(written 8/16/04)
Imagine a lightening rod, out in the middle of a field, each minor nuance of parenthood struck me like an electrical charge. Freaking and frazzling my very roots, as storms surge around me, generating momentum.
This is what it feels like to be a twenty-something, ugh, almost thirty, non-parental figure dating a man with a nine year old child. Not just any sort of child, but a lively, lovable, and sometimes stubborn nine year old. Hmm, sort of like his father in many ways, actually, a lot like his father in a million ways…A lot of the time I don’t understand what it is that I am supposed to be doing, or what my role is exactly.
Am I pseudo mom # 2, favorite aunt sort of person, evil step witch, the very close friend of the family? But no, I am learning that I am just Stephanie. I think my name itself yields enough importance without trying to analyze the situation. This is where the confusion lies I guess. I think too much, and I’m overly sensitive. All I know is that my space as a single person, was feeling like is slowly being taken over. Last night at least. I sometimes want to be alone, but when they aren’t present, I felt like something is missing. Not just something small, like I misplaced my favorite lipstick and I have to settle for this crappy color or anything like that, but something big, like I can’t find my keys, and my appointment was like ten minutes ago. The bitter sweet realization that I wasn’t sure if I could date this man was something that I took far too lightly after our first few dates, when he left me starry-eyed and breathless. He still does leave me starry-eyed, oh, probably twenty days out of the month.
The mere fact that wherever there is a child, a mother will follow, was a concept I didn’t think about. So I threw to caution to the wind, as I took on the ex-monster by the horns. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she existed in his life (my loves) or the fact that I can relate to her idiosyncrasies that I detest in myself. I often times feel for her, because I know that if we weren’t in this situation, I might be friends with someone like her. I guess both epiphanies make me feel uncomfortable. I can understand why she loved him, and I can understand why she hated him, and sometimes I can understand why she chose to run. I read somewhere that it takes a very strong person to step up to the plate of step-parenting, of the few books that I’ve read on the subject, I’ve learnt from first hand experience that it may not be for a chosen few. I’ve experienced moments with these three that have made me want to vomit my brains out and moments of bliss and hopefulness, at the thought of future possibility.
Today, slightly short of bliss, I am battling the feeling of frustration and anger, and the fact that I am not the parent, nor do I understand what it is like….Hence my disinterest in sharing my personal space. He says that it will change when I have my own children, maybe, maybe not, who can tell? He says he pities me if it doesn’t. I say…well, what I want to say right now, would be highly inappropriate for young audiences, so I refrain. Plus, I am trying to clear my aura of impurities, so I banish negative thoughts from this moment on.
I am extremely premenstrual right now, and I don’t know how to channel and focus this energy into something more productive. I can feel my blood pressure inching upwards, maybe I should try and do something more worthwhile instead of irritating myself so badly. Alright, back to work….
Friday, November 12, 2004
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
On Climbing Half Dome
10/8/04 The Day that I climbed Half Dome...
The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.
The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.
She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.
The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.
She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.
That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."
The tips of whispering trees bent in the breeze.
They spoke of a time when the earth was simple, not just a place to inhabit, but a form of life breathing and growing, ever changing. A time when people were inferior, minuscule but complex in their little ways.
The earth sighed when I held her close, she was solid in my arms that embraced her.
She had the wind whip at me, and cracked my lips with a chilly reminder of her power and strength.
She streched out her body and allowed me a glimpse of all that she was, is, and may never be again.
For a single solitary moment, life paused, and only music could be heard.
The music of the wind and of the trees whispering around me,
the sound of soft padded feet of bears looking to quell the hunger in their stomachs. And the delicate steps of deer safely keeping their distance but watching from afar.
She soothed my racing mind that day, she touched me with her infinite love and grace, she gave me moments that I will never forget, and a hunger for purity and connection that will always remain with me.
That day the trees whispered and the earth sighed, I wondered how can something so extraordinarily beautiful not be created by a higher being? The day gave moments of wonder, delight and awe, which gripped me tightly as I made my way back home."
Soymilk Anger (written 10/5/04)
Soymilk Anger
Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.
Okay, someone here at work didn’t realize that their soymilk spilled all over the top shelf of our fridge. Since I maintain our little kitchen facility, who do you suppose got stuck cleaning up this disgusting mess? ME. I’m soo irritated right now, I sent out a company email stating that all lunch items that were dirtied by the mess were left in the sink and will be thrown away if not picked up by this evening…okay, a bit on the dramatic side, but I am so tired of cleaning up after this whole group. I feel like all I do is clean sometimes. I do plenty of it at home. Okay, so I’ve got all sorts of cleaning angst pent up inside of me. Tonight, I am going to workout VERY hard. I’ve developed this stinkin’ eye twitch that happens every couple of hours. I’ve been doing this workout routine for about two weeks now. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written…Maybe that’s why I have this unsightly eye twitch. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but the working out seems to quell my twitching at least for a little bit. It comes right back when I stress out though…
On another note, in three days I will be slowly making my ascent to climb Half Dome. I can’t wait. I’ve coordinated a company outing, and all 36 of us will be climbing this magnificent mountain, I hope it doesn’t rain.
I’m noticing a disturbing pattern here, I am only like this when it’s the week before, well you know, my cycle. I don’t know why it’s embarrassing to talk about, I guess because only a woman can truly understand my irritation. Today I have only mildly felt like choking a few co-wokers.
Oh yeah, and the day after I get back from climbing my mountain, it will be my 29th birthday. 29, it’s so strange. I don’t even really remember where 21-28 have gone. What in the heck have I done with myself all these years?
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks too, I’m really nervous about it, because well, I wasn’t the hottest chick in high school and I feel like I have so much to prove in such a short amount of time.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a big red balloon that is being pumped up and pumped up and pretty soon, either you will fly away or explode? Today I really want to fly away into the clouds above the land, and just hang out there for a while until I deflate and come back down to earth all peaceful.
Friday Afternoon Blues (written 9/24/04)
Friday Afternoon Blues
This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…
This week has been a challenging one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I don’t really like what I have learned. I sort of had an idea about it before, but now the evidence is so stark and in my face that I can no longer avoid it. I have a pretty severe problem saying “no” to people. I think it’s because I feel that when and if I don’t say “no” something will happen to me, or maybe somehow, when I say yes and get the job done, it’s just not good enough. I am not sure how to remedy this problem, other than learning to value myself more and saying “no” firmly, and meaning it. Another thing I’ve learned, which is an inevitable predecessor of factor number one is that I don’t think I value myself that much. I say this because I notice that I am always cutting myself short of valuable time with myself. I need to cultivate myself more, but find that I am always rushing around, trying to cram just a little more into the day and be the hero for everyone else. I’m totally pooped out from doing this. Not only do I do it with an unspoken resentment, but I feel badly if I don’t. It’s a lose-lose situation! I think I need to start spending more time alone and let the pieces fall where they will. I can’t always worry about what everyone else will think, unless of course I think my performance at work is sub-par, then I will have a situation on my hands. Some days, I guess I do feel like my performance is sub-par. Today I am just too tired to care.
I feel guilty when I am not home enough. I feel like my small family suffers when I am not around, yet I understand that the responsibilities are not soley mine, I just feel like I am letting them down when I think of myself? So what do I do? I put myself aside to think of others, that way I can deal with my own guilt instead of worrying about others inflicting that upon me…I know it sounds confusing.
I’m not really my silly self today if you haven’t noticed...I’ve been pensive and trying to figure out where I am going with my life. Why do I place so much importance on physical appearance? Why do I feel guilty when I fall short of my commitment to working out? I feel horribly guilty when I don’t work out because then I start obsessing about where those calories that I had at lunch will go on my body.
I guess what is missing here is self-love. But how does one acquire something like that? How do I stop torturing myself about what goes into my mouth? I eat something sugary or loaded with carbs, and instantaneously I feel like crap. I fear that he won’t be attracted to me anymore if I gain any weight. Or worse I may not like myself if I don’t fit into those size ones that I wore last year….
Yesterday I cried during my lunch. All the while my poor friend had to listen to the sharp end of my frustration. I feel badly for venting to her so vehemently. She understands me, and loves me no matter what I look like or how badly I screw up. That is something that is irreplaceable. I complained about work, and how unhappy I am doing what I do, for several reasons actually. 1. I feel overworked, and I am making all sorts of mistakes. 2. I am undervalued, and definitely underpaid, and 3. Because I can’t say “No” this leads me to all sorts of interesting and uncomfortable situations. I know this sounds bad or lazy, or whatever, but when I wasn’t working, I was so happy. I was working out very regularly and spending time with myself, not stressing about not being able to fall asleep at 12am, or waking up on the weekends at 6:30 am scrambling around thinking I have to go to work.
I feel like a dart that’s been thrown into the air,
I have every intention of hitting the target, but I completely miss, and I land on the fence that is keeping this dart board in place. I’m here with my ass in the air, looking at the target, and I’m thinking, “How did I miss that? I was supposed to land right there on the bullseye…where did I go wrong?”
I feel antsy, like I want to get out of here, and go to the beach or something. Like there are just a few hours left of precious daylight, and I am stuck here, behind this desk grumbling.
I thought about my sister today. She lives on the other side of the world. Literally, she lives in a different country. I think about her life, and how she must be feeling, what she is going through. I wonder if she is happy? I wish she could be here with me, or I there with her, so she could remind me to laugh at these ridiculous situations I find myself in. I know she would say, “Oh, Ste, you’re making this so much bigger than it really is.” Yeah, she would remind me to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I wonder if she saw the sun today?
There is this incredibly annoying person that I have to work at. He comes to my desk and just waits around until I am free, then he hits me with the stupidest questions, like when are you going to have my check?…Hmmm, well, let’s see asshole..NEVER. It’s a good thing I don’t run this company because I would be the only one working here. Maybe that is my problem, OMG, am I just a solo dancer? I wish I could pursue my dream of writing at my leisure and not having to worry about deadlines, paychecks, unanswered emails, and that damn alarm clock buzzing, all the glorious details that accompany employment. I think maybe I am just not happy here anymore. I think I need to find a different way to make my income…My stomach hurts, and I am starting to feel like I have to hurl…
Bobble Head (written 9/7/04)
Bobble-head firefighting girl
Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….
Have you ever watched and episode of COPS? When there’s a full speed pursuit on foot, usually there’s a spotlight coming from a helicopter, darting around and around, chasing the criminal down.. Following the suspect over fences, through backyards and deserted property? Today, I feel like one of those suspects, dodging authorities trying to get away from all the hoopla. I shouldn’t be writing because I am at work, but every fiber in me just doesn’t want to be here. Yes, I need a paycheck and I need my job, but I just don’t feel like it today. I’m not up to par, and I think I may be coming down with something. I feel like hiding in the nearest doghouse, and lying low until the sunrises, so I can crawl back to my bedroom and go to sleep.
That and the minor irritation of a weekend that’s being rescheduled are mildly antagonizing this restless soul. The truth is, I’m really just tired of people asking me things, leaving stuff on my desk that has a home somewhere (after I’ve decided where that is) and people constantly upstaging me, telling me how to better do my job, be a more efficient worker, and how THEY’D prefer to have things done. Oh, just shoot me now and leave the gruesome details for later…This morning I left the house feeling like I was about to step into something I’d regret, which I sort of did. You see, I’m an administrative / executive assistant, hr personnel, travel coordinator, design and layout marketing assistant, assistant to the CFO, CTO, CEO and every other acronym you can imagine. I work in a startup environment and my head is getting heavy with the stack of hats that sits on it. Actually if you ever saw the size my little neck you would laugh, just the thought of something heavy on my head makes me feel like a human bobble head. Clearly I wasn’t meant to have so many responsibilities or I wouldn’t be screwing up so badly so often. “An assistant?” they said, well, let’s hire a more “senior” person to alleviate some of her duties. This left me jumping for joy. The prospect of having one or two jobs left me happy as a clam, but I haven’t seen him or her yet, I just keep hearing threatening rumors. I’m staring at my black coffee cup with lipstick stains on it…Wondering just how in a matter of hours could I begin to feel so cruddy? Is that how viruses get you? They just outright jump you like a mugger in an alley? Hmmm, what would be a legitimate reason for going home? Uh oh the mailman just got here, the party is getting better, now I have four small fires to put out and no water left….
I Wish
I wish we could talk
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.
I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.
I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.
I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.
I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.
I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.
I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.
About things more in-depth
Like politics, and voting
And our opinions at length.
I wish we’d get along for more than just a bit
Wish you thought of me as a grown up
Instead of just a kid.
I wish so many things
But I wish specifically
For approval and mutual respect
The quality kind that you give not just to get.
I wish you wouldn’t say
“it’s none of your business”
When I want to share my thoughts,
Instead perhaps you could appreciate
My willingness to talk.
I wish for good health, and a long future too
I wish we’d start our journey down this road
not just as one,
But individually as two.
I wish so many things, that I sometimes don’t share
I worry what you’ll say, or fear that you won’t care.
I wish we were more alike in so many ways.
I am stunned by our differences each and every day.
I try to take it openly
Even with interest.
I put my faith in the powers above
And hope for the best.
Monday, November 01, 2004
They
Things that I learned as a child / adult and now, words that I heard them say and started to believe as true.
You look like a boy
You're lazy
You're too insecure
you're dishonest
you're chubby
you're skinny
you have a lot of acne
you're let men in too quickly
you're too different
you're too clingy / needy
you need to grow up
you're too emotional
you're too moody
you rely on ________ too much
He can't give you what you need
If we don't do _________ for you, no one will
Why couldn't you be smarter like your sister?
you're a "satisfactory" student
you don't apply yourself
you can make money from art
you never have any money
you can't ever trust anyone %100
you're too fat
I can't trust you
you have a big mouth
you don't come to see me enough, you don't care about me.
you let me down
you're not good enough
My response: This is the closest I could come to releasing all this crap. I never realized that I took these words to be my own truths. It's time to let them go...
"They" by Jem
Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
You look like a boy
You're lazy
You're too insecure
you're dishonest
you're chubby
you're skinny
you have a lot of acne
you're let men in too quickly
you're too different
you're too clingy / needy
you need to grow up
you're too emotional
you're too moody
you rely on ________ too much
He can't give you what you need
If we don't do _________ for you, no one will
Why couldn't you be smarter like your sister?
you're a "satisfactory" student
you don't apply yourself
you can make money from art
you never have any money
you can't ever trust anyone %100
you're too fat
I can't trust you
you have a big mouth
you don't come to see me enough, you don't care about me.
you let me down
you're not good enough
My response: This is the closest I could come to releasing all this crap. I never realized that I took these words to be my own truths. It's time to let them go...
"They" by Jem
Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
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