Oh my god, what is going on today? I am fighting with everyone..I am my true fury self right now and I am not happy about it. In the past day and a half I have managed to fight with 3 people. Two from work and ahem the bitterness..I refuse to call him the honey today..
I am enraged about everything and soooo friggon menstrual that my 6 mile runs that I've done twice already this week are proving to do nothing for me, but afford me bliss for all of an hour after...
Waahh. I just want to sit in a corner and suck my thumb and give the world a view of my ass right now...And I mean everyone. Okay more to him (the bitterness) than anyone right now..
I am pissed that I finished my David Sedaris book. Now I have nothing to mildly humor me in all my rage. I am pissed that its sunny outside and I am not out there. I am in here smoldering hot with a little rain cloud above my head....(not to mention if it were a comic strip, it would have F@#$K#A^$#$L#&#$%$@)!!! inside of it.....God I hate being this angry...

Not cool

Hmm. I just got totally thrown under the buss by a co-worker who didn't back me up...Thing is I was cut out of an email chain specifically because my anwers would contradict what they wanted to hear....

I am pissed off and feel like I am not being supported. First time I have felt this here...Don't like it...

Sucks..but whatver, I am starting to learn who to not trust...

The house thing..yeah, well another sore subject, we're not going through with the deal, which could actually be a blessing in disguise. Our financing wasn't ironed out, and we started running into many small snags, we eventually junked the whole idea, which leaves me with a little more time and less stress to deal with the wedding stuff...

the wedding stuff...it's neverending.....

I am feeling especially tense today and can't shake this headache..I havn't had a chance to workout in a few days, which is why my migraines are starting to creep up on me..

This feelings sorta sucks...I can't wait for our honeymoon..

Quality of Life starting to suffer

I am not doing so well these days..Between the wedding expenses, the ups and downs of maybe possibly buying a new home...I fear that the quality of my moods are paying a high price. I am not cheerful, I am always grumpy, not finding enough time to workout like I was, and irritated because my eating habits are all over the map...I am even having a tough time sleeping on most nights...
I wish there was a way to just have more money. At least enough to buy a house and not owe anything...Why are my chances of winning the lotto so slim? I mean, how is life on the other side really? How must it be for some of those NBA stars to just have thousands of dollars in change in their pockets on any given day? What must it be like to throw down 2 million on a home and not even think twice about it? Will I ever have a life like that?
Why does it feel like I am always struggling with money? I feel like I am always so nervous about over-spending, under budgeting, and spreading myself too thin...I never thought about the price of getting married, and trying to buy a home, especially here in the bay area.
Sure, if we lived in Montanna, or Iowa or some place like that we might be able to afford a ranch with a few acres to spare. But here, buying a townhouse is like pulling teeth..The payments make me nervous, and I am not sure if this is even worth all the stress that is going into it. I mean, thirty year loans! I will be 60 when I am done paying it off...
I am not so stressed out with work, I have a pretty good handle on that, I would like to learn more about project / time management, but between bridal magazines, and home loan applications, purchasing contracts, I have very little time if any to dedicate to alternative literature...
I keep thinking after the wedding and the house (maybe) is purchased, how nice life will be, when I can laugh easily and not worry so much, be a little more carefree and not such a witch to live with. The honey and I want to strangle each other quite regularly now, and it's throwing me off kilter. The tot is paying for our stressed out living environment as well....I think I need a weekend retreat from everything, a massage scheduled for every two weeks until the wedding or something...

My head is pounding...Money is running out, and my hopes are dwindling...

ARRRGGG!!!!

Okay, I've had it. I have had my fill of stress. I am the middle person, and I absolutely can't stand it. Everyone is stressed out and shit is falling on my shoulders and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I went ousside for a walk, that didn't help, I calmed down, that didn't help either, the shit just comes creeping back up....
It doesn't help much that work is ramping up and getting really busy. The honey hasn't been so sweet today, more of a bitter little pill he's been. But I understand we're all under the gun and I am going nuts. I didn't think I would hit this point this soon. The tears have already started falling..this is not good folks....
We have a two week deadline that we have to meet. Talk about stressful, we need to come up with 13K or drop out of the running. This is turning me inside out. I don't really have 13K just lying around the house...
Work is getting so busy, especially hectic because I am working on a conference that will require about 2-3 times as much work as a normal function. All this is going to two weeks after our loan process is scheduled to go through....
I can't find my friggon invitation card stock like I was planning. Now I might have to end up spending waaaay more than I wanted to on stupid wedding invitations...

Okay, I am grumpy (given) I am pissed off (given) I am totally stressed out (given) I am gaining weight (WTF?!?!)
I have an open mic this Wednesday, I am looking forward to it, it will give me a chance to crap out all that has been on my mind. Very similar to what I do here...

Yipee!!!!

I stayed home this weekend while the honey went to a wedding in Tahoe. I wanted to stick around, "just in case" we got the chance to bid on our house...And guess what...?? We did. I placed a 3% payment down, and will put more up later if all of our financing goes through. I can't believe this happened today. I was with my Mom, and had my sis, and the honey on the phone. It was such a joyous moment that suddenly I felt my face getting really super hot, and bam, I was red as little turnip.

I had dinner with one side of my fam tonight in lieu of Easter, and will celebrate more tomorrow with the rest. I watched UFC 59 tonight, man it rocked. I was sooo shocked that Tim Sylvia won that fight, I was absolutely sure that Arlovski had it in the bag.

I was watching a pre-fight documentary on Arlovski, and that guy runs 10 miles a day and does conditioning 3 hours in addition to that after his run. I was blown away..

I whipped out the ole wedding dress today, and to my dismay the larger size actually fit...This is not good. I ate like a little horse tonight, and didn't get to do my hour run, due to the purchasing of my first home...however, tomorrow it's all or nothing baby...I gotta get back into doing cardio everyday in addition to my weight training, I think that's how I will shed the extra pounds...

Ah well, I am off to bed, with a good book and a cup of tea. I am reading "Dress your family in Courdory and Denim" By David Sedaris. He's funnier than shit. I also just got my first free issue of Cooking Light in the mail I think I will skim through it to see if any of the recipes will be worth while...

Gotta hit the hay my baby blues-green-gray...whatever, are getting heavy. Nigh nigh.

Progress at Last!!

Okay, I finally found my happy medium..It's the morning workouts that keep me smiling. I didn't realize how much I thrive throughout the day after a good hard workout in the morning. I detest getting up that early but man it's worth the effort, because then I have the whole day to frolic around and be a happy fury.

This week, I've made a lot of progress with regards to the pre-bridal body. My current goal is to see some visible changes in my muscle development and shed about 13 pounds before the wedding, which is proving to require discipline of steel.

My workout routine for this week

Monday: Weight Training (full body) : legs, chest, arms, back, abs, shoulders, and anything else that comes to mind during that hour and half.

Tuesday: Cardio (30-60 minutes) usually I enjoy running, but find that my body feels strangely jolted after an hour long run. I ran 30 minutes around my neighborhood, don't like running on pavement if I can avoid it, I will.

Wednesday: Weight Training, did the full body.

Thursday: Cardio. Ran 60 minutes (6.15 miles) during lunch at a gym near my work. Very good hard run, but found it was hard to break from the 30 minute barrier to the 60 minutes. Trying to speed up the mileage to 8.5 min/ miles, currently doing 10:00 / mile

Friday: Weight Training. Did a full body workout as planned.

Saturday: Cardio (30-60 minutes)(plan to do a 60 minute am treadmill run, with intervals, alternating sprints and hills.)

The good news is that I can tell my metabolism is speeding up, because I am constantly hot now, and wake up at night roasting, as opposed to wearing so many layers and freezing throughout the day. This is attributed to the weight training. I noticed this a few years ago when I victoriously shed ~25 pounds via constant weight training, and unbeliveably very little or no cardio...Lol, and then gained 15 back!

The food part is the most challenging for me, becuase after I've worked out so hard, I am famished and want to eat everything in site! It's so easy to undo all the hard work!! So I really have to stay on top of it with chugging more water, and drinking my protein shakes when I start getting hungry... Overall, it's been a productive week. I have worked really hard, and I am slowly starting to see some progress in my body. I am a happy little fury today :D

Grumble grumble...

It all started with the stupid door last night. He insisted on keeping it wide open and I wanted it cracked...I argued that the light was in my eyes, as I have this weird need to be in complete blackness when I sleep. I argued anyway, knowing what it would progress into...And it did...It got mean, and resulted in hurt feelings. Sometimes I am just horrifically controlling and need things to be done in a certain way. See, I have so many evening rituals that if something is thrown off track I can't sleep. I am really starting to wonder if I really do have OCD. This would explain so many of my ridiculous needs to do things in a certain way. But I also have this small problem of not being able to let go of things.
I don't understand how some women do it. I just hang on and must dominate...It's awful. It's this thing that is devouring..I guess if I was a competitve athlete it might work out in my favor but as a soon-to-be-wife and step-monster it's not helping the greater good...
Which got me to thinking, actually FinnyKnit's blog got me to thinking about this. I am horribly off balance right now...I am lacking somewhere and I can't identify exactly what or where this hostility is coming from, until this morning....
It dawned on me that I spend a huge amount of time with the honey and tot, and well..work...In all this craziness that is my life, I have yet again stumbled on this little golden nugget..I need to spend more time alone...I need to reclaim myself...In a world where work is so important, where scavenging for meals that will feed my family a close second, I find that "me" gets lost in the shuffle...
I have a few events coming up that I am excited about that I think will help me reclaim my me-ness..Here is my Plan "A" Tomorrow night I am going to a princess house party...what that is I don't really know, I just know that I will get to visit with an old friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 10 years.. Then this weekend, if the gods should bestow us with riches, I will have the opportunity to claim a townhouse for us to live in. This will be done with the honey out of town and the tot with his mom, the ex-monster. And then, as if a dirty joke was played on me, the Sunday that follows is Easter..Okay, I will give up SOME time to spend with the fam..God only knows that I owe a lot to them.
Plan "B" a stand in could do my job at the home purchasing stuff (family member) and I would head off to Tahoe with the honey and some other friends to attend a long awaited wedding of some friends of ours...I don't know really I am up for either plan, but I do definitely see a need for some alone time in all this. I wonder if I would have a chance to take a nice nature walk in Tahoe? The people that we'd stay with (my friend) might think it a little odd..I don't know....
This rain certainly isn't helping matters at all.....I feel blue and down. I don't know why, I guess I just yearn for some sunlight, longer than a half days worth, to lift up my mood.
It's a lot of things. the wedding stress is getting to me, just having that little cloud above my head is bothering me, I just need to get stuff done, but can't seem to find the extra hours in the day.
I am still also contracting for my last job, which is also getting to be too much...

Oh crap, I am late for a meeting....
Gotta run..

Barnaby Joseph

World, I would like to introduce you to my beautiful new-born nephew Barnaby Joseph. He is the son of my sister and brother in law. He currently resides in the UK, so it's a little hard for me to give him a snuggle, but I send loving thoughts his way. Welcome baby! We have anticipated your arrival with longing and joy in our hearts. The world is yours.





Tearfully, I thank God for giving him to my sister and her husband. They are such wonderful people and very good parents. This is just the beginning of the formation of this precious little soul's life. He couldn't have chosen a better family to belong to!

Ohhh please please please

There are so many things to contemplate before buying a house, and although this whole process feels rushed to me, I want it more than anything...I guess I just want my own nest to fluff.

If all goes well, which I am starting to doubt that it will, we will have a kitchen that looks something like this:



It's a nice area, close to where we want to be, not a bad place to raise a budding family, and nice and close to Starbucks :D

There is so much financing crap that has to be ironed out, that is one thing that I am worried about. How in the heck to people actually pay for their mortgages around here??? Prices are astronimical. Maybe I have just been a renter for too long. I dunno...But having a little strip of yard to myself and a bathroom that I can completely dominate sounds like luxury to me!

Ahh well.. TGIF.

Just One of Those Days

Ever feel like the world is working against you? Like the power of nature is just so exceptionally tremendous that you can't fight it? Like the way you feel when you're stuck at home with no electricity....Man I feel like everything is going against me today. I wonder if it's in stars or something. I can't keep up with life today. I am sooo tired, I should've gone to bed sooner than 1 last night. Who was I kidding? I am no spring chick anymore....I had a double tall latte this morning and the sucker didn't even make a dent....It only managed to aggrivate me, and fight with the honey... :(

I am feeling like work is getting overwhelming, and there's nothing I can do to stop this title wave..I didn't even work out today..Maybe that's why I feel like this..The sukcy thing is, is that when I am tired like this, I get more hungry than usual...I think it's my body's way of say "heh heh, I'll show her to deprive me of anything.."

Lord, can't the day just end already?

For all you inquiring minds

I have a few pics to share with you..although I don't know if its bad luck to show these before the wedding or not...not sure, but at least HE hasn't seen them :)More to come later.

I am still on the hunt for some nice footware, but haven't given it my best effort. I am on the lookout for a good hairdresser too, if anyone has any suggestions..

I will just give you a sneek peek of what the back of my dress looks like :)It is very simple, straight and diamond white. I am not big of frills and big poufy dresses..



I will be losing some weight between now and then..hmm...about 13 pounds....Yes, so at last my cute little 2's will fit me again. I hate things being so tight on me righ t now, you'd think I was preggers or something...Lets not go there right now though, I am trying to wrap up the end of my business day :\

It's Raining it's Pouring...

okay..what the hell has been going on? Where is spring? and why are we getting so much friggon rain!? Heading home from Pebble Beach last night (work related venture)I actually got so scared, I had to call someone. My dad..What a savior. we talked for a few miles until I got the jitters out of me. I got lost somewhere near the 17 mile drive and couldn't navigate my way out of Pacifc Grove. On my way back up hwy 1 north, I was graced with a lightening storm while traveling through the woods. Now, any normal person might appreciate this, but as an earthquake accepting, Californian I was utterly scared out of my wits. Lightening = cool, near tall tree overhead = not cool...

I manage to call the honey..well, I didn't want him to know what a fraidy cat I really am...I guess I felt stupid..After sweating bricks for a while, I caved and called him too. Man my cell phone bill is going to hurt this month..

I've got good news about wedding updates, but can't chat about it right now. will post more in a bit!!