Wee wee Mon Cheri

I really want to be at the gym right now, especially since I am missing a super good hardcore class. Grrr. I've been slacking off a bit at work, and felt that I should probably be present a bit more than I have been in the recent past. Not to mention that they let go of one of their more senior people for performace purposes. I fear for my own stability here sometimes.

I will do the 5:45 class instead, which is okay, I don't really care for the teacher much since I've known her since elementary school. There's just something that bugs me about taking instruction from a girl that I know that I am older than...Her class is pretty good actually, I just hate having to miss the home activities aferwords. I know the honey will need to do dinner on his own if I go to class. This always makes me feel horrible, like I am dumping a burden on his shoulders, but then time passes and I get cranky because I am not taking care of my body...Actually I think I will do what I've been promising myself to do, my circuit training program tonight, yes that sounds like a better plan, tonight, Wednesday and Friday night with cardio days in between....No, I hate working out on Friday nights....
My mom told me over the weekend that she thinks I'm obsessed about working out. She implied that I push myself too hard. In fact I couldn't agree less, I feel like I've been slacking off too much! I think she sees this little internal fight I've been having with myself, and I feel bad for making her worry about me. The truth is, I discovered working out about a year ago, I did weight training constantly three times a week at least for three months. I shed 25 lbs. and became so addicted to feeling that good, that I haven't wanted to stop since. I've been doing more cardio, and find them both hard to balance, either I am doing one or the other in excess....

This weekend, I had my haircut. It felt like she cutt off so much! I know in reality I am just being hypersensitive about it. As ridiculous as it may sound, I've felt that my hair has become my security blanket, something I can hide behind. Silly, I know.

On Thursday night I rented Ameile. I love that movie!! It makes me want to eat croissants and espresso and move to Paris. Amelie's character reminds me so much of myself, which isn't a bad thing I suppose because I think she's super cute :)
It rained this weekend. I love the smell of the first rain of the season. It actually makes me feel like the seasons are changing, when in reality they're not very much. California is phenomenal for that. We hardly see the changing of the seasons. Here and there there will be a pretty sizable downpour, but even that is seldom.

I feel like my writing has been become mundane and boring, like I don't have anything to really express or at least express creatively. I've been happier, I guess that happens sometimes, when we become happy we get complacent and maybe even a little boring. The hun and I haven't been fighting, which is music to my ears, and the tot is doing just fine. I will find here and there that I will have a minor moment of displacement where I feel like ringing necks, but that as of late has been a rare occurance. I did however, notice that last night the tot and I got along famously. He responds well to affection. And when he notices that I've stopped, he will tug at me for more. He is precious. I often times wish he was born to me. Oh, I'd better not go there, for fear of who might read this and get a little upset about my true feelings. It's unfortunate though how torn I know he must feel. Often I notice that he feels that he has to choose between mommy figures. I try to emphasize that he doesn't, that the additional figure (me) is just there to compliment all that he already has. But how does one explain this to a nine year old? Hi, I'm here kissing your daddy, and loving him until my heart explodes, and I love you as well in so many ways, but...I'm in no way shape or form your mommy....Talk about confusing. I think I would've been extremely confused at his age. At his age, I was still playing with Barbies, and fighting off my older sisiter...Luckily my parents stayed together. I'm impressed with the glue of their coupling. They've been married for over 35 years, and counting. They know each other better than anyone does. What's more scary is that they know me pretty darn well too. I never really cut the apron strings, and don't really care to anytime soon. But that's just me, and I know for a fact that I am made of a different fabric than most people. That is fine with me though, because mon cheri, I know that I am one in a million.