The Roundest of Them All

In a moment of premenstrual weekness today, I stuffed my face with McDonald. Yes, I can't believe it, me, Ms. Step Aerobics herself. I ate a big 'n tasty, small fries, and a diet coke, like the diet coke would save me from falling off the edge of my daily allowance of calories and fat.
I haven't written in a while. I noticed that everything was starting to suffer, not because of the blogging per say, but because I felt that I was indulging in too much self disgust and anger. Things have changed quite a bit, I've been more productive at work and still not happy with it, but I am trying to promote myself within the company I am not having a lot of luck with it thus far, but at least they know now that I am not going to be in this line of work forever.
Things with the boy have been inching along, there have been a few rough patches, but nothing that isn't manageable. I've noticed though that I am in this increasing hurry to get married and settle down. Perhaps my biological clock is tick-tocking a little too loud, but I just have so many plans. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately too. Sometimes I run my hand over my tummy and wonder what it will be like when I finally decide to house a little one in there. What will he/she look like? What sort of mom will I be? What sort of dad will the honey be? What sort of family could we have? Will I be happy or resentful? I think back to words that a friend of mine said a while ago, she said, after having her daughter, she wondered why she waited so long for this? It was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I am not as career driven as I used to be. I guess I get discouraged from not being able to climb this corporate ladder. I can't seem to get to the next rung. So, maybe I am thinking about babies by default...Not sure. I've seen my cousin and her daughter a lot lately, and when I see that happy shiney little face I just want to kiss her all over. I've held her sweet little face in my hands and my heart melts, it's scary how special she is to me, and she isn't even mine. But I am so close to my cousin, that we're almost like sisters, so naturally anything of hers, I feel like it's mine as well. I love that little baby, I can see why my cousin wants to change her life and be the best that she can be. Maybe that's it, I am in a slump. I am not really seeing a need to be the best that I can be, why? For what reason? To prove it to the world that I can? I know that I can, I know that I can be at least ten pound lighter too. I've just gotten lazy and a little complacent over the pas year. My burning drive to please and to look amazing is sort of fading...
I'm feeling lethargic, tired, sore (did a crazy kick-boxing class last night) and down on myself for not being more restrictive with my pre-menstrual cravings. Again, they have gotten the better of me. I can almost feel the downward spiral suck me in. I know it's all psychological, I can choose to not let this get to me.
Yes, I have the power of choice. I have the power and ability to pull myself out of all this bullshit. I know I can. I believe in myself, I know that I am a strong woman, stubborn as hell and proud of it.
I wanted to go do something spontaneous this weekend and the honey got all irritated with me because he had his heart set on golf.... but what can I do? Maybe I will go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get a tree, but he didn't want to do that without the tot. I just wanted to do it without any arguing. There has been a lot of that going around lately. I don't know if it's because the tot is getting to a argumentative age or if he really just doesn't like me being around. I just try to stay out of it, but it wears on you after a while, when closing the door and trying to be alone just doesn't cut it. It's so funny because as a child, I was so happy and peaceful, always smiling and laughing. And look at me know, a heap of emotional matter, rounding out to be a longing mother with very few friends that even want to socialize with me anymore. I sometimes wish for that excitement, that spark which new relationships bring, that giddiness, but I know that it always fades. I don't want a new relationship, I just want this one to go forward and perservere. I thought about that today, why am I always comparing him to others? Why do I compare myself to the ex-monster? Why do I always feel like whatever I do, it's never enough? Has this just come full circle? Is the timer on the stove ringing because it will overcook if I don't pull it out of the oven? Or is it ringing because preheating has finished and I can finally plop my goods in to cook?
I can't stand this time of the month, I usually can't sleep, I cry a lot and I always have to re-think the direction of my life. When is it going to just stay in one place? When will my hormones allow me to have an emotionally normal and cry-fee/non-life altering moment of just plain happiness? I would settle for bliss, but somehow I think thats asking for too much.
I need to run, too much stuff to do before the end of the business day and I am already behind....Back to the daily grind.

Confessions of a Step-Monster

(written 8/16/04)


Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….

On Climbing Half Dome

10/8/04 The Day that I climbed Half Dome...

The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.

The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.

She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.

The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.

She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.

That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."

Soymilk Anger (written 10/5/04)

Soymilk Anger

Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.

Friday Afternoon Blues (written 9/24/04)

Friday Afternoon Blues

This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…

Bobble Head (written 9/7/04)

Bobble-head firefighting girl

Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….

I Wish

I wish we could talk
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.

I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.

I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.

I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.

I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.

I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.

I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.

They

Things that I learned as a child / adult and now, words that I heard them say and started to believe as true.

You look like a boy
You're lazy
You're too insecure
you're dishonest
you're chubby
you're skinny
you have a lot of acne
you're let men in too quickly
you're too different
you're too clingy / needy
you need to grow up
you're too emotional
you're too moody
you rely on ________ too much
He can't give you what you need
If we don't do _________ for you, no one will
Why couldn't you be smarter like your sister?
you're a "satisfactory" student
you don't apply yourself
you can make money from art
you never have any money
you can't ever trust anyone %100
you're too fat
I can't trust you
you have a big mouth
you don't come to see me enough, you don't care about me.
you let me down
you're not good enough

My response: This is the closest I could come to releasing all this crap. I never realized that I took these words to be my own truths. It's time to let them go...

"They" by Jem

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too
Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Emotional Hangover

After reading all that I aired out last night, I feel lousy. Lousy that I let something so, I don't know, not small, but something not that big, penetrate me like that. How could I get so rattled just from a stupid conversation about a church? How could he? I know there is so much more to that than what lies on the surface. There is the hump of getting over an ex-wife in my opinion. Who knows, I may never "get over it." Perhaps I will struggle with this throughout our entire relationship, and perhaps I may not. Regardless I still need help in not letting things bother me so much. This morning he woke up all chipper, and here I was, still obviously hung up on the issues that dominated the night before. I couldn't shake it, and a part of me still can't. I don't want to just sweep things under the rug, and assume that life is fine and dandy. This is something that needs resolution. It needs airing out, it need erradicating. Yes, I like that word. ERRADICATE. I will erradicate her from my thoughts. I will not allow myself to be sucked into the abyss that is the damaging insecurity complex of him having had a wife before me. I think about it and even now, I want to cry. I have always wanted to be someone's first. First everything, wife, mother, lover. I was all those things to an ex, and I threw it away like yesterday's garbage. I wasn't ready at the time that he was, I didn't love him anymore. I don't know if I ever loved him in the way that he loved me. I wasn't ever moved by him sexually, I didn't get excited by him, I didn't feel the quake of love. Not the way that I feel for this honey. This has been one of the most up and down relationships I have ever had. Sometime it rattles my core. And what is more strange, is that whatever is going on with us, will ultimately have an impact on the tot. Even if no exchange of words are shared, there is just a feeling in the air, and the tot picks up on it. It is very true, children are so entirely suseptible to their environments. They are so moldable. I should be more careful about what I allow to upset me and what the tot sees between his father and I. I have never intended for the tot to witness arguements or lose respect for either of us. In a way, I have let myself down in that department. I know I should have set a better example, I should have shown him that I love his father, not how much he enrages me sometimes. Yes, I guess I should take this as my next goal, to not allow things to bother me so much. To show the tot that it is possible for two adults to have a mutually respectable and loving relationship without arguing all the time, or showing lousy control of emotions.
The tot isn't my son, but I love him so much. Even when he has enraged me, he always comes back to me with a kiss and hug everready for me. This makes me want to cry and kick myself for behaving so foolishly. The tot was asleep last night, but I think he can sense things, even in his sleep. And sometimes, he's really quite and pretends to be asleep, and he listens... And sometimes I just listen, to the sound of this life going on around me, our lives being intertwined, our lives changing and twisting around like a baby that doesn’t want to be changed, our lives as a family of three.

Is this wrong?

I'm so angry right now. I was trying to go to bed when we had an argument about the church that he used to go to. The fact is that he really wants to go back there, he feels like something is missing from his life. And my truth, doesn't really matter to him, but I don't want to revisit a place that he frequented so much with his ex-wfie. Now we're in separate rooms, and I am angry as hell. Why can't he understand that? Why doesnt' he get the fact that I want to do something that was / is different from what they were? Is this the wrong relationship for me? Have I committed myself to someone who may never change? We're so different sometimes I am not even sure if we can survive. We've ben arguing a lot lately. I've been working out a lot more, I feel like I always want to get away when we start acting like this, like I just want to run far from here and not look back. Avoidance? Or maybe I am just trying to look out for myself. I just got my gym bag together and now I am writing away like a madwoman. I almost wish my gym were always open, I might even be there right now if it were.
Why can't I get past her? Why is she still such a huge road block for me? Why do I feel like I am walking in the shadow of another woman? Like I am not valued for being the woman that I am. Maybe "me" isn't enough...Maybe I am not enough for me? Like maybe I should try to be stronger and not latch onto him when he pulls away. Let him walk away, I won't die. I have survived worse. Or have I?
I feel like I am cornered in a room full of jagged edges. I am pushed up against a wall, and I am screaming, wait, wait I am just a circle here, I am doing my best to fit in, but I just don't seem to be fitting, no matter how hard I try. It's like those construction toys for kids, you get a red plastic hammer, and you just pound the shape through the appropriate hole. I am being pounded into place but I am a circle, and I don't fit into the triangular shape that I am being forced into.
The triangle before me, she fit in just right, but I don't really know what went wrong, maybe that's were I am failing. I'm trying to puzzle something together that should be left in pieces. But he wants me to be in the shape of that lovely triangle, and I am not. I am one spherically unavoidable circle.
Before him and I moved in together, I used to be online so much. I spent hours at a time chatting and just passing thoughts around online with complete strangers. It wasn't lust driven either, well at least not all of it. I had intelligent conversations with people, thought about life in so many different ways and wondered how people could ever let themselves go and allow other to change them. I vowed that I would always be true to myself, and I feel like even I have let myself down. Because here I sit, this cold circle in my own living room typing away at my circular computer, dumbfounded in this misshapen household that I find myself in.
It's starting to rain outside. How fucking appropriate. It's just how I am feeling on the inside, I really just want to cry but I won't let myself tonight. I will not let him see the soft side of me anymore, I refuse to be weak and allow him to feel like he has won. I will not cry. This is wrong. Peole shouldn't feel this way about the people they love. Why do I feel this way with him? How can one person so easily turn my whole world upside-down? what happened to those firmly planted feet of mine? I think they started to sink in the quicksand beneath me. Because I find myself in knee deep shit, that I am stuck in. There are no branches around me for me to grab hold of, I will sink until someone passes by and sees the top of my head perhpas, and decides to lend me a hand....
The anger is starting to quell. I can feel it passing through me, this is how it happens. Then I feel guilty usually for the nasty words that have passed though my mouth. Words that I have allowed to penetrate the air and create a nice fat triangular wedge between us. I heard sometime ago that words are dangerous in a relationship, there are things that you cannot take back. I am starting to think that actions don't speak louder than words, because my words and the words being thown around this relationship have been hurtful and angry and intended to leave scars. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but I think we're definitely past the point of really caring right now. My feelings aren't being heard, and that hurts more than someone just walking away. It's a metaphorical way of telling someone that I don't give a shit about you, I am closing the emotional door on your face, and you will just have to come back tomorrow. He does this to me all the time, he can't handle how expressive I am about things, how much I want to "talk" all the time. Is this wrong, is it all wrong? I want to wash away with the rain that is running down the streets, cold and dark right now, I want to wash away into the sea where my body will be stretched to infinite sizes and my heart won't hurt because it will already be frigid and cold.

The Firey Pit of Hell

I was already having a very rushed morning. I do that a lot I've noticed. I run around like a chicken with my head cutt off in the mornings. I did it again, I could hardly believe it. I locked myself out of the house...AGAIN...Here I am running out to the car to give the honey some bandaids and stuff for the tot, and I turn around breathing in deeply enjoying the morning air, reminding myself that I don't have much time to waste until I am officially late. I grab the door knob, and noticed that it's locked....*growling to myself*
The honey bailed me out of this one, just like he did last time. I felt so dumb. Then I rush into work, late, scrambling around like a madwoman only after our corporate credit card was declined, I tired to by some flowers for the office, and made the cashier cancel the whole darn transaction. Daming the IT department all the way to work, I decided to consult with a financial friend of mine on the status of our finances.
This week is going to be a very interesting one. Tonight I will be reading at an open mic night at a local bookstore. I am so incredibly horrified of large audiences,, but this one is going to critique me! I will keep steady with my affirmations. I am not afraid, I will do well. I am a success. Funny enough, theses words actually make me feel better, not just when I say them over and over again, but when I actually feel them.
Last night I had a hard time going to sleep. I had a pretty bad case of the jitters. This Saturday is my ten year high school reunion, and man am I nervous! I felt like a bird that hit a glass window, and just bounced off. The coast looked clear but I was in no form to fly. It's a little embarrassing to share these kinds of jitters with someone, it seems so elementary. It's only embarrassing because I have so much feeling about it all. I know I am not like I used to be, I feel so different, grown up and changed. I feel like I have very little in common with the people that might possbily be attending, but who knows, maybe I am just being a little judgemental. Perhaps I will have loads in common with my former high school peers. There is one person in particular that I don't wish to run into. A certain ex of mine, that I would like to personally hurt myself. I bet it would feel really good to tear his heart out by the roots, and then step on it...Then I would do a little dance of glee, and skip off into the sunset...No, I'm not an angry person, no pent up feelings here. Although I'm not so sure which rock that crawled out from underneath...I saw an ad for the new Mortal Combat game, that looks awesome...Okay, why am I geeking out all of a sudden? I'm telling you this high school reunion thing has me upside-down and inside-out. Hold on, I'm calling my cousin so I can drag her ass down into the firey pit of hell with me, the pit that I'm calling my high school reunion.

Wee wee Mon Cheri

I really want to be at the gym right now, especially since I am missing a super good hardcore class. Grrr. I've been slacking off a bit at work, and felt that I should probably be present a bit more than I have been in the recent past. Not to mention that they let go of one of their more senior people for performace purposes. I fear for my own stability here sometimes.

I will do the 5:45 class instead, which is okay, I don't really care for the teacher much since I've known her since elementary school. There's just something that bugs me about taking instruction from a girl that I know that I am older than...Her class is pretty good actually, I just hate having to miss the home activities aferwords. I know the honey will need to do dinner on his own if I go to class. This always makes me feel horrible, like I am dumping a burden on his shoulders, but then time passes and I get cranky because I am not taking care of my body...Actually I think I will do what I've been promising myself to do, my circuit training program tonight, yes that sounds like a better plan, tonight, Wednesday and Friday night with cardio days in between....No, I hate working out on Friday nights....
My mom told me over the weekend that she thinks I'm obsessed about working out. She implied that I push myself too hard. In fact I couldn't agree less, I feel like I've been slacking off too much! I think she sees this little internal fight I've been having with myself, and I feel bad for making her worry about me. The truth is, I discovered working out about a year ago, I did weight training constantly three times a week at least for three months. I shed 25 lbs. and became so addicted to feeling that good, that I haven't wanted to stop since. I've been doing more cardio, and find them both hard to balance, either I am doing one or the other in excess....

This weekend, I had my haircut. It felt like she cutt off so much! I know in reality I am just being hypersensitive about it. As ridiculous as it may sound, I've felt that my hair has become my security blanket, something I can hide behind. Silly, I know.

On Thursday night I rented Ameile. I love that movie!! It makes me want to eat croissants and espresso and move to Paris. Amelie's character reminds me so much of myself, which isn't a bad thing I suppose because I think she's super cute :)
It rained this weekend. I love the smell of the first rain of the season. It actually makes me feel like the seasons are changing, when in reality they're not very much. California is phenomenal for that. We hardly see the changing of the seasons. Here and there there will be a pretty sizable downpour, but even that is seldom.

I feel like my writing has been become mundane and boring, like I don't have anything to really express or at least express creatively. I've been happier, I guess that happens sometimes, when we become happy we get complacent and maybe even a little boring. The hun and I haven't been fighting, which is music to my ears, and the tot is doing just fine. I will find here and there that I will have a minor moment of displacement where I feel like ringing necks, but that as of late has been a rare occurance. I did however, notice that last night the tot and I got along famously. He responds well to affection. And when he notices that I've stopped, he will tug at me for more. He is precious. I often times wish he was born to me. Oh, I'd better not go there, for fear of who might read this and get a little upset about my true feelings. It's unfortunate though how torn I know he must feel. Often I notice that he feels that he has to choose between mommy figures. I try to emphasize that he doesn't, that the additional figure (me) is just there to compliment all that he already has. But how does one explain this to a nine year old? Hi, I'm here kissing your daddy, and loving him until my heart explodes, and I love you as well in so many ways, but...I'm in no way shape or form your mommy....Talk about confusing. I think I would've been extremely confused at his age. At his age, I was still playing with Barbies, and fighting off my older sisiter...Luckily my parents stayed together. I'm impressed with the glue of their coupling. They've been married for over 35 years, and counting. They know each other better than anyone does. What's more scary is that they know me pretty darn well too. I never really cut the apron strings, and don't really care to anytime soon. But that's just me, and I know for a fact that I am made of a different fabric than most people. That is fine with me though, because mon cheri, I know that I am one in a million.

The End of Another Business Week

Man am I tired today, not as tired as yesterday, but this week just flew by. I'm pretty proud of myself, I've been keeping a pretty tight workout schedule this week, with only one day missed so far. I've noticed that old age seems to be gripping me by the throat. I've discovered that I think I am lactose intollerant! I love milk!
The day is a bit more chilly, the past few days have been warmer, I've noticed that my skin is changing, could it be because I've approached 29 so quickily?
The clouds are thinly covering the sky today, maybe that's why is a bit cooler. Tonight, the honey and I are going on a date. I don't know what he has planned, actually we usually just play things by ear, neither of us has any sort of interest in planning anything out. I'm noticing that my entires aren't so funny anymore. I haven't been laughing as much. Not crying or anything, well not today at least, I've just run out of writer's steam. Is this what they call "writers block?"
I don't want to vent too much about the honey, well because things seem to be running more smoothly, and I really don't want to jinx anything...But what is abook without drama? It's funny because I spend so much time hoping that things will calm down so our relationship can be "norml" but now I am bored with my life...Climbing Half Dome was a thrill! I definitely will do that again. My birthday came and went the day after..I got a mountain bike that I am planning to ride quite a bit.
Last night I rented the movie "Amelie" I love that little French flick. She is so sweet and innocent and silly. In so many ways she reminds me of the way I was a few years ago.
Last night I dreamnt of the ex-monster. I dreamnt that she was hosting a party at our house, but it wasn't really my house, it was my childhood friend's house (huge) and I was extremely pissed because so many people kept ringing the doorbell and occupying our space. His excuse was, this was her thing, and it was okay with him for her to use our house! I was thinking, WTF??? Eeiwww. So needless to say I woke up on the cranky side. But it felt so good when he snuggled up next to me, he does that in the mornings sometimes, I love it. I don't think I am an easy person to sleep with. I am ALWAYS cold, I hog up the blankets, toss and turn all night and to top it all off is the fact that I am really active in my sleep, and have been known to kick around alot whilst dreaming.
Well, just as I feel this little engine has started to warm up, I must say goodbye. I get to go home and enjoy a fun-filled weekend, doing, laundry, chores, and maybe a little biking riding, with a haircut sprinkled in there somewhere. I am so excited but so nervous about it! I am the biggest chicken when it comes to getting my hair done!

TTFN!

Hello!

This is my very fist blog...I guess I am now a "blogger" ha haa. Thank you for calling, how may I blog you :)
Okay, this is just silly, I wanted to see how my first post looked. LJ was getting a little crowded, I sort of like this private little niche. I suppose this will be a good place to put my writing, nice, safe, and private I think....