Bitter Sweet

I am not sure how to react. I am feeling soo bitter and angry yet so happy and elated....Happy because in less than a month I am going to be married. Bitter and saddened, because I found out one of my close friends tried to kill herself. After going through a series of emotions, dumbfoundedness, anger, lividity, outrage, then saddness, sorrow and of course the dreaded anxiety....I don't know what makes me more enraged, the fact that she didn't come to me in times of need to help her through her pain, or the fact that she still wanted to come to Vegas with me and the girls for my bachelorette party....I felt such a heaviness at all angles that I really didn't know what to do with myself last night, laugh or cry...

So...I did what I do best. I ran. I climbed, I biked, and then I climbed some more. I manage to get one full hour of cardio into my evening. After that, that's when the eerie creepy feelings came rolling in. But somehow, I felt strangely well-balanced...I can't say that I am the most understanding person when it comes to suicide. Sure I was a depressed teen at one time in my life, I thought about it, but now, I have WAY to much to live for to be able to remotely understand that level of thinking....How was I once so immersed in that lifestyle? A close friend of mine suggested that I have grown up. Indeed I have. I have grown up, and grown apart from all things dark and gloomy. I listen to the occassional Cure song with sentiment, and sometimes I will cry, but never again do I plan on being that distraught with life. I want to challenge life, and I figure that I can do that, simply by living each day as it comes.
It's hard enough as it is, and I like to know that I am evolving, I am changing, and becoming a better person as each day passes. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, I like what I represent, and I love my family and friends around me. I don't hate life, I sometimes gripe about it, but good God, I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I like the idea that "if you're not growing, you're dying" it's a difficult concept to swallow, because it insinuates that if you're not struggling, you're a lump on a log, but that is not the case.

I was in L.A. a few months back and I was reading trashy magazines, because well, I find them highly entertaining. But I stumbled across a jem of a quote by Demi Moore, (if in fact she actually said this, has yet to be proven) but nonetheless, it inspired me to take life by the horns..It goes something like this....

"I look at every day as an opportunity to step into whats the most uncomfortable thing for me. If I push myself out of my comfort zone then I have a greater opportunity to grow and to discover more of who I am - as opposed to resting on the comfort of who I think I am or who I've been."

-Demi Moore


29 days until I get hitched...

Arg

So much for SBD...I've had really ridiculous bronchial cough for a week. My lungs itch, I am trying to get a Dr. appointment, but my doc has the day off tomorrow!!

I think it's this air-conditioning that is making me cough like every few minutes....I don't even feel much like blogging....

tonight I am going to try and workout and then do more wedding stuff....will write more later if I can.

South Beach Diet, Day 1

Okay folks,
this is getting ridiculous, I had to take initiative, not only because of the wedding, but because my dress fitting is this Friday and I need to change the way I look at least a little...

I just started this today (again) for like the twenty-thousandth time, but this time I am determined to stay with it until I loose my 13 pounds. The longest I did this was for a month and I lost about 8 pounds, then gained it all back....

Thing is, if you stay in phase one for too long, that fruit craving thing really starts to get to me. I start getting all cagey..I am super sluggish today from not having any caffeine..That I am not sure I can do without..But I am going to try...

Ah, okay, I am done, funny I don't have a lot to rant about today.. :D

Let's hope I can shed at least 5 pounds this week. Going to the gym tonight, weight training tonight, yee-haw, I am going to look like a superstar. ;)

Monday Blues

I don't know why, but when I am faced with stress, I start to stress eat. Not just any ole food either, it's bad, like cheetos, pie, chocolate bars, etc...It's been especially hard lately because my wedding favors are chocolate bars...

I didn't manage to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hate skipping days like this...I guess I will make an extra special effort to get out there tomorrow morning, I will go for a run tonight too...I am feel sickly. I don't know why, my throat burns, and I am already burned out, and it's just Monday.
The only fun thing I managed to do today was get my friend / co-worker a birthday present. :) I like giving gifts....
I think I found out who the nark is here at work, and it's sort of distressing...I don't have anything spectacular to write about today, I feel like I just want to go home and lay in bed....I want to leave. I have a half hour still...I think what I wished I had was more motivation to finish projects that I start. I start them and then they're just left hanging. I hate it when I do that....

I read an article today about children with overly disciplining parents tend to become overweight by the age of 6...So tell me, why did I become overweight in high-school? Or middle school even. I noticed today, that my mother is especially emotional. I am so much like her. But she was like night and day from one moment to another. It was a little disturbing, only because I hate to see her go through such swings like that. I try to play it off like I have everything under control, but I really don't. I am like a small volcano inside. The honey knows that too, and I think it really troubles him...I wish I were thinner, like the way I was a few years ago. I don't know what in the hell I did to become so thin, so fast, but man my clothes fit me so much better, and my confidence levels were so much higher..Now I look in the mirror and I see a big fat ass....
Maybe I should set up an appointment with Marilyn. She used to ground me so much.. I sometimes feel like I have lost a sense of who I am. Like my values have changed, and my thoughts have become so angry all the time. I wish I was happy-go-lucky like I used to be. So carefree, albeit a little chunky but seeming to be so much more stable....

Gotta go.

oh yeah....

Maybe I should explain my circuit that I did today (:D)

1. stationary lunges: 5, 15, 20 lbs.
2. squats (some on the smith press machine): 5, 20, 20 lbs.
3. outer thigh raises 5, 15, 20 lbs
4. pull downs 40, 50, 77 lbs (random, I know)
5. bench press 10, 15, 20 lbs
6. shoulder press 10, 15, 15 lbs
7. stiff legged deadlifts 10, 15, 20 lbs
8. tricep pull downs 40, 50 60lbs. (on machine)
9. biceps 10, 15, 15 lbs.

No situps, I will do those tonight when I get home. I started running out of time. I wore my heart rate monitor too, just to keep an eye on when I really started to heat up. It was overall a fantastic stepping stone into my "rediscovery" of weight lifting. I did it for a while lost my 25 lbs, and then left it behind, for cardio hence gaining back some 10 pounds.... Since my new love affair with cardio, my poor weight lifting regimen has been kicked to the curbside...until today....

I've got a little over one month to make some serious progress. DROP DEAD DATE of WEDDING : July 27, 2006.

oh yeah, lookout wedding dress with a low back, here I come.

Dog gone good day ..Yes sireee..

I had a faaaabuloso work out today at the gym. It was great because I did a full circuit three times in only 35 - 45 minutes. It's fantastic I am still shaky, I love love love it. Had to make it fast cause work beckond...I ran this weekend, not long runs but short little 30 minute jogs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I decided to take Sunday off. I noticed that when I do that, I am not quite so sluggish the following workout...

It's just that wedding dress I keep thinking about. I managed to pull it out the other night when my friend came over, and man oh man do I have a bit of work ahead of me...It's okay though, I will get there, and the 10 pounds will go screaming off my dainty little frame :) Lol. Okay, not so dainty around the hips, but every place else....

Wow, spring is really in the air. My allergies are in full swing. It's so weird, I never suffered from them before, now I can't tell if it's a cold coming on or just my allergies...
I am feeling much more sane these days. I just found an awesome website for e-cards, for those of you that like to get different and retro cards, go to www.hipstercards.com, very neat stuff.
I am leaving for E3 on Monday. I am pretty excited, I have never been, but I will be working the whole time I am there. It's going to be good for the honey and I to have a little breather from each other for a week too. Yeah..give him a chance to miss my obnoxious ways. :D
I see so many things throughout the day that I want to blog about, or something creative that I need to remember to make note of, and then it totally slips my mind. I guess I still do have quite a few things going on. Minus the purchasing of the most awesome, and fantastic house ever, I am doing okay considering. My Mom is coming home from the UK tonight, I am so excited to see her. Contrary to many daughters, she is one of my closest friends. She went to visit my sweet, adorable and darling little newphew, barnaby-bear.
I got my bridal shoes, and OMG I love them. I totally want to wear them even after the wedding! They fit perfectly. Slowly the invitations are coming together. I had to deal with a monster of a lady changing prices on me and making stuff up along the way. Not only did she not listen to my requests, but she seem to glaze over my emails too.. We're going on our third proof. Which is fine with me, I am a stickler like that, but I would hate to open my momento / scrapbook of wedding stuff years later and get pissed off because she didn't do her job correctly the first time..

We're working out the wedding favors, which are no longer edible, this is good, testing out so many chocolate favors was starting to kill me. I have somehow developed some sort of allergic reaction to chocolate and sugar. I get a throbbing headache after I eat a piece as small as a truffle..Sucks, because chocolate is my absolute favorite.. The cake is going to be spectacular, I can't wait to eat it!
We booked an amazing photographer, and Thursday I have an appointment with MAC to get a trial run done for my make-up.
I need to find a florist, which might be a challenge because I am very picky and all my flowers need to smell really good...Let's just hope I don't have an allergic reaction to those too!!
I think we're heading to Mexico for the honeymoon. I will be down there in June for a friend's wedding, so I might check out some sites while I am there. I am not sure still, but I really hope I can make it. She and I have known each other since first grade at the very least.

Uh oh, server's back up, need to get back to work.

happy happy day.

Oh my god, what is going on today? I am fighting with everyone..I am my true fury self right now and I am not happy about it. In the past day and a half I have managed to fight with 3 people. Two from work and ahem the bitterness..I refuse to call him the honey today..
I am enraged about everything and soooo friggon menstrual that my 6 mile runs that I've done twice already this week are proving to do nothing for me, but afford me bliss for all of an hour after...
Waahh. I just want to sit in a corner and suck my thumb and give the world a view of my ass right now...And I mean everyone. Okay more to him (the bitterness) than anyone right now..
I am pissed that I finished my David Sedaris book. Now I have nothing to mildly humor me in all my rage. I am pissed that its sunny outside and I am not out there. I am in here smoldering hot with a little rain cloud above my head....(not to mention if it were a comic strip, it would have F@#$K#A^$#$L#&#$%$@)!!! inside of it.....God I hate being this angry...

Not cool

Hmm. I just got totally thrown under the buss by a co-worker who didn't back me up...Thing is I was cut out of an email chain specifically because my anwers would contradict what they wanted to hear....

I am pissed off and feel like I am not being supported. First time I have felt this here...Don't like it...

Sucks..but whatver, I am starting to learn who to not trust...

The house thing..yeah, well another sore subject, we're not going through with the deal, which could actually be a blessing in disguise. Our financing wasn't ironed out, and we started running into many small snags, we eventually junked the whole idea, which leaves me with a little more time and less stress to deal with the wedding stuff...

the wedding stuff...it's neverending.....

I am feeling especially tense today and can't shake this headache..I havn't had a chance to workout in a few days, which is why my migraines are starting to creep up on me..

This feelings sorta sucks...I can't wait for our honeymoon..

Quality of Life starting to suffer

I am not doing so well these days..Between the wedding expenses, the ups and downs of maybe possibly buying a new home...I fear that the quality of my moods are paying a high price. I am not cheerful, I am always grumpy, not finding enough time to workout like I was, and irritated because my eating habits are all over the map...I am even having a tough time sleeping on most nights...
I wish there was a way to just have more money. At least enough to buy a house and not owe anything...Why are my chances of winning the lotto so slim? I mean, how is life on the other side really? How must it be for some of those NBA stars to just have thousands of dollars in change in their pockets on any given day? What must it be like to throw down 2 million on a home and not even think twice about it? Will I ever have a life like that?
Why does it feel like I am always struggling with money? I feel like I am always so nervous about over-spending, under budgeting, and spreading myself too thin...I never thought about the price of getting married, and trying to buy a home, especially here in the bay area.
Sure, if we lived in Montanna, or Iowa or some place like that we might be able to afford a ranch with a few acres to spare. But here, buying a townhouse is like pulling teeth..The payments make me nervous, and I am not sure if this is even worth all the stress that is going into it. I mean, thirty year loans! I will be 60 when I am done paying it off...
I am not so stressed out with work, I have a pretty good handle on that, I would like to learn more about project / time management, but between bridal magazines, and home loan applications, purchasing contracts, I have very little time if any to dedicate to alternative literature...
I keep thinking after the wedding and the house (maybe) is purchased, how nice life will be, when I can laugh easily and not worry so much, be a little more carefree and not such a witch to live with. The honey and I want to strangle each other quite regularly now, and it's throwing me off kilter. The tot is paying for our stressed out living environment as well....I think I need a weekend retreat from everything, a massage scheduled for every two weeks until the wedding or something...

My head is pounding...Money is running out, and my hopes are dwindling...

ARRRGGG!!!!

Okay, I've had it. I have had my fill of stress. I am the middle person, and I absolutely can't stand it. Everyone is stressed out and shit is falling on my shoulders and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I went ousside for a walk, that didn't help, I calmed down, that didn't help either, the shit just comes creeping back up....
It doesn't help much that work is ramping up and getting really busy. The honey hasn't been so sweet today, more of a bitter little pill he's been. But I understand we're all under the gun and I am going nuts. I didn't think I would hit this point this soon. The tears have already started falling..this is not good folks....
We have a two week deadline that we have to meet. Talk about stressful, we need to come up with 13K or drop out of the running. This is turning me inside out. I don't really have 13K just lying around the house...
Work is getting so busy, especially hectic because I am working on a conference that will require about 2-3 times as much work as a normal function. All this is going to two weeks after our loan process is scheduled to go through....
I can't find my friggon invitation card stock like I was planning. Now I might have to end up spending waaaay more than I wanted to on stupid wedding invitations...

Okay, I am grumpy (given) I am pissed off (given) I am totally stressed out (given) I am gaining weight (WTF?!?!)
I have an open mic this Wednesday, I am looking forward to it, it will give me a chance to crap out all that has been on my mind. Very similar to what I do here...

Yipee!!!!

I stayed home this weekend while the honey went to a wedding in Tahoe. I wanted to stick around, "just in case" we got the chance to bid on our house...And guess what...?? We did. I placed a 3% payment down, and will put more up later if all of our financing goes through. I can't believe this happened today. I was with my Mom, and had my sis, and the honey on the phone. It was such a joyous moment that suddenly I felt my face getting really super hot, and bam, I was red as little turnip.

I had dinner with one side of my fam tonight in lieu of Easter, and will celebrate more tomorrow with the rest. I watched UFC 59 tonight, man it rocked. I was sooo shocked that Tim Sylvia won that fight, I was absolutely sure that Arlovski had it in the bag.

I was watching a pre-fight documentary on Arlovski, and that guy runs 10 miles a day and does conditioning 3 hours in addition to that after his run. I was blown away..

I whipped out the ole wedding dress today, and to my dismay the larger size actually fit...This is not good. I ate like a little horse tonight, and didn't get to do my hour run, due to the purchasing of my first home...however, tomorrow it's all or nothing baby...I gotta get back into doing cardio everyday in addition to my weight training, I think that's how I will shed the extra pounds...

Ah well, I am off to bed, with a good book and a cup of tea. I am reading "Dress your family in Courdory and Denim" By David Sedaris. He's funnier than shit. I also just got my first free issue of Cooking Light in the mail I think I will skim through it to see if any of the recipes will be worth while...

Gotta hit the hay my baby blues-green-gray...whatever, are getting heavy. Nigh nigh.

Progress at Last!!

Okay, I finally found my happy medium..It's the morning workouts that keep me smiling. I didn't realize how much I thrive throughout the day after a good hard workout in the morning. I detest getting up that early but man it's worth the effort, because then I have the whole day to frolic around and be a happy fury.

This week, I've made a lot of progress with regards to the pre-bridal body. My current goal is to see some visible changes in my muscle development and shed about 13 pounds before the wedding, which is proving to require discipline of steel.

My workout routine for this week

Monday: Weight Training (full body) : legs, chest, arms, back, abs, shoulders, and anything else that comes to mind during that hour and half.

Tuesday: Cardio (30-60 minutes) usually I enjoy running, but find that my body feels strangely jolted after an hour long run. I ran 30 minutes around my neighborhood, don't like running on pavement if I can avoid it, I will.

Wednesday: Weight Training, did the full body.

Thursday: Cardio. Ran 60 minutes (6.15 miles) during lunch at a gym near my work. Very good hard run, but found it was hard to break from the 30 minute barrier to the 60 minutes. Trying to speed up the mileage to 8.5 min/ miles, currently doing 10:00 / mile

Friday: Weight Training. Did a full body workout as planned.

Saturday: Cardio (30-60 minutes)(plan to do a 60 minute am treadmill run, with intervals, alternating sprints and hills.)

The good news is that I can tell my metabolism is speeding up, because I am constantly hot now, and wake up at night roasting, as opposed to wearing so many layers and freezing throughout the day. This is attributed to the weight training. I noticed this a few years ago when I victoriously shed ~25 pounds via constant weight training, and unbeliveably very little or no cardio...Lol, and then gained 15 back!

The food part is the most challenging for me, becuase after I've worked out so hard, I am famished and want to eat everything in site! It's so easy to undo all the hard work!! So I really have to stay on top of it with chugging more water, and drinking my protein shakes when I start getting hungry... Overall, it's been a productive week. I have worked really hard, and I am slowly starting to see some progress in my body. I am a happy little fury today :D

Grumble grumble...

It all started with the stupid door last night. He insisted on keeping it wide open and I wanted it cracked...I argued that the light was in my eyes, as I have this weird need to be in complete blackness when I sleep. I argued anyway, knowing what it would progress into...And it did...It got mean, and resulted in hurt feelings. Sometimes I am just horrifically controlling and need things to be done in a certain way. See, I have so many evening rituals that if something is thrown off track I can't sleep. I am really starting to wonder if I really do have OCD. This would explain so many of my ridiculous needs to do things in a certain way. But I also have this small problem of not being able to let go of things.
I don't understand how some women do it. I just hang on and must dominate...It's awful. It's this thing that is devouring..I guess if I was a competitve athlete it might work out in my favor but as a soon-to-be-wife and step-monster it's not helping the greater good...
Which got me to thinking, actually FinnyKnit's blog got me to thinking about this. I am horribly off balance right now...I am lacking somewhere and I can't identify exactly what or where this hostility is coming from, until this morning....
It dawned on me that I spend a huge amount of time with the honey and tot, and well..work...In all this craziness that is my life, I have yet again stumbled on this little golden nugget..I need to spend more time alone...I need to reclaim myself...In a world where work is so important, where scavenging for meals that will feed my family a close second, I find that "me" gets lost in the shuffle...
I have a few events coming up that I am excited about that I think will help me reclaim my me-ness..Here is my Plan "A" Tomorrow night I am going to a princess house party...what that is I don't really know, I just know that I will get to visit with an old friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 10 years.. Then this weekend, if the gods should bestow us with riches, I will have the opportunity to claim a townhouse for us to live in. This will be done with the honey out of town and the tot with his mom, the ex-monster. And then, as if a dirty joke was played on me, the Sunday that follows is Easter..Okay, I will give up SOME time to spend with the fam..God only knows that I owe a lot to them.
Plan "B" a stand in could do my job at the home purchasing stuff (family member) and I would head off to Tahoe with the honey and some other friends to attend a long awaited wedding of some friends of ours...I don't know really I am up for either plan, but I do definitely see a need for some alone time in all this. I wonder if I would have a chance to take a nice nature walk in Tahoe? The people that we'd stay with (my friend) might think it a little odd..I don't know....
This rain certainly isn't helping matters at all.....I feel blue and down. I don't know why, I guess I just yearn for some sunlight, longer than a half days worth, to lift up my mood.
It's a lot of things. the wedding stress is getting to me, just having that little cloud above my head is bothering me, I just need to get stuff done, but can't seem to find the extra hours in the day.
I am still also contracting for my last job, which is also getting to be too much...

Oh crap, I am late for a meeting....
Gotta run..

Barnaby Joseph

World, I would like to introduce you to my beautiful new-born nephew Barnaby Joseph. He is the son of my sister and brother in law. He currently resides in the UK, so it's a little hard for me to give him a snuggle, but I send loving thoughts his way. Welcome baby! We have anticipated your arrival with longing and joy in our hearts. The world is yours.





Tearfully, I thank God for giving him to my sister and her husband. They are such wonderful people and very good parents. This is just the beginning of the formation of this precious little soul's life. He couldn't have chosen a better family to belong to!

Ohhh please please please

There are so many things to contemplate before buying a house, and although this whole process feels rushed to me, I want it more than anything...I guess I just want my own nest to fluff.

If all goes well, which I am starting to doubt that it will, we will have a kitchen that looks something like this:



It's a nice area, close to where we want to be, not a bad place to raise a budding family, and nice and close to Starbucks :D

There is so much financing crap that has to be ironed out, that is one thing that I am worried about. How in the heck to people actually pay for their mortgages around here??? Prices are astronimical. Maybe I have just been a renter for too long. I dunno...But having a little strip of yard to myself and a bathroom that I can completely dominate sounds like luxury to me!

Ahh well.. TGIF.

Just One of Those Days

Ever feel like the world is working against you? Like the power of nature is just so exceptionally tremendous that you can't fight it? Like the way you feel when you're stuck at home with no electricity....Man I feel like everything is going against me today. I wonder if it's in stars or something. I can't keep up with life today. I am sooo tired, I should've gone to bed sooner than 1 last night. Who was I kidding? I am no spring chick anymore....I had a double tall latte this morning and the sucker didn't even make a dent....It only managed to aggrivate me, and fight with the honey... :(

I am feeling like work is getting overwhelming, and there's nothing I can do to stop this title wave..I didn't even work out today..Maybe that's why I feel like this..The sukcy thing is, is that when I am tired like this, I get more hungry than usual...I think it's my body's way of say "heh heh, I'll show her to deprive me of anything.."

Lord, can't the day just end already?

For all you inquiring minds

I have a few pics to share with you..although I don't know if its bad luck to show these before the wedding or not...not sure, but at least HE hasn't seen them :)More to come later.

I am still on the hunt for some nice footware, but haven't given it my best effort. I am on the lookout for a good hairdresser too, if anyone has any suggestions..

I will just give you a sneek peek of what the back of my dress looks like :)It is very simple, straight and diamond white. I am not big of frills and big poufy dresses..



I will be losing some weight between now and then..hmm...about 13 pounds....Yes, so at last my cute little 2's will fit me again. I hate things being so tight on me righ t now, you'd think I was preggers or something...Lets not go there right now though, I am trying to wrap up the end of my business day :\

It's Raining it's Pouring...

okay..what the hell has been going on? Where is spring? and why are we getting so much friggon rain!? Heading home from Pebble Beach last night (work related venture)I actually got so scared, I had to call someone. My dad..What a savior. we talked for a few miles until I got the jitters out of me. I got lost somewhere near the 17 mile drive and couldn't navigate my way out of Pacifc Grove. On my way back up hwy 1 north, I was graced with a lightening storm while traveling through the woods. Now, any normal person might appreciate this, but as an earthquake accepting, Californian I was utterly scared out of my wits. Lightening = cool, near tall tree overhead = not cool...

I manage to call the honey..well, I didn't want him to know what a fraidy cat I really am...I guess I felt stupid..After sweating bricks for a while, I caved and called him too. Man my cell phone bill is going to hurt this month..

I've got good news about wedding updates, but can't chat about it right now. will post more in a bit!!

Crazy Cat Terroizes Connecticut Town

I am rolling around laughing my ass off. See below:

Wed Mar 29, 7:24 AM ET

FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.


"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

___