Emotional Hangover

After reading all that I aired out last night, I feel lousy. Lousy that I let something so, I don't know, not small, but something not that big, penetrate me like that. How could I get so rattled just from a stupid conversation about a church? How could he? I know there is so much more to that than what lies on the surface. There is the hump of getting over an ex-wife in my opinion. Who knows, I may never "get over it." Perhaps I will struggle with this throughout our entire relationship, and perhaps I may not. Regardless I still need help in not letting things bother me so much. This morning he woke up all chipper, and here I was, still obviously hung up on the issues that dominated the night before. I couldn't shake it, and a part of me still can't. I don't want to just sweep things under the rug, and assume that life is fine and dandy. This is something that needs resolution. It needs airing out, it need erradicating. Yes, I like that word. ERRADICATE. I will erradicate her from my thoughts. I will not allow myself to be sucked into the abyss that is the damaging insecurity complex of him having had a wife before me. I think about it and even now, I want to cry. I have always wanted to be someone's first. First everything, wife, mother, lover. I was all those things to an ex, and I threw it away like yesterday's garbage. I wasn't ready at the time that he was, I didn't love him anymore. I don't know if I ever loved him in the way that he loved me. I wasn't ever moved by him sexually, I didn't get excited by him, I didn't feel the quake of love. Not the way that I feel for this honey. This has been one of the most up and down relationships I have ever had. Sometime it rattles my core. And what is more strange, is that whatever is going on with us, will ultimately have an impact on the tot. Even if no exchange of words are shared, there is just a feeling in the air, and the tot picks up on it. It is very true, children are so entirely suseptible to their environments. They are so moldable. I should be more careful about what I allow to upset me and what the tot sees between his father and I. I have never intended for the tot to witness arguements or lose respect for either of us. In a way, I have let myself down in that department. I know I should have set a better example, I should have shown him that I love his father, not how much he enrages me sometimes. Yes, I guess I should take this as my next goal, to not allow things to bother me so much. To show the tot that it is possible for two adults to have a mutually respectable and loving relationship without arguing all the time, or showing lousy control of emotions.
The tot isn't my son, but I love him so much. Even when he has enraged me, he always comes back to me with a kiss and hug everready for me. This makes me want to cry and kick myself for behaving so foolishly. The tot was asleep last night, but I think he can sense things, even in his sleep. And sometimes, he's really quite and pretends to be asleep, and he listens... And sometimes I just listen, to the sound of this life going on around me, our lives being intertwined, our lives changing and twisting around like a baby that doesn’t want to be changed, our lives as a family of three.

Is this wrong?

I'm so angry right now. I was trying to go to bed when we had an argument about the church that he used to go to. The fact is that he really wants to go back there, he feels like something is missing from his life. And my truth, doesn't really matter to him, but I don't want to revisit a place that he frequented so much with his ex-wfie. Now we're in separate rooms, and I am angry as hell. Why can't he understand that? Why doesnt' he get the fact that I want to do something that was / is different from what they were? Is this the wrong relationship for me? Have I committed myself to someone who may never change? We're so different sometimes I am not even sure if we can survive. We've ben arguing a lot lately. I've been working out a lot more, I feel like I always want to get away when we start acting like this, like I just want to run far from here and not look back. Avoidance? Or maybe I am just trying to look out for myself. I just got my gym bag together and now I am writing away like a madwoman. I almost wish my gym were always open, I might even be there right now if it were.
Why can't I get past her? Why is she still such a huge road block for me? Why do I feel like I am walking in the shadow of another woman? Like I am not valued for being the woman that I am. Maybe "me" isn't enough...Maybe I am not enough for me? Like maybe I should try to be stronger and not latch onto him when he pulls away. Let him walk away, I won't die. I have survived worse. Or have I?
I feel like I am cornered in a room full of jagged edges. I am pushed up against a wall, and I am screaming, wait, wait I am just a circle here, I am doing my best to fit in, but I just don't seem to be fitting, no matter how hard I try. It's like those construction toys for kids, you get a red plastic hammer, and you just pound the shape through the appropriate hole. I am being pounded into place but I am a circle, and I don't fit into the triangular shape that I am being forced into.
The triangle before me, she fit in just right, but I don't really know what went wrong, maybe that's were I am failing. I'm trying to puzzle something together that should be left in pieces. But he wants me to be in the shape of that lovely triangle, and I am not. I am one spherically unavoidable circle.
Before him and I moved in together, I used to be online so much. I spent hours at a time chatting and just passing thoughts around online with complete strangers. It wasn't lust driven either, well at least not all of it. I had intelligent conversations with people, thought about life in so many different ways and wondered how people could ever let themselves go and allow other to change them. I vowed that I would always be true to myself, and I feel like even I have let myself down. Because here I sit, this cold circle in my own living room typing away at my circular computer, dumbfounded in this misshapen household that I find myself in.
It's starting to rain outside. How fucking appropriate. It's just how I am feeling on the inside, I really just want to cry but I won't let myself tonight. I will not let him see the soft side of me anymore, I refuse to be weak and allow him to feel like he has won. I will not cry. This is wrong. Peole shouldn't feel this way about the people they love. Why do I feel this way with him? How can one person so easily turn my whole world upside-down? what happened to those firmly planted feet of mine? I think they started to sink in the quicksand beneath me. Because I find myself in knee deep shit, that I am stuck in. There are no branches around me for me to grab hold of, I will sink until someone passes by and sees the top of my head perhpas, and decides to lend me a hand....
The anger is starting to quell. I can feel it passing through me, this is how it happens. Then I feel guilty usually for the nasty words that have passed though my mouth. Words that I have allowed to penetrate the air and create a nice fat triangular wedge between us. I heard sometime ago that words are dangerous in a relationship, there are things that you cannot take back. I am starting to think that actions don't speak louder than words, because my words and the words being thown around this relationship have been hurtful and angry and intended to leave scars. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but I think we're definitely past the point of really caring right now. My feelings aren't being heard, and that hurts more than someone just walking away. It's a metaphorical way of telling someone that I don't give a shit about you, I am closing the emotional door on your face, and you will just have to come back tomorrow. He does this to me all the time, he can't handle how expressive I am about things, how much I want to "talk" all the time. Is this wrong, is it all wrong? I want to wash away with the rain that is running down the streets, cold and dark right now, I want to wash away into the sea where my body will be stretched to infinite sizes and my heart won't hurt because it will already be frigid and cold.

The Firey Pit of Hell

I was already having a very rushed morning. I do that a lot I've noticed. I run around like a chicken with my head cutt off in the mornings. I did it again, I could hardly believe it. I locked myself out of the house...AGAIN...Here I am running out to the car to give the honey some bandaids and stuff for the tot, and I turn around breathing in deeply enjoying the morning air, reminding myself that I don't have much time to waste until I am officially late. I grab the door knob, and noticed that it's locked....*growling to myself*
The honey bailed me out of this one, just like he did last time. I felt so dumb. Then I rush into work, late, scrambling around like a madwoman only after our corporate credit card was declined, I tired to by some flowers for the office, and made the cashier cancel the whole darn transaction. Daming the IT department all the way to work, I decided to consult with a financial friend of mine on the status of our finances.
This week is going to be a very interesting one. Tonight I will be reading at an open mic night at a local bookstore. I am so incredibly horrified of large audiences,, but this one is going to critique me! I will keep steady with my affirmations. I am not afraid, I will do well. I am a success. Funny enough, theses words actually make me feel better, not just when I say them over and over again, but when I actually feel them.
Last night I had a hard time going to sleep. I had a pretty bad case of the jitters. This Saturday is my ten year high school reunion, and man am I nervous! I felt like a bird that hit a glass window, and just bounced off. The coast looked clear but I was in no form to fly. It's a little embarrassing to share these kinds of jitters with someone, it seems so elementary. It's only embarrassing because I have so much feeling about it all. I know I am not like I used to be, I feel so different, grown up and changed. I feel like I have very little in common with the people that might possbily be attending, but who knows, maybe I am just being a little judgemental. Perhaps I will have loads in common with my former high school peers. There is one person in particular that I don't wish to run into. A certain ex of mine, that I would like to personally hurt myself. I bet it would feel really good to tear his heart out by the roots, and then step on it...Then I would do a little dance of glee, and skip off into the sunset...No, I'm not an angry person, no pent up feelings here. Although I'm not so sure which rock that crawled out from underneath...I saw an ad for the new Mortal Combat game, that looks awesome...Okay, why am I geeking out all of a sudden? I'm telling you this high school reunion thing has me upside-down and inside-out. Hold on, I'm calling my cousin so I can drag her ass down into the firey pit of hell with me, the pit that I'm calling my high school reunion.

Wee wee Mon Cheri

I really want to be at the gym right now, especially since I am missing a super good hardcore class. Grrr. I've been slacking off a bit at work, and felt that I should probably be present a bit more than I have been in the recent past. Not to mention that they let go of one of their more senior people for performace purposes. I fear for my own stability here sometimes.

I will do the 5:45 class instead, which is okay, I don't really care for the teacher much since I've known her since elementary school. There's just something that bugs me about taking instruction from a girl that I know that I am older than...Her class is pretty good actually, I just hate having to miss the home activities aferwords. I know the honey will need to do dinner on his own if I go to class. This always makes me feel horrible, like I am dumping a burden on his shoulders, but then time passes and I get cranky because I am not taking care of my body...Actually I think I will do what I've been promising myself to do, my circuit training program tonight, yes that sounds like a better plan, tonight, Wednesday and Friday night with cardio days in between....No, I hate working out on Friday nights....
My mom told me over the weekend that she thinks I'm obsessed about working out. She implied that I push myself too hard. In fact I couldn't agree less, I feel like I've been slacking off too much! I think she sees this little internal fight I've been having with myself, and I feel bad for making her worry about me. The truth is, I discovered working out about a year ago, I did weight training constantly three times a week at least for three months. I shed 25 lbs. and became so addicted to feeling that good, that I haven't wanted to stop since. I've been doing more cardio, and find them both hard to balance, either I am doing one or the other in excess....

This weekend, I had my haircut. It felt like she cutt off so much! I know in reality I am just being hypersensitive about it. As ridiculous as it may sound, I've felt that my hair has become my security blanket, something I can hide behind. Silly, I know.

On Thursday night I rented Ameile. I love that movie!! It makes me want to eat croissants and espresso and move to Paris. Amelie's character reminds me so much of myself, which isn't a bad thing I suppose because I think she's super cute :)
It rained this weekend. I love the smell of the first rain of the season. It actually makes me feel like the seasons are changing, when in reality they're not very much. California is phenomenal for that. We hardly see the changing of the seasons. Here and there there will be a pretty sizable downpour, but even that is seldom.

I feel like my writing has been become mundane and boring, like I don't have anything to really express or at least express creatively. I've been happier, I guess that happens sometimes, when we become happy we get complacent and maybe even a little boring. The hun and I haven't been fighting, which is music to my ears, and the tot is doing just fine. I will find here and there that I will have a minor moment of displacement where I feel like ringing necks, but that as of late has been a rare occurance. I did however, notice that last night the tot and I got along famously. He responds well to affection. And when he notices that I've stopped, he will tug at me for more. He is precious. I often times wish he was born to me. Oh, I'd better not go there, for fear of who might read this and get a little upset about my true feelings. It's unfortunate though how torn I know he must feel. Often I notice that he feels that he has to choose between mommy figures. I try to emphasize that he doesn't, that the additional figure (me) is just there to compliment all that he already has. But how does one explain this to a nine year old? Hi, I'm here kissing your daddy, and loving him until my heart explodes, and I love you as well in so many ways, but...I'm in no way shape or form your mommy....Talk about confusing. I think I would've been extremely confused at his age. At his age, I was still playing with Barbies, and fighting off my older sisiter...Luckily my parents stayed together. I'm impressed with the glue of their coupling. They've been married for over 35 years, and counting. They know each other better than anyone does. What's more scary is that they know me pretty darn well too. I never really cut the apron strings, and don't really care to anytime soon. But that's just me, and I know for a fact that I am made of a different fabric than most people. That is fine with me though, because mon cheri, I know that I am one in a million.

The End of Another Business Week

Man am I tired today, not as tired as yesterday, but this week just flew by. I'm pretty proud of myself, I've been keeping a pretty tight workout schedule this week, with only one day missed so far. I've noticed that old age seems to be gripping me by the throat. I've discovered that I think I am lactose intollerant! I love milk!
The day is a bit more chilly, the past few days have been warmer, I've noticed that my skin is changing, could it be because I've approached 29 so quickily?
The clouds are thinly covering the sky today, maybe that's why is a bit cooler. Tonight, the honey and I are going on a date. I don't know what he has planned, actually we usually just play things by ear, neither of us has any sort of interest in planning anything out. I'm noticing that my entires aren't so funny anymore. I haven't been laughing as much. Not crying or anything, well not today at least, I've just run out of writer's steam. Is this what they call "writers block?"
I don't want to vent too much about the honey, well because things seem to be running more smoothly, and I really don't want to jinx anything...But what is abook without drama? It's funny because I spend so much time hoping that things will calm down so our relationship can be "norml" but now I am bored with my life...Climbing Half Dome was a thrill! I definitely will do that again. My birthday came and went the day after..I got a mountain bike that I am planning to ride quite a bit.
Last night I rented the movie "Amelie" I love that little French flick. She is so sweet and innocent and silly. In so many ways she reminds me of the way I was a few years ago.
Last night I dreamnt of the ex-monster. I dreamnt that she was hosting a party at our house, but it wasn't really my house, it was my childhood friend's house (huge) and I was extremely pissed because so many people kept ringing the doorbell and occupying our space. His excuse was, this was her thing, and it was okay with him for her to use our house! I was thinking, WTF??? Eeiwww. So needless to say I woke up on the cranky side. But it felt so good when he snuggled up next to me, he does that in the mornings sometimes, I love it. I don't think I am an easy person to sleep with. I am ALWAYS cold, I hog up the blankets, toss and turn all night and to top it all off is the fact that I am really active in my sleep, and have been known to kick around alot whilst dreaming.
Well, just as I feel this little engine has started to warm up, I must say goodbye. I get to go home and enjoy a fun-filled weekend, doing, laundry, chores, and maybe a little biking riding, with a haircut sprinkled in there somewhere. I am so excited but so nervous about it! I am the biggest chicken when it comes to getting my hair done!

TTFN!

Hello!

This is my very fist blog...I guess I am now a "blogger" ha haa. Thank you for calling, how may I blog you :)
Okay, this is just silly, I wanted to see how my first post looked. LJ was getting a little crowded, I sort of like this private little niche. I suppose this will be a good place to put my writing, nice, safe, and private I think....