Stuff Just Lot's of Stuff...

Well, so this monthly blogging thing isn't quite working out as well as I'd planned. It's quite apparent that I need to start doing this more often. I'm like a fricking time bomb when I wait too long to let stuff out. I can't really blog while I'm working - even on contract... Here's what's at the forefront on my thoughts right now....

my old employer's article that just landed on the front page of the San Jose Merc's business section
my recent choice of wedding photos
how fat and out of shape I've gotten
how badly I want a baby
how much I hope this new place (I interviewed at earlier this week) offers me a job
how lost in making money I've been
how absorbed in Sophie Kinsella (my latest fav. author) I've been
how often I've started crying lately....

So brace yourselves folks this one has the characteristics of a novel-esq blog. I warn you it's been a while since I've let my hair down...My old employer (can't name them by name) was recently interviewed for publishing this book -which I happen to be in! And for some odd reason, the article just irritated the shit out of me. I read it and wanted to throw something at them, (yes from San Jose to Mountain View) it was so f-ing obnoxious and arrogant, that it made me ill. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I guess I proved to myself that the hurt of being laid off really does take some time to heal.

Wedding photos...I've finally procrastinated longer than I have ever thought possible (in this case more than two years) and have finally chosen our 61 photos to go to press -and return in our fine leather craftsman album in Jan. 09. I mean, DAYUM I looked good! We both did.. I was so much thinner! You could actually see the contour of my lovely face! Which leads me to my next thought...This emotional eating business has gone too far. I eat what I want, when I want, and how much of whatever I want. It's actually ridiculous. It's nothing that my mere 45 min occasional runs can burn off. Or the random weight lifting session at any given gym that I'm in the mood for. I simply MUST get back to better eating habits and a routine workout. I won't journal my diet though, I hate doing that, I feel like I'm on restriction. That's the deal with me, it needs to feel normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, cause once I start thinking that I'm depriving myself, it's completely OVER -(I mean, candy, carbs, pasta, fat whatever I can get my hands on) -Not to mention my latest attempt at lowering my cholesterol levels? hahahaa, yeah, that's gone down the tubes as well. I keep telling myself, I'll just hop on over to Walgreens, and discretely purchase an "at home" self testing kit...Until I realize what I've eaten the past few weeks.

Hmmm, how convenient, this thought really leads to the next! I've been meaning to drop about 20lbs or so, just to prep my body for conception. We're not trying yet, although I think we will be pretty soon, because I am in hyper baby mode now. I can't take it. I'm almost embarrassed to say exactly how badly I've got baby fever. I irritate myself with how much I long to be a mommy. Puppies, kittens, babies, whatever, it drives me into high-octane-hand-over-the-baby-now-or-I'll-shoot mode. It's not even funny anymore. It's not even a matter of biological ticking, it's a raging obsession...

See, this is why I'm pimping myself out to other companies. I am desperate to find my niche and plant it somewhere soon. Being a contractor -and from what I hear this isn't always the case..I don't get paid holidays or leave of absence(s). So taking off 12 weeks without pay 9, 10, 11 months from now, is totally out of the question. Had this dawned on me when I accepted the stupid contract I would've kept interviewing and not gotten too comfy for the past few months...That's another obsession that's been brewing, how are we going to fork over money for daycare? (I think I've found a reasonable answer) family and more family, friends of family. It might work, if I can coax hubby into it. He's not too hot of the idea right now..But really, who better to rely on than those that raised you!?

So in taking a break from all of my busy, obsessed, and outrageous thoughts, I've turned to the latest Shopaholic series. OMG Sophie Kinsella KILLS ME. She's so outrageously funny that she actually makes me laugh out loud when everyone's gone to bed, and I am the only moron up in the world reading at 2am on a weeknight. I'm almost done with all of her books, but it's just been so much fun to read them. Turns out my sister (all the way in the UK) was reading the same exact book of Sophie Kinsella that I was at the same time! Trippy..

In hindsight, I guess it's all pretty obvious why I've been a tearful mess lately. It's quite clear that my life is changing. I know that I am the one fueling the change, but it's like I almost can't help it. Something has come over me, and I am thrown. I am ready for the next chapter. If you add raising a teen to the mix, surely you'd think I've lost it. Which I very may well have. The tot, how can I put this without sounding like a complete asshole step-monster...Has been very challenging. His lack of an actual mother in the picture hasn't lightened the load on us either. So it's really the hubby and I learning the ropes of hormonal adolescence on our own. And TRUST me, it's f-ing hard. Almost made us re-consider this whole baby thing...Until I turned on the t.v. and saw the Gerber Life Insurance commercial. Naturally, I think it's clear to all, I've lost my mind.

Ok, time to give this a rest, my eyes ache, and my head hurts. I had a glass of dessert wine tonight while making dinner (after my long bawl of course- to hubby) and now I feel like my head's been through the ringer....Man, sometimes, I realize how terrifying this must be to the average outsider, the actual crazy chaos that is our home when I watch our dog, staring at us like we're a bunch of f-ing lunatics. We love, yell, laugh, scream, and then love some more....This is my crazy life....