely have the drive and the raging hormones to do it. I just don't want to mess up my face and body...Yeah, probably not a good idea to mess with my real estate. I am not getting any younger so the chances of bouncing back quick are not as good as they might've been had I been in my 20's.
This is theraputic I think, the more I write, the better I feel, the less I feel like whacking someone. This is good. God, I can't stop checking email...when oh when are they going to call me???? I can't wait anymore!!!!!!!