So, I've taken a small survey of what Joy means to people. Not just ordinary people, but the people I really care about. I have been wondering about this, because it can mean so many things to so many people..So I was wondering what the word "joy" means to other people. To me, it means, a momentary flutter of my heart. It's when I know that my soul, my mind, my heart, and my spirit are all connected. .
Below you will find the meaning of joy to my dearest, joyful friends that were gracious enough to participate. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your names in the pages of my book. Thank you for you heart warming answers. (answers have been unedited)
Michelle T:
"Joy in its most sever sense to me means:
When my heart tightens and my breathe catches and my eyes water... It sounds like a bad thing, but it's really just that I am feeling overwhelmed with positive sensations.
Joy in it's most simple sense to me means:
When something triggers me to smile, unexpectedly.
Joy by my definition means:
Happiness. Joy is a feeling of being content. Joy is the feeling I have when something pleasurable happens to or around me."
Ryan T:
"Elation"
Francesca N:
"i think joy is a type of happiness to where u can it to another coming within yourself.wht r your thoughts on that?"
(not totally sure if a word is missing, can you elaborate? I love where you're going with this - Steph)
Romina M:
"that's easy- Joy is the meaning of life!
So it many be different for each individual, but as long as they remember that Joy is the meaning of life then it is a nicer one to live."
Blanca H
"Allegrato,
Allegria,
Wine
Being Loved
Gift
dogs and cats playing
christmas
birdays
babies"
It's so interesting to compare notes. Joy has so many meanings, and yet, is so simplistic, in the sense that it really is something beautiful to each of you. I guess the next natural question would be..What brings you joy?
Love you all.
SU
Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
"There is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou
How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.
There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.
Maybe if I show you with pictures?
How true is this?! Sometimes we aren't even aware that there is a story inside that needs to be born...This is how I've felt for the past few months. There is a small little storm of a story building up inside of me, and it's not fictional. It's biographical, and it's gathering momentum, eventually it will burst out of the entrapment that is me.
There are so many things in life that I feel I should focus on. I seem to lose site of what I DO want to focus on during those times. My buried gems aren't far beneath the ground. It's fear that keeps me focusing on all that I feel that I SHOULD. Fear. It's an interesting thing. I don't really need it in my life. It truly serves no purpose other than to hold me back. It's my fear that is colliding with my agony of holding this story inside.
Maybe if I show you with pictures?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Home, Happy, Whole
Home home home. I am home. Today....was really hard. It's been a day that has been filled with adversity. Yesterday was similar, but today, the cracks in my shell are starting to show. The gooey inside is starting to spill out. Bubbling, and boiling to the edge of the pot, my innards tremble. There is no peace in my heart..Until now....
Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.
Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.
We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.
Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.
And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.
I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.
Now that I am home. Safe. Happy, whole. This is where I belong. This is where I am happy, on most days. It's my cocoon where I cannot be touched. It's where it's warm inside and the smell of apple pies in the oven, or sauteed garlic for my sauce greet my senses with a smiling sigh. A happy euphoric, drunken sigh. Happy to be here where I am not judged, but where I am a super-step mom, a loving happy wife, and adoring dog-owner.
Waiting in my car for the tot to get out of school, the sun shined on my face, heated up my car's exterior and melted the ice from my heart. Looking around at all the soccer mom's and mini-vans, I looked at my own car, with it's impeccably clean leather interior, just begging for a baby seat and crackers smashed into the upholstery.
We zoomed off to get gas, where I had the unwelcome experience of getting yelled at by some old guy who followed me all the way to the gas station for honking at him for exiting a parking lot and nearly hitting me..Really? I mean, really? Luckily hubby wasn't there, because what I wanted to do to this man, hubby could actually do, and probably want to do it.. Breathe...*I am not as big as I think I am.* After zooming away from yet another location, I decided that ice-cream was in order.
Jamoca Almond Fudge, and Quarterback Crunch, made their way into small cups and eventually into our eager mouths. Slowly savoring every bite with tiny spoons, we headed home. I laughed at my fury for being yelled at. But laughed even harder at the fact that I considered following this character for yelling me, and instead settling for flipping him the bird. Of course, the entire time making sure the tot NEVER does that.
And now, I am home. Away from "work", away from screaming disgruntled drivers, angry clients, frustrated graphic designers, and irritated managers. I am home where my cute boxer looks at me like I am the queen, as he stares longingly out the window from the second floor. At least I am the queen of this little office for now, where I can sit, type to the music of my choice, feel whatever it is that I want, even cry if I need to.
I will make this work. My happy home will bring me peace, a paycheck, and somehow a happy heart. My own words, opinions, and choice of direction will earn my living someday. My happy home will be my happy cove where I can express myself with words, and have the freedom to lace on my running shoes, and hit the trail in the middle of the day if I want, with absolutely no remorse. This will will someday be my reality.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Hope
I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the time frame of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. T hat’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Simon
I am so sad today. I found out that a good friend of mine died yesterday. His name was Simon. He was only 40. He fought and beat lung cancer. That's the part that's so hard to believe, it was in remission! It was pneumonia that killed him. He got sick, and his health was so fragile that his body just couldn't fight back. It's my understanding that this is far to common with patients that have undergone Chemo...
The world has lost such an amazing person. He was a wonderful engineer, a sweet friend, and such a good soul. He really was uppity, and never let things get him down. In fact, in not wanting to worry anyone around him, no one knew he actually HAD lung cancer until he was in the very late stages of it.
My heart hurts for his family. His older brother from Canada came to get him. I can't believe I will never see or talk to Simon again. It was just yesterday that Hubby, and I were with him at Orignial Joes. He and I went back to our house and he fell asleep on my couch, while I went to bed. I trusted him so much. I can almost hear his laughter, and his funny French accent. He was my hubby's good friend. And I worry about how hubby is handling this. He doesn't share much of how he's feeling with me, but I know he's hurting.
May God bless Simon. The world has lost an amazing individual.
He will be greatly missed.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Short Story # 1 - title pending
She took a deep breath and headed down the pathway directly in front of her. The bright sunshine beaming rays of light against her back. A warm gentle breeze swept her hair across her face. Pulling strands away from her face, she readjusted her shoulder bag and tossed her belongings onto a sprawling green lawn. Nearby tall trees and freshly manicured fields lining a carefully paved path, sprawled out before her.
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.
Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.
-To be continued..
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.
Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.
-To be continued..
Gratitude Friday
This week, has been interesting. I am learning more and more about myself and my needs with each passing week. However, I wanted to make noticeable mention to the following things that caught my attention this week. I am grateful for:
♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again
Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.
Have a great weekend!
♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again
Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, February 01, 2008
Gratitude Friday
I have decided to hork this new tradition from this blog I *LOVE* to visit: http://artsycraftybabe.typepad.com/
Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.
This week I am grateful for:
♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!
Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.
Called Gratitude Friday. Every Friday I will attempt to list things that I am grateful for. I think this is a good exercise in seeing the good in my life and to be thankful for all the blessings I have and may sometimes forget to notice.
This week I am grateful for:
♥ my loving husband, who I missed very much this week, while away on business
♥ my sweet step-son that kept him company and on his toes!
♥ my job that keeps my bills paid, no matter how much I complain about my salary
♥ my parents and sister that love me so much they worry when I travel and don't call them
♥ FL and all of it's wonderful seafood
♥ the cool mini alligators in the hotel atrium! How many people can say "I stayed in a hotel with alligators in it!?"
♥ My insurance company that is going to pay for wall damage and roof damage due to all the rain
♥ our sweet boxer, that gives me mopey-lovey eyes every morning. so sweet to be so loved
♥ my pillow and bed
♥ my kitchen and the ability to cook for myself and family
♥ my car. I actually missed driving!
♥ Auggies Piano bar, for keeping me and my co-workers thoroughly entertained after very long nights of working on an event
♥ the sales people we made fun of at Auggies Piano bar
♥ the opportunity to meet and work with the CEO of Citrix
♥ the ability to run 45 min (and counting)now without stopping!!
♥ the chance to see Collective Soul, live! Wow, great show!!!
Wow, I didn't realize how happy I am to be home. Even to a wrecked house with fans in it! (drying the walls and roof from the damage of the rain) Even though it's 4:26 on a Friday and my brain and body are stuck in the EST time zone, so it's really closer to dinner time. I am happy to be back.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Life
So, I don't have a lot to write about, I just feel that maybe I should update my "blog" on the intricate ongoings of my life. :) Not so intricate these days....
As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...
Here's what's been going on lately"
- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?
Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.
As of late I've been thinking how it would be nice to make more money. So...I am applying for new jobs. This time around, I have grown a little wiser, and know what I want, and exactly how I need to go about it. I am not settling. That's the beauty of a good job, I know my own worth now. I love working here, but the pay, is eh...So..In order to keep up with my ever complicated house matters, I need to land that whale of a job...
Here's what's been going on lately"
- have backed out of wildflower- can't justify the registration fees with all that's been going on
- need a new roof. the leak has been spreading, and now it's almost in two full rooms. Can't bear to say it, but my Dad "told me so"
-I will be heading off to FL for work next week. Kinda looking forward to a break in routine
-Can't bear to think how much I will miss hubby and the tot
-Hate the fact that I will be leaving hubby with a leaky roof!
-have been thinking more seriously about babies, and the financial reprecussion
-Have finally "hooked" up my folks with their very own lil laptop - auction at work!
-am realizing how fragile and delicate life really is. Maybe because Nonna's birthday is tomorrow?
Anyhow. that's about it. Nothing earth-shattering or life-altering to write about. Just the everyday details I call life.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Wildflower 2008
So in all my mindless body image affliction, I decided that I was going to do wildflower again... Call me crazy but I think there is a strange allure in doing a triathlon. It was exhilarating the first time, but to actually consider myself a triathlete! What a high :) This year I think I am going for the long course, which consists of a 1.5 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13 mile run. Let's not probe the how or why right now. Let me just bask in the intention.
After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!
Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.
So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip.. oh well. At least I can start now. I will do just that...just as soon as my show is over!!!
After much consideration, and regretful peeks at my iphoto library, it has occurred to me that in the past 5 years, I have gained roughly 25 lbs. This to me is disgusting, and very saddening. After having made an amazing transformation in my late twenties (some will say obsessive transformation) I've plummeted downhill like a big pink coconut coated marshmallow snowball. Complacency? Security? Laziness? I don't know. I just know that I am not happy in my own skin. Especially when I see my wedding photos just 12 lbs. ago. Sure you can sneak around the camera, tilt it just right so your extra facial chub doesn't show, but head on...man, I am not looking my finest. The funny thing is. In all my fat loathing, just earlier this month I was asked to model! Can you believe it! I almost laughed myself to death. It was a fun, and very looooooong photo shoot, but it was for work and for a client that needed two models, myself and my co-worker - my male counterpart. I was supposed to see the pics today, but can't bare to look at them. Does this make me crazy? I just can't sit there and glorify something that is so painfully obvious to me..I am overweight!
Anyhow, back to Wildflower. I was rethinking this whole thing and experienced a moment of sheer panic..."Waaah..I didn't want to do it anymore." The registration will set me back $220 which is steep for an event that could kill me. I just joined TRIbe.com which will be the tri group I train with this season instead of Team in Training. Don't get me wrong, TNT was a great experience, fundraising. not so fun....So today, I threw caution to the wind, forked over my $70 and signed up. So back to my moment of *waah, I made a mistake* I get an email from El Presidente of TRIbe himself, assuring me that I will have a "phenomenal" group to train with. Sorta made me think again. Because in these sort of events when you have to dig so deep you almost feel left inside-out. The people you train with make *A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE* Last year, I got really irritated with the "Sprint distance cry-babies" and left each running meet ready to go postal. After a while of bitching and complaining, I sort of felt indifferent. But c'mon now. You sign up to raise at the very least $2500 and to do a triathlon...There is no room for complaining in my opinion. Of course your holiness wasn't doing so hot during race day either....I wasn't prepared enough, and should've trained harder. But what could I do if all those clicky cry-babies made me crazy?! Train alone of course...Not a good idea.
So TRIbe, is actually very cool because the lady who won Wildflower's Long Course last year (in about half the time everyone else finished) is one of my training coaches!! Yowza's!! Lukcy me, I get an ass-beating on a weekly basis if I am lucky enough!! I am really looking forward to it. I have never really met or trained with a true triathlete of that caliber.
So here I go...Crossing all extremities, holding my breath, clicking my heels, whatever the *F* it takes to get through this. Training begins at the end of Jan. Of course while I will be on a business trip..
Sunday, December 09, 2007
My Moon Catching Net
Yes, I want more. Who doesn't? I believe in me. I believe in a greater God. I believe that all things are possible. With the right attitude and a lot of faith. What comes into your life sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, is not of your control. You can control your little solar system within you, but your external environment. No way. That is not coming from you. Yes. You heard me correctly. God does that. That's his deal. What you chose to do with it is up to you. Now, this morning I had a revelation. I decided that I want more. I want the moon, if I could reach it, I'd take it. Just like Shel Silverstein said, he's makin' a moon catchin' net tonight. But it's not just the moon I am going after, it will be the stars, little planets, and all of the above.
All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.
I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.
I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."
So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.
It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.
Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.
The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.
Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.
All my life, I knew I'd have more. Not more because my prince in white and shining armor was on his way to get me, and wisk me away to his castle. I knew that I'd be a woman of resource, of intelligence. That as soon as my path made itself known to me, I'd take the course. I have been in a place, where I sort of forgotten. I've been there for years. It's been dark, with some light, and a little laughter. It's not a place that I was meant to stay. Visit, yes, learn, appreicate, and then move along from. I know that God planted so much in my heart. He gave me wisdom, passion, he gave me love. I have all of these things and more. For what? Well, to make the best of what I have, to truly appreciate where I am, and where I've been. And to see with my eyes wide open where I am going next. I see it. Today, I see it. It's a very beautiful path, and you know what? I am taking my loved ones with me. I don't mean heaven, or anything like that. Someday yes, but not today. Not even tomorrow. I mean the path that leads to I wealth, abundance, I mean a multitude of more great things. It's there for the taking, and man I am taking it.
I don't need super stardom. I don't need Hollywood and all of it's fantastic bullshit. Substance, direction, a higher calling. I heard, loud and clear, Lord, here I am.
I spoke to my Mother today. She said the same thing. She said
"You're so blessed, why don't you use your gift?"
"I said, Mom, I think I need to write." she said
"About what..?" I told her pretty plainly.
"About my life, about where I've been, and where I am going."
"coming of age, but for grownups."
So there are a gazillion places that I've been that I can tell you about. I've experienced a lot of emotion in a short period of time. My life has been full of food, love, family, work, a husband, and step-son, an ex-wife, and so much more. It's been great, it's been tough. I have a good life, I have enough, but I want more. I have a beautiful home. It's not decadent, but it's ours. Soon someday, I will have a little baby to rock and craddle. But not today. Soon though. If I could have many babies. I would do just that. I love mothering. Maybe too much. I love what babies bring to your heart. They're so pure and filled with joyful light. They know nothing, other than their dire need to survive. That necessity is so beautiful to me.
It's Christmas time right now. I respectfully understand this time of year means so much to so many people. It's the time of year that brings so much stress, but so many wonderful memories. It's triumphant, it's cold and chilly, and the air is often filled with the crisp smell of burning logs in the fireplace. It's so cold that our boxer searches all day long for the primary source of sunlight, and just plops is muscular and angular little self in that patch of son.
Having grown up in an Italian -American home. Christmas to me has meant a number of things. First and foremost, the birth of Christ. But not just that. It's been family, it's been the smell of a pine tree beautifully decorated in your family room. It's the stockings on the mantle with funny glittered writing of my sister and my names on them. It was playing with my Nonna's manger scene. Brining the horses and camels to the stream of aluminum foil water for a drink. It was searching for the tiny porcelain body of baby Jesus. It was tolerating the hard stale candies we were obligated to take as "Thank you" helpings. Christmas was my mother making Gee-gee days before Christmas. It was my sister and I doing whatver possible to distract ourselves from the gooey honey that bound them all together. Christmas was my father buying me an encylopedia set of the interesting world of insects; and then a year later a calligraphy set. If I'd asked him for hotwheels, he would've joyfully obliged. But I was more the girly kind. Perferring the strawberry shortcake toys over everything else. Christmas was caroling with my firends, in our mildly coldish California weather. And then hoofing it back to her house for hot chocolate. That friend, is still singing to this day. She has the voice of an Angel. I hear that she recently made a cameo appearance in Spider Man 3. It made so proud of her.
The only thing I really did this year was make paper snowflakes with the tot. I forgot how much I loved doing that. He'd never made them, so this gave me a chance to dispense my cutting expertise and adivce to his young, and slowly enlarging hands. He's grown so much. Sometimes I look at him and feel like, "Who is this kid?" He's as tall as I am. I can only pray that his father and I have given him something to remember. And not just my pasta dishes, and pesto-making abilities. I want him to remember home, and to remember how much he is loved no matter what he does.
Yes, I want more. I want a lot. I want it all, some would say. But the difference between me and those "some" is that I will get it. Not by chance, nor by some lucky streak, but because I believe it. I feel it, smell it, and taste it. I know that for some strange reason, "my day" will come soon. I feel like it's just around the corner. Like a new neighbor that is getting ready to drop off a pie. Yes that day will come.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
An Ode to The Past
I see you on the screen
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
giggling and laughing at things that I see.
I see your old life, much to your despair
I see how you were,
not completely there.
I saw how you stood aside
and let others do the work
I see how you felt, a little awkward
and not so much alert.
I felt a lingering sadness
as I watched snippets of your life,
I saw you new and strange, in your role as the first wife.
I can almost empathize, a little hiccup in my heart,
with why it might've been difficult for you or even a little hard.
Although you're not entirely
scott-free of all the blame
you played your role
like a bluffing player
in a riveting poker game.
I don't really care, for your method or your manner.
I am much more subtle and sweeter with the banter.
I love them with my heart,
Now I fully see,
that I'm better suited,
between you and me,
to play the Mommy-wife part.
I just feel sad for you.
For all that you were,
and how feebly you've pulled through.
As a member of my sex, I almost want to give you a hand
but deep inside my soul,
I know it's me you cannot stand.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
La Vita Non e' Tutta Brutta
(translation: Life isn't all bad..or ugly) at least for now. I find myself in a not-so-dismal place right now. I am happy. The house purchase is moving along, although I could strangle my MIA (second) broker right now...(deep breaths - resuming yoga-like calmness)
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
I am good. Work is eh, cosi cosi. Although sometimes I don't feel so totally understood here. I am starting to learn that my temper / crazy life might be just slightly influenced by my background / upbringing. Which really isn't such a shocker. I think I go through this train of thought, at least once a year. Hence the name "The Fury." I have to say this name was given to me by a friend of mine (Finny's hubby) Bubba. We worked together, and I guess he saw it fit that I be named this. We both agreed that I had the temper of The Fury (WWF wrestler) but the physical strength of a twelve year-old. The world would be a dangerous place if I had that sort of strength.
Thank goodness I have my carissima Frana-Banana. Whom, is my ever elusive, demur, ass-kicking, ridiculously hysterical Italian counter part. In other words my closest friend..I can't help but think of my step son - "the tot" and his question as to why so many Italians are named Francesca. And am I going to name our daughter (future) that? Or give her my middle name? (Francesca) I could only helplessly shrug and say, actually I got my middle name from my Nonno (Francesco)...
I don't know why, but sometimes I sit quietly and listen to office chatter, and can't help but giggle to myself at how "antipatico" their humor is.. If only they were lucky enough to get a daily dose of stuffonmycat.com (hmph) Maybe they would laugh and chirp hysterically like I do at silly pictures of cats in odd poses, with random placement of things on them...
Ohhhh, last night, I visited Toy's R Us...which of course prompted my lengthy investigative internet research on all thing "Johnny Johnson" Oh yess, it's haunted. I was all skiddish last night, and even felt "watched" I know there probably isn't such thing as ghosts...but it's hard not to think about it. I asked the checkout girl if the place was really haunted, and she avoided answering me, I asked her if a lot of people asked about that, and she only nodded..
Ahhh, Halloween, my FAVorite time of the year. October is a great month! And not just because it's my birthday month either....Ack, my primary source of income beckons.. Need to run.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Eye of the Storm
I don't really have a lot to say today. I am a little sad, I got into it pretty badly with hubby over the weekend. Buying this house has made me a little crazy I think. I got angry, I said mean things, and now I feel pretty badly about it...I feel like stress just had me by the hair. I know that is no excuse. I need to control myself. I need to keep my feelings in check before they take me into a dark alley and beat the snot out of me and those that I love...
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
This has been a rocky start to 32. I feel kinda dark inside, like this isn't the place to air this dirty laundry. But I need to get it off my chest, I need this to be my happy area.
For the first time in a very long time, I have no one to blame for my anxiety but myself. I don't even have the ex-monster to blame. Strange, she always finds a way into my irritability, and I find it so easy to slough off my anger on her. But this time, it's just me.
I started to work on my headboard. I am almost done. I even took photos, I just need to post them.
I think it's the burden of moving that's hovering over me like a little cloud. I seem to go into a super high gear of procrastination when I get like this. I think it's a new low. I know marriage is no cake-walk, maybe it is for some people, but everyone has issues..
The funny thing is, today I decided to monitor every single thing I eat. Because this weekend, I ate like a horse! And today, I am realizing that I have slipped into this area where nothing matters to me. It's sad. It's dark, and I don't like it in here. At least I can "see" the self-sabatoging eating dysfunction. I used to eat too little. Now, after ballooning about 20 pounds, I am eating too much, and for the wrong reasons...I need to find that happy, buzzing, bubbling middle ground. Where I feel great. I've been there..Strangely, I was happy to be back at work today. Happy to not be home where I feel too much. Happy to be away from my unfinished projects, and thoughts of anxiety around "the move" and getting rid of all my old shit that I don't need anymore...
Maybe that is the problem. I need to face them head on instead of running away from everything..I just hate it when I feel like I am "raging" I scare people. I scare myself. I guess I don't handle stress as well as I'd thought.
This is my cove, my safe-place. I am sorry that it's not a happy place to visit today. But I guess that's life. It will not always be smiling, and happy...
UPDATE:
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine..Turns out her day was just as crappy if not more than mine yesterday...What is it with "Misery loves company?" But for some reason, without having to go into any great detail, we talked. She listened, commiserated with me, and then sort of let me know she was on my side. It's so nice to have friends, that you know will still love you, even if you act like a monster sometimes..I will see her a few other gals on Thursday night for our monthly margarita mixer. I guess sometimes it pays off to let things out of the bad a little. I feel much better.
Friday, October 12, 2007
House projects, craft projects, and more house projects
"Design on a dime?" Check. "Sell this house?" check. "My house is worth what?" check. "Color correction" check.. basically you can spew off all the HGTV programs, and I am either watching them, or getting ready to. I like to keep myself as busy as possible. I don't like too much down time. The occasional yoga class or massage is nice, but generally I have a pretty upbeat tempo. I don't, however like to wake up early on the weekends, if I can at all avoid it.
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
Below is a plethora of what's been going on lately...
Hubby and I are in escrow. Pretty soon we will be shiny brand new homeowners. (endless projects are brewing right now, see below for details)
Let's see, I just celebrated my thirty-second year on this earth. I tell you 32 is not that bad! It's soooo much easier than 20 or 16 for that matter. I am sorta lovin' this space that I am in. I am really starting to embrace my age group, our hobbies, and similar likings. The tough part is actually living the age and trying to look younger...My body was much more malleable at 20 though..However, I do have endurance of a young mule right now, so kudos to that!
Work is chugging along quietly. I really do appreciate how my work has been so accommodating with my emergency broker meetings, and last minute conference calls involving all things "house' related. I seem to have inherited one account that I think will work in my favor, I think it could help me get a promotion if I play my cards right...But I can't really delve into that for obvious reasons...I really love the people I work with too. I work at a design firm where I really feel like I am in a world that I belong in. The people are crazy, have bright yellow mowhawks (okay not all of them) but they love colors, and are soo expressive. I went to visit my old employer last week, and it was soo quiet there that I started getting depressed. (It was for a scheduled poker night that I used to attend) As I was chatting with some old co-workers, I started to feel like the loudest, rowdiest person in the whole building! The next day I came into work so grateful that I work with such expressively loud and fun people! I have my "days" here, but for the most part, I really like it here and my place in the organization.
House stuff...(rubbing hands together slyly) I am working on creating my very own piece of heaven that I will later name "Hubby and I's bedroom." I have all the colors picked out and am currently constructing my own headboard. I will post photos this weekend when I get a chance. It's still a work in progress but it's slowly coming together. I am not totally sure what the height should be though. My Dad somehow talked me into keeping the plywood one gigantic piece, for some reason that seemed logical at the time...But I stained the trim that will border the headboard a cherry-wood color, now I just need to make sure it doesn't look like ass. It's been drying in the garage since it's been rainy. Who knew that woodstain produces vomit-inducing fumes? Hubby almost passed out from the stink! I have made the buttons that will act as the upholstery cushion / buttons. The actual material will be a cream colored faux suede. Hard to explain , see photo.
So this is the "look" I am going for, expect I am going to add brown upholstered buttons (9 to be exact)Unless I change my mind.... We have a mix of furniture styles that I will need to accommodate but I think it will work as long as I stay within the same wood tones. They're sort of antique-ish.. The walls I want to paint a light blue. (I think a light robin egg's blue)but after looking at this picture I am starting to change my mind...Damn it, I hate that..I am not totally sure yet. I think I want to add a brown accent in the room somehow, but I don't want to commit to trim just yet....
Oh, look at the time 4:59...I need to make a mad dash to the gym to try in squeeze in one last weight-training session before I throw myself head-first into my "house" projects. Next on the list...paint shopping...We close escrow in about2 weeks or so.
Hooray it's the weekend!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
New Beginnings
I think it's been a while since I actually post something positive. Today, I feel happy. Hubby has been gone this weekend (not that I am happy he's gone or anything..Just happy he's off doing something that makes him feel good.) It's been just me and the little guy. I forget how much I love to spend time with him. He's growing so fast, and asks such adult questions sometimes. When I am with him, I feel like I definitely need to be the grown up, and protect him no matter what. I try to give him his space, and remember that he's a child. It's not as hard as it seems, and during golden moments, it's nothing short of a moment with my own son. I know he's not my own child, but sometimes, I feel like he is. I wish he were.
Anyhow, yesterday we took my folks out for my Mom's 60th birthday. I had this great "birthday picnic" planned, starting with a quick jaunt over to a townhouse that I wanted to look at. I dragged my folks and the little guy out there with me, (which isn't far from where we live now) and I was so plesantly surprized! I loved it. It's small and of course like most bay area housing priced accordingly to where we live...(which means a lot for those living outside of CA) Amusingly, I watch HGTV and just wanna jump off a bridge when I see the gargantuan houses at the prices the buyers are buying them for, and watching them squak about the prices!!!! It's actually totally ridiculous. Anyhow..not to dampen this glorius moment or anything...but I LOVED this aforementioned place. It was cute, sunny, decently priced (considering) had all the rooms / bathrooms I wanted, but apparently had some inspection issues, so I will need to delve a little deeper. But I think we might want to make an offer, I know hubby will love it too. My folks loved it too, which was a little shocking to me. My Mom, will love whatever I love, she will always find something positive about it. My Dad, however is the opposite. He will usually find something wrong with it and warn me against it. This time though, they both loved it. The little guy skipped around discovering little dreams of his own, living there. Worried about which high school this would land him at I am sure, but quite excited nonetheless. Or maybe I was just so bubbly with excitement that I read it everywhere I looked??
After that, we went to Vasona park, which was my master plan the whole time. We got totally lost trying to find it, and FINALLY after much low-blood sugar/ driving-lost tension we stumbled onto the parking lot of my favorite park. I had visions of my Dad and the little guy riding the little train together, my Mom and I smiling, sprawled out on the grass in the shade...and come to find out....IT WAS CLOSED! Due to this gigantoid fire in the vicinity, it was being used as a Firefighter central command station....I mean c'mon guys..Labor day weekend, couldn't they find another 100 acre wood elsewhere in the million dollar hills to reconvene? Cursing under my breath, and trying to keep a smile on my face. I whizzed off back to our hometown, to a downgraded park with palm trees, a funny little blue pond, and lots and lots of grass for running, sprawling, croquet, and frisbee.
On Friday I bought this amazing super duper fast frisbee, for oh, $10. It was so amazing that only after a few minutes of tossing it around, it landed itself into the funny little pond and sunk straight to the bottom...Sigh...At this point, I gave up control, or lack there of it...
We wrapped up the night with a viewing of "Balls of Fire" which turned out to be stupidly funny, and mildly entertaining. It kept the little guy, my Mom and Dad giggling, so that's all the really mattered to me. AND Mom actually stayed awake! So I think I might've picked a winner.
Overall, it was a great day. I can't help but fantasize about being a homeowner, with our own home, and an extra room for **the baby** or future baby I should say. But still, even actually seeing another room for a potential office is music to my ears, I am so tired of having my desk in the living room for all the world to see, or balk at since I have been a disorganized pig for the last 4 years or so. I don't know what happened. Maybe I got lazy? Maybe I am too tired to clean, I don't know. I just know that trying to keep everything in its neat little place just isn't working out here, since we're rapidly running out of space. Here too, I have given up control. I just try to keep a close watch on that ever-growing mammoth pile of laundry over there in that corner...I don't mind the washing, its the folding that gets me....
I don't want to get my hopes of owning this **perfect little home** but I can't help it. We've already made offers and have been out-bid two other times. Let's not get me started on the real estate market around here, I really don't feel like crying in my coffee right now...Let's let visions of sugarplums dance through my head...At least until Thursday at noon, when the seller starts taking offers...
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Ex....
Do you ever have moments, when you wonder, just how in the hell you ended up knowing someone, say for example, a completely retarded, and inexcusably lame ex-wife? Today, is one of those days. It's been a while since I've had to bitch about her. But today, I just can't take her bullshit anymore. She lies, and she's a really sad excuse of a mother. It makes me so so sad for the little guy..In fact, I feel like crying for him right now. Actually, I really just feel like beating her with my rolling pin, or a shoe. She totally doesn't value his tender young age, and the time that she has with him.
I sometimes wish I could shake her and make her realize just how stupid she is being. I almost want to have a baby just to spite her stupidity and show her how it's really done...Hubby has more than he can handle right now. Man this sucks, she sucks the biggest one of them all.
Monday, August 20, 2007
fresh apples - BLEH
This morning, after rolling out of bed, quite late, I realized that hmm, maybe I've gotten a tad overweight, and yes, maybe I should start south-beaching again...I don't know, I really am a pill when I cut sugar out, and since I don't do artificial sweetner anymore, it's gotten really challenging, minus the migraines...
So I barreled into work, ten minutes early for our regularly scheduled staff meetings, (woo-hoo) I made myself a cappucino, and threw my egg whites in the fridge. An hour later (after being randomly selected to be on a team, and start video editing) I decided I needed some sugar..so..I heated the carefully prepared egg whites, and rinsed off a fresh granny smith apple a co-worker brought from an apple tree gone wild at his house.. Yumm, freshly-home-grown apples. Of course, I am here waiting for my egg whites, dreaming of apple pies, apple bread, apple butter, apple tart..all the wonderful things I could "wow" my co-workers with. After a few bites, I look down, and realize I've chomped into a small brown hole....(the egg whites finish, and the microwave buzzes, as if it's three thousand miles away) I reach for a knife, to a lurking account manager's dismay, I cracked the little sucker in half and learn that yes, it was a worm hole once, and that it mysteriously led to a larger brown hole filled with gunk....DAMNIT..I grab my egg whites, heaving, imagining a worm dancing in my stomach and head back to my cube..DAMNIT again.
Onto lunch. Yay, team outing!!! I love my team, but I don't love how "masculine" they eat...my passing thought about how quickily I've gained 10 lbs, and how mabye I should have salads for the rest of my life, goes to the wind, because they chose to have lunch at "Clarks" DAMNIT. So I order a bleu cheese burger, they order a basket of community fries and ohh, lookee here, our waitress screwed up our order, and gave us a free basket of onion rings.. OMG, is this a joke?!
DAMN DAMN DAMN
So I eat it, most of it...I join in on the grease fest, and then vow to myself that I will run everyday this week, despite the incriminating results my x-ray will produce today during my chiropractic exam...
Damn apples..
So I barreled into work, ten minutes early for our regularly scheduled staff meetings, (woo-hoo) I made myself a cappucino, and threw my egg whites in the fridge. An hour later (after being randomly selected to be on a team, and start video editing) I decided I needed some sugar..so..I heated the carefully prepared egg whites, and rinsed off a fresh granny smith apple a co-worker brought from an apple tree gone wild at his house.. Yumm, freshly-home-grown apples. Of course, I am here waiting for my egg whites, dreaming of apple pies, apple bread, apple butter, apple tart..all the wonderful things I could "wow" my co-workers with. After a few bites, I look down, and realize I've chomped into a small brown hole....(the egg whites finish, and the microwave buzzes, as if it's three thousand miles away) I reach for a knife, to a lurking account manager's dismay, I cracked the little sucker in half and learn that yes, it was a worm hole once, and that it mysteriously led to a larger brown hole filled with gunk....DAMNIT..I grab my egg whites, heaving, imagining a worm dancing in my stomach and head back to my cube..DAMNIT again.
Onto lunch. Yay, team outing!!! I love my team, but I don't love how "masculine" they eat...my passing thought about how quickily I've gained 10 lbs, and how mabye I should have salads for the rest of my life, goes to the wind, because they chose to have lunch at "Clarks" DAMNIT. So I order a bleu cheese burger, they order a basket of community fries and ohh, lookee here, our waitress screwed up our order, and gave us a free basket of onion rings.. OMG, is this a joke?!
DAMN DAMN DAMN
So I eat it, most of it...I join in on the grease fest, and then vow to myself that I will run everyday this week, despite the incriminating results my x-ray will produce today during my chiropractic exam...
Damn apples..
Friday, August 10, 2007
5:02:03 *Wildflower*
It just dawned on me that I never wrote about this event.. This took place on Saturday, May 5th 2007
I've never pushed my body more than I did yesterday. It was great, it was humbling, and I hope to do it again, maybe even again next year... Pictures to come after they've been developed...Forgot my camera (doh!)Final time was 5 hours, 2 minutes and 3 seconds. I had hoped to do it in 4 hours. But I am okay with my timing. I worked my ass off.
Above are a few photos at the beginning of my swim. The reason you can't see me is because I was one in about 7 thousand athletes this weekend that participated.
Here's the breakdown according to my own timing: (these are rough estimates, I kept forgetting to turn off my stop watch before I got to the transition area)So these are from memory and not totally accurate.
swim (.93 miles) = 1 hour 5 minutes (this transition was the longest, getting out of a wetsuit and into biking gear is very tedious)
bike (25.2 miles) = 2 hours 20 minutes (had a few close calls, with some downhill high speeds, but made it through without eating gravel)
run (6.2 miles) = 1 hour 10 minutes (not totally sure on this timing, I never knew I could be so tired, I could barely run downhill)
my transitions took me longer than I expected 5 - 10 minutes each or so.. I was all over the place!
It was awesome. I am sore today but soo very humbled. There were handicapped folks with only two arms, no legs, or one leg, people of all types that competed. Overall, I have to say the support of my team is what really got me through it. As much of a pill as I was during the training season, their encouragement helped enormously. The frosting on the cake was seeing my sweet husbands face as I got out of the water trying to take my photo, and finally when I crossed the finish line. My parents were sooo sweet too cheering me on. The enormity of the whole thing was mind blowing, and how much it really makes you value your health and blessings. They all gleamed when I came across the line, and it made me feel so good. But the last person I ran to was Michael. It was great. The feeling I got is inexplicable. (it was the a combination of wanting to laugh, cry, and throwing myself back into the lake to cool off all at the same time)
There were old people (79 I think was the oldest) and young people (12 year old girl) that completed the whole course. And then the bulk of us 25-40 age range.
I will never forget this weekend. How hard I pushed myself, and how much harder I CAN push myself.
There have only been a few personal challenges that I am very proud of, now to add to my list
1. Raising over $3k for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
2. Actually being able to classify myself as a "tri-athlete"
3. Climbing Half Dome. (which now seems like such a small feat)
my next venture...to complete a full marathon before 40. I want to get back into weight training and tone up a bit first. (I actually considered going running today...until I realized that I need to let my body catch up with my brain.)But for today.. I think I've earned a day off :)
I've never pushed my body more than I did yesterday. It was great, it was humbling, and I hope to do it again, maybe even again next year... Pictures to come after they've been developed...Forgot my camera (doh!)Final time was 5 hours, 2 minutes and 3 seconds. I had hoped to do it in 4 hours. But I am okay with my timing. I worked my ass off.
Above are a few photos at the beginning of my swim. The reason you can't see me is because I was one in about 7 thousand athletes this weekend that participated.
Here's the breakdown according to my own timing: (these are rough estimates, I kept forgetting to turn off my stop watch before I got to the transition area)So these are from memory and not totally accurate.
swim (.93 miles) = 1 hour 5 minutes (this transition was the longest, getting out of a wetsuit and into biking gear is very tedious)
bike (25.2 miles) = 2 hours 20 minutes (had a few close calls, with some downhill high speeds, but made it through without eating gravel)
run (6.2 miles) = 1 hour 10 minutes (not totally sure on this timing, I never knew I could be so tired, I could barely run downhill)
my transitions took me longer than I expected 5 - 10 minutes each or so.. I was all over the place!
It was awesome. I am sore today but soo very humbled. There were handicapped folks with only two arms, no legs, or one leg, people of all types that competed. Overall, I have to say the support of my team is what really got me through it. As much of a pill as I was during the training season, their encouragement helped enormously. The frosting on the cake was seeing my sweet husbands face as I got out of the water trying to take my photo, and finally when I crossed the finish line. My parents were sooo sweet too cheering me on. The enormity of the whole thing was mind blowing, and how much it really makes you value your health and blessings. They all gleamed when I came across the line, and it made me feel so good. But the last person I ran to was Michael. It was great. The feeling I got is inexplicable. (it was the a combination of wanting to laugh, cry, and throwing myself back into the lake to cool off all at the same time)
There were old people (79 I think was the oldest) and young people (12 year old girl) that completed the whole course. And then the bulk of us 25-40 age range.
I will never forget this weekend. How hard I pushed myself, and how much harder I CAN push myself.
There have only been a few personal challenges that I am very proud of, now to add to my list
1. Raising over $3k for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
2. Actually being able to classify myself as a "tri-athlete"
3. Climbing Half Dome. (which now seems like such a small feat)
my next venture...to complete a full marathon before 40. I want to get back into weight training and tone up a bit first. (I actually considered going running today...until I realized that I need to let my body catch up with my brain.)But for today.. I think I've earned a day off :)
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