bubba

It's been three weeks today since we put the kitty to sleep, and I still miss him like crazy. I don't cry anymore, now I am just sad about it. I thought we might be happier if we got another cat, but it's just not the same...I miss him...

Reaching New Heights

I seem to have reached a new height with my workouts. I don't know exactly what it is. I guess I broke a barrier, or mental block I had put firmly in place for myself for the better part of a few years. A long time ago I was able to run for 10 miles. I am not quite there yet, nor do I strive to be. But I did manage to do a full 6 miles. I got so emotional throughout my run, I felt like crying, laughing, I was all over the place! All the while listening to my ipod! I trained sooo hard. Then today, in a moment of mental weakness I broke down and ate and ate and ate. Chocolate. I don't know why this is my comfort food...Maybe because I got scared with how well I really did, and I sorta secretly sabotaged myself?? I don't know. At least now I don't really think too much about the workouts, I just do them. I've been targeting 7 days a week. I managed to do 6 last week, and will do 6 again this week.

Our Team in Training official kickoff is this Saturday. I still have $2100 left to raise. Which I think I will pull off somehow. Tonight is supposed to be my off day, but I missed my Tuesday workout. (Wasn't feeling too well) But I am meeting with my personal trainer tonight. I am excited, he's good, just talks a lot sometimes...

Wow, I need to run, I am going to be late if I don't leave now!! TGIF.

Training Blues

Lord, who knew that training AND fund-raising would be so difficult? Not only am I pushing myself physically more than I ever have, everyday, but I am living with the anxiety of not being able to raise enough money by my deadline. The schedule may not seem like much to those who are athletically gifted, but to an artist by trade, and daughter of Italians (I am touching on all the food I am inclined to eat without a moments hesitation) it's been quite a stretch for me. Mind you all this stuff happens after a full business day, and pre or post step-mommy responsibilities.. (which thankfully for my ROCKSTAR husband, have been few these days)

Monday: run 30-60 min.
Tuesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Wednesday: bike / swim 45 min. each
Thursday: run 60 min.
Friday: (I am supposed to rest, but have decided to start meeting with my personal trainer to start strength training again)
Saturday: run (not sure duration yet, probably short 30 min run)

Fund-raising...ARG! I know people seem to have really good intentions, but no one is really ACTING on them...It's discouraging only because I am so heavily involved now. The only money in my online donation site is the $25 I donated to myself! (lol, it's starting to make me feel a little hopeless) However....I did notice people taking my url-tear off- thingies from the flyers I have posted at every Starbucks imaginable...Okay, so I only hit 10 or 12 places last night..but it's really interesting to see how different people treat you when you're asking for money. I didn't buy coffe, just made a complete ass of myself for trying to stick tacks onto a magnetic board..Hey, no one said you had to be a genius to do this!

Good thing about all this is, I have been sleeping like a hibernating bear. Bad thing is, I am out like a light by 10:30 or 11. poor hubby.

My toes really hurt today, lol, not my feet but my toes..Hmm and my abs to. My trainer nearly strangled me when I told him what I am planning. Not because he doesn't believe in me, but because he's visualizing all sorts of muscle tears and sprains.

Ah well, thank god it's Friday, at least I get to sleep in tomorrow and resume my knitting / crocheting bonanza. I think I am going to try and sell my scarves to help raise some dough...

Dough...hmm, cookies anyone?? I think I smell a bake sale..

Team in Training -YIKES!!

Okay, call me "CRAZY"!!! I have decided to try and complete my first triathlon. My first meeting is this weekend. I have to figure out how much money I can commit to raising for Team in Training and if I am faint at heart...It goes to a very worthwhile cause..I will raises funds that will go toward research for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease, and related cancers. Seeing that I've had family members that have passed away due to cancer and that currently live with cancer, this means quite a bit to me. This is more than just a race.

Initially I never thought I could do something like this until one of my very brave co-workers reeled me in. I will be participating in 0.93-mile open water swim, 24.8-mile bike ride, and then round it off with a 6.2-mile run. I am nervous as hell, but feel confident that my excitement will propel me through. Plus, it will be nice to get in shape for such a good reason!

If you're reading this blog right now, and are a friend of mine, you may get hit up for a donation. I guess this meeting will be very telling this weekend. I am pretty amped about it, and can't wait to see what they say. This isn't a full triathlon, I think it's half, but nonetheless, I want my future kids to know that Mommy kicked some ass before they were born. :D


God help me!

For the kitty

Dear Bubba,
I am so sorry we had to put you to sleep this morning. Your papa and I had a really rough time with this. My head is still pounding from all the tears that escaped. We were supposed to do this on Christmas Eve. But we fought it, feeling that you still had more spunk in you. You did. But you've faded quickly. After 18 years of life, which is a nice long life for a kitty, today marks the day of your death.

Last night was a very rough night for you. You meowed at all hours of the night. The bags under my eyes are very big today, and the sorrow in my heart is heavy. After I woke up and found you in the condition you were in, it wasn't difficult to make the decision. I don't want you to suffer anymore. You were very quiet on the way to the Humane Society. I think you knew what was going on. You were a great cat even to the very last moment.

Little guy is going to be very upset tonight. He doesn't know yet. He will miss you the most. He was your boy for 11 years. As far as we were concerned you belonged "to him". This is just another difficult step that I am going to have to learn to take as his step-mommy. We will be there for him, and be strong as much as we both miss you. I was told that when I said goodbye to you this morning that you took the whole thing well. You purred all the way to the very end.

You weren't my kitty from the very start, but you made me feel like you were right away. You loved me so unconditionally. I will never forget what a sweet cat you were, and there will always be special spot in my heart for you.

I hope that you make it up to kitty heaven and watch us from there. Buster already misses you and is acting strange. It's going to be hard getting used to not seeing you anymore.

I love you.
Your Mama
S

Gimmmeee a "D"

U - A - R - T - E what's that spell?? Happiness..new work, new people, new stresses, new everything. I can't wait!!!! Although I must say that SCEA knows how to throw a launch party...The PS3 was a very successful launch. I even struck a conversatiom with "she-who-must-not-be-named"...Well, it's been fun. From E3 to the PS3. However, it's my time to move on...No more "she-who-must-not-be-named" ie noodlehead on my back. After today I have one more of these meetings, and I am done..I can't even tell you the relief. Today it was relief, last week, it was something strange..I dunno, almost sadness...I guess I will miss the whole glitz and glammour. The celebrities, the rappers, the fun. But I will mostly just miss my very good friend Blanca. She's been my pillar of strength here. We met early on, but clicked in the split of a second. Since then, we've stumbled out of numerous bars, company parties, and giggled ourselves into oblivion. One time, we even attempted to lift weights together, but the laughter was too much. NOTE TO SELF: DON'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WITH SILLY FRIENDS MAKING ME WANT TO LAUGH. I will definitely miss her more than anyone...

However, I am so excited beyond belief...I've got a gift exchange, holiday party, and countless creative people heading my way...although twenty graphic designers all under one roof could be hazardous..It will definitely be a job that I will never forget...I think we all belong together, creative or not. Plus I get to be a little closer to my past and present Fortify peeps. Good times...

What to make...I have been told that I will be provided with $15 and the choice to make or purchase a gift for this person that I have never met.....you ask...Well, yes of course, I will MAKE something, just don't know what...Maybe a little stocking filled with goodies..? Knitting isn't my bag..I wish it were but I don't have a lot of patience these days. Most of it goes to the eleven-year-old of our household...

I can crochet like there's no tomorrow...Hmmm, need to think on this a bit more...

in the meantime. Hooray!!!

The Dentist.....

Yes, another visit. I repeat ANOTHER VISIT. Since being married, I think I have been there about 30 times...and once to a specialist, because he pulled an "Oh Shit" on me....So, needless to say I think my mouth undoubtedly will reject at all costs any sort of crown attempted to be placed in the molar region..

Granted, I thought it was pretty cool that it took only an hour. I have had death threats from noodlehead in the past for taking too much time at the dentist. Then again, a warranted death threat from her can come from coming in at 9:15 instead if 9:00...so maybe it's not as bad as I am painting it out to be...

Still, the dentist...the drilling, the cold air on my teeth, the "test" grinding, it's enough to make my hair stand on end. And trust me folks, I have a lot of curly hair..There was one episode of The Simpsons that did it to me...It was that one when Homer had eye laser surgery, and his eyes crusted over the noise of the crust, the yetllow..ugh..It gave me that same nauseating feeling like I was going to hurl...

Lol, and I want to have kids...I'll be great so long as they put up one of those blue tents on me, and I don't have to see my own blood everywhere...Snort..

So now, I am just pushing this "permanent" crown around. I give it a week until the sucker pops out. I specifically asked for heavy-duty-cement-mixing-super-duper adhesive so I wouldn't have to go through this again in two weeks..I wonder what he really thinks about me after I leave. I bet I am his biggest pain in the ass.

HAahaa

Notice of Resignation

OMG, I actually did it...I gave my notice..I was totally the bigger person in all this. I was very gracious, and thanked her (her / she = noodlehead) for the opportunity she gave me here. I told her that I wasn't going to lie, to her or to myself, and that I thought it was best if I moved on. I suggested she find someone better fitted to this position than me. She agreed. I said it would be best for the "team" that I am leaving.

I did speak to HR this morning before I spoke to her. They told me that she can withold my two weeks pay if she wanted. So I felt it was best if I was curtious about it, and was nice to her upon my exit. As much as I wanted to give her "the finger."

She said she was sorry to see me leave. She asked if I had something else lined up, and I said "yes." It was actually all very civil...(I know deep down that she was just as relieved as I was)

As much as I wanted to jump up and down and do cartwheels, I didn't. I just walked out of her office, thinking this is the beginning of something great. Such a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. It's all so liberating, I think I will go workout...It's about time I put myself in the driver's seat again...

Rare Form

I think it's the premenstrual curse or something plaguing me today. I swear the strangest things are so amusing to me right now. I have fought, cried, laughed, felt every range of emotion on the spectrum. Other than the fact that I am ready to bite my week-long nail growth to the bone with nervous anticipation, and that my head feels like it's going to explode, I can't wait to hear back from the people who interviewed me.

Its very nice out today. It's not all muggy and cloudy, at least up here in Foster City, it's rather pleasant. I finished my book last night "Running with Scissors." I am strangely annoyed with it. The ending wasn't the sort of monumental, "OMFG-I-loved-that -book-I-can't-wait-to-reread-it" sort of ending. It sort of trailed off like an unsuspecting fart. That's how it made me feel most of the time, plus or minus a few giggles, it made me feel gassy and so grossed out on some occassions. I sure hope the movie is better. I need a new read...Might check out Finny's suggestions.

Today I really miss working out. Probably cause I watched "The Biggest Loser" 2 hour special last night. I don't know what it is about that show that I love, the cattiness, the large people, the struggle? Don't know. I just know that I get really motivated the next day. Shit, whatever it takes at this point. I'll take the motivation in whatever form. The ex wife used to do it for me, nowadays I just feel sorry for her. But whoa, Kim Lyons, holy cow, she has a kickin' body. I WISH my mid-section looked that good!

Okay I need to run, I have to obsessively check my email, and maybe get a little work done if I can find the time, in my hectic schedule.

Sustaining Joy

Last night, round 3 went so smoothly, I could hardly believe it myself. It didn't feel so much like a job interview than actually chatting with friends. I can tell the dynamics between myself and the rest of the "team" is quite good. I think I really do prefer a smaller company.

I just can't wait to give my notice. I can't wait to see the expression on noodlehead's face. I am sure she will be relieved to be rid of me, as I will be happy too. I just hope the offer, if at all, is good, bountiful and comes quickily. I hate to digress and try to anyalyze exactly where things went wrong here, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder...

Onto other topics...Family isn't doing well. Extended that is. I am worried a few may not make it through the holidays. This makes me so sad..Life moves so quickily, sometimes I really can't remember what day of the week it is, because they're all running into one. I typically look forward to the holidays, shopping, decorating, picking out a tree, although the last few years have been strangely difficult and argument laden. Is this what happens when you get old and set in your ways? Am I really that stubborn and unbending? When it comes to picking out a tree, I am the voice of perfection.

Honey stumbled onto my crocheting needle the other day. He found it in his shoe! Which is no wonder, considering how crammed and tiny our itty bitty closet is. Poor fella, I totally overwhelm the closet with all my crap, and purses and things. I mean I love being a woman, but man, I normally have a little more control over the area in which my shoes span. Right now they're all over the place. I keep fantasizing about big spacious closets with hidden drawers. One entirely for myself!

In the meantime, I shall crochet. How do you not get hand cramps? Whenever I set out to begin crocheting my fifty-foot long scarves I get so cramped up in the hands. I can switch but it's like parting your hair on the other side, it just feels weird...

I am finishing up my most recent book "Running with Scissors." Great, twisted, a little introspective, but far too much gay sex invloving minors for my tates..At one point I almost put it down out of disgust. But I really want to see the movie, and feel that I NEEDED to read the book first to get a full perspective of what the movie "could be."

It's been so long since I've written down my thoughts. I feel strange about it. Loosley liberated and very excited for things to come..

10 minutes and a bucketload of dirt

Wow. It's been so long, I forgot my username..Basically I never blog anymore because I am on the brink of "being let go of" HA! Thing is, I pretty much have another company in the bag after tonight. Cross your fingers for me. I think they will make an offer tonight after my 3RD INTERVIEW!

Watch they don't want me after tonight and I am stuck jobless. Now that would be funny. Thing is, I am OK to openly admit how much I really hate it here. No, let me rephrase that I HATED my boss. Now...well I just feel really sorry for the noodlehead. If you sense a twinge of racism, yes, I openly admit it. She's a Vietnamese barbie doll with bad teeth. She's acutally quite beautiful on the outside, and horrendously ugly on the inside...She's tried to wrangle my spirit into the ground, but AH! I prevail.I am still here kicking and screaming...But strangely enough, the urge to push her out her fourth story window is miraculously gone...I amaze myself sometimes.

Ah the drama of it all. I adore my stupidly dramatic sense of humor. I will not post about this new place. Let's just say I am very hopeful but do not want to jinx it. I've got so much on my mind and only three minutes left until I am outaheeya.

I'm out.

Word to ya mutha.

When it all started

I enjoyed a nice little lunch by myself today in a sunny area near my work. I sat on a warm bench and thought. I thought a lot. I thought about everything that's been going on with work. I realized that I am so immersed in my emotions that sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of them to see the bigger picture.
Today, the "big picture" became very clear. I am experiencing a very rough patch at work with my boss right now. I am not sure how much longer I will stay employed where I am. I have had my share of sob stories with HR, and now I just have to let the powers that be take over. Whatever comes of this, is what it is. I have been working hard at yanking so much emotion out of work relationships. As an artist, the two intertwine so much.
Sitting on that bench, I realized that my unhappiness started in May or roughly thereabout. I got married, yes, I love my husband, and still cherish the day we became husband and wife. But there has been this underlying current of tension and discomfort with my work situation. It's filtering throughout all the aspects of my life. It was around May that my body image started to plumet as well.
I realized that I haven't been consisent for the better part of six months. I have given in to endless cravings, and I have sort of given up on myself.

I am natuarally attempting to pull myself out of this muck, by looking for a new job, within my current company and elswhere, I have hired a personal trainer. And I am trying to be more aware of the things I eat. But today, it all came into focus. That my normally very capable self, was in a pretty sorrowful state of despair. To see it, was astounding. To acknowledge it right now is a little scary. Like I am giving birth to this idea. Trying it on for size, and seeing how it looks on me.
Truth be told, I don't like it. It's the wrong size, color, and not at all a good fit. I am more vibrant than this...

Things that I want

It's Friday, go crazy...

1. A house, (4000 sf will do) with really nice (walnut) hardwood floors
2. a large kitchen with granite countertops, and an island. (where my Mom can teach me how to make her perfectly crisp veal cutlets -- yes I am a carnivore.)
3. at least 5 bedrooms to accomodate our growing family (no I am not preggers)
3. a very deep, lovely tub in our master bath
3B. a nice "getaway" reading room attached to our very large master bedroom

4. a pool / hot tub in our 1 acre backyard
5. a lovely garden (within our 1 acre backyard), so I can learn how to grow melons and tomatoes from Finny ;)and plant trees with my Dad.
5B. A doggy park area within our backyard for Buster.
6. a very successful design firm, owned, managed and run by moi, from home, (to be more specific, from my ultra cool mini design-firm/ business office, that I have personally decorated, and detached from my 4000 square foot house)...
7. a baby...I think....(more baby-room design ideas to come later, I've hatched several)
8. time to stay home with my husband and step-son
9. the ability to cook a flawless dinner for my fantastic friends
10. a halloween party for the little guy, equipt with a pseudo haunted house, and scary cupcake treats...I've been obsessing over the cooking magazine racks in line at the grocery store these days...
11. a massage, manicure, pedicure
12. the chance to catch up on my laudry without having to actually wash it and fold it myself
13. the loss of about 15 pounds...
14. 3x's / week meeting with my personal trainer...
15. to win last night's super lotto
16. to live much much closer to my sister, brother-in-law and family
17. to have one last conversation with Nonna.
18. to make sure my folks are taken care of (financially)
19. to love what I do for work...
20. to have time in the morning to make my family a great breakfast, take the little guy to school, and to work out regularly...


okay, there are many more "wants" I am sure, but I want to be careful how I construct them, because I do believe that what you put out into the universe really does come back to you...

so, let's just say, I am going to sit patiently and wait for these good things to happen, because I belive they really will. In the meantime, I just keep reminding myself, that as each hour passes, I am getting closer to what I am going to get in the future. Call me naieve, but I think these things are going to come to pass, sooner rather than later.

The Diamond in the Rough

I forgot to mention the one diamond in the rough today..My husband...

Me: "I was just calling to say hello, and see how you were doing.."
Him: "Hello, I am doing okay, how 'bout you?"
Me: "Eh, just frustrated, bad communication around here"
Me:"so whats on your agenda tonight?"
Him:"I am going to go home after this, and spend some quality time...with my wife"
Me:"hmm. okay, gotta go, I'll see you later."

Not that this was much, but it made me feel good...I still forget sometimes, slip and use my maiden name, sometimes call him my fiance...But damn...

I am somone's wife...

tee-hee..

Ok Damnit

I have decided to start blogging more. I am going to blog until my poor little fingers are sore. I am going to blog all the frustration and desire to stuff my face with unhealthy food....

Yes, Famous Amos, those are the last of you. I just polished off a bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with chicken strips a little earlier. I know why though, my lunch was too salad heavy and didn't have enough protein, so I got the munchies....What was strange was that I felt the worst stomach pains after lunch, and well, had to run to the loo...I don't know what it could've been, maybe my salad??

So, I am determined to get better at this. I have been keeping in too many feelings...I hate bottling shit up and then just letting go, usually at my own expense..

Last night, I took the pooch running at about 9:30. It felt so good to run and feel free. He and I do really well together in the evnings. Mind you ocassionally I get tripped up and he gets knotted around a bumper. lol, I have a hard time seeing at night I guess. Today, I have to do something active as well.

How do you find motivation when you're at work early, and leave late? Lunch is out of the question because there is too little time to do anything...

I guess I am pretty agro with my boss too. She is very unorganized and makes these ridiculous requests. Now I am getting better at managing my anger, and not eating so much. I guess today I ate because I was actually hungry. I just made the wrong choices..
I am little frazzled about $$ too. I actually forgot to pay rent this month..I am still playing catch-up after the wedding expense crunch, and I just got the little paycheck I was expecting...Since my retarded-ass boss, decided at the last minute to not give me the time off I needed for the wedding...So what was I to do? I took unpaid time off, which hurt this month. But we're recovering...It just makes me think, usually my mind goes off during my am commute...

This morning, I realized that I should be looking for two new jobs instead of one. One to pay for household bills, and the other to pay for everything else...

I heard about this suspension bridge in China where it was a popluar place to jump. One man, (in an NPR interview) wanted to jump because he had no money left and didn't know what to do. He worked and worked, but just didn't make enough...Not that I want to die or anything, but I can understand the grief and stress he must be feeling...I understand not having enough, hating where you have to be every morning, and then hating yourself for letting things get so bad..

Ha! And I wonder why I am getting fatter....

When I was skinny

I was sucha lil snot
I didn't have to hold my breath in
and my t-shirts I could knot.

I was a lot nicer to everyone around me,
I didn't eat garbage like, starchy food and candy
I had a way of holding up my head
now I just sigh heavily and pull the sheets o'r my head.

It sometimes makes me sad
to think of the body
and the tush that I had.
I was strong and lean
a cardio machine
back in the days of yore...

Now that I feel fat
and feel grossness of my
body starting to sag.
I am overcome with grief
and stricken underneath
when I look at body
that once wasn't so bad.

"It's STRESS!" I declare
as my wardrobe taunts me
with sheek tiny slacks
that I no longer wear.

"But, it's only ten pounds!" You state in anguish
doesn't matter at this point,
as I am crabby and famished,
from all the stupid diets
I fail at, and later seeth in my quiet
despair and self-loathing....

I run, and I lift, with Speedie's and with Biff's
and don't make a dent
with my one-day a week, schedule, Oh yes, I'm bent.

"It's the job!" I transpire,
as I tread home to retire.
I sit my ass down, and momentarily conspire,
to somehow pull myself out of this mire..

This is Why They Call Me Fury

Disclaimer: Contents contain foul language and vlugar conduct depcited...


Don't say "No" because I know this has happened to all of us...But last week, it annoyed the shit out of me..I was going to lunch with a co-worker. (good friend of mine) and we were waiting for a parking spot. Of course this stupid shithead of a woman peels right into our spot and has the audacity to chew us out!!!!

My good friend, happens to be Mexican, and this made my blood boil...I had to stop myself from beating the crap of out this woman..

Friend: "well, that was polite"
Bitch: "I'm sorry, I don't speak your language"
Me: "How about shitty parking, do you speak that language"
Bitch: "fuck you bitch"
Me: (flipping her off as I stroll into Chiptole's) "Fuck you, you stupid cunt"
Friend: (snatches my badge off of my pants and is trying to calm me down)
Me: "You stupid bitch"
Me: "Just wait until I tell all of the people that work here, what a racist pig you are, you dumb bitch"

Friend: "Oh my, (she's so cute) my blood is boiling"
Me: "Yeah, let her fuck with me, I will fucking tear her head off, I don't speak your language, who does she think she is?"

The sad part was that this woman looked old, wrinkled, with dyed black hair, kinda like Cher. She was escorting her old parents or something into Starbucks. I felt so bad for these old people, that they had to be in the company of such a stupid bitch.....

Okay, so I am still pissed about it, only because she wronged us, managed to blurt out a racial slur, and then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch... I take this all personally, not only because my friend is Mexican, but because my parents were immigrants. I take this very personally, and can not stand people like her......Ohhh, if only I wasn't on the clock I would've really done some damage.....I considered throwing black beans all over her windsheild, but I was having tacos...

Baby's Baby's Everywhere

I think God is trying to give me a sign, or signal me down with HUGE flags at best. I have just received the third email of online photos of brand new babies within one week...

Two of which were born within two days of each other...I am still coming to terms that I may not be able to tear myself away from my gorgeous newphew Barnaby...Ohhhh he's precious to say the least. I can't get enough of him. I don't know what it is about babies that is scrumptuous. Is it their "new-ness" is it their total purity? Their smell of sweet milk? Or the fact that they rely so completely on you for everything?

I don't know what it is...I have given myself a year to get back on track after the craziness of the wedding. I have a semi-thought out list of what I think the honey and I should do prior to even "thinking" about little ones. But I don't want us to be too old before we conceive..Not to be in too much of a rush, but we're not exactly spring chicks either...

Just saw my best friend's baby last night, at the hospital. Austin Gene Tamm, he was three days old, and slept in my arms for the better part of my visit (about two hours) he was squeamish and made all sorts of cute baby faces and noises...Nothing prepard me for the cuteness factor. I am so proud of her, she has been an amazing sport throughout all this...I am just sad that she has to go back to work in about two months...

Oh well, speaking of work, it beckons, I cringe..not because I don't want to do it, but because I am neck deep in maddness here until we leave for lovely Playa Del Carmen....Ahh, fish tacos, margaritas....the sound of the surf...I can feel the sand between my toes already...

Why Oh why....

Okay,
I don't know why I do this, but I do it with such vigor and then I proceed to feel like crap afterwards...That is eat shit that is very obviously fattening and not helping my weightloss-mindedness... I think it's turning into a mind freakiness sort of thing now... There could be a number of reasons why I am stuffing my face today, here's to name a few

1. I have missed a poorly thought out deadline at work and am now scrambling to get all the pieces together
2. My family is slowly starting to head back to the UK and my Mom has been cooking all of my FAVORITE italian dishes
3. I am nervous about tonight (the ex-monster has organized the tot's birthday party, and she always makes my skin crawl) At least right now she does. I haven't had any interaction with her since we've been married but it's plain to see that we're avoiding each other. Right now, I am missing the "pizza party" which I can certainly do without, but would make the Tot happy if I attended....
4. My best friend just had a baby and I haven't been able to talk to her...I feel like the hubby is getting annoyed with me...Oh the aggrivation...

Okay, that's it. I think I've pinned down that single derailing feeling...I think it's the ex-monster. She always makes me feel a little strange, but I guess the power that she has is all that I am allowing her to have over me..I know this, why don't I act on it? I have never sat in a movie theater with her and the honey at the same time, and I am not really looking forward to it tonight. I know I will be inspected, scrutinized and evaluated. I hate that...And somehow I eat..Call it nerves..I can't wait for tomorrow, when I can roll out of bed at any hour I please and have two whole days to not worry about deadlines, birthday partites, weddings, or anything else but the honey and me...

Mmmmm. It's good to be Bad >:)

For some reason, the guilt isn't really making a dent today...Considering the very sad state of my finance to date, I decided to endulge. Okay, so I couldn't quite spend more than $5 on lunch today, and man was it a tasty $5.08....So good it almost hurts....



Okay, tummy is starting to hurt...Ok, ok, I've been working out...sorta, I know I am pissing away my workouts...but I just can't fathom eating cheap-ass salads. I am all or nothing, gimme the good stuff, or just give me trash. Of course I would be totally conent having redvines for lunch too..Oh well, yipee payday is tomorrow!!!