Hooray!!!!

They offered, and I accepted...There is a long story behind this, I will post more later, lets just say I am in the safe zone now!!!!!

Another business week....

Ugh I am here again. I thought surely by now I'd be on my way to my new place of employment. I still haven't heard from them officially...Tonight is my Nonna's rosary, and tomorrow morning is her funeral. I bet they will call me on Wednesday and make me an offer, wouldn't that be strange? I won't be here tomorrow at least. I don't know why, I am just dreading working right now, and dealing with the people I work with. I hate being on the spot and scrutinized for my degree of saddness..They will inspect me, assess the seriousness of it all, and then start piling on the work. I really don't want to immerse myself in this bullshit today.

I finished knitting a scarf I started over a year ago, it's nice very theraputic actually I forgot how much I like to knit and make things..

I hosted a family dinner the other night (Saturday) that was fun I made lasagna that is going to last us for days, I also have enough tiramisu to feed an army. The cooking and visiting with my sister / family was such a nice distraction from everything. Now that she is gone, it's like the hard reality of it all is starting to hit me...Nonna is really gone, my sister and brother-in-law have really gone back to the UK. And I have to deal with myself again. My feelings, my saddness. I have to be here working... You see my family is uniquely close. We're so reliant on each other. I got to show my sister my wedding dress, that was a big thing for me, I forget how much I love that dress. I try it on and I instantly feel happy. Its like a drug...I also have dreaded working out, I don't know why. It was such a joy to me, I almost always looked forward to it...I have been eating a lot more and can feel myself hanging onto the extra calories. I have to be stern though, I am planning to look very good for my wedding, so that means I have to have discipline made of steel these next few months...No more dilly-dallying around with my food and workouts.

I have only been here a half hour and feel like it's been ten years. I hope this day goes fast....

Rosalia Lo Schiavo

My Nonna died yesterday. At 1:10 pm she took her last breath. Words cannot describe the saddness I feel.

UnFucking Believable!

OMG, I am so totally pissed off right now. These past few days have been so hard, I have been falling apart left and right and trying to keep my wits straight. Last night, I left work a little early to be with my Nonna. I was at the hospital with her by myself for a couple of hours, it was good. I had the chance to talk to her and show her my true feelings. I guess it's kinda the same thing as talking to someone in a coma. She couldn't respond, only with moving her hand and arm around a bit. It's heart wrenching, but I dealt with it. Every couple of seconds when her breath was deep and she'd exhale and wait a few seconds and take another breath, my heart would jump. I kept thinking each breath she took might be her last....

My family was due to come back to the hosptial a bit later, so I lingered on, just watching her, stroking her hair, and just being there in the moment. I wanted to make sure she was not alone. My cell phone rings. It's work..great...Earlier in the day I created table tents, and name badges for our marketing program's manager Cindi. Here's the thing about Cindi, she is totally self-centered and cares very little for those around her. She thinks the world revolves around her and has a fit when it doesn't. So I helped her out cause I knew she had a big event last night. Normally I don't concern myself with little stuff like that, but it seems to me that everyone here is a template idiot and doesn't know how to layout anything...I printed the table tents, the name badges and counted the inserts. I didn't count the number of strings (that wrap the name badges around your neck) I figured since she supplied me with everything she had a handle on her supplies...

Here I am at the hosptial, and Cindi calls. She is demanding that I go down to San Jose, to bring her more strings for the name badges because I didn't count them and she was short. There were no office supply stores near her and she insisted that I come down there...I told her "No" that I was with my grandma at the hospital by myself and couldn't leave her alone. She blurted out "okay, thanks for your help" and hung up on me!

I was flabbergasted. 1. because she would have the audacity to call me with such a ridiculous request when it's her responsibility...and 2. because she actually thought that I was going to put her needs above the needs of my family. WTF? Does she actually think I give a flying fuck about her stupid name badges!?

This morning, I came in the office ready to rip her a new asshole, but decided against it since I am leaving this place at the end of the month. You see the thing that troubles me is that she called me from my bosse's cell phone. So he knew about it...No fucking compassion at all....

Today I have closed myself in an office so I don't have to deal with any interruptions and can crank through some work. I told my boss this morning in front of her that I didn't have time for name badges and garbage like that today. Today I am on a mission. (I am responsible for laying out a 3 volume book) and no one knows that I am leaving yet, so I am in a pretty big rush to get this done....

Nonna is being moved today from the hospital back to the nursing home. I hope she is going to be okay, I am going to see her after work tonight...I feel bad, my fiance and step son haven't seen me all week, I hate neglecting them. He's been such a sweetheart. The poor little tot is sick today, he's got some sort of flu.....Why does it seem like when it rains, it pours??

One happy little note, my veil and hair piece came in, they're waiting for me to pick it up....At least I have the arrival of a beautiful wedding gown to look forward to...

Buon San Valentino Nonna

The death process has begun. I don't know why I am blogging about this right now. I guess my tears have fallen so numerously that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She is giving up hope on life. They're not sustaining her life, no water, no feeding tubes, now she just lays with her eyes closed, occasionally tugging at her clothes waving one arm around. Not that actively but actively enough for me to know that she is a fighter. She is not letting go that easily. It has been 3 days since her stroke.
I got a confirmation that the place I want to work for is going to offer me a job, it was a momentary thrill until I realized the weight of saddness was not through with me just yet.
My very pregnant sister arrived today. Nonna put her arm and hand on her tummy. Somehow she knew that is was my sister. Somehow she stroked her bulging tummy. There before me, life and death, eye to eye. It was like some strange thing in the unverse stopped for a single moment as if to give us all a moment of repreive from the mourning.
I held baby in my sister's tummy. I stroked it, I even gave it a kiss. She is so sweet and glowing. She is beautiful. Baby is going to be her life. I know it. She is going to be such a good mother.
Last night, Nonna was irate, she was taking her clothe off and swatting at everyone in sight, she was angry and in pain. Today she was so different. Breathing heavily, with her eyes shut as I mentioned before. I think it's just a matter of days that she has left. Its so bewildering to watch someone's life slip away more and more everyday, and know that there is not one single thing that I can do about it.
My heart aches tonight. It's heavy with feelings. Feelings that I am willing to feel and go through. I know there is more than this. I know that I will feel happy again, but for right now, I just want to honor Nonna as she slowly slips away from me.
I drew her a picture of two angels surrounding a heart that read "buon san valentino Nonna" Translation: "Happy Valentine's Day Grandma." she always loved my drawings.
I hope that she opens her eyes just once to see the angles welcoming her with open wings. I just want to close my eyes and not feel for a few hours. I want, I want, I don't even know what that even means right now. I know that this is the last Valentines Day I will experience as a single person before I am married. This is the most sad Valentine's Day I have ever experienced.
It's gusty and windy outside, it's perfect, the moon is full and the sky is clear. This is the perfect night to feel alive. I am giving my dreams up to the moon, in hopes that she can give me back a conscience clean of clutter and worry.

Strength Through Adversity

I am not quite sure if that is the appropriate headline. but it is what I most deeply desire right now. The weekend progressed slowly and thick like molasses on Friday afternoon, until I got the unusually calm phone call from my mother. Let me set this up for you...I was driving away from work, cheerful, yet a little sad since my very good friend had completed his last day of his semi-two week notice. I thought how much excitement lay before him and felt a genuine happiness in my heart for him because I knew that he would be happy elsewhere. The sad part was me being selfish because I would be stuck in this firey hell pit alone...As I bounded home down the freeway I called my mother, as I usually do at the end of the day to see how she's doing. Turns out that my grandmother (Nonna) has been hospitalized unbeknownst to me. She was having chest pains, and kept getting dizzy. I understood. She's 93 and a little spitfire of a woman, I thought, heck, she'll be fine, she's a fighter...Saturday came, the tot had a great bball game and things when relatively smoothly with the ex-monster. No major disruption. So the fam and I headed over to my folks' place to help with yard work and remodeling. But being the stubborn fitness queen that I am, insisted on a five mile run beforehand. I ran, the tot and the honey bumbled around behind me. about an hour behind me. I finished my run, completed some required wedding phonecalls and waited for them. After this we headed over to my folk's as I'd mentioned, did about 5 hours worth of very tiring manual labor then bounded for the hospital.
The scene wasn't too bad, everyone gathered around Nonna's bed, watching her with scrutinizing eyes, but noticing that she was basically herself, skipping dinner and eating dessert and coffee. I learn from the best. The situation was tense only because of months of in-law bickering. We're fiesty Italians, what can one expect? So forced to be in the same room we kept the peace for Nonna's sake. It was cool. I was totally okay with it. After dinner we went home. I passed out early on in the evening due to unusal use of my back, arms and legs for moving drums, whacking weeds, moving cement and lumber. It felt good to work so hard.
Sunday morning, my cell phone rings, twice, once it's my best friend in CO trying to touch base with me, only a few hours between us, but we can't seem to get our scheules straight. It's 7am. or thereabouts. 7:30, cell rings again, this time I am determined to turn it off, only it's my mother calling. My Nonna had a stroke in the middle of the night it seems and they had been at the hospital since the wee hours. I immediately threw my clothes on, kissed the sleeping honey and the tot watching cartoons and took off for the hospital.
I called my very pregnant sister in the UK, hating to be the bearer of such bad news, especially to a person who is in such a fragile state. The fog was unusally thick and blinding that morning. I got to the hospital and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw. My mother and father were standing chatting with Nonna's doctor, looking very worn and tired. Nonna, lay in the bed with her eyes glazed over. She was paralyzed on the right side of her body, her eye and mouth drooping on one side. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when I reached down to hug her she held me so tightly with her one hand and arm. She kept reaching out for my mother and father and just wanted to be held. She made moaning sounds that I couldn't distinguish. I couldn't help but notice that her leg kept twitching uncontrollably..For a woman who used to be such a talker, I imagined this to be the most excruciating thing possible. She had suffered blockage in a valve going to her heart, so blood flow to her brain ceased as well. She has developed water in her lungs and is bleeding internally. From where we don't know...I touched her hair, stroked her face and tried to show her how much I loved her through my eyes. she was completely dellusional pointing to the ceiling montioning that she was going to leave, she wanted to know if we would leave her too... I stayed for another 5 hours, just watching her, listening, crying. The rest of the weekend was so numb, so dry. I can't function like I did. I feel a welt of saddness when I eat. Only because she can't eat or drink, or talk. They're giving her enough morphine to drug me ten times over. She seems to be developing a tolerance to it, as she isn't showing signs of getting sick anymore. When I left, I hugged her so tightly, I noticed tears slipped from the corners of her eyes....
I don't know what to do, so I have turned my thoughts to Jesus. I ask that she is taken care of. I want her to be united her late husband and family in heaven. But I am being selfish and can't let go. I am unable to process this, I just feel stuck. I am repeating the same painful scenes in my head over and over again like a sad movie that you just can't stop watching. Life and death happen everyday. Everyday someone dies, but we never really realize how painful it is until it's so close to one that you love. It's so close it's defeaning. I couldn't wake up this morning, I felt drugged. I didn't want to get out of bed and get on with the day. I want this to be made better. I want her to bounce out of that darned hospital bed and talk and talk and talk the way she used to. A few months back when I told her how important it was to me for her to be at my wedding, she only repsonded with "If I am still alive, I don't know if I will make it that long." I told her not to be silly that as my last remaining grandparent, she HAD to be there, I said I couldn't get married without her there.
I feel like I am going to be sick...My eyes ache and my heart is heavy. I wish I could be stronger. I wish that I didn't feel so much all the time. This is life, this is the hard part, the part that requires each of us to process these feelings and go through them, and then let go of them. This is how it feels to be human I guess. I just forgot how painful loss felt. I keep thinking of how I am going to feel when she does leave us, how will I react? Will this pit of sorrow in my stomach dissipate? Will I breathe easier? Will I ever think about her and not cry?

Wedding Updates

Well, the honey and I seem to have made huge progress last night in terms of our guest list. After much aggrivation over too much family, I have finally narrowed it down. As I hoard my spreadsheet I do not plan to rehash that nightmare again until I absolutely HAVE to get addresses to send reminders..Which, will be like tonight, tomorrow and probably most of the weekend. I didn't realize how much weight I was shouldering by not doing this sooner. Last night a huge weight was lifted as I drifted off to sleep... Until I woke up at, 3, 4 and 6am... I don't know if it was the evening run or the wedding jitters that kept me awake, but I didn't sleep much last night. It's okay, it got my ass to work a little sooner than normal. Big Whup, now I can do nothing for 8 whole hours instead of 6. Yes, I have been slacking off big time here. I am bored out of my noggin...I am holding so tightly to the fact that my hopefully new employer WIILL call that I am starting to not care so much at all anymore...
Happier news...Spring is starting to sprout! Hooray!!! I love the greenery popping up everywhere. It's like a pretty painting just for me. I can't help but notice the beautiful hues of pink showing up all over the place. My heart is sings at this sight. The warmer temperatures of the past few days have been so refreshing. It's totally renewed my spirits and made me want to be outdoors more than anything. Last night my run was so beautiful, I couldn't help but admire the goregeous setting sun peeking over the hills. What a sight! It made the hour go so much faster, moving scenery, moving water, pinkish swirls of a sunset. I could've eaten it.
I don't know why but I was so overcome with sentiment last night during my run, I started thinking of all my Italian relatives that I miss so dearly. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. It's like this huge opening in my heart opens up when I workout and all the pent up stuff and feelings just come bursting out. I guess it's a literal release for me in so many ways. I thought about my cousin Salvina in particular and I almost cried, and l laughed. I don't know why.. I miss her.
It's funny how caught up we get in our lives, how we let everyday things consume us. There is so much more in this world besides work!!! Honey and I toyed with ideas for the honeymoon. Talks of Greece, Jamaica, Fiji were flying last night. We both agree that we want a tropical climate with activities (not a cruise) but enough night life to keep us awake and drunken with excitement to be there together and away from everything realistic and practical...At least for a week.
I am listening to Jovanotti, what a great voice he has, it's thick like honey, and his pronuncaiation of Italian words brings me back to Tuscany. I love the way the words roll off his tongue and make music. His harmony and singing talent is nothing to brag about but his voice is just so rich.

Okay...I need to run. I have to pretend that I am working or something....

The Fire Blazes On

I am still waiting..waiting...waiting..hoping that they'll call and kick themselves for not hiring me sooner. Work has proven to be challenging, yet again.

One of my closest friends is leaving here, I am not quite sure how this place is going to function without him, he is our pillar. I am just waiting to jump from this tall building, it's like the rest of it is on fire and I am choking to death up here....
I have had to endure migraines for the past week. Not the coolest thing in the world to go through, in fact it's been excruciating. Totally put me out of commission for a few days. I am not a big fan of complaining, I hate it when I have to listen to it, so I am working on this myself...

The ex-monster and I had to deal with each other this past weekend. The tot had a game and the honey wasn't there with me. I think she really does laugh at me. It's sad that I care...I guess I just want to feel like we're on equal footing, and I know we're not. I feel like she sees me as some child that just doesn't know what she's doing. The honey thinks I am ions ahead of her. Maybe so, I guess the engagement ring on my finger is more than substatial proof of this. I just felt aggrivated with her this weekend. I don't know why. I guess I could expand on this more if I were feeling especially analytical, but I don't have it in me today. She is who she is, no one is going to change her but herself. I will however, fight for him should she say something inappropriate to him. Oh yes, don't fuck with my honey. You will pay the consequences. This is a fact....
Roar....

The runs are going well. I am doing about 5-6 miles every other day. It's been hard, but I am planning on being in pretty good shape by April. That is when I will do my first half marathon. I am pretty excited about it. I have been enjoying the "runners high" these past couple of days, it truly does enhance your moods. I am convinced. It even helped with the headaches temporarily.. Turns out that I need to cut out the caffeine too, sucks...
I am listening to Ani. She puts me in such a mellow mood. She also brings me back to a time that I felt so, I don't know, different. More unsure of myself I guess. It's kinda nice to look back over my shoulder and see how far I've come. I don't have an especially rocky path behind me or anything, just emotional. I am getting more and more stable. I think time alone does this. This past weekend, I had a whole couple of days to myself and it was easily the most satisfying time I've had with myself in a long time...I felt so rooted, so in the moment, so myself. I was so relaxed and comfortable. I don't think the honey was as well of as I was, he was with his pals, and I think he realized that he didn't need to go that far to find his paradise. Its here, it's with me, I know this, we both know it. It's nice though, to get to see your friends, and realize that you're exicted to go home. Maybe that's mean of me..?
You know what's strange? Is to look around yourself and realize that your friends are so much different than they used to be. I know for a fact that I couldn't have changed that much. Or have I? I look kinda the same. Sans some weight. Fundamentally I'm still me, I am still here...I guess I miss who they used to be. Why can't I move on from this concept? I guess I can't really accept that sometimes people just change, and I that this is okay. I guess I miss how we all used to be when we were girls. I am all grown up and I feel so weird.

I feel so weird that my sister is going to be a mommy. She is going to be a good mommy. This is just by default, because our mommy was tremendous, she still is. I will not lie it will be hard to be a good auntie from so far away :(
I don't doubt that I can do it, but my heart strings stretch so far when she comes and goes. I never thought that our lives would be like this. But this a path that she chose for herself. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. Not to mention that my brother-in-law rocks, so does my neice. She is the cutest little button. They love my sister, they need her. So I guess I have to let her go and not be so selfish, I have had her for the better part of twenty years...You see though the hard part is that I sort of had two mommy's growing up, she was always protective of me, older than me, so I looked up to her and knew that she would always-no-matter what would look out for me...I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been protected, blessed, and taken very good care of. I guess it's natural that my soon-to-be hubby has some big shoes to fill. I want to meet him somewhere in between though. I don't want to be a liability to him. I want him to see me as the capable woman that I am.

"there is a river of people that runs past my eyes, its beautiful enough just to watch them go by, the trouble with water is that she'll always leave you for gravity..."

-Ani Di Franco

When oh When.....

I'm getting spammed like 20 times a day now, for online pharmaceuticals, viagra, and god knows what else. Why is this happening? I don't go browsing at sex sites or anything, especially not when I am working!!! Yes, they're spamming me at work, I know it's just a matter of setting up some rules, but I don't know if I can resist the urge to rule out every person that emails me with a request at this place....which brings me to my next topic...when oh when will "the second most desirable company in the world to work for" call me back to make me the big offer? I say this because, I have always considered pixar to be the coolest place to work at, only because I have always wanted to be a computer animator...But I will definitely take the next best thing...I can't disclose the name of the company, but let's just say that I will forever lead a life of games if I get this job. Yes, I am targeting the gaming industry. I think it's a lucrative career move as a designer / creative person. This could be good. This could be really good. In fact this could be amazing....We shall see, I guess time can only tell me what is possible.

Last night I ran. I ran and ran and ran. And still I had pent up premenstrual angst that I just couldn't shake. I am planning on running my first half marathon in April if my schedule permits. I guess I am getting tired of running without a cause. It will be fun, hopefully it will break me free of my shell of lone running. I don't know why I find so much satisfaction in running alone. I just love it, my favorite time of the day is just before sunset....ahh I can run for hours at that time of day...If only I could talk the sun into not completely setting for me, now that would be cool.

The tot has a game this weekend, where only the ex-monster and I will be attending. This ought to be interesting. Not that I mind her that much anymore, I guess I just don't care much for the personal probbing. Like I am something for her to outshine or outdo, which is okay I guess..Hey if it makes her a better person, I am all for it. I enjoy chatting with her, but sometimes I feel like it's just to see what I am doing, and how she could do it beter.

The honey is going to be out of town, which is okay with me, we're especially overdue for some needed r&r apart for a day or two. You know how that is..when you have had so much of each other that it's just aggrivating after a while. The only problem is that I am so hopelessly attached to him, that even the dog and I get a little down by ourselves when he is gone.

hmm...running....dog....nah...I like my time alone too much...Isn't that sad, that our dog seems like an impediment right now? The good thing about the "second most diserable company in the world to work for" is that I think it will require quite a bit of traveling, which I think will be good for me right now at this point in my life....I have always equated traveling for "grown ups" Like I never really made it to that step. So this will be a "grown up" job with "grown up" responsibilities....I am ready for this next step...

Ya know..I really can't stand this feeling like I am going to blow up. Not that I am pissed off or anything, but for some odd reason I can almost understand the road rage, the angry customers in line at the post office, and the overworked and still working out people at the gym...Isn't that sad? I am not a violent person. well, not all the time, but damn I would make an excellent fighter. I wonder why I never got involved in professional fighting, I definitely have the drive and the raging hormones to do it. I just don't want to mess up my face and body...Yeah, probably not a good idea to mess with my real estate. I am not getting any younger so the chances of bouncing back quick are not as good as they might've been had I been in my 20's.
This is theraputic I think, the more I write, the better I feel, the less I feel like whacking someone. This is good. God, I can't stop checking email...when oh when are they going to call me???? I can't wait anymore!!!!!!!